Episode Highlights include: our annoyance with the expression “just friends;” bears, butterflies, oh my - meadows as a metaphor; government as invasive species; pushing against perfection; RA support networks; no gold standard, rants about insurance and other systems, mindfulness, and reflections on who you would save if they were drowning. We will be back with more episodes sometime in 2024. Happy New Year!

Meanwhile, here’s the Surgeon General’s Report on Loneliness – we hope that you feel connected and loved. Because we bet you are. More than you know.

Episode highlights include: Who you’re allowed to grieve about at work (bereavement policies), holiday parties, smooch buddies, entitlement, activism vs energy protection, reframing terminology, risk assessment, and our value in the zombie apocalypse. If you know the plural of “squish,” please let us know!

Episode highlights include: Dr. Kris’ identity crisis, “consummating” marriage, queerplatonic relationships, “bumping uglies,” a brief foray into our critiques of the prison industrial complex, and, yet again, we return to our wish to radically transform K-12 sexuality education. We also fantasize about a conversation between Andie Nordgren and Angela Chen — SWOON.

If you want to go beyond the surface we barely scratched, check out these resources:

Asexual Visibility and Education Network: https://asexuality.org/ 

Angela Chen’s book, Ace: What Asexuality Reveals about Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex  https://www.angelachen.org/ace

Episode highlights include: ”Real” anarchy vs CHiPs, a brief reflection on the Punk scene, the proverbial lobster in the boiling pot, sushi vs bento boxes, John Gottman’s stonewalling, noticing patterns in compromising, compromise vs. sacrifice, and letting go of partners as “matched sets.”

For more on Gottman’s concept of stonewalling and why it’s not a great relationship characteristic, read this: https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-stonewalling/

Episode highlights include: Sweeping reflection on recent research on loneliness, societal structures, and pressure to conform to the heteronormative escalator– we went big, folks. We also talked about practical suggestions on finding and valuing friendships, awkward friend date requests, pros and cons of working from home, the culture of “busy,” and CSI (both the TV show and the Centre for Social Innovation). Of course we heard more about the magic of the karaoke community, too. 

We promise, we get hopeful in there.

Towards the end of the episode, Dr. Kris references (incorrectly) a recent study on the number of people who will be single “in the not too distant future.” That stat is actually that Morgan Stanley Research estimates that 45% of females will be single by the year 2030. Here’s the link: https://www.morganstanley.com/ideas/womens-impact-on-the-economy (Note: To the term “SHEconomy” we say “Ew.”).

Episode highlights include a Relationship Escalator tutorial, cuddle puddles, “parenting is hard,” supporting each other when we’re sick, annoyance at patriarchy and capitalism, the ridiculousness of striving for static relationship structures, CB radios, gestures of care and connection, “first date”-like nervousness around asking people to vacation with you, and imagining and practicing deep, rich supportive connections.

Here are the Relationship Escalator steps we outline at the start of the podcast:

https://offescalator.com/what-escalator/

And here’s that New York Times article, “We Needed More Significant Others,” Dr. Kris referenced: https://www.nytimes.com/2021/01/08/style/modern-love-we-needed-more-significant-others.html

Episode highlights include: Emotional vs. sexual cheating, Stranger Things infidelity, societal and familial messages about cheating, conversations we need to have, heteronormativity (ugh), questioning “is there a penis in the room?” and the shitty life of academics and writing dissertations.

Episode highlights include: Feeling seen, dating non-relationship anarchists, coping with misalignment in communication needs and wants, defining Kitchen Table polyamory, some differences between polyamory and relationship anarchy, time pie, and compersion and jealousy

Episode highlights include: breaking up vs changing dynamics, bobbing seals and whiskey, (re)negotiating time together, Kitchen Table polyamory, Comet Relationships, jealousy, “just” friends, and right-sized bites.

Sorry if you get a little lost following some of these relationships we were describing! Relationships can be complicated and while that can be magical it can also be confusing whether you are living it or listening to it.

Episode highlights include: How Dr. Kris and Dr. Lauren became friends, believing in brain science, FOMO, check-ins, friendships and blood pressure, recognizing trusted sources of safety, constellations of support, and family modeling.

Oh! And we apologize in advance for the weird sound glitch 18 minutes in. Oopsie.

Principle 9: “Build for the Lovely Unexpected.”

Episode highlights include: contented sighs, life giving relationships, what happens when you hit the top of the relationship escalator, empty nesting, mindfulness, dirty countertop resentment, sleepovers and vacations with friends, existing in a world of shoulds, performance reviews, and unicorns and gummy bears.

Overall, we think this principle is “lovely” - where the other principles help us think about how to do relationship anarchy, this one captures its essence. Exploration, spontaneity, and organizing on wishes… we love it.

Principle 8: “Trust is Better”

Episode highlights include: Kris’s love of the word “penultimate” and Lauren’s dislike of the phrase “quickly forgiven,” PolySecure and attachment theory, interdependence vs codependency, remembering “it’s not always about you,” adopting trust “safe words,” wheel of consent, and Rubik's cubes.

Overall, we recognize that trust can be hard, has to be earned, AND agree that, when it’s there, it makes loving relationships better.

Principle 7: “Customize your commitments.”

Episode highlights include: Learning from COVID pods; singing, cooking, and writing as acts of intimacy; networks of care and support; revisiting the relationship escalator and breaking cultural scripts; and how to not use relationship anarchy as an excuse to be an asshole.

Overall, in the words of Dr. Lauren, this principle “feels like liberation on a page.” Even for our cynical asses, this principle inspires hope and possibility for all of our safety and well-being.

Principle 6: "Love and respect instead of entitlement."

Episode highlights include: controlling behavior, fuck coercive control and abuse dynamics; cookie cutters, molds, glowing orbs and seeds of growth - basically Lauren dumping a bunch of metaphors; being socialized to put our needs last; chimeras and minotaurs; cherishing each others’ pasts and passions; and celebrating our overlaps and our differences.  

Overall, we think it is beautiful to honor ourselves and the other people in our lives. Let’s encourage each other to be who we are and find our individual paths. There was a LOT to unpack in this principle and we had a good time just getting started.

Principle 5: "Change through communication"

Episode Highlights include: 

Negotiating a pizza order, how societal and internal scripts guide our behaviors, being proactive rather than reactive in communication, sexual inventory lists, the constant of change, teaching communication skills in sex ed, moving from two to three or more, and shifting from “we have to talk” to “we get to talk.”

Overall, we had a great time communicating about communication. It’s such an important and challenging topic.

Principle 4: “Heterosexism is rampant and out there, but don’t let fear lead you”

Episode Highlights include: 

The Relationship Escalator; challenging the concept of “failed” relationships; fear, judgment and pressure to conform; choosing who gets to know your relationship values and goals; navigating jealousy and insecurity; and learning from queers and small towns. 

Overall, while we questioned using such a big word in a small title (heterosexism, really?), we think it’s essential to acknowledge societal pressures and the fear they can create, and identify strategies for staying true to ourselves.

Principle 3: Imagine it and Practice, Practice, Practice (originally “Fake it til’ you make it”)

Episode Highlights include: 

Our arguments against “faking it til you make it;” the magic of support in a Karaoke family; caterpillars and phoenixes; how resisting norms is slow and hard; making space to reflect, imagine, and stay over your center; and the importance of support, including your own self-compassion. Shout outs to Alok Vaid-Menon and adrienne maree brown’s wisdom. 

Overall, while we aren’t fans of the title, we think this principle provides a gentle invitation to think about how you will bring your values to life across your relationships. 

Don’t mind our arrogance at changing the title of the principle. Hope you like the rewrite as much as we do!

Principle 2: “Find your core set of relationship values.”

Episode Highlights include:

Proposing a K-12 sex ed revolution; developing self-awareness of what matters inside and outside of relationships; a debate over what counts as “core;” and recognizing that while we can’t always choose or control who we are tied to, we deserve to seek out the kinds of relationships we want.

Overall, we think this principle is foundational to all healthy relationships. We all deserve to define our values and goals, and allow them evolve over time.

Principle 1: “Love is abundant, and every relationship is unique.”

Episode Highlights include: Cherishing friendships as sacred relationships, navigating love as pie and relationships as check boxes, letting go of “the one,” reconsidering relationship hierarchies.

Overall, we love this principle and everything it stands for. We encourage you to celebrate all the unique ways love shows up in your lives. And while we don’t endorse ranking relationships. it’s okay to play favorites with your pies. Kris says, “Fuck blueberry. Cooked blueberries make me sad.”

Episode highlights include: How we’re switching up the podcast and why, our annoyances with how relationships beyond monogamous partnerships are addressed in the media and society, a brief introduction to relationship anarchy, and a recognition of our lenses and biases. Overall, we hope you are as excited about this switch as we are. 

Library Highlights informing our Conversations (Not an exhaustive list!):

• bell hooks (e.g., All about Love) 
• adrienne maree brown (e.g., Emergent Strategy; Pleasure Activism)
• Alok Vaid-Menon, (e.g., Beyond the Gender Binary)
• Esther Perel, (e.g., Mating in Captivity)
• Angela Chen, (e.g., ACE, What Asexuality Reveals about Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex) 
• Jessica Fern, (e.g., Polysecure)
• Dean Spade, (e.g., Mutual Aid)
• Faith Harper, (e.g., Unf*ck your Boundaries)
• Kim Tallbear (e.g., The Critical Polyamorist)

And that concludes Season 4 of B4 U Swipe! We'll be back in a bit to kick off Season 5 with more app reviews, discussions of online dating media coverage, and, of course, over-analyzed profiles.

Kris’s profile highlights include: Impressive weightlifting skills, an actual camera, “tasty” friends, mad love, and a beautiful woman, another beautiful woman, and another, and another, and another. Overall, we felt this profile was a classic case where the words and the pictures did not align, leaving us feeling confused and swiping left.

Lauren’s profile highlights include: Fauxhawks, weird avatars, and a discussion of how to ethically reference children in a dating app. Overall, this profile left us feeling uncomfortable and as if we were part of his extended family rather than potential dating partners. This led us to a thoughtful discussion of when you need a picture to back up your words and when you don’t. Definitely swiped left.

Kris’s profile highlights include: Total transparency, playful use of rhyming, a cute cat staring off into the distance, couple selfies, hotel rooms and clubbing, and some of the clearest relationship goals we’ve ever encountered in online dating profiles. Overall, we felt this couple is setting the standard for married consensual non-monogamous profiles. Take that, Jana Hocking!

Because we think this article is harmful and doesn’t deserve your clicks, we aren’t including a link.

Lauren’s profile highlights include: Beefy arms, the struggles of being too attractive on dating apps, a mysterious cup on a wooden tray, vaguely international tiles and door, the best last name, the challenge of capturing Kris’s sparkle in photos, and Moscow/Kyiv mules. Overall, we felt this profile didn’t humanize these overly-hot photos, Lauren swiped right but mostly out of curiosity. Will report back if a match occurs.

Here’s a link to the article on reverse catfishing at Well + Good: https://www.wellandgood.com/reverse-catfishing/

Lauren’s profile highlights include: Using filters in dating profiles, mismatched eyebrows, laughing during dark times, The Troubles, smoking culture, and practical footwear. Overall, we felt this profile did a great job portraying someone who just wasn’t our type. We appreciated this person’s sense of humor and loved contemplating cultural differences.

Kris’s profile highlights include: Sleeping on the job, Lauren’s issues with hair, “best” best friends, the many types of bears, and a sweet depiction of friendship. Overall, we felt this profile was lovely except it lacked a good photo! Kris passed on this person who reached out to her, mostly because of the age difference. 

Kris’s profile highlights include: The Oxford comma, Lauren’s hatred of car photos and those featuring visible earbuds, an empty hotel chair, quality ice cubes, the orgasm gap, and the best smile we’ve seen in ages. Overall, this profile showed a lot of promise. We wish the photos appeared in a different order and were better edited. Kris swiped right to no avail.

Lauren’s profile highlights include: Many different hair and nail/finger colors, hand tattoos, dyed dog ears, missing eyeballs, body gore, selfies with fruit, and your own music being your anthem. Overall, this profile felt more like an art installation and/or a recipe for codependency. While Lauren didn’t swipe right, they did listen to their music.

Kris’s profile highlights include: Lake Ontario, vacuuming, questionable shirtlessness, brown socks, full-sized mirrors in living spaces, and being passionate about generic beverages. Overall, we question why someone would want to find a roommate on Tinder. Also, this person is either the most boring person alive or this is the most poorly executed joke profile. Pass.

Lauren’s profile highlights include: A LOT! Bubble bath invitations, Escape (The Pina Colada Song), cliched quotes from Hobby Lobby signs, robot drawings, impressive yoga poses, and a call for clarity if you’re in an open marriage on a dating app. Overall, this profile simultaneously overwhelmed us and left us unclear as to what they were looking for. Another pass.

Lauren’s profile highlights include: Large eyes, photo filters(?), another picture on the can, a pink gym, sex dolls, and that’s about it. Overall, this profile left us wondering how much of these photos were real vs. doctored.

Kris’ profile highlights include: No smiles, being crazy for communism, celibacy vs asexuality, and Kris’s first Canadian voting experience. Overall, this profile left us confused – was the person joking around or, like his photos, completely serious?

Lauren’s profile highlights include: Open fields, a challenging hike, car/bathroom/bedroom selfies, and lots of hairstyles. Overall, this profile was another example of “less is more.” 

Kris’ profile highlights include: Dubious plastic birds, plants, more plants, debates on how much to focus a profile on a particular passion, and a question as to whether this profile might be more for a business rather than dating. Overall, this profile left us hoping this fine gentleman finds the gardening woman of his dreams. We also want to see his water feature (not a euphemism) 

Lauren and Kris also express their dismay over Hinge’s new relationship options, finding them too grounded in monogamy and heteronormativity to fit their lives.

In this episode we discuss the difficulties making friends as we age and how important platonic relationships are. In the app, we noted options for describing your current life experiences that don’t exist in other apps. We were overwhelmed and annoyed by the limits on the number of interests we can choose. But overall we were excited by this feature. Lauren intends to sign up and will report back!

Lauren’s profile highlights include: Many hairstyles, a non-beach beach, a not-Moroccan French restaurant, adrienne marie brown, and the challenge of representing yourself as a genderqueer person in a dating profile. Overall, Kris suggested Lauren delete a couple of photos and wanted more music specificity (doesn’t she always suggest that), but otherwise A+!

Kris’ profile highlights include: Kick-ass live karaoke, a laser-eyed space bunny, wearing glasses, impressive shoe identification, and selfie variation. Overall, Lauren wanted Kris to be more specific about her travel experiences and karaoke wishes, but not too shabby!

Lauren’s profile highlights  include: An absent boyfriend, tropical drinks, vacant stares, STI stigma, curious wig choices, and a strong narrative setting expectations. Overall, the half of the couple we see looks appealing and we are comforted by the clear communication but we wish the boyfriend had at least some presence.

Kris’ profile highlights include: Luscious patriotic lips, big guns, big dogs, and big hogs. An inviting profile includes matching pictures and explicit reference to healthy relationship green flags. Overall, this profile shows self-awareness, openness, and interest in making connections across political and social lines. What a pleasant surprise! We wish we could all grab a drink and shut down the bar.

Kris’ profile highlights include: Some great legs, gratuitous lakes, and fantastic cuddling-focused consent practices. We also discussed our font issues and realized we could recognize this guy by looking at his pecs, but not his face. Overall, we were left pleased with the commitment to consent and curious about the role of gladiators in this fella’s life. Kris has swipe left regrets and Lauren concurred. 

Lauren’s profile highlights  include: Seatbelts, declarations of vaccinations, a disheveled look, and outdated Bluetooth devices. Overall, this profile left us wondering why this guy even bothered putting up a profile.

Kris’ profile highlights include: A discussion of the Ford politicians in Ontario, delicious tacos, cheap beer, 1980s telephones, and an awkward use of a child in a photo. We also learn about Lauren’s deep dislike of birds as pets. Overall, we think this profile represents the person well, but he’s not for us. It’s come to this.

Lauren’s profile highlights  include: The challenges of under boob sweat, a debate over a harness vs backpack, a suspected fib about how old photos are, and hotdogs and pens on beanies/toques. Overall, this profiles shared clear political values and sexual interests and overwhelmed us with the volume of attractive photos (minus the boob sweat photo).

Kris’ profile highlights include: Lauren’s affection for sunburst photos, too many close up selfies, questions of consent, and the role of a “bf.” Overall, this profile left out more than it included. Hard pass.

Lauren’s profile highlights  include: An 80’s air-brushed horse mural, a disembodied corset, Midwestern middle-aged kink, GGG (good, giving, game), and how to follow-up on an overly personal question. While Lauren swiped right out of curiosity, the subsequent conversation made them pause.

Kris’ profile highlights include: Toque vs beanie, waiting room vs dressing room, an unspecified porcelain object, and too many interests. Overall, no amount of chiseled jaw and salt and pepper beard could make up for his generic “I like everything” paired with whatever the hell that object was.

Lauren’s profile highlights  include: all the hair colors, art that challenges body norms, and a profile whose pictures match their description! The carpets matched the drapes! Huzzah! Overall, the profile was playful, politically savvy without going negative – we give it two thumbs way up. 

Dr. Kris would like to point out that she spelled “toque” incorrectly during the episode. She apologizes for not being Canadian enough yet. 

Lauren’s profile highlights  include: Open mouths, chest size, the male gaze (Kris and Lauren get a little academic here – bewarned!), signaling to queer folx, T-shirt logos, and the sexualization of bisexuality. Overall, the profile left us questioning whether this woman is online for free or paid dates.

Kris’ profile highlights include: More open mouths, space cats, free calendars, exploring one’s sexual identity, and creating a coherent narrative in your profile. Overall, the profile left us completely confused.

Kris’ profile highlights include: Our annoyance around sunglasses in profile pics, different hat styles, extreme close-ups, passive lifestyles, and the benefits of expressing what/who you are looking for. Overall, the profile didn’t exactly inspire us, though it did have some highlights. Once again, we plead online daters to think about what each photo adds to your profile!

Lauren’s profile highlights include: Overly posed pictures, writers who refuse to write, questioning people’s love of hiking, catfishing, and how we give people more credit when they are very attractive. We slip in a few sex ed stats, too. Overall, the profile reveals our gender biases and our wariness as to its authenticity.

Kris’ profile highlights include: A T4T (trans for trans) “perv” in an inspirational porta-potty, pickles on parade and food as conversation starters (or perceived threats), and considerations about trans disclosures/vulnerability in dating and possible double-standards on nudity in profile photos. Overall, the profile was well-designed to reach a really specific trans, queer, kinky community but we questioned consent practices.

Lauren’s profile highlights include: Praise for dynamic short narratives, successful mirror body shots, badass hula hooping, and search bar silly academic heartbreak we relate to. Discussions of traveling/long-distance dating in profiles. Overall, the profile photos and narrative told a successful story of their openness and playfulness.  

Kris’ profile highlights include: an arrogant, defensive dude who wants you to “be aware of your thinking before you speak” and offer him “soulful telepathy;” Venice (maybe?), a devil goat mask, fancy cars, and not a smile in sight. We get into a conversation about conservatism in Toronto and obnoxious indoctrination. Overall we imagine this person being domineering and not in a fun way.

Lauren’s profile highlights include: a well-rounded profile narrative that gets deflated by overt sexism, photo overkill, and icky vibes. Neither of us can let go of dating memes filled with attractive young white people and comic sans font from sources like “Success Foundation” and “Business Mindset 101.” Overall, we felt compelled to say, “We get it: you wear suits, you have a boat, you have a bike, you like to be around attractive women, and you live in Chicago. You also seem to think women should stick by you but you owe them nothing. Screw you and your sexist business dating memes.”

Pop over to our website to learn more about co-dependence in this week’s The More You Know https://sites.google.com/view/b4uswipe/home  

Kris’ profile highlights include: Fabulous curly hair, beautiful scenery, alcohol-focused activities, trust issues, and the benefits of framing things in the positive. Lauren also expresses their opinion about royalty. Overall, we both found this woman physically attractive yet her negative energy turned us off.

Lauren’s profile highlights include: A faceless profile, discreet encounters, a well-written description, and when Lauren would swipe right without seeing a face. While we support ethical non-monogamy, we were skeptical of the sincerity of their profile. Still, we give benefit of the doubt. And we encourage everyone to be their fabulous selves.

Pop over to our website to learn more about what to do if you can’t post pictures of yourself in this week’s The More You Know https://sites.google.com/view/b4uswipe/home  

Lauren’s profile highlights include: phone dicking around, soap bar emojis, funky wallpaper, beer university, successful subtle displays of money, and questioning strategies around BDSM signaling. Overall, we liked this gorgeous human, and our sub selves regret not swiping right and getting into some consent conversations. 

We also reference the HUD application which we discussed in Season 2, Episode 1.

Kris’ profile highlights include: stockyards boxing university educated sexy man beast in a ratty santa hat with the most absurd profile narrative we’ve ever encountered. This human would do so much more than just walk 500 miles to be with you (pepper spray? fighting a polar bear? expired milk?), but he won’t make his bed or put the dustbuster away. Also, attention to our emotional availability when swiping. Overall, we were impressed with his writing and unimpressed by his dirty ass pad. 

Pop over to our website to learn more about connecting to the BDSM community in this week’s The More You Know https://sites.google.com/view/b4uswipe/home

Lauren’s story time highlights include: A story about responding to their neighbor crush and swiping into the void, and a story about an undecided connection leading them to avoid swiping all together.

Kris’ story time highlights include: Learning major social circle news through a dating app and being miffed when a former dating partner swiped left.

Pop over to our website to learn more about respectful communication with people you know in the physical world in this week’s The More You Know https://sites.google.com/view/b4uswipe/home

Lauren’s profile highlights include: The challenges of smiling, a dull-colored wardrobe, an equally dull picture of an alley, potential self-deprecation, and choosing comedy as a passion. Overall we feel badly for how uncomfortable this person seems; we’re wincing just thinking about it.

Kris’ profile highlights include: Giant cakes on boats, classism, how to take respectful travel photos, being mindful of how your text pairs with your photos, reflecting on the brilliance of boasting about drunken hookups, and what our early 20-something profiles would have looked like. Overall, this profile left us speechless as to how wrong it is.

Pop over to our website to learn more about what to do if you hate having your picture taken in this week’s The More You Know https://sites.google.com/view/b4uswipe/home 

Lauren’s profile highlights include: College crushes, Kris’s knowledge of booze and glassware, naked body shot culture, and gender norms and ethical non-monogamy. Overall, our most successful profile to date.

Kris’ profile highlights include: So. Much. Drama. Leading Kris to say “Even a porno and has dialogue” and Lauren to say “Like a fawn in the field…” Overall, this profile left us astonished. You gotta listen to believe.

Pop over to our website to learn more about how personal disclosures right in this week’s The More You Know https://sites.google.com/view/b4uswipe/home

Lauren’s profile highlights include: Teens!, pickup lines, snappy dressing, and sending affirmations. We respect the honesty in this profile, and it allows us to make an educated decision about not matching with him. We end on a commentary on power dynamics and how young men can also be survivors of abusive relationships. 

Kris’ profile highlights include: Out-dated sunglasses, happy endings, online dating app algorithms, and a brief peek into what we were like in our 20s. We stray away from the profile sent and talk about the realities of dating someone half our age. For sunglass reference photo, check out these https://shopatshowcaseusa.com/products/tacglasses-blue-blocker

Pop over to our website to learn more about difficult conversations about power in this week’s The More You Know https://sites.google.com/view/b4uswipe/home 

Kris’ profile highlights include: Keg-looking things, bicep appreciation, a stunning woman stealing his thunder, and considering your “above the fold” content. And hay. This profile left us pondering credit scores and what they communicate -- intentionally or not.

Lauren’s profile highlights include: A TLC shoutout, a playful, pressure free profile narrative, cleavage shots, the challenges of fishnets, and phone hygiene tips. Overall, this profile reminded us how important it is for your profile pics to match your intentions/questioning this person’s happiness.

Pop over to our website to learn more about money talk on dating apps in this week’s The More You Know https://sites.google.com/view/b4uswipe/home Pro-Tip: Read these show notes while listening to Creep by TLC (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LlZydtG3xqI).

Kris’ profile highlights include: Big hair, a soft focus, and a feeling of inauthenticity. Overall, the profile left us confused about what decade the single photo was taken in.

Lauren’s profile highlights include: the importance of height, bare shoulders, two elephant trunks, and why people choose to post pictures of themselves with exotic animals. Overall, the profile made us hope that the guy wasn’t as insensitive to animals as he might be.

Pop over to our website to learn more about the relationship between FRIES and Consent and how they can be helpful in this week’s The More You Know https://sites.google.com/view/b4uswipe/home 

In this episode, we discuss gender identity, survey consistency, and how much detail to share about sexual desires and pleasures in a publicly accessible dating profile.

Inspired by the "what's in your bedroom" component of HUD, we wonder, what’s on your yes, no, maybe list? Pop over to our website to learn more about sexual inventory lists and how they can be helpful in this week’s The More You Know https://sites.google.com/view/b4uswipe/home . 

Pop over to website to get links to the links to those episodes https://sites.google.com/view/b4uswipe/home.

Kris’ storytime highlights include: The ripped social justice advocate from Episode 9 writes back! Kris shares how that went as we reflect on boundaries, the lies we tell ourselves, and managing this fucking pandemic. 

Lauren’s storytime highlights include: Lauren’s appreciation for “soft,” sexual inventories and articulating pleasure, and a “hard no.” Kris manages to reference Letterkenny yet again. Lauren shares how they put on their sex educator hat to talk about boundary setting with their match. The results may surprise you!

Pop over to our website to learn more about consent and respecting boundaries in this week’s The More You Know https://sites.google.com/view/b4uswipe/home

Kris’ profile highlights include: Our praise of consistent profiles, dopamine hits, hypocrisy, and astrological tattoos. Overall, this profile left Lauren and Kris drooling a little.

Lauren’s profile highlights include: Confusing profile pictures, biphobia, and Kris and Lauren sussing out their feelings about a certain phrase. Overall, this profile gives us an opportunity to discuss discrimination and oppression while still loving on lesbians and most “lady-loving ladies.” We all learn together!

Pop over to our website to learn more about Lauren’s feelings about exclusionary queerness in this week’s The More You Know https://sites.google.com/view/b4uswipe/home - It’s a doozy!

Content Warning: In this episode we discuss relationship violence because of a profile image we describe. Please take care of yourself as you decide whether or not to listen. If you need support (an ear, planning, local resources), reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1.800.799.SAFE (7233) or chat live through their website https://www.thehotline.org/ - you can also find information on what to expect if you call. We’ve used this hotline and are incredibly grateful it exists.

Lauren’s profile highlights include: Dom jams, dating people who are going through a divorce, the stressors that can enter a relationship, and the awesomeness that is karaoke. Overall, this profile perked Kris right up! Lauren’s profile highlights include: Dom jams, dating people who are going through a divorce, the stressors that can enter a relationship, and the awesomeness that is karaoke. Overall, this profile perked Kris right up! And for easy reference and giggles: Vandelay Latex video clip [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RPxXPIdXWX0]

Kris’ profile highlights include: love languages, dating violence, and classism. This profile is horrible and we break our non-judgemental vibe to tell our listeners never to post violent images.

Pop over to our website to learn more about the research on Laws of Attraction (Mate vs Unique Value). Get some tips on how to swipe smarter in this week’s The More You Know https://sites.google.com/view/b4uswipe/home.

Lauren’s profile highlights include: ambiguous couple composition, interpreting drama, math, car aesthetics, and Netflix as a hobby. This profile is a great example as to what couples who are looking for “fun” should NOT do to attract someone.

Kris’ profile highlights include: barn terminology, dad bods, establishing trust, get to know your firefighter day, masculinity, and presenting your authentic self. While this guy seemed pretty darn cute, we question how honest he is.

Pop over to our website to learn more about the research on profile honesty in this week’s The More You Know https://sites.google.com/view/b4uswipe/home

Lauren’s profile highlights include: Carefully crafted superficial fanciness, versatility in ball caps, an inexplicable motivational poster, Tinder dismissiveness while being on Tinder, and a beer debate that includes Lauren’s beer snobbery and Kris’ lesson that “Every beer has its place.” Overall, we couldn’t get past the superficiality, arrogance, and were left wondering, WTF is this dude bro thinking?

Kris’ profile highlights include: Where do we even begin? Shy Tinder writer with a vivid, explicit, provocative image including a school girl, a hammer, and a deranged Thumper (Pop over to the website to see the de-identified image). Interpreting representations of violence, art-based subcultures, and how gender shifts our read of profiles. Also a reminder to credit other people’s artwork - even on Tinder! 

Be sure to check out the bonus follow up content on gender identity.

This week on The More you Know we share a profile image and discuss sexualized violence an Thumper. Pop over to our website for more https://sites.google.com/view/b4uswipe/episode-notes

Lauren’s profile highlights include: Our first submitted profile! A “New right” woman who hates bad hats. We marvel at their gender norms and appreciate an unexpected Marx joke. Our bias against white supremacist right-wingers comes through loud and clear. Overall, the profile is effective in telling a story and sparking conversation. It’s just not a conversation we want to have. Postscript: We recorded this episode before January 6, 2021. Now we wonder, was she at the Capitol and part of the insurrection? Maybe.

Kris’ profile highlights include: Men using words people don’t know (and being a dick about it),  stalker vibes, spaced out selfies, and references to moon beams and astral projecting. PSA: It isn’t cute when you try to boss around women or femme people. Unless they’ve consented to submissive power play, you’re actually just being an asshole. Overall, the profile was baffling and aggravating. Always, f*ck the patriarchy. 

The More you Know: Gendered swiping patterns

Dr. Kris pulls out her research nerd hat and discusses gender differences in profile compositions, and how they impact whether or not someone chooses to swipe right. She also provides evidence-based tips on how you can increase your matches. Pop over to the website to learn more! https://sites.google.com/view/b4uswipe/home

Lauren’s profile highlights include: Our memories of black bras and white tank top, getting started dating later in life, and an important conversation about consent when including other people in your images and respecting dancers and sex workers. Overall, this profile was solid, but we wished for better photo choices. 

Kris’ profile highlights include: This was a doozy! Bisexual couple with no photos for a pretty awkward reason! Some words of caution when considering playing with or advertising as a couple. Challenges with race and ethnicity disclosure and interracial couple fetishization. We talk about classism, power dynamics, and risks when proposing weekend getaways. Bonus! Safety planning and check-ins (“My cat’s on fire!”), and bonding with bartenders post bad date. Overall, the profile made us uncomfortable for a 1,000 reasons. 

The More You Know: Compersion

Inspired by a profile's reference to "compersion>jealousy," in this episode's The More You Know, we focus on the joys of compersion. Compersion is about the way our hearts expand (and we get a dose of happy chemicals in our bodies) when we learn about the joy of others we are connected to. This can happen in any relationship! Pop over to our website for more https://sites.google.com/view/b4uswipe/home

Kris’ profile highlights include: Feelings about grammar and punctuation, choices in profile metaphors (another man and a car!), mysterious “gifts,” the baggage of claiming “no baggage,” and posing for photos. Overall, the profile left us wanting and wondering if a physical therapist was involved in its creation.

Lauren’s profile highlights include: Our feelings about cooking shows, the pros and cons of specific references (more metaphors!), wardrobe choices, and disclosing sobriety. This profile left Kris pretty intrigued and somewhat wishing she were younger and living in Chicago.

The More You Know: Photo Selection!

Check out some tips on how to select your photos at our website. https://sites.google.com/view/b4uswipe/home

Kris’ profile highlights include: Introverts, soul patches, living bear skin rugs, sexting, and the merits of headless torso shots. Overall, the profile delivers, even if we don’t love all choices.

Lauren’s profile highlights include: Baby shit brown carpet, mismatched “passions” and images, theorizing why some people create profiles not designed for matching, and the story of WizardCat (oh, WizardCat - if you see this, find meeee!). This profile left us laughing and wondering, why?

The More you Know Topic: Safe(r), Consensual Sexting

Sexting, or sending sexually explicit images, videos, or messages, can be a great tool for foreplay, full play, or just a way to kill time. Like all forms of sexual expression, it isn’t for everyone and that’s okay!

Check out some sexting guidelines to live by at the website https://sites.google.com/view/b4uswipe/home

Highlights include sex robots, aol chat rooms, and orgasms over loud speakers.

Not sure what sex positive means? Check out this blog post from Pervocacy (https://pervocracy.blogspot.com/2013/05/what-i-mean-when-i-say-im-sex-positive.html) sharing their take, and this post from Everyday Feminism on what it is not https://everydayfeminism.com/2016/08/10-things-sex-positivity-is-not/

Kris’ profile highlights include:  Egregious capitalization (and a wish for secret decoder messages), a fixation on “good manners” (and why only dudes seem to comment on this), lurking subtext, weird repetition and considering how you elaborate, and Portland’s love of the outdoors. Overall, Kris and Lauren were pretty unimpressed.

Lauren’s profile highlights include: Queerness, labels, and choices with acronyms; judgmental working out; healing journeys and setting boundaries. Also, emojis as profile summary and/ or generational difference (plus a Lucky Lager story!). This profile left us feeling like this person may aggressively judge us, cross boundaries, and wouldn’t be great at affirming their playmate, but we liked that they created a clear 3-part essay and job ad. And, always, Black Lives f*cking Matter. 

The More you Know Topic: Heteronormativity and labels in the queer community. 

In this episode you hear us briefly discuss queer, bisexual, pansexual, demisexual, and sapiosexual orientations. Some people might wonder, why so many labels? That’s because sexuality is diverse! There’s not just one way to be queer* (or straight!), labels may help us find similar people, and help us advocate for our rights. However, labels aren’t universal or singular.

To learn more about labels, how to respond, and why they matter [one reason: heteronormativity], bop over to our website for the complete episode notes https://sites.google.com/view/b4uswipe/home