Hemp-based super-villains are threatening the world and all we have to protect us after Zero Hour is a rag-tag group of jobbers. A dented Red Tornado….Ragman’s mud friend….some Dragon Ball Z weirdo with a purple hand….an Irish man with a glowing purse….and a woman with a shopping list. This is Primal Force. We’re all screwed.

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Former WCW and WWF World champion / MAGIC MIKE dancer Kevin Nash combined forces with Image Comics in the late 90's to create a comic about himself and his beautiful hair. Apparently in four years, the world will be seriously screwed and its full-on LAND OF THE DEAD minus zombies out there. Kevin Nash is our savior, fighting against creepy ministers and devilish women with extremely pointy dresses. Nash’s out here dropping explosive Mentos in dudes’ mouths and making sure balloon-headed kids are adequately fed in the Mad Max times. Shout out Master Blaster Steel and Vinnie Vegas.

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Cloak and Dagger end up in France with a Dollar Store Andrew McCarthy, on the trail of some smack dealers. Dagger goes on a literal vacation like its some European episode of BOY MEETS WORLD while Cloak has to do all the work. Cloak finds a culprit and then swallows a car inside his body.

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Captain Marvel and Stargirl are stuck in a shadow nightmare world where Billy Batson has to stay a boy and be useless. Thorn shows up looking like Poison Ivy and mistakes them for her kids in a pretty depressing turn. Fear not though because this book also has SUPERHEROES EATING~! Hector Hall’s having damn picnic inside the Helm of Fate and all our friends are there — the Strausses, Inza, Kid Eternity for some reason and my main man Jared Stevens! One day, I will get the chance to eat macaroni salad with Doctor Fate. Maybe I’ll just put a yellow bucket on my head and eat some hot dogs….

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Rick Jones gets Bruce all riled up over a rainbow in the dark (shout-out to DIO), turning him into Hulk and sending him on a rampage in a desert town. Golden Bruce Springsteen shows up to grant a bunch of wishes to the townsfolk, including a cop becoming a different cop with a different hat. Hulk manages to ruin everything and Springsteen’s albino Skrull boss shows up to make matters worse.

Continue the conversation with Shawn and Jen on Twitter @angryheroshawn and @JenStansfield

We also talk about the “Disney buys Fox” news and what that could mean in terms of new film and TV properties of the comic book variety as well as a few new purchases we’ve had lately.

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Starfire and Nightwing move in together and immediately Kory fills their giant flat with framed pictures of Dick and really tiny pictures of Donna Troy. She gets bored and flies around the city, ruining a helicopter lesson and crossing paths with a ghost-self Harbinger. Thankfully for Harbinger, Starfire arrives just in time to help her out in battling cyborg’d young Keith Olberman in a Manhunter robot (because Millennium)

Also, we forgot to say if we’d read the next issue. Shawn - nah. Jen - also probably nah.

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When you go to the movies this weekend to see CAPTAIN MARVEL, just remember that instead of Carol, it could have been his snappy 90s space-boy. Genis-Vell is one of them aged clones — technically the “son” of the original Captain Mar-Vell — who grew up on nu-metal and probably drank Fruitopia or Orbitz on the regular. He turned out to be a grimy rager and in his first solo story, he takes a huge dump in a space toilet and then accidentally commits mass murder on a bunch of space-faring Shi’ar. Nice work buddy.

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Back to the superhero comics grind as we cover some DC farts from the 21st century! (WAVE OF THE FUTURE)

Batman and Superman are both amnesiacs all of sudden, shuttled violently into a Gotham that looks like blighted as all hell. Clark is naked (but not afraid) helping Catwoman beat up some garbage androids while Bruce is discovering his wealth and gadgets all over again. We also find the filthiest bathroom in all of Gotham, a feat unto itself.

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We jump back to the Charlton Comics romance “MurderVerse” to bring you three more tales of love lost, blinded or simply postponed:

• a freshly minted widower abandons his newborn son to go mule drugs for Paul Bearer in Venezuela
• a lovesick woman insults a blind man on a beach
• a commitment hungry redhead settles for the Charlton Comics Murderer

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Anyway, they all get together to fight crime...but not in this issue. Junior (the small one) has to get a ride from his mom and the creepy hypnotic leader Hard Drive goes on to be Governor of Connecticut.

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Our hearts are pumping romance this month on WCE and we are starting out strong with this Charlton Comics gem of a love anthology. We’ve got:

• a traumatized woman, haunted by the abandonment of her drug mule father, contemplating marriage due to a rained-out Yankees game

• a handsome stranger stalking a depressed lady in an elevator

• a thrifty gal refusing to accept the gift of James Corden from her suitor

• the same handsome stranger from the second story stalking a recently jilted girl at a swimming pool

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Does anyone remember the Power Lords action figures as a kid? Probably not many of you. It was kind of high-concept sci-fi stuff that your grandfather probably liked if he watched Doctor Who. I mean, it feels like DUNE with a prince of mystical origin and all that. Sadly, Patrick Stewart wearing a pug into battle is nowhere to be found.

Regardless, DC did a comic to promote the gimmicks featuring one of the most veiny protagonists outside of John Cena. He’s teamed up with Red Tornado in an owl costume to take on a space crab and his friends. There’s also a snooty astrologist because kids love condescending colleagues wherever they can get them.

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My perception has always been that Valiant Comics are perpetually boring, with Archer & Armstrong and all that (I’ve never read it). Turns out though, Valiant - specifically X-O Manowar - is violent AF and we like it. Its like an Andy Sidaris movie but doubled-down on exploding viscera instead of fake breasts. 

The story is pretty wild too. X-O Manowar gets back from strike-busting to help a young socialite escape her mother - played by Stockard Channing - who is hunting her down for mucking up her illegal alien firearm ring. Johnny Blaze shows up and gets scared by a horse.

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We head back to Image for some vengeance-tinged action with Jim Valentino’s ShadowHawk, a character that speaks in second-person and knocks the literal tomato soup out of criminals. Thankfully, Savage Dragon is here to reign him in and possibly break his spine. So much spine-breaking-threatening in this book.

Also, we analyze the Shadowline universe which includes a dude with one huge tooth, names with letters where they shouldn’t be and a hero that helps you find semen.

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Its two Silver Age Batman stories in one book….aren’t we blessed? 

In the first story, Alfred writes some fanfic (for real) that imagines Dick-Batman and Robin Jr. Jr. teaming up with Batwoman II on Earth-40 to face a mad scientist that failed engineering hard and made a fist-ship that should never fly. Thankfully, 100 lb Batwoman II is a kayfabe linebacker and can tackle steel machines into mobsters with ease.

In the second story, Joker puts Batman on trial for not allowing crime to happen. Batman cosplays Robin as a smallpox sufferer and go on to thwart Joker’s chances at winning a tour of the Batcave like he’s Vicki Vale or something.

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This ain’t a podcast about doing lots of coke and heroin but we do address that. It’s actually about the New Warriors goof that would indirectly kill a bunch of kids in the WWE’s backyard and change comics forever.  

SPEEDBALL is also another sub-par Steve Ditko book that we’re covering, featuring anachronistic attire, teenagers murdering Lex Luthor with glue and PTSD-riddled veterans on a rampage versus bloodthirsty beat cops.

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In honor of the AQUAMAN movie (which we review), we also dig into the time that Aquaman and Hawkman teamed up to face a Turtle-Eagle-Frog that used to be a disgraced Atlantean politician that became an atrocity. There’s a bunch of malarkey with birds and fish being controlled by the wrong people and what not. Why do they have to be controlled at all? LEAVE THE BIRDS AND FISH ALONE!!! 

Anyway, Aquaman murders a bunch of fish while Hawkman ruins a progressive transit project to pump a bunch of birds into Atlantis. Shayera turns to a harpy but not a “my wife won’t let me sit around in my underwear when her in-laws are over….what a harpy” harpy but an actual lady bird harpy. It's Bob Haney — don’t ask.

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In this Sub-Mariner reprint, we get introduced to Todd Arliss aka Tiger Shark who was on the verge of making millions of dollars for swimming until he decided to become a jagged tooth shark man. Is that even possible? Making millions for swimming? Like, ACTUALLY swimming and not just appearing on cereal boxes? Name someone other than Marc Spitz or Michael Phelps (who are Olympians with endorsements) that’s as big of a “professional swimmer” as John Cena is to “professional wrestling.”

Anyway, pre-death, pre-starfish body Doctor Dorcas wreaks all the havoc while Sub-Mariner wears a chastity vest or something and Lady Dorma gets into a car accident in the ocean.

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In the 90s, no one was safe from getting extreme, not even immortal apes mentally inhabited by jungle explorers. In this Congorilla reboot, Congo Bill’s jungle child companion (ugh) grows up and goes wild…er as he takes over the Congorilla body from Bill and dresses it up as a low rent mall Dracula. This was a surprisingly violent book capped off with some racial insensitivity and a dash of an awkward AIDS PSA. At least the ape puns were passable. 

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Hawkeye somehow ends up in the desert with Orb, the less-attractive Harvey Dent. They're being stalked by Plantman for ruining his bio-dome which surely had Pauly Shore in it made completely of celery. Hawkeye has to fill his quiver full of water which should effectively ruin his arrows but kayfabe I guess.

Later, Starfox goes to a flea market planet to buy a woman named after a furnace from a bunch of Skeksis dressed like Rip Torn in BEASTMASTER.

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Continue the conversation with Shawn and Jen on Twitter @angryheroshawn and @JenStansfield

http://bit.ly/wcepod

Email the podcast at worstcollectionever@gmail.com

Continue the conversation with Shawn and Jen on Twitter @angryheroshawn and @JenStansfield

Don’t get fooled — we don’t own this actual comic. If we did, we’d have Dune Action Figure MOC money.

This early yet epic installment of Wonder Woman’s history sees using her Amazonian brain to dominate the clerical industry only to get mistaken as a Nazi spy. Thankfully, WW clears her name by having Etta Candy kidnap and torture the real lady spy while Diana murders a bunch of Nazis with a ship anchor.

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Vision’s been losing his mind and if that isn’t enough, he’s got the personalities of Wonder Man and a dead cop running around in his head. In the best course of action, Crystal throws sand from Montauk Beach in his face while Vision phases through Giant Man’s 1995 Hulk Hogan body. Did I ever mention that Hulk Hogan blocked me on Twitter? Anyway, Ultron’s a face in this story, possessed by the personality of Burgess Meredith in ROCKY.

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Happy All Saints Day! This week, we check in with Superman and as it turns out, he killed Green Lantern. Spoiler alert: not really. Green Lantern just kayfabed his death so that he can keep Sinestro from dressing him up like Leo DiCaprio as J. Edgar Hoover. Superman’s got other stuff to worry about, like his constant emission of Cinnaburst flavor crystals and Steve Lombard throwing shade at him from a convertible for being too damn boring.

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This episode is a Halloween crossover with the WHAT THE HOPS podcast hosted by former WCE guest Brian Marek. We drink a few beers, one of which is Freddie Mercury-themed. 

The comic book isn’t much as its DARKHOLD, one of the lesser known Midnight Sons. It’s basically Ghostbusters but they’re looking for loose leaf pages. Regardless, it does feature a cannibalistic priest and Punisher’s family coming back from the dead, only for Frank to be like “nah man.” Ghost Rider’s here too, embracing the concept of friendship.

Check out the WHAT THE HOPS podcast: http://hoppedupnetwork.com/podcast/whatthehops

Email the podcast at worstcollectionever@gmail.com

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Its yet ANOTHER anthology reprint gimmick book from Marvel because when else but Halloween times are we going to talk about this. This one comes with a special message from Stan Lee that we can’t be bothered to read.

In this creepy collection: a sculptor’s Lou Ferrigno statue runs amok; Plutonians attempt to launder televisions to ax-wielding baby boomers; an intergalactic tyrant ventures into social media and we get a tropical retelling of Denzel Washington’s Flight.

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This is allegedly the first time Batman and Hugo Strange square off as Strange farting around Gotham, creating a bunch of mutant Great Khalis. Gordon and Batman are getting to know each other (that’s sweet), we see the debut of the Bat-Mobile and, oh yeah, Bruce roofies his girlfriend. Lots of dubious actions going around in this book.

Also, we spend a bunch of time remembering GOTHAM on FOX even though we haven’t watched in a year. Did they ever figure out what the deal was with that dinosaur woman who was dating Thomas Wayne? Also, has Gordon been smartened up to the concept of “moshing?”

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Its October so we are going hardcore on spooky and monster-related books. To kick it off, we jump into JOURNEY INTO MYSTERY which has nothing to do with Thor and friends. This run was an anthology series that collected old Marvel and Atlas fantasy stories.

In this particular issue, the writer of ZOMBIE ZOO falls victim to a vampiric Smurf; a genie grants a nihilistic child unlimited wishes; a Spencer’s Gifts gimmick sphere predicts George Costanza’s wife’s death; and a millionaire jokester terrorizes party guests with his Gremlins pneumatic chair. 

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Continue the conversation with Shawn and Jen on Twitter @angryheroshawn and @JenStansfield

That being said, we didn’t want the feed to go quiet so here is an episode of I CAN TALK KAYFABE, the podcast that Shawn does with Joe Todaro. Its about wrestling magazines from the 80s and 90s, done much like we do here on WCE. 

In this particular episode, Shawn and Joe discuss PRO WRESTLING ILLUSTRATED from November 1987, a magazine Shawn had as a boy. If you don’t dig wrestling, that’s cool. Its still fun audio so hopefully you will stick with it.

Email the podcast at worstcollectionever@gmail.com

Continue the conversation with Shawn and Jen on Twitter @angryheroshawn and @JenStansfield

Its about damn time we got back to some Eclipso. In this issue of his ongoing, Eclipso takes over the body of Phil Lynott from Thin Lizzy and harasses the crap out of Bruce and Mona. The Creeper is there as well, only to make puns and get stabbed. Later, Eclipso tries to figure out some sort of convoluted poisoned cocaine scheme that will some how screw over Brazil or the US (?). Honestly, it shows he has no idea how to handle the yayo and has probably never seen SCARFACE, possibly confirming that Eclipso is actually Vince McMahon.

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FALLEN ANGELS is NOT a comic about all the wayward daughters that Brett Michaels sang about. It’s basically a Sunspot back door pilot where he putzes around with the techno alien Warlock in (I think) the Bowery, joining up the Vanisher and soon-to-be X-Force randoms Siryn and Boom Boom to commit petty crimes. Bobby’s not into it though so in this issue we just focus on Devil Dinosaur getting loose and some cyborg kid that looks like Peter Billingsley attempting to corral her cybernetic lobsters. Spoiler: one of the lobsters die, but not by being eaten.

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The Doom Patrol split up their group early on here because Niles is too concerned with having sex whilst Robotman lies around looking like Anakin Skywalker on Mustafar and Negative Man suffers from ham deprivation. The minute they all leave, Clint Howard in a purple chicken costume arrives to attack a crippled man with an army of violent hummingbirds. Treachery persists until Doom Patrol is bailed out by a bunch of West Coast Native Americans riding Fire Mares. You know, those horses from KRULL.

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In one of his rare comic book appearances, the ever-affable Regis Philbin welcomes partially reformed serial killer Sin-Eater on his show, preceded by Mary Jane Watson modeling women’s fashion from the Gold Circle fall catalog. Peter Parker recovers from intense electrical burns enough to support his wife, only to get verbally embarrassed by a donut-fueled Electro.

We also talk a lot about pizza in this episode.

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As promised, we dig into a Super Sons book this week as Superman Jr. and Batman Jr. Jr. roll into a town of independent women only to get thrown in jail for trying to be groovy. Later, Superman Jr. Jr. Jr. carries Batman Jr. the IV in one hand over his head like a waiter in a restaurant (ass-to-palm) to battle an alien who hates mirrors. This story ends with Batman Jr. to the Fifth Power tongue-kissing an entire town of traumatized women. 

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Much like the Bluths, the X-Men Blue team believes that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Join us this week as Gambit cooks up some morning gruel just so he can taunt Rogue that he ate it all while wearing tiny shorts. Also, Archangel and Psylocke get themselves some cappuccino and crash a car. Even Beast gets in on the brunch action with some morning coffee whilst hanging from a titanium ceiling fan. There’s also this whole drama between Psylocke and the gal whose body she took over after the whole Siege Perilous business. It gets tragic AF.

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Superman teams up with the Metal Men which is really strange because Superman is hugely bigoted towards robots. Thankfully, Clark is able to suppress his boiling hatred for machine men and team up with them to defeat a technologically gifted doomsday prepper. Also, Marc Maron shows up and attempts a heist in an air balloon. Superman then tries to murder him. This was a deleted scene from the GLOW series on Netflix. That is a good show that you should watch.

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Yo Joe! The Joes have been ensnared in a government cover-up on Cobra Island as Fake Cobra Commander and Serpentor battle it out. Serpentor lost though so that means Dr. Mindbender can go full Krieger from ARCHER with his dead body.

As for the Joes, they chill with some Vipers to watch a cat fight between Lady Jaye and Zarana. Meanwhile, Destro wears a Speedo on a boat in the Caribbean while Roadblock run from the Feds. And since its 1988 and we are in mad grinder mode, Zartan steps away from the action to open for classic self-titled era Danzig. Sadly, Chuck Biscuits was never inducted into the Dreadnoks (but should have been).

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• Princess Diana hones her oxen hunting skills with Peter Jennings on Paradise Garage!
• The Justice League uses their pinky toes to overcome Dr. Light’s moist darkness!
• The Magenta Speedster sends Heatwave and Captain Cold to the Moon!
• Tearduct trauma with Green Lantern and Sinestro!

Also, we read some of your correspondence from social media and via email!

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It’s some wild and crazy Nazi punching action with Blackhawk and his merry band of military men. In this issue, Blackhawk and his lady nemesis Domino try to outsmart some villains on the set of CASABLANCA. Meanwhile, the Blackhawk crew fights the War Wheel in Spain and it gets stuck in some sand because beaches.

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We just had to go back to the Bob Haney well because this book is just too ridiculous for us to wait on. Bruce Wayne goes on vacation to Turkey so in his place is a freshly de-vagranted Plastic Man posting as Batman. Plas does a great job too, orchestrating a hostage rescue by having a cross-dressing policeman throw a grenade in a bank deposit box.

Things take a turn when Bruce Wayne is charged with murder and Metamorpho poses as his lawyer. Plastic Man as Batman gets brainwashed by some lady into being a heel, only for the devilish woman to constantly try to poison his tea.

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Not gonna lie…this is a slog of a book. The finish is given away on the cover and it takes the full twenty-two pages to tell something that really only should have taken four.

Thankfully, we have a guest in professional wrestler / comedian / comic book writer RAVEN. He’s awesome and he’s here to help us decipher this Jim Starlin tale of Adam Warlock getting drunk after one sip of whine while a man with no nose watches. There’s also this She-Ra/Nick Fury chick that’s causing all the trouble while Gamora gets all cranky. If Jim Starlin wrote THREE’S COMPANY, it’d be this comic.

Please rate, review, subscribe and tell a friend!

Also, please check out Raven’s podcast THE RAVEN EFFECT over at Westwood One:

https://apple.co/2IRBueY

Follow Raven on Twitter:

https://twitter.com/theraveneffect

And please support former WWE/WCW superstar Perry Saturn on GoFundMe:

https://www.gofundme.com/PerrySaturnalia

Email the podcast at worstcollectionever@gmail.com

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Does anyone who isn’t a regressed 80’s child remember the Visionaries? Visionaries were a toy line that focused on holograms and poems for boys. The figures were slightly bigger than GI Joes so you couldn’t have them wrestle each other unless if the Visionaries were from the land of Manute Bols.

This short-lived comic follows the heel and face knights as they attempt to grab a few fancy jewels for a dying wizard who DEFINITELY IS NOT MERLIN. Its surprisingly progressive at points, especially when women ask for AND receive mystical powers equal to the men. Also, one of the knights makes soup and then turns into a green bear.

Please rate, review, subscribe and tell a friend!

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Its a Millennium crossover! Blue Beetle and Mister Miracle return from a JLI meeting where the heroes determine the best course of action to beat the Manhunters is to burn a hole into the earth. Mister Miracle watches Supermarket Sweep on Lifetime in the Bug while Ted goes up to his office and pretends to work. He gets shut down for a lunch date by a woman who REALLY likes the Oregon Ducks in favor of Randy Orton.

Later, a rejected 90’s G.I. JOE character ambushes Ted and Miracle while they prep a giant ball of metal to burn into the earth. They were dead serious about this. Escapes and what not ensue because Mother Boxes.

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So, Elongated Man gets monitor duty on the JLA Satellite and makes a peanut butter & swiss cheese sandwich because apparently he can bend his stomach so he doesn’t throw up. Or maybe he’s just one of those guys who do that thing you would do in high school where you would down ALL the condiments mixed today because you’re the resident crazy kid.

Anyway, some Russians show up to ask the JLA for help with the Shaggy Man who is currently terrorizing Moscow. The Flash goes all Hacksaw Jim Duggan on the comrades while Green Arrow gets blueballs. Eventually, they throw Shaggy Man into space because space is the landfill we forget that we have.

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Jack Flag’s parents were strong-armed out of their home by the Serpent Society who’ve decided the smart criminal money is in Arizona real estate scams. So, Jack dyes his hair like a rocket pop, rigs up a JVC boombox to shoot lasers and offers up his non-snake related persona to the Serpent Society like some completely obvious Trojan horse. Snakes are dumb though so they let him in.

Meanwhile, Cap fights a fit gal wearing a patriotic Andre the Giant one-strapper for, no lie, SEVEN HOURS. Also, Captain America is dying. He got the results of the test back. He definitely has breast cancer.

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Its about time we go WAY back and it also happens to be our first Deadman-centric book, which is shocking. Thankfully for us (and for you the listener), this book is peak Bob Haney so its out of its mind.

Deadman decides to solicit Batman’s help in finding his hooked-handed killer and it JUST HAPPENS that some dude in Gotham is running around murdering folks over pachinko machines WEARING A HOOK! HOT DAMN! But…to the surprise of no one, this leads to Batman going on a murderous rampage as he is inclined to do. No one is safe.

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We just can’t get out of this year of 1992, can we? Eh, its ok. That was the year WAYNE’S WORLD came out. It was a good year.

In TEKWORLD, William Shatner creates a buff avatar for himself, a former cop named Jake Cardigan, disgraced by getting hooked on Tek, a VR drug that makes you relive the entirety of HBO’s ENTOURAGE. He goes to space jail, gets unfrozen in the future by a robot with a real attitude problem. Life’s changed so he takes on a gig as a private eye where he must find a falsely anorexic woman trapped in Mexico by Garth Brooks 2099. Got all that? Then at the end, a vagrant explodes. This is the best book ever.

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Its the pride of the New Jersey wilderness, the Black Condor, this week as we dig in on this random-ass, Primal Force-ass hero’s book. This is not to be confused with the Black Condor that was a human baby who was raised by actual condors to legit fly and go on to impersonate a Congressman. No, this Black Condor was a genetically engineered by his grandfather Abe Vigoda and hangs out in the Jersey wilderness taking down crooks that look like Tom Savini.

Please rate, review, subscribe and tell a friend!

Email the podcast at worstcollectionever@gmail.com

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Its our first foray into the Valiant Comics universe and surprisingly, its not an issue of ARCHER & ARMSTRONG seeing how every dollar box ever in any comic book store is 50% ARCHER & ARMSTRONG. ARCHER & ARMSTRONG is like ALPHA FLIGHT but its wearing a newsie cap.

No, this week we cover SECRET WEAPONS, which is supposed to be Valiant’s AVENGERS-esque title but the main hitters (Solar, Ninjak) are only there for a minute while we fart around with the other geeks. This issue focuses on Stronghold, a mass-absorbing Hank Pym lookalike that gets so huge that he takes a nap in the East River. Also, a scientist eats a brain like that heart-eating doctor in JASON GOES TO HELL and a group of thugs get punted to death.

Please rate, review, subscribe and tell a friend!

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At this point, its quite possible that Fabian Nicieza has written every comic that we’ve done on this show. I mean, have we gone insane with New Warriors-related books? Let’s be honest, they are not that good. Bunch of boring young heroes doing boring young hero stuff like playing video games and pretending to be Batman.

Anyway, Nova takes on the villainess Tailhook who might be his girlfriend and might be out there killing scumbags with a barbed whip. That doesn’t stop him from eating the largest order of curly fries the 616 has every seen. 

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Its a mish-mash of stories this week with Supergirl taking the helm. First up, she ends up on a planet of, like, four dudes. There are these three evil scientists bros who keep trying to kill this puke-colored Adonis guy who gets all inappropriate with Supergirl. Everyone dies, Supergirl does nothing and leaves.

Then we FINALLY work in an Animal Man story where Buddy confronts bank robbers. Turns out in early Animal Man, Buddy had to be pretty much right next to the animal in order to get its powers. Even though there are birds and worms everywhere, Buddy can’t seem to do squat and has to fight around the docks where the zoo animals arrive.

Lastly, we have two more stories. One is about a bunch of space golems protecting treasure by turning everyone into stone. The other is about Superman when he got turned into a dragon. Supergirl arrives, does nothing and leaves.

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We’re back to Alpha Flight because we love it. Well, Shawn loves it. Jen’s not that impressed.

In this issue, Dr. Doom sets a literal “thirst trap” as he tries to convince Canada to give him fresh water for his parched Latverians. Turns out though, the deal is some sort of gimmick to piss off Symkaria and Silver Sable’s king father.

Alpha Flight ends up having to perform security detail for Doom this whole time but not before they cripple a bunch of dock workers trying to collect OT in Newfoundland. Its SAVAGE AF! (that Savage Alpha Flight, led by Randy Savage dressed as Vindicator…..dig it!)

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We are caught between Easter and Wrestlemania as we head back to the 90s and the one of the #0 issues that surfaced due to DC’s Zero Hour event. In this one, a new Justice League Task Force is formed with the lead character being Martian Manhunter’s arm hair. To that point, I think Jason Mantzoukas could make a great J’onn J’onzz based on hirsuteness alone.

We also discuss old MTV dating shows that Triumph could appear on if his HVAC career doesn’t take off. Also, Gypsy and the Ray continue to be useless while Despero sits there and reads self-help books.

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We take on an actual CLASSIC comic with significant events and debuts that still manages to be stupid with IRON MAN from 1973. Thanos is here for the first time as is Drax and Starfox and all the other cosmic goobers you’ve grown to love. Still though, its a ridiculous book as Tony gets a wicked migraine and gets beat up in his office by two Monchhichis on steroids. He ends up hung over at Thanos’s place in the American Southwest where Bobby Flay’s making egg rolls while Drax is all tied up trying to figure out why his eyebrows are growing into his eyeballs like some horrific Martin Scorsese mutation.

We also take a moment to pay tribute to the mighty Meltdown Comics here in LA, shutting its doors after twenty-plus years of cultural awesomeness.

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The Mad Hatter returns in this issue of DETECTIVE COMICS as he gets released from prison and immediately makes a hat out of a newspaper. Batman’s response is to run for city councilman with no political affiliation which goes as about as well as you’d expect. Mad Hatter shows up to throw a few razor fedoras while Jason Todd eats chocolate cake in front of Bruce Wayne’s gargantuan portrait of his dead parents. All of these are true; its up to you to decide the order. There will be a quiz after the show.

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Annex is one of those Marvel characters that was introduced via poly-bagged card in the 1993 Annuals. He basically can use his suit of armor to think up guns and weapons and stuff as well as a new leg for himself (because his civilian identity is missing one). If he was smart, he’d think up a better color than 90’s fuchsia to make up his outfit. Also, he's the only superhero named after a word that I learned in 5th grade social studies.

In this mini-series, Annex fights a pre-vegan Moby while Spider-Man cleans up his collateral damage. Annex's also got this deceivingly bloodthirsty scientist friend who kills some thugs with an electric doorway. 

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This week, we are in the midst of CRISIS ON INFINITE EARTHS in this issue of INFINITY INC which sees the Infinity-eers transported to the Monitor’s ship for the most awkward company picnic ever. Silver Scarab and Fury are farting around asking everyone “are you my mother” while Skyman sarges on Wonder Girl only to go down in flames. At least Plastic Man and Elongated Man seem to have a good time.

We also got this weird time-displacement subplot where lady Doctor Midnight and Hourman XVII (in only his second lamest costume) fight off dinosaurs and Civil War re-enacters on South Carolina. This ain’t your momma’s Ken Burns documentary!!

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Something’s off because we are back in New Warriors land with this Justice/Marvel Boy/Vance Astro mini-series that reads like a formulaic episode of LAW & ORDER: SVU. Its basically “let’s cram everything about Vance’s life into four issues” as he and Firestar “Video Factory and relax,” gets called a father-killer everywhere he goes and uses his psychic Green Lantern powers to shakedown the Dickensian street urchins known as the Yancy Street Gang. He also uses his powers to pull down a kid’s pants so THAT’s weird. Ben Grimm also shows up wearing his Persuader mask that no one remembers.

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We have no idea what L.E.G.I.O.N. stands for (Licensed Extra-Governmental Interstellar Operatives Network - I looked it up) but it certainly doesn’t spell a cohesive comic that we would continue to read. 

Well, let’s walk that back a bit. There are some good gags and Lobo is only in it for a few panels and is used quite well. But essentially, this is a stop-gap issue where L.E.G.I.O.N. throws a party on a planet inhabited by blue war bunnies and it ends up all going sideways because space aliens. There’s also this hipster Leatherface dude that serves as muscle for a chunky guy dressed in an ill-fitting bellboy costume who would most certainly be played by comedian Eddie Pepitone in the DCEU version of this comic. Not sure if its enough for us to buy in. Maybe if Eddie played his character from the excellent YouTube comedy strip PUDDIN, there might be a sale.

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This week, we take on our first-ever Star Comics book, which was a 1980s Marvel Comics line for folks that felt Power Pack was too intense. The Chuck Norris slant here is based off of his toy line and cartoon and not the scene in MISSING IN ACTION 2 where a captor hangs Chuck upside-down and puts a bag with a rat in it over his head but Chuck Norris ends up killing the rat with his mouth. The story goes off the rails pretty much almost immediately and never recovers. By the end, its basically RED DAWN for kids. Starring Chuck Norris.

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Well, we’re back in boring New Warriors land but you know, we don’t hate this. I mean, its not good but its not offensive. 

Night Thrasher gets into it with a kimono-wearing Donald Trump/Wendigo gangster hybrid while Silhouette goes through a number of hairstyles from page to page like she’s Wonder Man or something. We also take the whole Night Thrasher origin for a walk because its basically a convoluted Batman origin that involves forced marriages and Vietnamese sorcerers.

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Guys, we had NO idea that this just happened to be “that one Aquaman story” when picked up this issue of ADVENTURE COMICS. Ah, god. This one doesn’t end on a fun note.

Regardless, we find some joy here like the improbable laminating machine used to hand out Aqualad headshots as well as Black Manta’s plans for a Peter Benchley library.

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In this issue of Shawn’s favorite comic, QUASAR, some random-ass Elder of the Universe decides the time is right to have a bunch of super-powered speedsters race to the Moon, thus exposing the sad roster of Marvel speedsters. I mean, once you get past Quicksilver, the quality drops off dramatically.

This is also the issue of QUASAR where its revealed that omnipotent space broccoli Eon is WEEKEND AT BERNIE’ing Quasar's dad. Also, Quasar bro Makkari (of the Eternals) dresses like Ace Ventura and for some reason, we ponder using a Ouija board to contact comic scribe Mark Grunewald (RIP)

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In this fascinating issue of SUPERMAN’S GIRLFRIEND, LOIS LANE, Lois marries Satan. Well, it’s not quite Satan but Satan-ish. Ok, its not Marvel’s Satannish BUT it is an alien posing as an Indian version of Sigfried & Roy who gets hot for Lois from deep space and decides to hypnotize tigers in hopes that she’s dumb enough to cover the story and show up so he can woo her. Turns out she is.

Then, later in the book, Lois runs afoul of some evil wigs that make the wearer go FINAL DESTINATION on themselves. Supergirl has to save her ass because some cranky actor decided to set up some crooked real-life Patreons and didn’t like Lois being all inquisitive and stuff.

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We keep it local this week as we cover AVENGERS WEST COAST from 1991. Here, we have Julia Carpenter Spider-Woman farting around in Newport Beach, handling the (presumed) rampant thefts of seafood tapas. Or maybe someone’s double parked at the day spa, preventing Peter Gallagher from getting his eyebrows fluffed. A sad state of affairs in the OC. Glad Spider-Woman’s there.

Also, Tigra and Iron Man go on a date to a bowling alley and we DON’T get to see it, Wonder Man gets huffy that Scarlet Witch won’t get over her non-existent kids and robot husband and Elvira (the vampire lady, not the Oak Ridge Boys song) makes an appearance.

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Sometimes you can make a comic book out of a toy line and its awesome and then sometimes you can do one and its garbage. This is the latter. TOTAL JUSTICE was a toy line that put clunky plastic armor deals on DC characters. I had the random Despero figure (STILL HAVE IT IN 2018) in case you were wondering if I hold on to things forever. Anyway, the story is confusing and kind of gross because there’s this snot armor that J’onn whips up that adapts to whatever your power is. Captain Atom is here and he’s all indignant about not being able to get inserted into the main story and mash everyone. That part is pretty great.

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To cap off our Holiday-themed month, we foist upon you SANTA THE BARBARIAN, a Rob Liefeld-curated book about angry Santas who fight robots, sit in thrones with hot elven lasses at their feet, stalk random dudes with knives and murder Jason Momoa doppelgängers. Sometimes, you just gotta take a swing and make a comic about a chromium trading card that came packed in a Wizard magazine. 

There’s also a bevy of ads for other Maximum Press books and Image Comics-adjacent titles that I just don’t have the patience for. The 90s were just too extreme for me, guys.

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Continuing on with our Holiday comic book adventures, we check in to see what Batman and the Outsiders are up to. Turns out Geo-Force is ready to kill a creepy, life-ruining dude so Batman puts down his Criminology book (that most certainly had a Nugget magazine tucked inside) and helps Halo call Superman to kill Brion. What results is a morality-based fight between Geo-Force and Superman that ends with justice ( hopefully off-panel) because dudes be creepy and lousy. There’s also not enough Metamorpho which is a shame because he could’ve, like, turned into an X-Mas tree and the Outsiders could have opened their gifts around him or something.

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Ben Grimm and the Fantastic Four go X-Mas shopping and poor, blind Alicia Masters is stuck carrying a bunch of boxes in an inexplicably cruel act. I mean, hell, Reed can carry all the boxes himself so I don’t know why he’s making a woman with a legit handicap do it. Anyway, Alicia makes Ben write a letter to step-dad, the Puppet Master, who promptly gets out of jail and brings his James Carville-looking ass to their holiday party. Then, out of nowhere, Franklin Richards guilts his family into flying Ben and the Puppet Master to Europe so Puppet Dude can get his evil clay and presumably star in low-budget horror films. Hijinks in Eastern Europe occur involving a cow-based woman and a mentally regressed magician.

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We did some shopping over the holiday weekend and you lucky folks get to reap the rewards! For the first time, we cover POWER PACK, a book about four kids bestowed with super-powers by a dying alien horse. In this issue, Dr. Doom wants those powers so he sends Typhoid Mary to infatuate the blatantly underage Alex Power and Alex’s Doonesbury-looking dad into fighting over her crazy ass while she steals the secret to anti-matter control or something. It doesn’t go well so Mary goes back to Dr. Doom and ruins his couch but somehow is not immediately incinerated for doing so. She totally owes him a new couch.

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Happy Thanksgiving everybody! Superboy’s celebrating Thanksgiving here as well by ignorantly starving a prison filled with malcontent boys, roasting albino turkeys with his eyes and then hiding in the basement of the Kent’s house like he’s Eddie Munster’s pet dragon Spot. Then he goes all street justice on Lex Luthor instead of staying home and eating his weight in Stove Top Stuffing like he should.

We also give our thoughts on the JUSTICE LEAGUE movie and we get a bit spoiler-y. Not too bad but its worth a heads up.

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This CAGE book is pretty boring but we do our best to make it work. There’s 90’s excess abound with sinewy cyber-villains and the Tinkerer being all creepy in his truck using his violence-based trickery to get Cage to help him find his son who is conveniently being held with Cage’s brother and father. Also, Cage’s dad looks like the Afro-American version of Mr. Buzzcut from BEAVIS & BUTTHEAD; its uncanny. We also go off on a large tangent regarding this cadre of villains-for-hire that Cage’s captive family is mixed up in. There’s a guy named Kickback and a contract killer literally named Contract. To cap it all off, there’s 3 Musketeers ad on the back of this book that could very well double as a sexy scenario on early 90s Playboy home video release and may have been created by Baby Gene Draper from MAD MEN.

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“Batman” makes it out to the west coast finally but its not “Batman” Batman but its some rich guy named Byron Wyatt who we believe might be the patriarch of the Wyatt Family in the WWE. Robin’s here too but he’s actually this bad-ass stunt man who has hair like Lobot from EMPIRE STRIKES BACK. Its an Elseworlds book so there’s all sorts of nuttiness that doesn’t count.

Speaking of nuttiness, Jen and Shawn discuss the latest happenings on GOTHAM such as Bruce Wayne buying a nightclub with a handshake (just regular handshake too, not a cool secret one) and then ignoring alcohol restrictions for minors. All of a sudden, he’s that shady dude who used to sneak high schoolers into bars like “The Locker Room.” Pro tip: never go into a bar called “The Locker Room.”

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Its back to the Marvel cosmic universe as Silver Surfer and Nova search for pirates in Mos Eisley-ish kind of place that they have to go through space tar to get to. Surfer takes clothes from two dead guys to fit in like he’s in some sort of Salvation Army / Hunger Games deal. He ends up looking like a kid wearing an adult fireman’s outfit. Meanwhile, Nova (the Frankie Raye version) gets restless over her lack of space travels as she’s only been doing the herald thing for a few months. I feel ya, sister.

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Its Halloween and we celebrate by checking out one of DC’s many horror anthology series, this one hosted by Madame Xanadu (because Zatanna was probably in the JLA or something). This issue revolves around some physics girl who opens up a gate to Hell using SCIENCE~! and accidentally looks at a demon with large lady hips for too long and she gets possessed. Madame Xanadu uses her tarot cards to tell her egregious boyfriend to constantly spy on her while our physics girl gets more possessed, indicated by her taste for escargo and David Hasselhoff clones. Then we get a straight-up exorcism because its the 70s and Udo Kier is probably hanging out somewhere weirdly pronouncing the word “occult” like he does in SUSPIRIA. Anyway, HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

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Here’s one of those books that is supposedly written by Stan Lee although Stan Lee investing considerable time in a disgraced white-collar exec turned super-powered eco-warrior turned thorny Sabretooth story is dubious. I mean, maybe he did. I don’t know….he’s rich and could do whatever he wanted. Maybe it was a passion project. Or…maybe it was a passionFRUIT project and Stan Lee just wanted a refreshing Snapple Tea.

Anyway, Ravage brings a dead manimal body as a housewarming gift and the main villain’s lackey looks like Howie Mandel from WALK LIKE A MAN. That was a movie where Howie Mandel is raised by wolves, gets assimilated into society and steals a Teddy Ruxpin. 

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This week, we dabble in the current crop of books that are just as dumb as the ones from year’s past. Why does everything - literally EVERYTHING - have to revolve around the fact that Thomas and Martha Wayne had sex. If Bruce wasn’t born, nothing would ever happen in the DCU. Its true…you know it.

There’s a lot of buffoonery going on in this book, including robot uvulas, dramatic map reveals and a mountain growing in the middle of Gotham because why not. Also, we talk about Shawn’s trip to some Buffalo, NY comic book stores and how the Flight Into Fantasy bookstore in Kaisertown was ruined by the NHL.

Oh, and if you’re a sentient hot tub and you want to fight us, you know here to find us.

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Despite the Walt Simonson art, this X-Factor book fails to impress. However, we do have Beast in his “ode to the 1984 San Diego Padres” outfit and Iceman wearing his Asgardian championship belt so not all is lost. Plus, Thomas Haden Church makes an appearance and then promptly explodes (probably from all that star power) and a sentient ship makes chili burgers and it is gross.

Shawn and Jen also review the film QUARTER BIN which is an Amazon Prime indie centered around varied relationships of folks that work at a comic book store in Cleveland. Also, the lead has some serious Wayne Static hair (RIP)

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Well…this was a weird one. Not weird in a good way but weird in a confusing way. Sovereign Seven is the Polyphonic Spree of comic book teams, playing host to what seems to be 30,000 active members. There’s some weird slavery/manipulation stuff going on and the main heroine is named after dishwashing liquid. 

Jen did some drinking in this episode. We end up talking about the season premiere of GOTHAM and how Jim Gordon is murdering everyone. There’s also this whole thing about the Black-Eyed Peas comic that Marvel put out that neither of us will probably get around to reading but damn, it looks good.

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Cap is BACK! Not sure why he keeps showing up on the show but this issue where him and Nomad beat up on a morbidly obese drug lord was too hard to pass up. There’s a lot of things that we discover in this issue, specifically that Donald Trump’s doctor may have worked on party boat out in international waters, administering penicillin shots, prior to keeping our President eternally orange. We also learn that Cap packs sandwiches before heading out on a nautical mission and that Nomad once had a raging Tom Selleck mustache that he used to seduce hitchhikers. All this plus we discuss the impressive, mammoth collection that this book came from as well as independent video rental store memories from the late 80s.

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