My debut dump of six short poems:

• (0:00) Pearls before swine
• (0:35) Bum-day
• (1:11) GIVE ME CHOC!
• (1:44) Thirst-day
• (2:23) My furry pussy
• (3:10) Edith's Jobs: The Public Library
• (4:02) Outro

Poem Transcripts:

Pearls before swine

I met an old friend over wine

who is also poetically inclined

I told her I now have poems online

yes finally I have moved with the times

she said putting poems online?

that's like casting pearls before swine

I said do you really think they're as good as that?

she said NO I was talking about mine

BUM-DAY

Monday you should be renamed BUM-DAY

for you chase all the fun and the sun away

make me hit rock-bottom and feel so moody

I want to pull a massive MOONY

at you and me and everybody

I’ll send it now from the seat of my pants

they’ll probably see it in the South of France

GIVE ME CHOC!

GIVE ME CHOC! GIVE ME CHOC!

don’t give a toffee or a toss

if it’s flaked aerated castrated X-RATED

‘tis the finest food ‘twas ever created

box tub boil-in-the-bag or bucket

whatever it’s in I’ll suck it!

savour it? share it?

FUCK-OFF! forget it!

I’ll masticate it quickly

not that picky

egg shaped or turd shaped?

don’t care I’d still trough it

no time to grab a plate

or leave the shop

it’s in my gob

it’s GONE!

THIRST-DAY

Thursday I am renaming you THIRST-DAY

for I’m feeling rather thirsty today

three pots of tea and two pints of juice

I’m downing more fluids than a hospital sluice

twelve cups of coffee and six hot chocs please

I might be requiring one or two wees

milkshakes cans of pop I happily slurp

please forgive the occasional BURP!

Happy hour can’t come too soon

I aim to drink more than the man in the moon

to the ladies loo I am now going

OMG it’s overflowing!

My furry pussy

I really love my furry pussy

she makes my heart go soft and mushy

yet she’s a pain in the arse and extremely fussy

lives a pampered life that’s ever so cushy

she purrs and pretends she only wants to please

before sinking her claws right into my knees

she wants me to vacate my seat

so she can get comfy and fall asleep

she brings me a gift the liver of a mouse

the rest is somewhere else in the house

I don’t know where she makes me guess

I’ll eventually find the congealed mess

but her face is so cute she’s hard to berate

so I feed her titbits straight from my plate

I really love my furry pussy

living her fussy life so cushy

there’s no-one else I would tolerate

putting their arse so close to my face

Edith’s Jobs: The Public Library

Have you ever worked in a public library?

if you did it would drive you blinkin’ barmy

you’d get more peace if you joined the army

serving customers should be so rewarding

but trust me you’d prefer waterboarding

I’m looking for a book but its name I can’t recall

it’s about a girl with a pen pal in darkest Nepal

on the front there’s a picture of a bat and two balls

Ok madam well you’d better sit down

it might take the rest of my life to track it down

and to be honest I’ve got better things to do

there’s my coffee to drink then I’m off for a POO