If you're ever feel lonely at work, lonely working from home, or you realize your regular friends just don't get what you do, this episode is for you.

I spoke with Lindsay Pinchuk, award-winning entrepreneur and founder of the Dear Founder Forum, a networking community for women business owners over 40. Lindsay's group is a big reason the "Dear Nina" world has grown so much this past year, and this conversation is all about how networking communities (not just Lindsay's) can become an unexpected and essential source of real, lasting friendship. It's really something you might want to consider if you work alone or with a very small team.

But just like in friendship, feeling seen and heard in a networking communities takes an element of giving of your time and attention, NOT JUST TAKING. In this episode we discuss the true friendships that can be made in a networking group and how those connections can help your business and your life.

WE DISCUSSED:

• Why networking groups can foster real friendships
• The “you get out what you put in” truth (for both networking and friendship)
• Why being in the same business doesn’t have to mean competition
• The surprising benefits of becoming friendly with your “competition”
• Why conversations—not social media—are what actually grow your work and your relationships
• The difference between being friendly and being friends (and why both matter)
• Why expecting your friends to support your work as if they're customers, followers, or "fans," can backfire

LINKS MENTIONED: 

• "Do you make yourself smaller around certain friends?" The January Substack post about realizing your regular friends aren't the right outlet for some of your work conversations
• Dear FoundHer the podcast and the forum
• Sunny and Jenn on Dear Nina
• My turn as a guest on Lindsay's amazing podcast, Dear FoundHer. We talked about how I built Dear Nina!

Meet Lindsay Pinchuk

Lindsay Pinchuk is an award-winning entrepreneur, consultant, and small business mentor who’s among the less than 1% of female founders to successfully lead her company through an acquisition. She built her first company, Bump Club and Beyond, from just $500 into a 7-figure brand with partnerships that included Target, Nordstrom, Huggies, and Unilever, reaching over 3 million people every month before selling the business to a large agency holding company.

Today, Lindsay is the founder of Dear FoundHer, a top 0.5% podcast and community supporting women business owners over 40. Through her podcast, newsletter, mentorship program, and her signature SWEEP framework, she helps entrepreneurs simplify their marketing, grow their businesses, and build long-term success.

Follow Dear FoundHer on Instagram @dearfoundher!

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

!! Catch up on all Dear Nina episodes on Apple and Spotify

📢 How to promote your service, business, or book on Dear Nina

🎈 Celebrate your friend on the show by dedicating a week of episodes!

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️  Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, & the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪  Ask an anonymous friendship question

📪 email: dearninapodcast@gmail.com

🔎 Want to work with me on your podcast, your friendships, or need another link? That’s probably here.

Dr. Jessica and I spoke about how to help kids become socially confident in a world where so much interaction happens on screens. From teaching kids to initiate plans instead of waiting to be invited (adults need to master this too!), to why proximity and real-life time together matter more than ever, this is a practical conversation about what helps kids make and keep friends.

We also got into what it looks like for parents to support friendships—hosting, encouraging, and sometimes stepping in—without over-managing. It's not easy! This discussion includes plenty of nuance. If you’re raising kids in today’s tech-heavy world, this one will give you a lot to think about.

We talk about:

• Why kids (and adults) need to learn to initiate—not wait to be invited
• The importance of proximity and “hyper-local” friendships for kids when possible
• How parents can encourage friendships without forcing them (Accept that kids' friendships WILL change, even when the parents are close.)
• Rethinking reciprocity (it’s not tit-for-tat)
• How to help kids navigate friendship conflict and give each other grace
• The reality of drifting friendships and why it’s not always a failure
• How screens and over-scheduling are changing kids’ social lives
• Simple, practical ways to help kids feel more confident and socially capable
• Thoughts on being "the hosting house"

Meet Dr. Jessica Hochman

Your Child is Normal is the trusted podcast for parents, pediatricians, and child health experts who want smart, nuanced conversations about raising healthy, resilient kids. Hosted by Dr. Jessica Hochman — a board-certified practicing pediatrician — the show combines evidence-based medicine, expert interviews, and real-world parenting advice to help listeners navigate everything from sleep struggles to mental health, nutrition, screen time, and more.

Follow Dr Jessica Hochman:

Instagram: @AskDrJessica and Tiktok @askdrjessica, YouTube channel: Ask Dr Jessica

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

!! Catch up on all Dear Nina episodes on Apple and Spotify

📢 How to promote your service, business, or book on Dear Nina

🎈 Celebrate your friend on the show by dedicating a week of episodes!

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️  Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, & the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪  Ask an anonymous friendship question

📪 email: dearninapodcast@gmail.com

🔎 Want to work with me on your podcast, your friendships, or need another link? That’s probably here.

Birthdays can be emotionally loaded and full of expectations, mixed signals, and quiet disappointment about what we’re “supposed to do” and who is “supposed to do” it for us. If birthdays have left you feeling overlooked or unsure of your friendships, this episode offers a practical—and freeing—way to think about them differently.

And I know some of you are saying, "I don't care about my birthday anyway." That's okay! I'm still making the case that your birthday is an opportunity to be inviting and generous. Stick with me.

In this conversation with my close friend Debra Arbit (who I didn’t meet until my early 40s!), we talk about reframing our approach to birthdays to one that makes them more joyful and reflective of the friendships we want.

Debra shares how she planned her 45th birthday in a way that felt intentional, flexible, and genuinely fun.

Please note, this conversation goes way beyond birthdays. It’s about expectations in friendships, as well as effort, vulnerability, and what it really looks like to build the kind of relationships you want.

HIGHLIGHTS:

• Why birthdays often become a “test” of friendship and why that can backfire
• The case for planning your own birthday (and why it’s not as sad as it sounds)
• Debra’s “Signup Genius” 45th birthday events
• Letting go of rigid ideas about reciprocity
• What “showing up” actually looks like (it’s more than just attending)
• Why mixing different groups of friends can be a good thing
• Scarcity vs. abundance mindsets in friendship
• How to set the tone for your birthday—whether it’s a party or a simple one-on-one plan

Again, if birthdays have ever left you feeling resentful or anxious, this episode offers a way forward—one that’s intentional, generous, and meaningful.

LINKS MENTIONED: 

• Debra's amazing Instagram account: @fortheloveofcookbooks
• Episode #84 with Debra: How to Turn an Acquaintance Into a Friend AND How to Make Hosting Easier
• Episode #131: Start a Ritual/Tradition with Friends
• Episode #140: Celebrating Friends’ Birthdays and Your Own Birthday
• All the friendship challenges on Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship

MEET DEBRA ARBIT:

In addition to being one of my real life actual close friends, Debra is a serial entrepreneur who is passionate about lifting up other women business owners. When she isn’t thinking of new business ideas or consulting with women business owners, she is likely cooking her way through a cookbook completing every single recipe within it. She recently finished her 20th complete cookbook and is steadily working through her never-ending stack. She posts all about her cookbook adventures on her Instagram account, @fortheloveofcookbooks, where she rates the recipes and shares which of her three kids and husband were willing to try whatever she made. Oh. And she happens to be moderately obsessed with birthdays and celebrating all of life’s milestones big and small.

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

!! Catch up on all Dear Nina episodes on Apple and Spotify

📢 How to promote your service, business, or book on Dear Nina

🎈 Celebrate your friend on the show by dedicating a week of episodes!

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️  Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, & the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪  Ask an anonymous friendship question

📪 email: dearninapodcast@gmail.com

🔎 Want to work with me on your podcast, your friendships, or need another link? That’s probably here.

That’s the question that stopped Andrew McCarthy—yes, the Pretty in Pink / Mannequin/St. Elmo's Fire/"Brat Pack" Andrew McCarthy—in his tracks and led to a 10,000-mile journey to reconnect with the people he considered his closest friends. Andrew's book, Who Needs Friends: An Unscientific Examination of Male Friendship Across America, is available now! 

In this episode, Andrew and I talk about what happens when friendships quietly drift into the background, why that happens so often for men, and what it actually takes to rebuild connections with people you know would be there for you in theory, but it's been too long since you've spent time together in person.

This is a conversation about male friendship, but also about something much more universal: showing up, loneliness, and the kind of safety only real friendship can provide.

WE DISCUSSED: 

• Why “having friends” isn’t the same as actually seeing them
• The idea of safety in friendship and why it matters just as much as trust
• Why many men drift away from friendships over time (and don’t always notice it happening)
• The pressure men feel to provide and how that shapes their identity and relationships
• The difference between foundational friendships and newer friendships and why both matter
• What women can learn from how men often allow for imperfection in friendships
• The underrated role of asking for help in building and strengthening connection
• How loneliness can be a signal—not a failure—and what it’s trying to tell us
• Why scheduling (or built-in rituals like games or activities) makes friendships more likely to last
• What kids notice about their parents' friendships and why modeling connection matters
• Andrew’s insight that for many men, action can be a form of love

LINKS MENTIONED: 

• Andrew's newest book: Who Needs Friends: An Unscientific Examination of Male Friendship Across America
• Episode 184 of Dear Nina with Dr. Jeffrey Hall
• My episode on NPR's LifeKit about old friends

Meet Andrew McCarthy

Andrew McCarthy gained fame as an actor in the 1980’s appearing in such iconic films as Pretty in Pink, St. Elmo’s Fire, and Less Than Zero, as well as cult favorites Weekend At Bernie’s and Mannequin. He has starred on Broadway and made numerous television appearances, most recently seen as a regular on Fox’s The Resident.

Andrew most recently directed Brats, an intimate and provocative new feature documentary, which premiered on Hulu in June 2024. The documentary explores the iconic films of the 80s as well as their stars, branded with the name the “Brat Pack.”

Beyond his work in front of and behind the camera, Andrew has become an accomplished author, and he is one of today’s leading travel writers. Andrew lives in New York with his wife and three kids.

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

!! Catch up on all Dear Nina episodes on Apple and Spotify

📢 How to promote your service, business, or book on Dear Nina

🎈 Celebrate your friend on the show by dedicating a week of episodes!

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️  Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, & the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪  Ask an anonymous friendship question

📪 email: dearninapodcast@gmail.com

🔎 Want to work with me on your podcast, your friendships, or need another link? That’s probably here.

I consistently hear from listeners who are struggling with friendship in ways that feel confusing or painful: repeated friendship breakups, difficulty making meaningful connections, uncertainty about whether to confront a friend or quietly drift away. While many friendship challenges are completely normal, when the same issues keep showing up again and again, there are likely deeper issues at play.

In this episode, I speak with psychotherapist and social worker Roxanne Francis about how to recognize the difference between typical friendship struggles and patterns that deserve a closer look.

We discuss some of the biggest themes that come up in my inbox: boundaries, ghosting, overly reliance on online friendships, and the growing tendency to cut people off quickly. Roxanne brings the perspective of a therapist who works with these dynamics every day and offers thoughtful insight into when self-reflection—or even therapy—might help us understand what’s really going on.

If you’ve ever found yourself wondering why certain friendship struggles keep showing up, this episode offers thoughtful insight into what those patterns might be trying to tell you. (A version of this episode was originally released in April 2024 and it's every bit still as relevant today.)

Meet Roxanne Francis

Roxanne is an award-winning CEO of Francis Psychotherapy & Consulting Services, runs a busy group therapy practice, is a keynote speaker, leadership coach and corporate consultant who addresses topics related to women’s issues, race & equity, mental health, parenting, and wellness at work. Roxanne is also frequently in the media, sharing her expertise.

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

!! Catch up on all Dear Nina episodes on Apple and Spotify

📢 How to promote your service, business, or book on Dear Nina

🎈 Celebrate your friend on the show by dedicating a week of episodes!

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️  Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, & the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪  Ask an anonymous friendship question

📪 email: dearninapodcast@gmail.com

🔎 Want to work with me on your podcast, your friendships, or need another link? That’s probably here.

ADHD is getting more attention right now, but one part of the conversation often gets overlooked: how ADHD affects adult friendships for the person with ADHD and for that person's friends.

To learn more, I spoke with Cate Osborn and Erik Gude, the duo behind the podcast Catie and Erik’s Infinite Quest: An ADHD Adventure and co-authors of the new book, The ADHD Field Guide for Adults.

We discussed the friendship side of ADHD—especially the gap between caring deeply about people and actually managing the follow-through that friendship requires. We also talked about why making friends can feel easy (for some people with ADHD) while keeping them can feel much harder; how executive dysfunction affects things like reaching out, planning ahead, remembering important details, and staying present in conversation; and why “if they wanted to, they would” is often too simplistic when ADHD is involved.

This conversation is for both people with ADHD navigating friendship and the friends who want to better understand them. Cate and Erik make a strong case for both sides: more compassion from neurotypical friends, and more responsibility from people with ADHD to build systems that help them show up well in relationships.

It’s an honest, practical conversation about communication, rejection sensitivity, misunderstanding, and what it takes to create friendships that are both more realistic and more resilient.

HIGHLIGHTS:

• How executive dysfunction affects texting back, planning, remembering, and following through
• Why reaching out is such a loaded issue in adult friendships
• The difference between intention and behavior in ADHD
• How ADHD can affect conversation styles, including interrupting and anecdotal communication
• What rejection sensitivity is and how it shapes friendships
• Why shame can make it even harder to reconnect after time passes
• The kinds of systems and structures that can help people with ADHD be better friends (and why those systems will be different for every person with ADHD)
• Why it matters to ask for what you need instead of testing your friendships
• How to tell the difference between a friendship problem and a simple difference in communication style

MEET CATE OSBORN & ERIK GUDE

CATE OSBORN, along with Erik Gude, is an educator and advocate for people with ADHD. She is the host of Sorry I Missed This on Understood.org, which focuses on ADHD’s impact on relationships, communication, and intimacy, and the cohost of Catie and Erik’s Infinite Quest: An ADHD Adventure. A certified sex educator, she is the advisor to Playboy for her expertise in the intersection of intimacy and neurodiversity. Her work has also appeared in Cosmopolitan, The New York Times, GQ, HuffPost, and other outlets. Find out more at Catieosaurus.com. Follow Cate on TikTok and Instagram @catieosaurus.

ERIK GUDE, along with Cate Osborn, is an educator and advocate for people with ADHD. He cohosts Catie and Erik’s Infinite Quest: An ADHD Adventure and, with Cate Osborn, and frequently hosts panels about the intersection of ADHD and gaming at conventions, including DragonCon, Emerald City Comic Con, GenCon, MomoCon, and San Diego Comic-Con. Erik’s ADHD Crafting Challenge was a huge success on TikTok with over 20 million views. A former cook, he is now a prop maker and fabricator at the legendary Fonco Studios. Follow him on TikTok and Instagram @HeyGude.

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

!! Catch up on all Dear Nina episodes on Apple and Spotify

📢 How to promote your service, business, or book on Dear Nina

🎈 Celebrate your friend on the show by dedicating a week of episodes!

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️  Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, & the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪  Ask an anonymous friendship question

📪 email: dearninapodcast@gmail.com

🔎 Want to work with me on your podcast, your friendships, or need another link? That’s probably here.

When I answered the letter for Real Simple, I side-stepped the fashion elements of the question because I'm not a fashion-forward person, at all. I stuck to wondering why the letter write would let the issue fester for 15 years.

To help me address the parts I missed and even expand the conversation to friends who ask you to work for free AND friends who cannot give you a direct compliment, I’m joined by Candace Ourisman, creative director, brand consultant, and founder of Secretly Fancy.

Candace lives in the world of personal style and taste! We talk about why this situation of being copied can feel flattering to some people and suffocating to others, and how oftentimes it depends on how the request for resources is addressed. We get honest about the part nobody wants to admit: sometimes the feeling of being copied isn’t about the item or the idea—it’s about what’s missing underneath it (acknowledgment, appreciation, and basic communication).

In this episode, we get into:

• When copying feels like connection vs. when it feels like your identity is being erased
• What to do when something has bothered you for years in a friendship—and you’ve never said a word (as I addressed in the magazine)
• Where “friends don’t gatekeep” is true . . . and where it’s not the full story
• The tricky overlap between friendship + expertise: when a friend is asking for “quick help” and when they’re asking for unpaid labor. I dug out the 2015 question I answered on this exact issue. It's probably a bit dated now, but I stand by the sentiment of my advice.

Meet Candace Ourisman

Candace Ourisman is a creative director, brand consultant, and gifting expert based in Washington DC. She founded Secretly Fancy in 2009, a lifestyle platform that blends fashion, home and hosting with a distinctly playful point of view. Candace is known for curating immersive, high-touch experiences, from designer trunk shows and intimate salons to editorial-driven events, bringing together luxury brands, tastemakers, and community. Her work and perspective have been featured in The New York Times, The Washington Post, New York Magazine’s The Cut, Washingtonian, Yahoo Finance, and more.

Find her on Instagram: @secretlyfancy

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

!! Catch up on all Dear Nina episodes on Apple and Spotify

📢 How to promote your service, business, or book on Dear Nina

🎈 Celebrate your friend on the show by dedicating a week of episodes!

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️  Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, & the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪  Ask an anonymous friendship question

📪 email: dearninapodcast@gmail.com

🔎 Want to work with me on your podcast, your friendships, or need another link? That’s probably here.

I’m joined by Dr. Kimberly Horn, an internationally recognized research psychologist, professor, and public health scientist, and the author of Friends Matter for Life: Harnessing the Eight Tenets of Dynamic Friendship. Kimberly studies friendship through a public health lens, and she’s also lived what she teaches: the higher she rose professionally, the smaller (and trickier) her social landscape became.

We talk about common friendship traps for high achieving women, how success can make relationships feel murkier (hello, “real friend” vs. “deal friend”), and other issues like jealously and lopsided friendships.

In this episode, we get into:

• Why career success can shrink your friend circle (even when you don’t want it to)
• The “socially rich, internally disconnected” feeling
• How being “too busy” (and saying it out loud) can train people to stop inviting you
• The optimization trap: why we cancel a friend walk 4 times, but never cancel the draining meeting
• The comparison trap: how jealousy shows up in friendships (and why it’s normal)
• A concept I loved: co-celebration—and why celebrating others actually helps your brain
• The over-functioning trap: when competence turns into caretaking and then into resentment
• What “reciprocity” actually looks like in real adult friendships (hint: not 50/50, but not forever lopsided)
• The three options when a friendship feels “askew”
• Why some friendships fade without drama, and why that doesn’t mean they weren’t meaningful

Practical takeaways you can try immediately:

• The 2-2-1 ritual: 2 texts, 2 calls, 1 in-person touchpoint each week (small, doable, and powerful)
• Safeguard your energy: not everyone gets full access to your calendar (this one is hard for me too)

If friendship has started to feel like an “extra” you’ll get to someday, I hope this conversation helps you treat it like what it actually is: a health habit and a life support system.

Meet Dr. Kimberly Horn

Dr. Kimberly Horn is an internationally recognized research psychologist, professor, and public health scientist whose work bridges science and soul to improve human well-being. With nearly three decades of experience and more than 160 scientific publications on addiction recovery, and physical and emotional well-being across the lifespan, she is dedicated to helping people live healthier, more fulfilling lives. At the heart of her work is a simple truth: meaningful connection is a powerful health intervention.

Her new book, Friends Matter, For Life: Harnessing the 8 Tenets of Dynamic Friendship—endorsed by bestselling author Mel Robbins—confronts the public health crisis of loneliness, exploring friendship as its antidote. It offers a practical path forward—rooted in research—for navigating modern friendship and reclaiming connection. Her insights have been featured by NPR, CNN, ABC, SELF, Cosmopolitan, Vogue, Mashable, Newsweek, The New York Times, TIME, USA Today, and Psychology Today. Kimberly is known for translating complex science into practical, relatable guidance for daily living.

To learn more, follow Dr. Horn on Instagram, Facebook, and LinkedIn, or visit her website.

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

!! Catch up on all Dear Nina episodes on Apple and Spotify

📢 How to promote your service, business, or book on Dear Nina

🎈 Celebrate your friend on the show by dedicating a week of episodes!

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️  Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, & the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪  Ask an anonymous friendship question

📪 email: dearninapodcast@gmail.com

🔎 Want to work with me on your podcast, your friendships, or need another link? That’s probably here.

This week’s guest is Dr. Jeffrey Hall (and yes, I was awkwardly a bit of a fan girl for this one). Dr. Hall is a professor and department chair of Communication Studies at the University of Kansas, where he directs the Relationships and Technology Lab. He’s the author of Relating Through Technology and The Social Biome, has written for The Wall Street Journal, and if you’ve read basically any big article about friendship over the last several years, you’ve probably seen his research quoted.

You may know Dr. Hall best for his well-known findings on how long it actually takes to become close friends. We don’t get into the exact numbers in the conversation, so here they are: about 200 hours of shared time to become close friends, 80–100 hours for a solid friendship, and 40–60 hours for a casual one. If that feels like a lot, that’s the point. It explains why friendship can feel slow even when you’re “doing everything right.”

But the heart of this episode is Dr. Hall's newer work from the American Friendship Project, research on what he calls the Loneliness and Connection Paradox. In the age range known as “emerging adulthood” (ages 18–30), people are often very connected--more friends, more touchpoints, more socializing than they’ll have later in adulthood--and yet they can still feel emotionally unsettled and lonely.

That paradox isn’t limited to 20-somethings. Any season of rapid change can bring it on: moving, starting a new job, ending a relationship, divorce, kids leaving home, rebuilding a life, starting over. If you (or someone you love) is in a "season" where friendships feel shaky, slower than you want them to be, or weirdly unsatisfying even though you have a social life, this episode is for you.

In this episode, we talk about:

• Why loneliness isn’t always a sign something is wrong — sometimes it’s a healthy signal that you want more connection
• How major life transitions disrupt our sense of social stability
• Why women may experience the loneliness-and-connection tension more intensely
• The role of expectations in friendship — and why “high standards” can be both a strength and a stressor
• A concept I loved: ontological security — that settled feeling when life stops churning and friendships feel more stable
• A surprising insight about social media: it may be less about platforms causing poor wellbeing and more about people turning to them when they’re already struggling
• And what Dr. Hall is studying next — including research suggesting that feeling socially connected today can actually give you more energy tomorrow

Meet Dr. Jeffrey Hall:

Jeffrey Hall is a professor and department chair of communication studies at the University of Kansas, where he is the director of the Relationships and Technology Lab. He is the author of Relating Through Technology and The Social Biome, and has written for the Wall Street Journal. 

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

!! Catch up on all Dear Nina episodes on Apple and Spotify

📢 How to promote your service, business, or book on Dear Nina

🎈 Celebrate your friend on the show by dedicating a week of episodes!

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️  Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, & the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪  Ask an anonymous friendship question

📪 email: dearninapodcast@gmail.com

🔎 Want to work with me on your podcast, your friendships, or need another link? That’s probably here.

I’m joined by licensed psychotherapist Meg Josephson, author of Are You Mad at Me?: How to Stop Focusing on What Others Think and Start Living for You. We spoke about people pleasing, anxiety in friendships, and that constant low-level worry so many of us carry: Did I say the wrong thing? Did I mess something up? Am I in trouble?

Meg explains why people pleasing isn’t a personality trait or a weakness—it’s a survival response called fawning. A lot of us learned it early on as a way to stay safe, liked, and connected. The problem is that in adulthood, it turns into overthinking, over-apologizing, and a constant focus on how we’re being perceived, including in our friendships. It can very exhausting to live this way, and also tiresome for the friends who have to constantly assure you "everything's OK." 

In this episode, we talk about:

• Why you can’t actually control how other people see you, no matter how carefully you try
• What the fawn response is and how it shows up in adult friendships
• How people pleasing leads to anxiety, burnout, and quiet resentment
• The difference between reassurance-seeking and real emotional connection
• Why constantly needing reassurance can be hard on friendships
• How growing up around criticism or gossip can make you feel perpetually judged
• Finding the balance between showing up for people and over-functioning
• Why resentment is a signal worth paying attention to
• A practical mindfulness tool for interrupting anxiety spirals
• How social media makes people pleasing worse
• Learning how to tolerate discomfort without immediately fixing it

Meet Meg Josephson:

Meg Josephson, LCSW, is a licensed psychotherapist. In her private practice, she specializes in trauma-informed care through a compassion-focused lens. She holds a Master of Social Work from Columbia University, and she is a certified meditation teacher through the Nalanda Institute. Meg also shares accessible insights via her social media platforms, reaching over five hundred thousand followers. Find Meg on Instagram at @megjosephson.

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

!! Catch up on all Dear Nina episodes on Apple and Spotify

📢 How to promote your service, business, or book on Dear Nina

🎈 Celebrate your friend on the show by dedicating a week of episodes!

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️  Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, & the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪  Ask an anonymous friendship question

📪 email: dearninapodcast@gmail.com

🔎 Want to work with me on your podcast, your friendships, or need another link? That’s probably here.

In this conversation, I’m joined by grief coach and author Shelby Forsythia, whose work centers on helping people navigate loss of all kinds—not only death, but also divorce, diagnosis, estrangement, friendship breakups, and other life-altering transitions. Shelby has spent nearly a decade working with grieving people, and what she offers here is incredibly practical, compassionate, and grounding.

Rather than focusing on endless lists of “what not to say,” Shelby shares language we can use—simple, human phrases that help friendships survive the hardest moments.

Shelby's newest book, Of Course I'm Here Right Now: Three Actually Helpful Things to Say to Someone Grieving, is written for the people who want to support grievers—friends, family members, coworkers, and anyone who finds themselves walking alongside someone in pain.

IN THIS EPISODE, WE TALK ABOUT:

• The three stories most grieving people tell themselves, and how to recognize which one your friend is living in
• Why the loss of friendships after a major loss can be just as painful as the loss itself
• How to support someone without trying to fix or reframe their grief
• Why saying the name of the person who died often feels comforting, not upsetting
• How to show up for non-death grief, including divorce, estrangement, and friendship loss
• Why it’s okay—and often necessary—to literally put “check in on my friend” in your calendar

Meet Shelby:

Shelby Forsythia (she/her) is a grief coach, three time author, and podcast host. In 2020, she founded Life After Loss Academy, an online course and community that has helped dozens of grievers grow and find their way after death, divorce, diagnosis, and other major life transitions.

Following her mother’s death in 2013, Shelby began calling herself a “student of grief” and now devotes her days to reading, writing, and speaking about loss. Through a combination of mindfulness tools and intuitive, open-ended questions, she guides her clients to welcome grief as a teacher and create meaningful lives that honor and include the heartbreaks they’ve faced. Her work has been featured in Huffington Post, Bustle, and The Oprah Magazine.

Find Shelby: Website | Instagram | Facebook | YouTube | TikTok

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

!! Catch up on all Dear Nina episodes on Apple and Spotify

📢 How to promote your service, business, or book on Dear Nina

🎈 Celebrate your friend on the show by dedicating a week of episodes!

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️  Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, & the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪  Ask an anonymous friendship question

📪 email: dearninapodcast@gmail.com

🔎 Want to work with me on your podcast, your friendships, or need another link? That’s probably here.

Bestselling author Amy Weatherly returns with a mix of empathy and tough love, reminding us that adult friendship is rarely cut-and-dry. Sometimes the table truly only held four for that event. And sometimes, those people simply aren’t your people. Either way, Amy’s message is clear: you have more power than you think.

Together, Amy and I unpack the gray areas of adult friendship and how popular online memes can be contradictory (“There's always room for everyone!” vs. “Protect your peace!”). We discuss why group-chasing usually backfires and how to build connection one brave invitation at a time.

In this episode, we talk about:

• Why adult friendship isn’t “everyone gets invited” the way it is in childhood
• The difference between "a bad heart" and a bad moment
• How labeling people as “mean” or “toxic” can keep you stuck
• Why it’s usually better to look for a friend, not a group
• How confidence (and self-reflection) changes everything
• The difficult reality: rejection is part of making friends
• Building your own “table” instead of trying to squeeze into someone else’s
• Amy: “The secret to being liked is to like other people.”
• Amy: “Friendship will favor those who are bold enough to be rejected.”

Links Mentioned: 

• Last week’s episode (#180) with Dr. Noelle Santorelli on relational aggression and navigating exclusion
• A version of the Ashley Tisdale story on Today.com
• Nina’s prior episode (#86) featuring Amy + Jess
• Amy's “go where the love is” friendship poem Nina referenced, which can be found on Amy and Jess's Facebook group, Sister I am With You.
• Dr. Janice McCabe in the NYT on "friendship markets"

Meet Amy Weatherly:

Amy Weatherly is the co-founder with Jess Johnston of the viral page all about friendship, Sister, I Am with You. They coauthored the new book, Here For It and the Wall Street Journal bestseller I’ll Be There (But I’ll Be Wearing Sweatpants) 

Find Sister I am With You on: Facebook, Instagram, and on their Website.

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

!! Catch up on all Dear Nina episodes on Apple and Spotify

📢 How to promote your service, business, or book on Dear Nina

🎈 Celebrate your friend on the show by dedicating a week of episodes!

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️  Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, & the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪  Ask an anonymous friendship question

📪 email: dearninapodcast@gmail.com

🔎 Want to work with me on your podcast, your friendships, or need another link? That’s probably here.

I had to re-record my intro to this episode because not addressing the article and the aftermath would have felt off considering our topic for this one. 

In our discussion, Dr. Noelle and I spoke about what’s really going on when adult friendships start to feel like middle school. We unpack the difference between actual cruelty versus simply not wanting to be friends anymore (those are not the same thing), and why covert behavior is so confusing and painful to experience.

Dr. Noelle gives language to things many of us have felt but can’t quite name. She also offers some much-needed reminders to pause, regulate, and stop assuming every social slight has one clear explanation.

We talk about:

• What relational aggression actually is and how it sometimes shows up quietly
• Backhanded compliments, hot-and-cold behavior, gossip, exclusion, and “strategic withholding”
• The difference between being included and truly belonging (and why forced inclusion often backfires) 
• Friendship love bombing and why we should slow down in new friendships

One line from this episode that really stuck with me:

“Forced inclusion creates fragile belonging.”

I also share a very real story about spiraling after getting no response in a group text—and how sometimes the answer isn’t “they’re being mean,” rather it's: “this wasn’t the right time, place, or audience.”

My biggest takeaway: focus on patterns, not incidents, regulate before reacting, and ask yourself why you want into a group that might not actually feel safe or aligned.

Links Mentioned:

• A version of the Ashley Tisdale story on Today.com
• Dr. Santorelli's Mean Girl Mom Survival Guide
• Join the Dear Nina Facebook Group

Meet Dr. Noelle Santorelli:

If you’ve ever found yourself deep in the drama of Mean Girls or Mean Girls in Motherhood (aka Mean Girl Moms), you’ve probably come across Dr. Noelle Santorelli on Instagram. A licensed clinical psychologist, Dr. Santorelli has spent the past 14 years in private practice and holds a position of adjunct faculty at Emory School of Medicine in the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences.

In her practice, she specializes in working with high-achieving women who’ve experienced early trauma or grew up in dysfunctional, toxic family environments—often with emotionally immature or narcissistic parents. She also has deep expertise in relational aggression across the lifespan, helping women navigate covert bullying from friends, family, and even the workplace. She helps break down the complexities of relational aggression, Mean Girl culture, and how to protect your peace in a world full of social landmines. 

Find Dr. Santorelli on Instagram and TikTok at @drnoellesantorelli

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

!! Catch up on all Dear Nina episodes on Apple and Spotify

📢 How to promote your service, business, or book on Dear Nina

🎈 Celebrate your friend on the show by dedicating a week of episodes!

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️  Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, & the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪  Ask an anonymous friendship question

📪 email: dearninapodcast@gmail.com

🔎 Want to work with me on your podcast, your friendships, or need another link? That’s probably here.

We move quickly through a range of friendship dilemmas from listeners:

• milestone birthday expectations
• uneven effort
• friend group tension
• an uncomfortable confrontation
• a group chat blowup
• reaching out after a long gap since the last hangout
• and what to do when a friend’s choices leave you conflicted and/or burdened (We slightly disagreed about that last one!)

My mom, at 80, brings decades of perspective and a refreshingly no-nonsense approach to friendship. We talk about being realistic without becoming resentful, staying nonjudgmental, knowing when to widen your circle instead of forcing a group dynamic to work, and why friends and romantic partners serve very different roles in our lives.

This episode is thoughtful, candid, and practical—exactly what happens when I put a microphone in front of my mom and let her answer your questions honestly.

PREVIOUS 5 EPISODES WITH MY MOM:

• Ep. #1. The Friend Who Will Only Text:
• Ep. #8. When Friends Ask Questions You Don’t Want to Answer
• Ep. #36. Widowhood and Friendship
• Ep. #50. How Friendships Change With Age, Overlooking Foibles, Dealing With Our Teens’ Friendships, and more
• Ep. #72. Grudges and Apologies in Friendships

LINKED MENTIONED:

• Find the anonymous questions in the newsletter at dearnina.substack.com
• Ask an anonymous question 
• The live episode in Chicago was Ep. #160
• Join the Dear Nina Facebook Group 

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

!! Catch up on all Dear Nina episodes on Apple and Spotify

📢 How to promote your service, business, or book on Dear Nina

🎈 Celebrate your friend on the show by dedicating a week of episodes!

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️  Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, & the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪  Ask an anonymous friendship question

📪 email: dearninapodcast@gmail.com

🔎 Want to work with me on your podcast, your friendships, or need another link? That’s probably here.

The themes we keep coming back to on Dear Nina aren’t “college friends” or “mom friends” or “work friends.” It’s all of the above and more. The need to be chosen, to belong, to be wanted, and the sting when we don’t feel it—this is ageless and timeless.

HIGHLIGHTS:



• We reveal the top 5 cities and top 5 counties where you’re listening to Dear Nina.
• The top 5 episodes of 2025 and why we think they resonated.
• We reflect on the hardest and easiest 2025 Friendship Challenges (which we’re officially retiring!)
• And we talk about our biggest moments of the year—including the Chicago live show—and what's coming up in 2026.

LINKS MENTIONED:

Episodes Highlighted as Top of 2025

• Ep. 143 — The Law of Rejection in Friendships (with Harlan Cohen)
• Ep. 146 — Tolerate Uncertainty & Stop the Overthinking Spiral (with Dr. Jackie Henry)
• Ep. 132 — The Four Types of Connection (with Dr. Adam Dorsay)
• Ep. 148 — Tricky Friendship Etiquette for the Modern Digital Age (with Daniel Post Senning of the Emily Post Institute)
• Ep. 151 — Myths Around Adult Friendships (with Jazzmyn Proctor of The Visibility Standard Podcast)

Other Dear Nina Episodes Mentioned

• Ep. 160 — Live Show in Chicago (The final poem I read was from author Amy Weatherly of “Sister, I am With You.” It can be found on their Facebook page, here. You can also hear Amy and Jess on Dear Nina, episode #86.)
• Ep. 172 — What BEACHES Gets Right About Friendship

The Dear Nina Friendship Challenges

• The 12 friendship challenges 

MEET REBEKAH JACOBS:

Rebekah Jacobs is the assistant producer of Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship and a writing professor who lives in Bethesda, Maryland, with her husband and three kids.

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

!! Catch up on all Dear Nina episodes on Apple and Spotify

📢 How to promote your service, business, or book on Dear Nina

🎈 Celebrate your friend on the show by dedicating a week of episodes!

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️  Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, & the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪  Ask an anonymous friendship question

📪 email: dearninapodcast@gmail.com

🔎 Want to work with me on your podcast, your friendships, or need another link? That’s probably here.

I spoke to Dr. Janice McCabe an associate professor of sociology at Dartmouth College, the President of the Sociology of Education Association, and the author of two books: Making, Keeping, and Losing Friends: How Campuses Shape College Students Networks and Connecting in College: How Friendship Networks Matter for Academic and Social Success, about why friendship feels easy for some students and painfully hard for others. 

We dig into the idea of friendship markets—when they’re open, when they’re closed, and how to recognize the difference. We also talk about why clinging to the first friends you meet can actually make things harder and why the structures a school puts in place (the way dorms are organized or the types of orientation activities offered) can make a big difference in those early months. We also discussed the three common friendship network styles Dr. McCabe highlights in her research.

More than anything, this episode is a reminder that friendship is a process and that there is always another opportunity ahead to meet new people, even when it feels like everyone is settled in their groups.

Links mentioned:

• Making, Keeping, and Losing Friends: How Campuses Shape College Students Networks 
• Connecting in College: How Friendship Networks Matter for Academic and Social Success
• Episode #112: Navigating Friendships During College Admissions with guest Kate Proger
• Episode #115: "Use the Freshmen Energy Trick to Make New Friends as an Adult"

Meet Dr. Janice McCabe:

Dr. Janice McCabe is an associate professor of sociology and women’s, gender, and sexuality studies and the Allen House Professor at Dartmouth College. She teaches courses on the sociology of gender, youth, education, social problems, and research methods at Dartmouth. Dr. McCabe is the President of the Sociology of Education Association (SEA). Her books, Making, Keeping, and Losing Friends: How Campuses Shape College Students Networks (University of Chicago Press, 2025) and Connecting in College: How Friendship Networks Matter for Academic and Social Success (University of Chicago Press, 2016), focus on friendship networks and identities during college and into young adulthood. She is interested in how gender, race/ethnicity, and social class operate as social identities and how they shape social networks. Her research has been covered, among other places, in the Washington Post, Time magazine; NPR, New York Magazine, and the Boston Globe. 

Connect with Dr. McCabe on LinkedIn.

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

!! Catch up on all Dear Nina episodes on Apple and Spotify

📢 How to promote your service, business, or book on Dear Nina

🎈 Celebrate your friend on the show by dedicating a week of episodes!

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️  Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, & the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪  Ask an anonymous friendship question

📪 email: dearninapodcast@gmail.com

🔎 Want to work with me on your podcast, your friendships, or need another link? That’s probably here.

Dr. Adam Dorsay is a licensed psychologist and executive coach in Silicon Valley, and he’s also the author of the book, SuperPsyched. You’ll hear pretty quickly why I loved talking with him.

In this conversation, we get into the real-life, practical stuff!

THE HIGHLIGHTS:

• How to make plans
• Not chasing friend groups
• The power of phone calls
• To tease or not to tease?
• The middle path between "breaking up" and staying friends
• Assuming the best
• Mismatched energy in friendships
• What “reciprocity” does (and does not) mean
• What to do when a friend never asks about you
• The mindset shift that makes friendship feel less exhausting and more empowering

LINKS MENTIONED:

• Dr. Adam's episode on Dear Nina where HE was the guest: Ep. #132: "The Four Types of Connection"
• Dr. Adam's book!
• The SuperPsyched Podcast

MORE ABOUT DR. ADAM DORSAY

Dr. Adam Dorsay is a licensed psychologist and executive coach in Silicon Valley where he serves high-achieving adults (including professionals, executives, entrepreneurs, and professional athletes). Adam is the host SuperPsyched, an award-winning podcast with over 200 episodes available on all platforms. He has given two highly regarded TEDx Talks: one about men and their emotions and the other about friendship in adulthood and his book on the topic of the four ways people connect is available on October 1, 2024.

Beyond his private practice, Adam is a resiliency expert who co-created an international program for Facebook’s Online Safety employees for several years. He now serves as the resiliency consultant to DigitalOcean and has frequent requests from the media for interviews. He has provided keynotes and trainings to multiple corporations and organizations, including Microsoft, Linkedin, and the California Psychological Association.

He is happily married, the father of young boys, and he has a hypoallergenic 33-pound Australian Labradoodle therapy dog named Raffi, who lives at his home and works at his office.

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

!! Catch up on all Dear Nina episodes on Apple and Spotify

📢 How to promote your service, business, or book on Dear Nina

🎈 Celebrate your friend on the show by dedicating a week of episodes!

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️  Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, & the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪  Ask an anonymous friendship question

📪 email: dearninapodcast@gmail.com

🔎 Want to work with me on your podcast, your friendships, or need another link? That’s probably here.

I’m joined by Hope Lutz Firsel, a women’s life coach who specializes in divorce. Hope has seen every version of this experience up close. She’s guided countless women through the emotional, logistical, and social upheaval of ending a marriage, and she’s been through it herself. Hope understands how divorce doesn’t just end a partnership—it shakes up an entire social world.

In our conversation, we talk about the surprising grief that comes with losing not just a spouse but the life you imagined, the routines you relied on, and the community that once felt automatic. Hope explains why some friendships tighten instantly while others slip away, and how to tell the difference between a situational friendship and the kind that’s meant to evolve with you. We also get honest about why friends sometimes pull back and how to communicate what you actually need.

If you’re navigating a divorce, if someone you love is, or if you simply want to be a steadier friend during someone else’s big life change, this episode offers clarity, compassion, and a grounded understanding of what this shift really feels like.

MEET HOPE:

Hope Lutz Firsel is a women’s life coach and divorce specialist who draws on her expertise in organizational change to help women navigate the emotional, financial, and logistical complexities of divorce—and rebuild their lives afterward with resilience, confidence, and grace.

Having faced infertility, cancer, and divorce after an 18-year marriage, Hope brings deep empathy, clarity, and powerful mindset tools such as Rapid Resolution Therapy to help women rediscover their authentic selves and create fulfilling lives beyond divorce.

Through her one-on-one coaching, group programs, workshops, and collaborations with family law professionals, Hope fosters safe, supportive spaces where women can heal, grow, and regain a sense of purpose. She frequently partners with divorce attorneys to educate and empower clients through webinars and community events.

Based in Boca Raton, Florida, Hope works with clients nationwide and has helped countless women transform adversity into strength and self-assurance. Find Hope on Instagram, LinkedIn, and Facebook.

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

!! Catch up on all Dear Nina episodes on Apple and Spotify

📢 How to promote your service, business, or book on Dear Nina

🎈 Celebrate your friend on the show by dedicating a week of episodes!

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️  Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, & the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪  Ask an anonymous friendship question

📪 email: dearninapodcast@gmail.com

🔎 Want to work with me on your podcast, your friendships, or need another link? That’s probably here.

Yes, it can be typed and even sent via email. But this NOT a text saying, “I hope you’re well" or "I miss you."

Write an honest, thoughtful note saying:

• Here’s why you matter to me. . . Or
• I keep thinking about the time you . . . 
• My year was better because you . . . 
• I’m grateful for the way you. . . 
• This memory still sticks with me because . . . 

It can be one paragraph, but it should be from the heart. 

If you’ve been following the challenges, this is the perfect finale. If you’re new, it’s a surprisingly easy way to deepen one friendship right now. This challenge doesn’t require making plans, arranging childcare, or leaving the house. This is all about a few sincere sentences that could make someone’s entire year.

I also did a super-speed recap of all eleven previous challenges. So if you missed a few, you’ll catch up in minutes. And you’ll hear why I'm retiring the challenges for next year. (Not the podcast, just the challenges.)

Make sure to visit me and fellow Dear Nina listeners in the Facebook Group or on my Substack newsletter to let us know you completed the task.

Mentioned in this episode:

• Find all previous Dear Nina Friendship Challenges here.
• The Correspondent by Virginia Evans
• Find me at the Dear Nina Facebook group to report on what you did this month to bring some joy to a friend!

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

📢 How to promote your service, business, or book on Dear Nina

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, & the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

🔎 Want to work with me on your podcast, your friendships, or need another link? That’s probably here.

Dr. Rein also shares simple, practical ways to make others feel seen and ideas for being more intentional about your social life. This all for the sake of your mental and physical health. Don't miss this one!

HIGHLIGHTS:

• Why all human brains—including introvert brains—need some social interaction, and how to figure out your “right dose.”
• How digital communication dulls empathy and makes ghosting and quiet quitting easier.
• Why being ignored or canceled on hits so hard at the neurological level.
• The real reason jealousy shows up between friends and how to override it.
• What’s happening in the brain when you instantly “click” with someone.
• How small, consistent social habits protect long-term physical and mental health.
• Simple behaviors that make you more likable and help others feel seen.
• Why repairing strained friendships is good for your well-being, not just your social life.

LINKS:

• Why Brains Need Friends: The Neuroscience of Social Connection by Dr. Ben Rein
• I found one extroversion/introversion scale from Psychology Today. Ben’s introvert–extrovert self-assessment can be found as a pdf of the audiobook wherever you get your audiobooks or inside the book. You can also enter your email address here on his site and receive a copy.
• Find Ben on Instagram and TikTok @dr.benrein and at many other places, all linked on his website, benrein.com.

MEET DR. BEN REIN:

Ben Rein, PhD is an award-winning neuroscientist, author, and science communicator. He serves as the Chief Science Officer of the Mind Science Foundation, an Adjunct Lecturer at Stanford University, and a Clinical Assistant Professor at SUNY Buffalo. He has published over 20 peer-reviewed papers on the neuroscience of social behavior, and is the author of Why Brains Need Friends: The Neuroscience of Social Connection. Rein also shares educational neuroscience videos on social media to an audience of more than 1 million followers, and has been featured on Entertainment Tonight, Good Morning America and 75+ podcasts including StarTalk with Neil DeGrasse Tyson. His science communication efforts have been recognized with awards from the National Academies of Science, the Society for Neuroscience, and elsewhere.

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

!! Catch up on all Dear Nina episodes on Apple and Spotify

📢 How to promote your service, business, or book on Dear Nina

🎈 Celebrate your friend on the show by dedicating a week of episodes!

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️  Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, & the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪  Ask an anonymous friendship question

📪 email: dearninapodcast@gmail.com

🔎 Want to work with me on your podcast, your friendships, or need another link? That’s probably here.

This week I’m joined by two women who accidentally went viral on social media, but they've been doing the real work of close friendship for over four decades. I'm a BIG fan and begged them to let me examine their friendship on the show. Meet Jenn Sherman (who you might know from Peloton) and Pam “Sunny” Sunshine who are the best friends behind the popular @sunnyandjenn accounts on TikTok and Instagram.

Jenn and Pam's story is fun (truly wild TikTok origin included), but the real gold is how they’ve stayed close through many stages of life—college, moves, careers, parenting, vacations, losses, and now a shared business.

If you’ve ever wondered why some friendships last and others quietly fade, this episode is packed with answers you can use with old friends and new friends alike.

HIGHLIGHTS FROM OUR CONVERSATION:

• Why “luck” isn’t enough for close friendship — The role of effort, showing up, and consistency.
• Proximity matters — How living close (or “close enough”) keeps friendships alive. When making NEW friends, keep this in mind! 
• Scheduling is everything — Coffee dates, beach days, girls’ trips: it's all about the calendar.
• The 200-hour rule — How friendships actually deepen over accumulated time.
• Cheering, not competing — Celebrating your friends' wins without jealousy.
• Handling conflict early — Sunny’s “lumpy rug” rule and why resentment ruins trust. Plus some other great "Sunnyisms."
• New friends later in life — Why it’s never too late for a deep connection.
• The viral TikTok moment — How a random street interview changed everything and a business was born.

LINKS MENTIONED:

• Follow @sunnyandjenn on TikTok and Instagram 
• Jenn on Peloton (if you’re a rider, you already know)
• Lindsay Pinchuk's Dear FoundHer community 
• Sunny & Jenn's live show! Tickets for the December show in Aventura, Florida are here. 
• The Beaches episode of Dear Nina where two psychology professors join me and producer, Rebekah Jacobs, to analyze CC Bloom and Hillary Whitney's friendship.

MEET JENN SHERMAN AND PAM SUNSHINE:

Sunny and Jenn are lifelong best friends turned content creators, sharing their journey with audiences on Instagram and TikTok. Friends for more than 40 years, they bring humor, honesty, and heart to everything they do — from wellness and midlife shifts to the everyday moments of friendship. Their platforms celebrate living authentically, laughing often, and reminding people that the best parts of life are meant to be shared.

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

!! Catch up on all Dear Nina episodes on Apple and Spotify

📢 How to promote your service, business, or book on Dear Nina

🎈 Celebrate your friend on the show by dedicating a week of episodes!

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️  Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, & the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪  Ask an anonymous friendship question

📪 email: dearninapodcast@gmail.com

🔎 Want to work with me on your podcast, your friendships, or need another link? That’s probably here.

My assistant producer, Rebekah Jacobs, and I were thrilled to dissect Beaches and its timeless lessons on friendship with psychology professors Paul Eastwick of UC Davis and Eli Finkel of Northwestern University. Paul and Eli are also the dream team behind the Love Factually podcast, where they explain what our favorite romantic films get right--and wrong--about the science of romance. For this episode of Dear Nina, they turned that laser focus to friendship instead. 

We examined CC & Hillary's iconic bond through research on conflict, jealousy, apologies, complementary roles, the “soulmate” mindset, and more. We laughed a lot too! 

Yes, we quote the department store fight. Yes, we talk about "Wind Beneath My Wings" and other unforgettable songs from the film. Yes, Rebekah wore a Bette + Barbara t-shirt. It’s peak friendship content with genuine lessons for your adult friendships. Don't miss this one! 

HIGHLIGHTS:

• What Beaches gets right about how close friends actually operate.
• Why the first apology flopped, what finally worked, and how to apologize like a grown-up.
• The “best friend” myth, challenged: You don’t need a single ride-or-die to have a rich friendship life.
• Do opposites attract? That's not backed by relationship science, but roles do emerge in most relationships.
• Why “I’ll hire a nurse” isn’t the same as “I’ll take care of you,” and how responsiveness deepens bonds.
• Anger is often a mask for hurt; naming the deeper feeling opens the door to repair.
• Forgiveness lands when both people agree a “debt” exists. 
• Your romantic partner as your "best friend" might not be the best idea. 
• How your beliefs about soulmates influences they way you're willing to work things out (or not).
• "Transformation of motivation" was a new term to Rebekah and to me, and we loved it. You'll have to listen to learn more!

LINKS MENTIONED:

• The Love Factually podcast, hosted by Paul and Eli
• The White Lotus/Dear Nina episode where Nina and Rebekah discuss the friendship trio
• Listen to the Beaches soundtrack on Spotify

MEET THE PROFESSORS:

Eli Finkel is a Professor of Psychology and Management at Northwestern University. He is the author of The All-Or-Nothing Marriage: How the Best Marriages Work, the founding co-director of the Litowitz Center for Enlightened Disagreement, and the co-host of the Love Factually podcast.

Paul Eastwick is a Professor of Psychology at UC Davis and author of the forthcoming book Bonded by Evolution. His research and writing has been featured in outlets like The New York Times, The Atlantic, NPR, and Scientific American Mind, and he is a co-host of Love Factually

MEET REBEKAH JACOBS:

Rebekah Jacobs is the assistant producer of Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship and a writing professor who lives in Bethesda, Maryland, with her husband and three kids. 

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

!! Catch up on all Dear Nina episodes on Apple and Spotify

📢 How to promote your service, business, or book on Dear Nina

🎈 Celebrate your friend on the show by dedicating a week of episodes!

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️  Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, & the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪  Ask an anonymous friendship question

📪 email: dearninapodcast@gmail.com

🔎 Want to work with me on your podcast, your friendships, or need another link? That’s probably here.

A small gesture can leave a big impact. In this short episode, I share a few stories of simple, meaningful gestures from friends that have stayed with me for years. Some of those gestures were in the form of an expected gift (like a novel or cookbook) and others were simply an offer to be there on an emotional day, sending a “this made me think of you” text, or sharing a photo or meme that made me smile. All the examples inspired me to do the same over the years.

Doing something unexpected for a friend is the easiest challenge yet. Well, maybe writing your friends' birthdays in your calendar for April was even easier, but this one is up there.

Whether you’re gifting a cookbook, sharing a poem, or sending a funny meme, this challenge is about reminding your friends that you’re thinking of them, not because you have to, but because you want to.

AND, make sure to visit me and fellow Dear Nina listeners in the Facebook Group or on my Substack newsletter to let us know what you did or plan to do. Let's share ideas!

As always, if this episode made you smile or inspired you, share it with a friend, leave a review, or post it to your story. That small act of generosity fits the challenge perfectly. :)

MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE:

• Find all previous Dear Nina Friendship Challenges here. 
• Episode 170: "The Friend Who Really Sees You." This was my conversation with poet Hannah Rosenberg about friendship and her book Same
• Cookbooks mentioned: Robyn sent Peas, Love, & Carrots. Julie sent Vegan At Times.
• Find me at the Dear Nina Facebook group to report on what you did this month to bring some joy to a friend!

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

📢 How to promote your service, business, or book on Dear Nina

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, & the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

🔎 Want to work with me on your podcast, your friendships, or need another link? That’s probably here.

Hannah is the author of the poetry collection, Same, from St. Martin's Press, and her work about friendship, motherhood, and everyday life has made thousands of people online say or write “same” in the comments or when they share her work.

Together Hannah and I dive into what it actually means to feel seen, and how to make your friends feel seen. Hannah reads some of her most-shared friendship poems. There are tears (the good kind). And it’s a warm, genuine conversation about connection, vulnerability, and the friendships that quietly save us.

Topics we cover:

• The meaning behind “Same” and how it became a viral poetry movement
• Why adult friendship deserves real rituals and recognition
• How to bridge distance and stay close when life changes
• The difference between being comforting and being dismissive
• Friendship poems that say what we all feel but can’t quite express

Poems & passages mentioned

• “When I Needed My Friends” 
• “Group Text”
• “Home (for Katie)”  
• “Marriage of Friends” 

MEET HANNAH ROSENBERG:

Hannah Rosenberg is a poet whose work has been shared widely online, and she has been featured in publications serving women and parents like Darling and In Kind. She lives in the greater Philadelphia area with her husband and daughter, who often find themselves as the subjects of her poems. You can find her work on Instagram @hannahrowrites. Learn more at hannahrowrites.com

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

📢 How to promote your service, business, or book on Dear Nina

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, & the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

🔎 Want to work with me on your podcast, your friendships, or need another link? That’s probably here.

Linda-Marie Barrett, author of Creating a Salon: The Magic of Conversations that Matter, shows us exactly how to plan a modern salon: who to invite (and who not to), how to set a clear purpose, what to do about dominant talkers, and why ending well matters as much as beginning well.

If this episode nudges you to start a salon, tell me how it goes. What did you try? What surprised you? What will you tweak next time? All the ways to find me are in the link below.

What we cover

• What a salon is (and isn’t): an intentional, guided conversation on a theme
• Why salons help friendship: they deepen bonds and create new ones by giving everyone structured airtime.
• Hosting with with authority and kindness: Linda-Marie and I talk timers, bells, and how to intervene when someone is taking over to make sure everyone in the group has a chance to participate.
• Designing the experience: purpose, people, place, ground rules, accessibility, potluck flow, parking and a thoughtful way close the evening.
• Trouble spots: late arrivals, phones on the table, oversharing, and the art of the one-on-one follow-up.
• A complete sample format of a salon you can lift for your first salon.

MEET LINDA-MARIE BARRETT:

Linda-Marie Barrett is a writer, editor, and executive director of the Southern Independent Booksellers Alliance (SIBA). Before that, she was at Malaprop’s Bookstore/Cafe, where she wore many hats, including events manager and founder and host of a book club that continues today, Women In Lively Discussion or WILD. She has been hosting her Black Swan Salon since 2017 and has no plans to ever stop. She lives with her husband, writer and blogger Jon Mayes, in Asheville, North Carolina. Find her on Facebook and Instagram. 

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

📢 How to promote your service, business, or book on Dear Nina

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, & the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

🔎 Want to work with me on your podcast, your friendships, or need another link? That’s probably here.

In a world of quick texts, busy schedules, and constant scrolling, it’s easy to keep friendships at the surface level. But the friendships that truly sustain us are the ones with depth. Related to the October friendship challenge for Dear Nina listeners, Jonah is an excellent guide for asking questions that bring conversations to another level.

WE COVER:

• How to reframe small talk (try “What surprised you most about your trip?” instead of “How was it?”)
• Creating connection through conversation: don’t wait for invitations—initiate
• Reading the room so vulnerability feels safe, not forced
• Why men need deeper conversations, too
• How honest conflict can make a friendship stronger
• The power of mixed-age friendships to keep you growing
• What friendship and journalism have in common

MEET JONAH KAPLAN:

Jonah Kaplan is an award-winning journalist (and the son of two rabbis!) who has built a strong reputation for his balanced reporting, thoughtful interviews, and deeply researched coverage of high-impact issues affecting the community. His work appears on all of WCCO's newscasts and is often featured on CBS News' programs and platforms, including the CBS Evening News, CBS Mornings and CBS 24/7. (See Jonah's full bio at cbsnews.com/team/jonah-kaplan/). Find him on Facebook or on 'X' at @JonahPKaplan.

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

📢 How to promote your service, business, or book on Dear Nina

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, & the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

🔎 Want to work with me on your podcast, your friendships, or need another link? That’s probably here.

This month’s Friendship Challenge is simple but powerful: ask your friends more questions. (Way more than you think you should.) Trust me, people notice when you're not asking questions.

One of my most viral TikToks from last fall was when I talked about "the friend who never asks about you." It has over 90K views and over 400 comments. People had NEGATIVE feelings and lots to say about friends who don't ask questions. 

To help us all do better with asking questions, I discussed one chapter from a book I loved earlier this year called Talk: The Science of Conversation and the Art of Being Ourselves by Harvard Business School professor Alison Wood Brooks.

This month's challenge is about getting curious about your friends, deeply curious. Most of us think we ask plenty of questions, but research shows we don’t.

To help you get started: 

• Ask more questions than feels natural.
• Stick with follow-ups instead of jumping from topic to topic.
• Use what questions at first more than why to avoid being intrusive, but you can move to why eventually.
• Listen. Listening is how you know what follow-up questions to ask next.

When you’re interested, you become interesting.

And hey, as June’s challenge reminded us, it’s okay to ask for a favor. So here’s mine: Please share an episode with a friend (just maybe not THIS one if you’re trying to send a message as that's too passive-aggressive 😉).

Find all the 2025 Friendship Challenges at DearNina.Substack.com.

LINKS AND RESOURCES:

• 2025 Dear Nina Friendship Challenge overview
• Great book on the art of conversation! Talk: The Science of Conversation and the Art of Being Ourselves by Alison Wood Brooks



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📢 How to promote your service, business, or book on Dear Nina

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, & the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

🔎 Want to work with me on your podcast, your friendships, or need another link? That’s probably here.

In this episode of Dear Nina, I spoke to author and journalist Marjorie Ingall, co-author with Susan McCarthy of Sorry, Sorry, Sorry: The Case for Good Apologies (released in paperback as Getting to Sorry: The Art of Apology at Work and at Home) and co-creator of SorryWatch.com.

Marjorie walks us through the six essential steps of a good apology and the “half step” people often forget. We discussed why bad apologies are worse than none at all, and how the timing of an apology can make or break it. Whether you’re struggling to say sorry, waiting for an apology that may never come, or wondering how to truly forgive, this conversation offers practical tools you can bring into your friendships right away.

We also explore:

• The difference between guilt and shame, and how each affects friendships.
• Why accepting an apology can be just as challenging—and important—as giving one.
• When it’s okay (and even healthy) to ask for an apology you feel you’re owed.
• Why rushing to apologize can actually backfire.
• The power of letters—both to give an apology and to solicit one.
• How forgiveness (when possible) benefits not just the friendship, but your own health and peace of mind.
• We also touch on the Jewish High Holidays as a time of reflection and repair, how apologies evolve as we age, and what Marjorie's favorite children’s book, A Bargain for Frances, can teach all of us about navigating imperfect friendships.

LINKS AND RESOURCES: 

• The ten days between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur
• Ep. #34 of Dear Nina: Reconnecting with an Ex-Friend
• The six steps of a good apology on sorrywatch.com
• "Waiting for an Apology That Will Never Come" (Nina's 2014 article on Kveller)
• A Bargain for Frances by Russell Hoban

MEET MARJORIE INGALL

Marjorie Ingall is the co-author, with Susan McCarthy, of Sorry, Sorry, Sorry: The Case for Good Apologies (released in paperback as Getting To Sorry) and co-creator of the apology watchdog site SorryWatch.com. She’s also the author of Mamaleh Knows Best: What Jewish Mothers Do to Raise Successful, Creative, Empathetic, Independent Children. She often writes about children’s books for the New York Times Book Review and has written for many other magazines and newspapers, including Tablet and The Forward — she was a columnist for both — as well as Town & Country, Glamour, Self, Ms., Elle, New York, Time, and Newsweek. Back in the day, she was the senior writer and books editor at the late, lamented Sassy Magazine. Find Marjorie on Facebook and Bluesky.

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📢 How to promote your service, business, or book on Dear Nina

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, & the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

🔎 Want to work with me on your podcast, your friendships, or need another link? That’s probably here.

This week on Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship, I talk with bestselling author Dani Alpert, who has always known she didn’t want children. While her five best friends all married and had kids, Dani carved out a different life. The result? Decades of navigating friendships where communication was extra necessary to keep resentment and misunderstanding at bay. Dani says it took a lot work, but she did not want to lose these important relationships and every hard discussion with close friends was worth the effort.

Dani has advice for listeners that goes beyond whether you have kids or not. Many areas of life and the decisions we make can set us apart from the path our friends chose. No matter the "topic," communication and honesty is key. There's no other way to hold onto the friendships that matter to you. Whatever the difference is between you and your friends, Dani’s wisdom applies: speak up, be honest, and trust that the right friends will stick.

Listen to my conversation with Dani for a funny, candid, and deeply relatable episode about friendship across different life paths.

HIGHLIGHTS:

• The resentment that can build when your life path looks different from your friends’ choices
• Why it’s so important to actually say the uncomfortable things out loud to friends
• How true friends will hear you, even if your words come out messy
• The loneliness that can creep in when “everybody” seems to be living a life you didn’t choose. For Dani the example is being child-free by choice, but this can apply to so many paths.
• Why naming your needs sooner (but also knowing it’s never too late) can save a friendship
• We also squeezed in a quick few minutes and doing art (writing, etc.) because you're passionate about it, not because you're expecting a certain outcome in sales or attention.

MEET DANI ALPERT:

Dani Alpert is the best-selling author of Hello? Who Is This? Margaret?—a new collection of humorous essays—and the memoir, The Girlfriend Mom, winner of the 2020 Story Circle Network Gilda Award for comedy, honoring Gilda Radner. Her work appears in numerous outlets. Dani spent decades working in theater, television, and film, performing, writing, and directing. She’s a Pilates instructress and advocate for the Down syndrome community. Dani’s first headshot was her mugshot taken after being arrested for tagging when she was a juvenile. She’s been trying to reclaim those glory days ever since.

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📢 How to promote your service, business, or book on Dear Nina

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, & the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

🔎 Want to work with me on your podcast, your friendships, or need another link? That’s probably here.

Alex and I discussed:

• Practical ways to meet other moms
• Why community is one of the most protective things for perinatal and postpartum mental health
• Staying part of a community matters, even if your close friends do not come from these groups and activities. Acquaintances can become friends, connectors, or lifelines later (school, camps, emergencies).
• Using small, low-cost asks when you spot a potential new mom friend: “I’m going to the park tomorrow, want to join?” Short time windows might feel more doable.
• How to spot a new-mom-friend judgement issue early and stop the comparison cycle
• Accepting different parenting and new-parent socializing styles (turning outward for a bigger network vs turning inward to a small circle)
• The importance of keeping connections with friends who do not have kids
• Remembering social media can amplify shame and false “shoulds”
• AND NOTE: If you’re struggling, community helps but professional support is so important. If you’re worried about postpartum depression or anxiety, seek help.

This isn’t a “you must do X” to make new mom friends conversation. This is all about advice and empathy for a potentially lonely season of life.

LINKS & RESOURCES:

• Roses & Radicchio--Alex's Instagram account and newsletter
• A few other parenting episodes on DEAR NINA (mostly aimed at parents with teens): #2. When Your Friend’s Kid is Being Mean to Your Kid; #59. Difficult Teen Friendships & Parent Involvement; #86. Every Friendship Starts With an Act of Bravery; #91. Helping Kids Manage Conflict With Friends; #59. Teaching Kindness Without Forcing Friendships
• Modern Friendship by Anna Goldfarb is a book Alex and I both loved. Anna was also featured on several episodes of Dear Nina, most recently #126.
• "The Search for the Perfect Stroller is Really a Search for Control" (I first had this published in Brain, Child Magazine in 2015 and later re-published in Scary Mommy in 2021.)
• The Peanut app

MEET ALEX REED:

Alex is a gathering enthusiast, photographer, tech professional, and toddler mom who brings creativity and connection into everyday life. Outside her day job at a Fortune 50, she runs Roses & Radicchio, a lifestyle Instagram and Substack where she shares approachable tips for elevated entertaining, vintage treasure hunts, food and flower creations, and current reads. Passionate about conversations around adult female friendships, Alex uses her platform to celebrate the connections that make life meaningful. She lives in Northern Virginia, just outside Washington, D.C., with her husband, energetic toddler, and their allergy-prone French bulldog.

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

📢 How to promote your service, business, or book on Dear Nina

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, & the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

🔎 Want to work with me on your podcast, your friendships, or need another link? That’s probably here.

Melissa shares her story of working in the sex industry to beginning a career as a writer and an art teacher in New York City and eventually becoming the subject of public scrutiny in many media headlines. She explains how carrying a “concealable, stigmatized identity” weighed on her and how she learned to navigate the delicate process of sharing her story with potential new friends.

Our conversation touches on the importance of moving beyond shame, why sharing our stories can foster closeness, and how to be a supportive listener when someone else opens up.

HIGHLIGHTS:

• Why unacknowledged shame can create distance in friendships
• Deciding when and how to share personal secrets
• How to respond supportively when friends confide in you
• Moving past labels and seeing friends as multi-dimensional
• Practical ways to foster deeper, more authentic connections

LINKS & RESOURCES:

• Episode 95: “Over Talking, Under Talking and Lessons for Friendship and the Art of Storytelling” (with Micaela Blei)
• Episode 4: “Revealing Too Much Too Soon” (with Christie Tate)

MEET MELISSA PETRO:

Melissa Petro a cultural journalist, book coach, harm reduction activist and author of SHAME ON YOU: How to Be a Woman in the Age of Mortification, published last fall by Putnam Books, a division of Penguin Random House. 

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

📢 How to promote your service, business, or book on Dear Nina

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, & the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

🔎 Want to work with me on your podcast, your friendships, or need another link? That’s probably here.

Find a "how to" for September's challenge at dearnina.substack.com.

LINKS & RESOURCES:

• 2025 Dear Nina Friendship Challenge overview
• My guest spot on Leslie's podcast, Why Didn't They Tell Us? ("Friendship and Fitting In")
• Dear Nina episode #115: "The Freshmen Energy Trick For Making New Friends As An Adult"

MEET LESLIE RANDOLPH:

Leslie Randolph is a certified life coach committed to helping tweens and teens cultivate self-confidence. Leslie’s approach is rooted in the belief that self-confidence is not a genetic lottery ticket, but a choice you make and a skill you can develop. Her coaching teaches teens how to set meaningful goals, mindfully manage emotions, develop a growth mindset, and talk to and treat themselves with compassion along the way. Leslie’s proven strategies and supportive approach empowers adolescents to ditch doubt and overcome anxiety so they can unlock their true potential.

When not coaching, Leslie is a motivational and TEDx speaker, a workshop facilitator, and the host of Why Didn’t They Tell Us?, an inspirational podcast where she shares the lessons she learned late in life so others can know better . . . sooner.

Learn more at confidencecoachforgirls.com or follow along at The Coach Chronicles on Instagram and Facebook.

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

📢 How to promote your service, business, or book on Dear Nina

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, & the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

🔎 Want to work with me on your podcast, your friendships, or need another link? That’s probably here.

Jackie opens up about the rollercoaster of releasing five books—sometimes surrounded by cheering friends and other times left disappointed. We talk about planning events, the strange universe of social media “likes,” asking for reviews, and why acquaintances and strangers sometimes show up more than our closest friends and family.

If you’ve ever felt stung when friends (and family) didn’t show up for your “big thing,” or if you’ve struggled with how much to ask of the people you love, this episode will leave you feeling seen, understood, and maybe a little lighter.

WE DISCUSS:

• The gap between the support we hope for from close friends and the support we actually get.
• Why acquaintances and even strangers often step up more than close friends.
• How much “obligation” belongs in friendship when someone is launching a creative or entrepreneurial project.
• The delicate balance between asking for support and fearing you’re being pushy.
• Social media support: why it feels so personal when friends scroll past our posts.
• Practical ways to be direct without being demanding—what you can reasonably ask of friends, and what might be unfair.

LINKS MENTIONED:

• Jackie's newest novel is Counting Backwards
• Find Jackie on Facebook, Instagram, and on her Website
• Dear Nina: The Group on Facebook

MEET JACKIE FRIEDLAND:

Jacqueline Friedland is the USA Today and Amazon bestselling author of both historical and contemporary women’s fiction. A graduate of the University of Pennsylvania and NYU Law School, she practiced as a commercial litigator for as long as she could stand it. She then returned to school to earn her Masters of Fine Arts in creative writing from Sarah Lawrence College and has been writing ever since.

Jackie’s books have been awarded the 2020 and 2021 gold medals in fiction from Readers’ Favorite. Her novels have also been named the 2021 Kirkus Reviews Best Indie Book of the Year, the SheReads Best Book Club Pick of 2021, and the Women’s Fiction Writers Association Star finalist for 2022. She regularly reviews fiction for trade publications and appears at schools and other locations as a guest lecturer. Her fifth novel, Counting Backwards, was released by Harper Muse in March 2025.

Jackie lives in Westchester, New York with her husband, four children, and two dogs. You can find her on Instagram @jackiefriedland, on Facebook @JacquelineFriedlandAuthor or through her website www.jacquelinefriedland.com.

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

📢 How to promote your service, business, or book on Dear Nina

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, & the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

🔎 Want to work with me on your podcast, your friendships, or need another link? That’s probably here.

Friend groups are complicated. They can be the source of safety, belonging, and joy. But they can also be a source of exclusion, hurt, and longing. With my assistant producer and friend, Rebekah Jacobs, we dug into the messy, funny, and universal realities of friend groups from middle school cafeterias to mahj tables and even to the dining hall at the assisted living center.

Why do groups feel so good AND so painful? Do you really need one to belong? And how do you help your kids (or yourself) when a group just isn’t working? This episode has laughter, applause, and some tough-but-true advice: go where the love is.

LINKS MENTIONED:

• Dear Nina Newsletter (dearnina.substack.com)
• Facebook: Dear Nina: The Group
• Dr. Lisa Damour on Dear Nina, episode #65
• Gretchen Rubin on Dear Nina, episode #96
• My episode on Leslie Randolph's podcast, "Why Didn't They Tell Us?" episode #63: "Friendships and Fitting In"
• "Is There a Gentle Way to Drop a Friend" episode 156 of the Ask Lisa Podcast
• The final poem I read was from author Amy Weatherly of "Sister, I am With You." It can be found on their Facebook page, here. You can also hear Amy and Jess on Dear Nina, episode #86.

SPECIAL THANK YOU to our North Shore live show sponsors & partners!

🍹 @drinktwistedalchemy – cold-pressed juices at the bar

🥂 @inspirotequila – crafted the signature cocktails

🍰 @glickmanlevyresidential – sponsored the gorgeous dessert bar

👗 @enazboutique – donated 15% of sales to the National Pediatric Cancer Foundation

And thank you to these generous companies for contributing to the swag bags and/or the raffle!

@workflowsbyronna, @dr.julia.milman, @glickmanlevyresidential, @kiddlessports, @lainetoo, @maijamartinphotography, @ohhappydayconfections, @pvolvedeerfield, @get_rootz, @rosshighlandpark, @talacoffeeroasters, @enazboutique

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📢 How to promote your service, business, or book on Dear Nina

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, & the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

🔎 Want to work with me on your podcast, your friendships, or need another link? That’s probably here.

This week, I revisit one of my earliest and most-loved conversations with award-winning author Jessica Speer, whose books help kids and tweens navigate the tricky terrain of friendships, including BFF or NRF (Not Really Friends)? and Middle School--Safety Goggles Advised.

This isn’t just a tween and teen conversation. It's about us as parents. Many of us have been on both sides: watching our kids be left out and watching them leave someone else out. And just like in adult friendships, chemistry matters.

Jessica shares practical language for kids to politely say “no,” stories from her own parenting experience (including a birthday party that went sideways from over-inclusion), and the importance of helping kids identify and grow healthy friendships.

If you’ve ever wondered how to raise a kind kid who also has strong boundaries without becoming the parent who micromanages every friendship, this episode is for you.

WE TACKLE:

• Teaching kids to treat others with dignity and warmth without sending the message they must be friends with everyone.
• Understanding “shared spaces” (the lunchroom or a sports team) versus private time (a sleepover or weekend hangout).
• The “romantic relationship” analogy: why we’d never force our kids to date someone they weren’t interested in, but often push friendships in that exact way.
• How to help kids gracefully decline plans without ghosting or hurting feelings unnecessarily.
• Recognizing when our own parental fears--especially about what other parents might think--are driving our actions.
• Why being overly included can backfire, and how too much forced inclusion can prevent kids from finding genuine, mutual friendships.

LINKS & RESOURCES:

• Ep #73: "I'm Just Not Into This Friendship" with guest Ruchi Koval.
• Ask an anonymous question
• "What if My Kid is the Mean One" the August anonymous question on dearnina.substack.com.

MEET JESSICA SPEER:

Jessica Speer is the award-winning author of books for kids and teens, including The Phone Book – Stay Safe, Be Smart, and Make the World Better with the Powerful Device in Your Hand, BFF or NRF (Not Really Friends)? A Girls Guide to Happy Friendships and Middle School – Safety Goggles Advised.

Blending social science, stories, and activities, her writing guides readers through tricky stuff that surfaces during childhood and adolescence. She holds a Master’s Degree in Social Sciences and has a knack for writing about complex topics in a way that connects with kids and teens. Jessica regularly contributes to media outlets on content related to kids, parenting, friendship, screens, and social-emotional learning. For more information, visit JessicaSpeer.com and Instagram @jessica_speer_author.

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

📢 How to promote your service, business, or book on Dear Nina

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, & the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

🔎 Want to work with me on your podcast, your friendships, or need another link? That’s probably here.

I’ve seen the benefits of intergenerational friendships in my own life. Sometimes I’m the younger friend, sometimes the older one, and both roles come with their own gifts. Liz and I talk about what it’s like to build and nurture these relationships.

HIGHLIGHTS:

• Why mixed-age friendships can be a game changer
• How Liz’s own intergenerational friendship with author Susan Roane (of How to Work a Room fame) and poet, Melissa Elder, influenced her work and her life
• The push-and-pull of being the older or younger friend in a dynamic, and what each side uniquely brings to the table
• How to meet someone not in your age bracket (hint: try something new, say yes more often, and follow the chemistry)
• 💡My biggest takeaway from this episode? You’re not going to meet a mixed-age friend by doing the same old things. You have to get out of your comfort zone, try something new, and follow the chemistry—then be brave enough to make a move.

LINKS & RESOURCES:

• The May Friendship Challenge: The Power of Changing the Venue
• 2025 Dear Nina Friendship Challenge overview

MEET LIZ ALTERMAN:

Liz Alterman is the author of the award-winning memoir Sad Sacked and multiple thrillers. Her romcom Claire Casey's Had Enough includes an intergenerational friendship in which a forty-six-year-old and a seventy-eight-year-old inspire one another to remember the women they once were and the dreams they still hope to fulfill. Liz's essays and reported pieces have appeared in The New York Times, The Washington Post, Business Insider and more. She notes that while writing hasn't brought her fame or fortune, it's filled her life with enriching friendships that span generations. For more, visit her website and follow Liz on Instagram at @lizalterman.

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We talk about:

• How Amy’s real-life community inspired the fictional community and circle of friends in her debut novel The Cast
• The ripple effect of early illness on friendships, families, and even future partners, careers, and children
• How illness can reshape your view of who matters and why
• Amy's second novel, Such Good People, which explores childhood friendship and loyalty against the backdrop of the criminal justice system
• The complexities of loyalty when friends and family need you at the same time

This conversation ties closely to my upcoming Dear Nina live event in Highland Park, Illinois, which will raise money for the National Pediatric Cancer Foundation. In the introduction of the episode I mention losing my nephew Joshua McFadden to DIPG, a form of brain cancer, in 2017. A portion of ticket sales and 15% of all sales at ENAZ stores on 7/31/25 (not just in Highland Park!) will go to this important cause.

LINKS & RESOURCES:

• Joshua's story on NPCF's site
• My episode with brother-in-law (and my first podcast producer!), Dave Dluger
• Amy's books: The Cast and Such Good People

MEET AMY BLUMENFELD:

Amy Blumenfeld is an award-winning author and journalist. She is a graduate of Barnard College of Columbia University and received a master’s degree from the Columbia University School of Journalism. Her articles and essays have appeared in various publications including the New York Times, The Huffington Post, O, The Oprah Magazine, as well on the cover of People. Amy’s debut novel, The Cast, was selected as a New York Post Best Book of the Week. She has contributed to three non-fiction books, including a USA TODAY bestselling anthology. Amy lives in New York with her husband and daughter. Such Good People is her second novel. Find Amy on Instagram @AmyBlumenfeldAuthor.

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In this solo episode, I’m marking four years of Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship with the four major lessons I’ve learned about friendship from hosting the show—and four lessons I’ve learned about podcasting along the way.

And a special to thank you to my many fantastic guests!

🎁 Anniversary Favor 🎁

If Dear Nina has helped you in any way—big or small—please share your favorite episode with a friend or on social media. It’s the best way to keep the conversations going, and it means the world to me.

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📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

🔎 Want to work with me on your podcast, your friendships, or need another link? That’s probably here.

WHAT WE COVER:

• Admitting you want friends: Why naming the need out loud is the best thing to do.
• DMs & daily errands: The social media message and the post-office line that sparked Lisa’s first new friendships.
• The “one-plan” weekend rule: A realistic guardrail against both isolation and social burnout.
• Why nearby beats “perfect”: How living a few miles apart can matter more than instant chemistry.
• Mixed age friendships: The benefits of friendships with people in similar life stages but different ages.
• When you don't click: Not taking things too personally is essential to moving forward and finding new potential friends.
• Solo time as a skill: Creating intentional solo time so your happiness isn’t dependent on anyone else's schedule.
• It's never too late to make new friends: I shared a story about my mom's recent 80th birthday party.

LINKS & RESOURCES:

• My episode on Lisa's podcast, Surthriving
• Episode #130 with Hallie Sawyer on "Sober Curiosity"
• Episode #115 on "Freshmen Energy" and making new friends as an adult
• Lisa on Instagram and TikTok

MEET LISA GIORDANO:

After living in the northeast for all of her life, Lisa took a leap of faith at the age of 31 and moved cross country to Austin, Texas, without knowing anyone. Filling her car to the brim and driving across the country with her cat, she embarked on a new journey and decided to document it along the way. Lisa is a typical single 30-something building a life she thrives in. She makes lifestyle content and documents navigating her 30s, starting over, solo life, life in Austin, and anything else that inspires her! Find her on Instagram and TikTok and on her podcast, Surthriving.

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📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, & the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

🔎 Want to work with me on your podcast, your friendships, or need another link? That’s probably here.

Discretion is that gray zone between gossip and harmless chatter. Rebekah and I discuss how much we can expect friends to know intuitively what stays private and what's OK to share.

We're not talking about friends who gossip incessantly about you or reveal a big secret. That's easier to answer! Keep THAT friend at arm's length.

Discretion is another category entirely and we get to the bottom of it in less than 30 minutes.

IN THIS CONVERSATION

• The blurry line between discretion and gossip
• Experiencing a friendship “tap on the shoulder vs. smack in the face”: learning from small slip-ups before they become big mess-ups
• Nina’s mom’s reminder: Not every friend is a close friend
• Practical ways to decide what you can share, what you should share, and when to hit pause
• Why “share your truth” and “protect your privacy” don’t have to be opposites
• A Jewish teaching on mindful speech that still works in the screenshot age

LINKS & RESOURCES

• Ask an anonymous question
• Eventbrite tickets to see Nina and Rebekah LIVE in Highland Park, IL: “From the Cafeteria to the Mahj Table: Friend-Group Challenges from Teens to Mid-Life and Beyond.” Tickets are going fast!
• White Lotus Friendship Trio episode with Rebekah
• Episodes with my mom as the guest if you want more of Kathy's advice.
• Episode #136 with Rebekah about finding your 3-5 closest friends. (Another letter spotlight episode)
• Episode #112 about college admissions and friendship
• A bit more information about the laws of speech in Judaism

MEET REBEKAH JACOBS

Rebekah has been a reading specialist and writing instructor for over 20 years, teaching in Boston, Chicago, DC, and Los Angeles. Currently, she teaches college writing in DC, and her own writing has been featured in Kveller. As assistant producer for Dear Nina, she is passionate about ideation and brainstorming creative concepts. She tries to read 80 books a year and loves TV—though, unlike Nina, cooking and tech are not her strong suit. She lives with her husband, three kids, and a golden doodle named Peanut.

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📢 How to promote your service, business, or book on Dear Nina

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❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, & the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

🔎 Want to work with me on your podcast, your friendships, or need another link? That’s probably here.

Answer the 3 Questions This Week!

1. Block 15 minutes.
2. Jot down honest answers. And bullet points count!

LINKS & RESOURCES

• Join the Dear Nina Facebook Community to discuss wins and struggles from all the monthly challenges.
• Previous Monthly Challenges in the newsletter (Jan–June 2025)
• Episode #127, January: See a friend in person
• #131 February: Start a friendship ritual
• #135 March: Plan a hyper-local hangout
• #140 April: Put your friends' birthdays in your calendar
• #144 May: Change the venue where you spend time with a friend or change how you communicate
• #149 June: Ask a friend for a favor
• Episode 121 about "Rules for Making Plans"

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📢 How to promote your service, business, or book on Dear Nina

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, & the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

🔎 Want to work with me on your podcast, your friendships, or need another link? That’s probably here.

Your child’s social life can stir up every unresolved playground scar you’re still carrying. Licensed clinical social worker and EMDR therapist Beth Segaloff joins "Dear Nina" to talk about separating our past (and present) friendship baggage from our kids’ current experiences. We discuss how kids' realities are so different today and why that small pause before jumping in to “fix” everything is parenting gold.

HIGHLIGHTS:

• Why your kid’s friendship bumps feel personal--how to tell what feelings belong to you versus your child.
• The 2025 friendship landscape: 24/7 phones, "Snap Maps," and over-scheduled lives
• The space between reacting and responding--how a moment of silence can change the whole conversation (and other strategies for when your child is struggling with friendships).
• Why forcing invitations or calling another parent for a favor often backfires, and what true support looks like instead.
• Modeling adult friendships: intentional intimacy vs. accidental exclusion

MEET BETH SEGALOFF

Beth Segaloff is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, EMDR therapist, yoga instructor, and Reiki healer dedicated to holistic healing and transformation. As founder of Tree of Life Center in Fairfield, CT, she offers in-person and virtual support for grief, trauma, and life transitions. Through programs like Living Fully with Grief and Life School 360, Beth empowers clients to move from pain and loss toward love, meaning, and purpose. Find Beth on Instagram at @tree.of.life.center.

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📢 How to promote your service, business, or book on Dear Nina

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❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, & the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

🔎 Want to work with me on your podcast, your friendships, or need another link? That’s probably here.

Therapist and podcast host, Jazzmyn Proctor, joins me to bust some of the most common myths she sees in her work with clients. This conversation offers a grounded, kind, and honest look at how we can rethink what adult friendship should look like.

WE DISCUSS:

• Why depth doesn’t equal frequency—and what actually builds emotional closeness
• How to let quality time evolve in your adult life instead of trying to recreate the past
• The trap of overvaluing history in friendships
• Why the phrase “no new friends” might be holding you back
• When “friendship takes work” goes too far
• The often-discussed "trio problem" gets a mention!

MEET JAZZMYN PROCTOR

Jazzmyn Proctor—your go-to therapist and the powerhouse host of the All Our Parts podcast! Jazzmyn is all about helping you find your vibe, face life’s curveballs, and come out stronger. From navigating the highs and lows of love and relationships to embracing self-discovery and smashing through obstacles, she’s here to hype you up every step of the way. 

She knows that everyone’s journey is unique, and her mission? To help you unlock your full potential and level up your mental health game. So, if you're ready to live your best life, hit play on All Our Parts and let Jazzmyn guide you straight to your happy place! Find Jazzmyn on Instagram @healingwithjazzmyn and TikTok too!

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📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

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📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

🔎 Want to work with me on your podcast, your friendships, or need another link? That’s probably here.

Inspired by the groundbreaking work of political scientist Robert Putnam (Bowling Alone), Join or Die explores the powerful link between social connection, the health of our democracy, and our mental and physical health on an individual level.

If you’ve been feeling stuck, isolated, or unsure where to begin when it comes to finding your people and more meaning in your life, this episode is a place to start. 

HIGHLIGHTS:

• Why so many people feel they don’t have enough friends or diverse friendships.
• The difference between community and friendship--and why we need both.
• What “social capital” actually means and why it affects everything from your mental health to the quality of your local government.
• Why loneliness isn’t just a personal issue, it’s a civic one.
• How we went from a culture of joiners to one of solo scrollers, and how we can change that.
• Practical tips on joining or starting something meaningful, even if you're intimidated.

LINKS & RESOURCES

• Watch the film: Join or Die
• Host a screening in your community! Find out how on the film’s website.
• Listen to previous episode mentioned #135: The Hyperlocal Friendship Challenge
• Also #138: The Neighborhood Village and How Community is Different From Friendship: with Seth D. Kaplan

Meet Rebecca Davis & Pete Davis, co-directors and co-producers

Rebecca Davis was a senior producer with NBC News for nearly a decade, where her work focused on social movements, environmental and economic justice, and community innovators.

Pete Davis is a writer and civic advocate and a former student of Robert Putnam's. He is the author of Dedicated: The Case for Commitment in An Age of Infinite Browsing. He is the co-founder of the Democracy Policy Network, a policy organization focused on raising up ideas that deepen democracy.

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📢 How to promote your service, business, or book on Dear Nina

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, & the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

🔎 Want to work with me on your podcast, your friendships, or need another link? That’s probably here.

Why? Asking a friend for a favor demonstrates trust and intimacy. It helps your friend feel closer to you merely because you asked, and this will strengthen the friendship. Unfortunately, people really struggle asking for help, even for the smallest of favors. This month I want you to practice this important skill!

I also ask you to consider if you struggle asking friends for help because you're afraid people will then ask you for help. That's how friendship works! We have to be inconvenienced sometimes for friends and community, which is good for relationships AND for society.

I packed a lot into a 12-minute episode. I hope you'll join me in the June Dear Nina Friendship Challenge.

LINKS & RESOURCES

• Join the Dear Nina Facebook Community to discuss wins and struggles from all the monthly challenges.
• Previous Monthly Challenges (Jan–May 2025) are all linked at dearnina.substack.com.
• The episode I mentioned with Gretchen Rubin

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📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

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You don't want to miss this one!

LINKS & RESOURCES

• Emily Post's Business Etiquette is the newest book from Dan and Lizzie
• The Emily Post Institute on Instagram
• Dan and Lizzie's podcast, Awesome Etiquette
• We referred to one of my earliest episodes! #2 "When Your Friend's Kid is Being Mean to Your Kid"

MEET DANIEL POST SENNING:

Daniel Post Senning, great-great-grandson of Emily Post, is co-president with his cousin, Lizzie Post, at the Emily Post Institute. He manages the company’s training programs, has authored and co-authored many books on etiquette, covering topics from business to digital manners, and delivers seminars and speeches on these topics around the world. An active spokesperson for the Institute, he regularly speaks with media outlets about business, technology, and dining etiquette. Daniel has appeared on The Today Show, The History Channel, and ESPN, and has been interviewed by publications including the New York Times, GQ, Time Magazine, and the Wall Street Journal. He most enjoys answering questions as a co-host on the Institute’s weekly podcast, Awesome Etiquette, from his home in Duxbury, Vermont, where he lives with his wife, Puja, and their children, Anisha, Arya, and William.

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📢 How to promote your service, business, or book on Dear Nina

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❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, & the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

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Not sharing can also have a cost. When friends learn about our news secondhand, it can create distance and misunderstandings.

Vulnerability is a key to closeness, and sharing GOOD news is an excellent way to make yourself vulnerable.

Equally as important in this episode: I discuss receiving your friends' good news with graciousness, curiosity, and shared joy if you want friends to keep you in the loop. When a friend shares something exciting, offer clear enthusiasm and ask a follow-up question!

LINKS AND RESOURCES

• Hear me on NPR Life Kit: "How to Keep Old Friends" Apple. Spotify.
• Join the Conversation: In the Dear Nina Facebook group we swap friendship wins and dilemmas.
• Episode 146 of Dear Nina on not overthinking in your friendships and tolerating uncertainty.

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📢 How to promote your service, business, or book on Dear Nina

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, & the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

🔎 Want to work with me on your podcast, your friendships, or need another link? That’s probably here.

KEY TAKEAWAYS

• Silence usually means “busy,” not “they secretly hate me.”
• Budget your “energy bucks.” Rumination is a waste of energy; spend wisely.
• Constant overthinking can create distance between friends and lead to miscommunication, anxiety, and the fear of judgment.
• Work to tolerate the unknown: there's power in letting things unfold naturally in friendships.
• Lead with curiosity. A simple “Hey, when’s good to chat?” beats the story your telling yourself about why someone hasn't responded.

LINKS & RESOURCES

• Dr. Jackie Henry’s Substack: Less Thinking, More Living
• The Dear Nina monthly friendship challenges. (The April one was mentioned in this episode.)
• The TikTok account I mentioned about recounting awkward moments. @amymaurercreel

MEET DR. JACKIE

Dr. Jackie Henry is a psychologist, writer, and founder of Less Thinking, More Living—a platform dedicated to helping people stop overthinking and start fully embracing life. Based in the Twin Cities, she also works as a wellness consultant and has a private therapy practice. Dr. Jackie combines humor, heart, and relatable insights to help individuals navigate life with greater ease and presence. Outside of work, she's at the cabin, playing board games, or enjoying happy hour with her husband, four daughters, and their small but mighty dog. You can find her on Instagram @dr.jackiehenry or on Substack at Less Thinking, More Living.

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📢 How to promote your service, business, or book on Dear Nina

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, & the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

🔎 Want to work with me on your podcast, your friendships, or need another link? That’s probably here.

HIGHLIGHTS

• How singlism, a term coined by Dr. Bella DePaulo, is often based in myths and harmful stereotypes
• Why singleness isn't something to be solved by a partnered friends
• Rules for married/partners friends when it comes to their single friends (don't treat dating life as entertainment, help with mundane life tasks, celebrate accomplishments, hang out one on one, include in larger plans).
• Why working through conflict is a sign of a deep friendship
• What married people can learn from single people about maintaining strong social ties

LINKS & RESOURCES

• Meghan's book, Party of One: Be Your Own Best Life Partner
• Find Meghan on Instagram @damekeane
• We referred to previous Dear Nina episodes with Dr. Marisa Franco, Gretchen Rubin, and Ruchi Koval

MEET MEGHAN KEANE

Meghan Keane is the founder and supervising editor for NPR's Life Kit, which brings listeners advice and actionable information about personal finances, health, parenting, relationships and more. She is responsible for the editorial vision of Life Kit, which aims to serve NPR's larger mission of public service. Prior to founding Life Kit, Keane was a producer for NPR's award winning podcast Invisibilia. There, she produced long form stories about understanding human behavior and the invisible forces that shape our lives. She reported stories about the intersection of positivity, grief, and Disneyland and another story about a woman obsessed with her daydream world. Keane is also a founding producer of NPR's TED Radio Hour, which has consistently been one of NPR's top podcasts since its debut. Keane holds a B.S. journalism degree from Emerson College and is a native of the Washington, D.C. area.

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📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

🔎 Want to work with me on your podcast, your friendships, or need another link? That’s probably here.

🙏 Support the Show:

Love what you’re hearing? Share this episode with a friend or leave a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. Every bit helps us bring more meaningful conversations your way.

Welcome to the Dear Nina Friendship Challenge for May: Pick a newer friend or an old friend you'd like to feel closer to and initiate a change in where (or how) you hang out.

Do you normally text, but never talk on the phone? Try a call! Do you walk once in awhile, but never go out for lunch? Suggest a new restaurant in town.

I provide more ideas in the episode PLUS all the reasons why a venue change is so powerful for deepening new friendships and revitalizing old ones.

Ready to try this powerful friendship "upgrade?" Hit play, choose your venue swap, and let me know how it goes!

LINKS & RESOURCES

• Join the Dear Nina Facebook Community to discuss wins and struggles from all the monthly challenges.
• Previous Monthly Challenges (Jan–Apr 2025) are all linked at dearnina.substack.com.

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

📢 How to promote your service, business, or book on Dear Nina

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, & the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

🔎 Want to work with me on your podcast, your friendships, or need another link? That’s probably here.

🙏 Support the Show:

Love what you’re hearing? Share this episode with a friend or leave a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. Every bit helps us bring more meaningful conversations your way.

Whether you're always the planner, the first to text, or the one who feels left out of the group chat, this conversation will reframe your perspective and give you permission to stop taking every unmet friendship expectation so personally. Plus, you will love Harlan if you've never heard him before. He's the best, and he provided me a needed wake-up call around my own fears of rejection.

TOPICS WE COVERED:

• Flipping our fears of being left out or let down in friendships into something more empowering
• How to stop testing your friends and start communicating
• Harlan's “people, places, patience” formula for building connection
• Why putting yourself in “low-barrier” places is a lifelong strategy for connection
• The pressure we put on friends and ourselves to meet unspoken expectations
• What to do if you're always the one initiating plans
• Harlan's full-circle roommate story that will make you smile and remind you that we never know what the other person in our "friendship narrative" is really thinking

LINKS & RESOURCES:

• Harlan’s College Success Coaching Program Best First Year
• Harlan's episode with his freshman year roommate
• You will love Harlan on Instagram and TikTok and YouTube!

MEET HARLAN COHEN: Harlan is the New York Times bestselling author of The Naked Roommate: And 107 Other Issues You Might Run Into In College and six other titles (over 1 million copies in print). His social media accounts have over 1.5 million followers and he hosts a popular podcast. He is the founder of Best First Year, a college success coaching program for students and parents. Harlan lives in Chicago, Illinois with his wife and three children.

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❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, & the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

🔎 Want to work with me on your podcast, your friendships, or need another link? That’s probably here.

🙏 Support the Show:

Love what you’re hearing? Share this episode with a friend or leave a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. Every bit helps us bring more meaningful conversations your way.

I spoke with author, Katherine Martinko, whose book Childhood Unplugged and Substack newsletter, The Analog Family, focuses on how to take back our presence, one small shift at a time. This episode isn’t an anti-tech rant—it’s a nuanced conversation about building a life and fostering friendships offline with intentionality. We explore what’s lost when we let phones dominate our social time and what’s gained when we reclaim our attention and presence. All issues I need as much help with as anyone else!

TOPICS WE COVERED:

• Screen time isn't just a kid issue—it's an adult problem, too
• Why undivided attention is one of the most generous gifts in friendship
• Building a richer, more soul-nourishing life offline is the key to putting your phone down more often.
• Practical tips for reducing phone use during social gatherings
• Small changes that make a huge difference
• Why 7 minutes into a conversation might be the tipping point for going deeper (if you don’t pick up your phone!)
• What it really takes to “fix your analog life first”

LINKS & RESOURCES:

• One of my favorite essays by Katherine: “Fix Your Analog Life First: It's a Prerequisite for Curbing Screen Time”
• Jonathan Haidt’s The Anxious Generation
• Cal Newport’s work on digital minimalism and deep work
• Sherry Turkle’s Alone Together
• Erin Loechner’s The Opt-Out Family

MEET KATHERINE MARTINKO: Katherine is a writer, editor, and speaker. She is the author of Childhood Unplugged: Practical Advice to Get Kids Off Screens and Find Balance (2023) and creator of a fast-growing Substack newsletter called The Analog Family. Katherine is a speaker on behalf of Jonathan Haidt's Anxious Generation campaign. She is a regular contributor to the Globe and Mail, Canada’s largest newspaper, and appears regularly on national radio, TV, talk shows, and podcasts, including CBC The National and Global TV. Katherine lives with her family in Ontario, Canada. See her website here.

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❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, & the Dear Nina Facebook group

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🔎 Want to work with me on your podcast, your friendships, or need another link? That’s probably here.

🙏 Support the Show:

Love what you’re hearing? Share this episode with a friend or leave a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. Every bit helps us bring more meaningful conversations your way.

The friendship trio of Jaclyn, Kate, and Laurie has captivated TV viewers for the last two months. Similarly, Rebekah Jacobs (Dear Nina's assistant producer) and I have been texting and talking between episodes. Now that the season finale has aired, we shared all the lessons we think Jaclyn, Kate, and Laurie imparted on the world. Even their mistakes gave us plenty of friendship advice to ponder.

A big point that Rebekah and I agree on: Not all friendship triangles are bad! YES, even this particular trio has us defending friendship triangles. No friendship "shape" is good or bad. How individuals behave creates healthy or unhealthy friendships!

WHITE LOTUS INSPIRED FRIENDSHIP ADVICE WE DISCUSSED:

• Think carefully before sharing information with a friend. (Kate telling Laurie about Valentin)
• Be vulnerable sooner than you think. (Laurie didn't have to wait until the last night of the trip.)
• Be direct, not passive-aggressive. And don't assume friends can read your mind.
• Apologize and accept apologies when they're genuine
• Friends don't always have to be on the same page about everything
• Give your friends grace to mess up/ let some things go 
• Friends are not necessarily mirrors of each other
• Allow friends to change and grow
• Know the difference between gossip vs. genuine care and concern
• Give old friendships some of the fun, ease, and benefit of the doubt we give fresh, new friendships (Chelsea/Chloe vs. the trio of old friends)
• Don't a friend to meet every need
• Truth daggers hurt. You can be honest with your friends without being cruel.

LINKS MENTIONED IN THE EPISODE:

• You're the Only One I Can Tell by Deborah Tannen
• Episode 136: Your 3-5 Closest Friends

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📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

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📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

🔎 Want to work with me on your podcast, your friendships, or need another link? That’s probably here.

The rest of the episode explores the emotional complexities surrounding birthdays, comparing how other friends' birthdays get celebrated, and why I believe in planning your own parties. 

While talking I realized we need a part two of this topic because I introduced many more questions than answers. I'd love to hear your thoughts and if celebrating friends' birthdays and your own brings up any feelings. I definitely shared some! Reach out any time at ninabadzin@gmail.com or anonymously here. 

Find the past friendship challenges here. 

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🔎 Want to work with me on your podcast, your friendships, or need another link? That’s probably here.

I break down the process, explaining each aspect from concept, podcast art, music, format, equipment, recording, editing, hosting your episodes, marketing, realistic expectations for your friends' interest, realistic exceptions for how much a guest will share. All in less than 35 minutes! 

Links to everything I mentioned in the episode:

• My podcast strategy sessions: Here you go!
• Podcast art and episode graphics: Canva.com 
• Basic equipment: Microphone, mic arm, headphones, 
• Equipment I added later: mixer , camera, streaming light 
• Recording, editing, and social media clips: Riverside.fm
• My favorite editing software: Descript
• Sound cleanup: Auphonic.com
• A hosting suggestion(my first host)---Buzzsprout
• Another hosting suggestion (my current host)--RedCircle
• Other hosting suggestions: Spotify for Creators, Substack 

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📢 How to promote your service, business, or book on Dear Nina

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

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📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

🔎 Want to work with me on your podcast, your friendships, or need another link? That’s probably here.

I’m joined by Seth D. Kaplan, author of FRAGILE NEIGHBORHOODS: Repairing American Society One Zip Code at a Time, to discuss the importance of social health in fostering community connections.

We delve into the impact of technology, the decline of neighborhood schools, and policies that impact community disconnection and inequality, while also offering practical steps for individuals and cities to enhance social engagement and rebuild neighborhood ties.

In this conversation, Seth Kaplan and I also contrast community relationships with friendships. We discuss the importance of being part of a community, the decay of middle-ring relationships, and the role of participation (showing up!) in fostering a supportive environment. Kaplan shares research along with personal anecdotes and ideas about community engagement. I spent time dwelling on my favorite concept—the gemach—a communal lending system that exemplifies the spirit of cooperation and support.

Meet Seth D. Kaplan

Seth D. Kaplan, a leading expert on fragile states, societies, and communities, is the author of Fragile Neighborhoods: Repairing American Society, One Zip Code at a Time (Little, Brown Spark 2023). He is a Professorial Lecturer in the Paul H. Nitze School of Advanced International Studies (SAIS) at Johns Hopkins University, Senior Adviser for the Institute for Integrated Transitions (IFIT), and consultant to organizations such as the World Bank, U.S. State Department, United States Institute of Peace, and OECD. Find Seth on LinkedIn and on his website.

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

📢 How to promote your service, business, or book on Dear Nina

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, & the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

🔎 Want to work with me on your podcast, your friendships, or need another link? That’s probably here.

Leslie Hooton had to learn to walk multiple times throughout her life because of a stroke she had when she was born and numerous surgeries she's endured since. Leslie shares how neighborhood friends each took an assigned day when her beloved gym closed so that Leslie's muscles would get the essential movement necessary to keep her on her feet and healthy.

Leslie shares wisdom on friendship she gained through these walks and through life in general. This is one you don't want to miss if you didn't catch it the first time.

Meet Leslie Hooton

Leslie is the author of three novels. Her most recent book, After Everyone Else, was the winner of an Indie Book Award. Leslie says her best quality is her village of friends. Her second book is dedicated to them. Leslie often remarks that some people have a stroke of luck, she had a stroke at birth. The limited use of her right side and numerous surgeries have allowed Leslie a unique perspective, which she brings to her writing. Leslie uses dictation for her writing and often jokes “I haven’t typed a single word." 

You can find more information on Leslie's book on her website and on Instagram.

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📢 This week’s fabulous sponsor + how to purchase ad space on Dear Nina

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

🔎 Want to work with me or need another link? That’s probably here.

Joining me to answer the letter is my assistant producer, Rebekah Jacobs. Rebekah has been working with me for a while, but I wanted to get her on the mic so you can hear why I adore working with her so much. AND we're good friends---newer good friends--with our own friendship story to share.

We discussed concrete ways for getting closer to people you already like and creating deeper bonds: increase the frequency of your time together, share good news, be "messy," ask for a favor, change the venue, and become beginners together.

MEET REBEKAH JACOBS:

Rebekah has been a reading specialist and writing instructor for over 20 years, teaching in Boston, Chicago, DC, and Los Angeles. Currently, she teaches college writing in DC, and her own writing has been featured in Kveller. As assistant producer for Dear Nina, she is passionate about ideation and brainstorming creative concepts. She tries to read 80 books a year and loves TV—though, unlike Nina, cooking and tech are not her strong suit. She lives with her husband, three kids, and a goldendoodle named Peanut.

LINKS MENTIONED IN THE EPISODE:

• Episode #19: with Rebekah Jacobs-- Novels and Memoirs About Friendship
• Episode #62: with Leslie Hooten-- The Friendship of the Weekly Walking Partners
• Episode #173: with Ruchi Koval-- I'm Just Not Into This Friendship
• Episode #126 with Anna Goldfarb-- Is it Time For a Friendship Cleanse?
• Episode #134 with SC Perot-- Fandom and the Potential for Friendship
• Anna's book: Modern Friendship: How to Nurture Our Most Valued Connections
• Rebekah mentioned: The Five Types of Wealth by Sahil Bloom and a Laurie Santos reference to a beautiful mess here from Date Like A Scientist.

 

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📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

🔎 Want to work with me or need another link? That’s probably here.

I introduce the March friendship challenge in this episode, which of course you can start any day of ANY MONTH. The challenge this month focuses on hyperlocal friendships, emphasizing the significance of proximity in building connections. I share some personal anecdotes and practical tips for engaging with friends in your neighborhood or at least nearby. 

I’m encouraging listeners to take actionable steps to add this important layer to their social lives. As always, the Dear Nina friendship challenges help you to become a better friend and have better friendships. 

Stay in touch and let me know how it’s going in the Dear Nina Facebook group, through my newsletter at dearnina.substack.com, or on Instagram at @dearninafriendship.

LINKS MENTIONED IN THE EPISODE:

• Episode #127: January challenge--See a Friend in Person
• Episode #131: February challenge--Start a Ritual with Friends
• Fragile Neighborhoods by Seth D. Kaplan

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

📢 This week’s fabulous sponsor + how to purchase ad space on Dear Nina

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

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📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

🔎 Want to work with me or need another link? That’s probably here.

Fandom, especially very enthusiastic fandom, can provide community, belonging, and friendship. In episode #134 of Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship, I'm joined by Vanderbilt professor, lawyer, author, and joy enthusiast, SC Perot, who shares her story of rediscovering joy after a devastating divorce, highlighting how her newfound interest in Harry Styles and the community surrounding his concerts provided a much-needed escape and a way to connect with people who wanted to discuss something other than divorce. A formerly-casual fan of Harry Styles, SC ended up attending 17 Harry Styles concerts in five countries!

SC and I discuss her memoir Styles of Joy: A Feel-Good Framework for Rediscovering Joy (with a Twist!), which encompass her study of joy, the importance of being open to new experiences, the power of shared interests in fostering new friendships, the particular qualities of emotional generosity and uncomplicated friendships in fan communities.

This conversation highlights the significance of community and the joy that comes from the deep love of a musician, team, book series, or anything where a fan community forms. Ultimately, all friends start as strangers, and fan communities are a great place to bond with strangers over a shared passion.

MEET SC PEROT

Sarah Catherine "SC" Perot was born and raised in Dallas, Texas, and currently lives in Nashville, Tennessee. She is a proud graduate of Vanderbilt University and Stanford Law School, where she earned a Juris Doctor degree. After practicing law, she pivoted during the pandemic to follow a longtime desire to teach. She is presently an Adjunct Faculty member at her alma mater, Vanderbilt University, where she teaches in the Human and Organizational Development department. The running through line of her varied career and life is a steadfast love for people and storytelling. Find her on Instagram @scperot.

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📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

🔎 Want to work with me or need another link? That’s probably here.

It's not uncommon to discuss our sex lives with friends during the adolescent and college years. But as we age, it becomes less comfortable. Trust and privacy (of our partner) can be significant barriers to discussing intimate details as well as a fear that friends will judge our issues, desires, and choices.

Dr. Arielle Buch-Frohlich, a clinical psychologist specializing in sex and couples therapy, joins me to remind listeners how discussing sex with friends at any age can have major benefits. Perhaps our sex lives, as we get older, would stay better, healthier, more robust, or we'd have better feelings about it, if we were talking about it with our friends.

Dr. Arielle feels that normalizing conversations about sex, despite significant taboos around this topic, can lead to healthier relationships since human sexuality evolves over time, just like we do. She says that single and married friends can share experiences, but it requires mutual trust. We discuss how romance/fantasy novels and certain shows and movies can facilitate conversations about sex and other ideas for broaching the topic with friends.

Meet Dr. Arielle Buch-Frohlich

Dr. Arielle Buch-Frohlich is a clinical psychologist licensed in Ontario and Quebec. She completed a doctorate in Clinical Psychology (Psy.D) from the Université du Québec à Montréal (UQAM) and received clinical training from the Sex and Couple Therapy Service at the Allen Memorial Institute. Dr. Arielle specializes in sex and relationships, to help individuals and couples thrive. Additionally, Dr. Arielle seeks to help young couples thrive through the transition to parenthood, with expertise in fertility, perinatal and postpartum mental health.

For more information, please email dr.arielle.therapy@gmail.com or book a free consult online at annasalomon.com.

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

📢 This week’s fabulous sponsor + how to purchase ad space on Dear Nina

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

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📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

🔎 Want to work with me or need another link? That’s probably here.

Dr. Adam, author of Super Psyched: Unleash the Power of the 4 Types of Connection and Live the Life You Love, shares the FEED model for enhancing connection. We also talk about the consequences of disconnection, the nuances of loneliness and solitude, strategies for revitalizing old friendships, the role of activities in making new friends, and the impact of fear of rejection on social interactions. 

Super Psyched has been endorsed by Lori Gottlieb, Daniel H. Pink, Mel Robbins, Guy Kawasaki, A.J. Jacobs, and many others. And Dr. Adam and I got along so well on this episode that we also recorded an episode about adult friendships on his podcast! (Ep #247 of SuperPsyched, “A Conversation With Nina Badzin”)

MEET DR. ADAM DORSAY:

Dr. Adam Dorsay is a licensed psychologist and executive coach in Silicon Valley where he serves high-achieving adults (including professionals, executives, entrepreneurs, and professional athletes). Adam is the host of SuperPsyched, an award-winning podcast, and the author of Super Psyched: Unleash the Power of the 4 Types of Connection and Live the Life You Love.

Beyond his private practice, Adam is a resiliency expert who co-created an international program for Facebook’s Online Safety employees for several years. He now serves as the resiliency consultant to DigitalOcean and has frequent requests from the media for interviews. He has provided keynotes and trainings to multiple corporations and organizations, including Microsoft, Linkedin, and the California Psychological Association. He is happily married, the father of young boys, and he has a hypoallergenic 33-pound Australian Labradoodle therapy dog named Raffi, who lives at his home and works at his office.

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

📢 This week’s fabulous sponsor + how to purchase ad space on Dear Nina

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

🔎 Want to work with me or need another link? That’s probably here.

For accountability, report back in the Dear Nina Facebook Group, on Substack, or via email when you've made the plan. It's okay if the plan doesn't happen in February. Just get the planning going!

To quote (myself!) from January, "In a healthy, robust, social life, or at least a deeply fulfilling one where you feel like you can be yourself, there's less keeping score, less keeping track, less waiting for invitations, and less moralizing about who should have included you. You dear listener are in charge. You will do the including."

And that statement is completely applicable to the February challenge as well. I hear from people who feel they need to start over with friendships or that they've never had good friends. So when you hear something like "start a ritual," you might be thinking, "But Nina, I don't have any close friends." And that's the point. These rituals and traditions can become the foundation of close friendships.

In my interview with Rachel Steinman and Rachel Winter, co-authors of STAY GOLDEN, GIRLS, you will hear examples of traditions between longtime friends, newer friends, and I share some of my own traditions with people who are now longtime friends, but who weren't when we started certain annual plans.

The power in rituals and traditions are not even about the activity itself in many cases. It's about the anticipation and organization! Of course there are tricky elements of planning these traditions, too. How many people should you include? That's a big one, and there are others. We discuss them all in the episode!

Links mentioned:

• All the 2025 Monthly Challenges newsletter posts 
• "How to Make Plans with Friends" 
• Episode #56 with Kat Vellos: Managing Group Texts

Meet "The Rachels"

Rachel Steinman and Rachel Winter are here to help give inspiration to all of us. They’ve been friends since they were 18 years old though, and they are both accomplished and interesting women on their own, but together they co-wrote Stay Golden, Girls, a gift book about the importance of women’s friendships.

Rachel Steinman is a writer, teacher, and mental health educator. She hosts the Dear Family, Podcast with inspirational guests who have overcome mental health obstacles to thrive. She received her Masters in Education and teaching credentials from UCLA, has taught every elementary school grade, and has been a school librarian. She is a lead presenter for NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness), going into middle and high schools to educate students, parents, and staff about warning signs while offering resources and hope. 

Rachel Winter is a writer, director, and an Academy Award®-nominated producer for Dallas Buyers Club. Winter, along with LeBron James, produced James’ biopic, Shooting Stars, released on Peacock in June 2023. Available now from iHeart Radio, Winter produced and directed the audio drama Supreme: The Battle for Roe, and made her directorial debut with The Space Between, starring Kelsey Grammer, for which they both received awards from various Film Festivals.

All social media and purchasing links for Stay Golden, Girls, can be found here.

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📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

🔎 Want to work with me or need another link? That’s probably here.

“Sober curious” means you're curious about how much you're drinking and how your health, relationships, and work and more might change without alcohol, even if you don't have an addiction.

Today's guest, writer and podcaster, Hallie Sawyer, began a sober curious journey several years ago and is here to give Dear Nina listeners an honest account of how it began and why she has stayed completely committed to avoiding alcohol years later.

Meet Hallie Sawyer:

Hallie is a writer and host of the podcast, The AWEd Life, which is an acronym for Awake, Well, and Empowered. Living AWEd has been her life filter since challenging herself to give up alcohol for 90 days which is now her M.O. She’s a midlife mom with three adult children who recently became the owner of an empty nest and is ready to take on this next stage of life with gusto. She shares her writing weekly on Substack and you can find her on Instagram at @hallie_sawyer and @theawedlife.

Links mentioned and other related episodes:

• Ruby Warrington's book, Sober Curious: The Blissful Sleep, Greater Focus, Deep Connection, and Limitless Presence Awaiting Us All On The Other Side of Alcohol
• Dear Nina episode #17 Friendship and Sobriety: Jen (Gilhoi) Veralle
• Hallie's friendship project!
• I was a guest on Hallie's podcast, The AWEd Life, where we discussed the changing nature of friendship in midlife.

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

📢 This week’s fabulous sponsor + how to purchase ad space on Dear Nina

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

🔎 Want to work with me or need another link? That’s probably here.

It can be tempting to say nothing for fear of saying the wrong thing. It can be tempting to assume our friends like to be comforted exactly the way we like to be comforted. If I've learned anything from writing about friendship for 10 years, it's that we are all quite different so knowing what our friends need in hard times is something that develops in time along with the friendship.

Difficult truth: You only learn what your friends want and need by showing up, even if you don't get it "right" at first. 

Here is a vetted list of organizations collecting funds to help everyone affected by the fires in Southern California.

Links mentioned and other related episodes:

• #55. How to Support a Friend Facing an Ambiguous Loss: Emma Nadler
• #69. Don’t Be Afraid of Saying the Wrong Thing to Friends With a Chronic Illness: Jennifer Cramer-Miller
• #90. The Friends You Want Around During a Crisis: Kelly Lang
• #104. Being a Good Friend to Someone With Terminal Cancer: Jill Smokler
• #128: Your Friends Won’t Always Say the Right Thing When You’re Struggling, Forgive Them: Steve Phillips

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📢 This week’s fabulous sponsor + how to purchase ad space on Dear Nina

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

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📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

🔎 Want to work with me or need another link? That’s probably here.

This episode is a particularly special one because it came from an unexpected, beautiful letter from a listener--national bestselling author, Steve Phillips. Steve wrote to me expressing his gratitude for episodes that helped him reframe his thoughts on friendship after the devastating loss of his wife of 32 years, Susan Sandler, who died of brain cancer in December 2022 after living with the disease for six years.

Steve wasn't pitching the show in that letter, but I asked him if he'd honor me by sharing his experiences with friendship. And he said yes! It was a really good conversation about various topics having to do with showing up, rebuilding your social life, making plans, "real friends" vs "deal friends" and more.

Links Steve mentioned in the episode:

Episode #50: "Overlooking Friends' Foibles" (with my mom!)

Episode #86: "Every Friendship Begins With an Act of Bravery"

Meet Steve Phillips

Steve Phillips is a bestselling author, national political commentator and columnist with an extensive history at the forefront of the intersection of racial equity. He is a New York Times bestselling author, a columnist for The Guardian and The Nation, and an opinion contributor to The New York Times. He is also the host of “Democracy in Color with Steve Phillips,” a color-conscious podcast on politics. Together with his wife, the late Susan Sandler, Steve c0-founded the Sandler Phillips Center, which supports organizations and campaigns led by people of color, women, immigrants, and LGBTQIA plus people, and hosts the Fannie Lou Hamer Fellowships for courageous activists.

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

📢 This week’s fabulous sponsor + how to purchase ad space on Dear Nina

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

🔎 Want to work with me or need another link? That’s probably here.

We need to see our friends in person. Start the year off right with the best social wellness trick around--spend time with people you like. If you don't like your friends, I address briefly that in today's episode too.

LINKS MENTIONED IN THE EPISODE:

• This is the 2025 daily notebook I bought.
• Episode #121: "Rules for Making Plans With Friends" 
• Substack post: "This is How to Make Plans With Friends"
• Hallie's post: "A Like Does Not a Friendship Make"
• My instagram "Texting is Cool, BUT" post.

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

📢 This week’s fabulous sponsor + how to purchase ad space on Dear Nina

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

🔎 Want to work with me or need another link? That’s probably here.

By the end of this episode, you will have a healthier mindset for thinking through your friendships, and you'll know why I became friends with Anna after her visit to the podcast almost two years ago when we talked about lopsided friendships.

Meet Anna Goldfarb:

Anna Goldfarb is the Philadelphia-based journalist and author of Modern Friendship: How to Nurture Our Most Valued Connections. Her work has appeared in The Atlantic, TIME, Vice, The Cut, Vox, The Washington Post, and The New York Times. Find Anna's newsletter on Substack, grab an excerpt from her book on her website, and follow Anna on Instagram.

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

📢 This week’s fabulous sponsor + how to purchase ad space on Dear Nina

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

🔎 Want to work with me or need another link? That’s probably here.

Ann Imig, creator and author of LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER, and life coach at Listen Life Coaching, is here with practical tools that will help keep the judge at bay. Ann encourages "curiosity, celebrating, and savoring" in our friendships, "showing up when you show up," and utilizing the words and mindset of "tell me more."

We also discussed the role Ann (indirectly) played in my decision to start writing about friendship in 2014!

Meet Ann Imig:

Ann is an award-winning founder and speaker with numerous national media and stage appearances. As a certified coach at Listen Life Coaching she guides young adults (and their parents) to crush their goals, fuel their joy, and boost their confidence in a bright future. In 2010 she created the storytelling series and book titled LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER. Almost 15 years later, LTYM continues Giving Motherhood A Microphone on stages across North America (70 cities and counting). Ann's motherhood story stars 2 sons, ages 17 & 20 with her husband Ben.

Ann works a lot with concepts from positiveintelligence.com. Special offer for Fans of Dear Nina: Experience the life-changing experience of coaching with Ann for free (no strings attached!). Dear Nina listeners receive a full 50-min discovery session rather than the typical half-hour consult. ListenLifeCoaching.com

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

📢 This week’s fabulous sponsor + how to purchase ad space on Dear Nina

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

🔎 Want to work with me or need another link? That’s probably here.

The subjects are:

1. A listener whose friend makes little digs at her friend whenever they shop together.
2. A listener whose friend always chimes in late to the plan-making in the group text thread then wants to make changes.
3. A listener who wants to introduce her friends to each other, but is worried about getting excluded eventually.

The full text of the letters can be found here on my site. (dearninafriendship.com episode 124)

Links mentioned in the episode:

• Episode #121: "Rules for Making Plans With Your Friends"
• Newsletter with a bit more about making plans 
• Ask an anonymous question

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

📢 This week’s fabulous sponsor + how to purchase ad space on Dear Nina

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

🔎 Want to work with me or need another link? That’s probably here.

We also discussed how often you "should be" liking your friends' social media posts, a topic younger people on TikTok yell at me about sometimes. I think it's a terrible way to measure a friendship and occasionally get on TikTok to say so, but many out there think it's an important behavior to note. Matt and Karo ended up agreeing with me for the most part, but they were easier on those with that opinion than I was.

These are completely unrelated friendship topics, but I didn't want to squander my time with this hilarious and insightful duo. We fit in a few other friendship dilemmas, too, like viewing your friends in the most favorable light, remembering your friends aren't mind readers, when hobbies with friends take too much time from your spouse, and more.

More about Matt and Aaron:

As seen in the New York Times, on NPR, and the TODAY Show, Man of the Year will help you make new friends, reconnect with old ones, and build lifelong social fitness. Each November Matt and Aaron award a gigantic Man of the Year trophy to one of their childhood friends – a tradition that has kept their crew going strong since the '80s. But the country is currently facing a friendship recession – 15% of men report having zero close friends – and they’re on a mission to change that with tips, hacks, and decades of hilarious stories. Find Man of the Year on Instagram, YouTube, and TikTok.

Links mentioned in the episode:

"Where Have All My Guy Friends Gone?" Sarah Wheeler in The Cut

The TikTok post where people yell at me for saying NOT to drop your friends who don't actively like your social media posts.

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

📢 This week’s fabulous sponsor + how to purchase ad space on Dear Nina

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

🔎 Want to work with me or need another link? That’s probably here.

Today's episode is a revisit of my conversation with Diamonde Williamson, who found a way to make art from a painful friendship breakup and help others face their feelings of grief, loss, rejection, and loneliness.

Learn more about Diamonde's documentary, Best Friends Not Forever. And you must see her visual art on Instagram at @therealdiamonde.

Links mentioned in the episode:

• The episode with one of my best friends about the years we stopped being friends and how we reconnected: "Reconnecting with an ex-friend."
• Recent anonymous question in my newsletter, "The Friends Who Rejected Us: Thank you"

Meet Diamonde Williamson

Diamonde Williamson is the Founder and CEO of Third and Wonder Production House, the go-to media and production company for Black women and Black culture, specializing in branded, documentary, and unscripted formats. She’s created hundreds of videos for notable clientele like: The Oprah Winfrey Network, Google, Warner Bros., Essence, and more. Learn more about her original documentary, Best Friends Not Forever, and her highly praised podcast Meet Me in the Deep. Her continued goal is to build community and produce entertaining, empowering and relatable art for Black women. You can also find Diamonde on Instagram @therealdiamonde.

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

📢 This week’s fabulous sponsor + how to purchase ad space on Dear Nina

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

🔎 Want to work with me or need another link? That’s probably here.

The short answer: there are no rules.

The longer answer (only 16 minutes), is this week's episode-- "Rules for Making Plans With Friends." It's the newest letter spotlight episode, which gave me the chance to answer two anonymous friendship dilemmas and talk about a long-held pet peeve of mine when making plans.

I hope this episode helps you schedule time with friends!

Resources and links mentioned in the episode:

• Previous letter spotlight episode: "Friendships Between Sisters-in-Law"
• Previous letter spotlight episode: "Friends Who Never Ask About You"
• Episode 120 with Emma Nadler: "6 Ways to Be a More Generous Friend"
• The Joy of Connections by Ruth Westheimer and Allison Gilbert
• Episode 116 with Allison Gilbert: "Lose Track of Who Makes the Plans and 7 Other Friendship Tips From Dr. Ruth"

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Emma Nadler is a psychotherapist, author, and speaker. Her memoir, The Unlikely Village of Eden, is about learning to adapt when life doesn’t go to plan, redefining community, and creating your own imperfect path. She has also written for The Washington Post, Salon, Huffington Post, and Newsweek, among others. In her private practice, she helps people build deeper relationships—including friendships—and cultivate more of what they want, even with life's inevitable challenges. Find Emma's newsletter on Substack: "Hope is the New Hot" and she's on Instagram @emmanadlerwrites.

Resources and links mentioned in the episode:

• Emma's article in Next Avenue, "5 Ways to be a More Generous Friend"
• Emma's memoir, The Unlikely Village of Eden
• Emma's first episode on Dear Nina, "How to Support a Friend Facing an Ambiguous Loss"
• "Most generous interpretation" -- a concept discussed often by Dr. Becky Kennedy
• Anna Goldfarb's second episode on Dear Nina, "The 14-Day Friendship Cleanse"
• Anna Goldfarb's book, Modern Friendship
• Olga Khazan's articles: "The Friendship Paradox" and "Stop Firing Your Friends"
• Our friend Debra's instagram: @fortheloveofcookbooks
• Previous episode with Jill Smokler and battling cancer and how friends can show up in support

PLEASE NOTE: Listening to this podcast in no way creates a client/therapist relationship with Emma Nadler. This is educational in nature. No legal, counseling, or other professional services are being rendered and nothing is intended to provide such services or advice of any kind. If you are having a mental health emergency, please contact 911 or go to your nearest emergency room. You can also text or call 988 for the National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.

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My guest is author Kay Paschal, who shares her story of having a really tight group of friends in her 20s who welcomed her back in after decades of little time together. Now retired, Kay is reflective on friendships in a way that inspired me. I think you'll enjoy what she has to say.

Some other points discussed in the episode:

• This very natural fade is somewhat related to episode #109 with Dr. Miriam Kirmayer about "quiet quitting." Kay and I are discussing reviving those friendships when it might fill out your social world in a different stage of life.
• Friendships fade when "the third place" disappears. (Example: You're no longer on the bleachers together watching the kids play baseball.)
• The often quoted study about replacing friends every seven years. (Comes up in many episodes!)
• Avoid burning a bridge in relationships.
• Developing an "open-door policy" in your mindset about past friendships
• Look for a friend, not a group.
• Thank that friend who does so much of the planning and inviting! (Shout out to Kay's friend, Linda.)
• The natural feelings of wondering why you weren't invited when certain members of a group get together without you.
• Kay: "You can't invite 10 people to everything you do."

Meet Kay Paschal:

After founding and owning 2 private preschools for 25 years in Atlanta, Kay started a new career by writing a book and speaking to moms and women's organizations and participating in parenting conferences around the country. Kay's book, Insert Giggle Giggle: Laughing Your Way through Raising Kids and Running a Business was recognized by Zibby Owens Media as a Finalist, Best Book for the Parent. Kay also hosts a podcast on Spotify, Kay's Gigglecast, with short, 10-minute grabs on women issues that are easy to consume while multi-tasking through your day. Find Kay on her website and on Instagram.  

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In today's episode, a perfect follow-up to last week's episode on the importance of hobbies for the empty nest and retirement, Julia and I discussed these activity-based and creative "medical" solutions to the post-30s friendship struggles that are so commonplace nowadays as people live far from previous friends and family, work remotely, and spend more time than ever on screens.

WHAT IS SOCIAL PRESCRIBING? In Julia's words, "Social, in the public health context, is about everything in a person's environment from where they live, to how they cope with stress, to what their job is like, and whether it fulfills them. All of these things boil down to what are called your social determinants of health. We have data showing that up to 80% of our health is determined by these social factors. What social prescribing then refers to is any non-medical community-based activity or resource that is prescribed to improve your health and well-being."

MY FAVORITE QUOTE IN THE BOOK: “This book is guided by real patients' lived experiences, but everyone's lived experience is different. In fact, that's what social prescribing is all about. Instead of what's the matter with you, a fixed list of symptoms, it focuses on what matters to you."

MEET JULIA HOTZ

Julia Hotz is a solutions journalist and author of THE CONNECTION CURE: The Prescriptive Power of Movement, Nature, Art, Service and Belonging (Simon & Schuster). The book has been featured in NBC, BBC, Scientific American, NPR, GOOP, The Good Life Project and more. Find Julia on socialprescribing.co and Instagram.

LINKS MENTIONED IN THE EPISODE

• Study showing we lose half of our friends every seven years.
• Skip the Small Talk events are grounded in psychology research that help strangers get to know each other and help with practicing vulnerability in conversation.
• Dear Nina: The (Facebook) Group where we have been compiling a great list of hobbies have started and groups people have joined.

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Those words are from guests Dara Collins and Donna Kassman, queens of mahjong and canasta. Maybe a game is not your thing, that's okay. There is a new (or old!) passion out there waiting for you. I started playing tennis again when I was 44. I'm 47 now and had not played since I was 15. It's been an immense joy and a surprising expansion of my social life too.

Hobbies are an investment in your future retirement and empty nest social life. And socializing at all ages is important for combating loneliness and keeping your brain active. Did you love a sport or activity as a kid, but you've neglected that hobby (or any non-work, non-family passion) as an adult? This episode is for you!

We have two messages today about hobbies and friendship: 

#1. Get involved in hobbies when you're still in a full and busy stage of life. You're planting seeds for later!

#2. But it's never too late to get involved in a new hobby.

Meet Dara Collins and Donna Kassman

Dara and Donna are two friends and former attorneys in South Florida who met when their now 23-year-olds were in Mommy and Me classes. In 2019, they created Mahjong Dice™ and began their small business with a beautiful roll on ModernMahjong.com. They expanded into many other mahjong and canasta items, including books on both subjects, and links and opportunities to find teachers and join tournaments. They also organize tournaments and teach throughout the year. Find Modern Mahjong on Instagram, on their Facebook page, and through their Mahjong Community Facebook group of over 47,000 people. 

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Dr. Ruth was determined to help people suffering from loneliness and dysfunctional friendships, and I believe this book accomplishes that task. We just need everyone to read it! I underlined parts of every chapter and folded over MANY pages because I adore Dr. Ruth's straightforward, solution-oriented advice.

For this episode, I forced myself to choose, what in my opinion, are the top 8 no-nonsense Dr. Ruth friendship nuggets of pure wisdom I'm certain will help you with your friendships the most. They're already helping me since finishing the book and recording this episode with Allison, who so beautifully represents and embodies Dr. Ruth's words.

MEET ALLISON GILBERT: 

Allison Gilbert is an Emmy Award-winning journalist and author. She is co-author of The Joy of Connections: 100 Ways to Beat Loneliness and Live a Happier and More Meaningful Life with world-renowned therapist Dr. Ruth Westheimer. Find Allison on Instagram, Facebook, and X.

The two NYT articles mentioned in the episode:

• "Dr. Ruth Saved People’s Sex Lives. Now She Wants to Cure Loneliness." 
• "Long After ‘Sexually Speaking,’ Dr. Ruth Taught Me About Friendship" 

The top 8 no-nonsense friendship tips from Dr. Ruth that Allison and I covered in much more detail in the episode are listed on dearninafriendship.com. 

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There is something real happening in that freshman year, specifically the first three weeks, that is magical for friend making. I saw it while dropping off my son for his freshmen year of college in August, and I remember it from my own freshmen year. 

I'm grateful to former guest, Gretchen Rubin, (who also recently dropped off a child for freshmen year) for sharing a 2015 NYT article in her newsletter by Nicholas A Christakis called "Making Friends in New Places." Christakis described in more detail what exactly is happening in those first three weeks. I did not imagine it just a few months ago during the initial college move in days. 

While adult life cannot replicate those three weeks in exactly the same way, I have some ideas about how we can take what's essential about that vulnerable time and use it to our advantage as adults when we're in periods of having to make new friends or just wanting to get out of a friend rut. 

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Consider this episode an introduction to the Enneagram and a reminder that each of us is wired differently through nature, nurture, and life's experiences. Understanding ourselves on a deep level helps us be better friends because it gives us more patience and grace for others. The Enneagram is one tool towards that goal.

There are many resources online about Enneagram tests and more. I took a free quiz here. Please note: I have no idea how this site compares to others!

Meet Christina S. Wilcox:

Christina is a 26-year-old author, mental health advocate, enneagram expert, and creative in Denver, Colorado. You may recognize her from her first book Take Care of Your Type: An Enneagram Guide to Self-Care, or from one of her Instagram graphics created for over 90K followers. Find Christina on her website, her podcast, her Youtube channel, and of course on Instagram.

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🔎 Want to work with me or need another link? That’s probably here.

LINKS MENTIONED:

The 20 questions my husband uses for self-reflection around Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. 

The article I wrote for Kveller in 2014, “Waiting For an Apology That Will Never Come”

The article I wrote for The Jewish Daily Forward in 2013, “The Benefit of the Doubt for the New Year”

Other episodes featuring my mom: 

• The Friend Who Will Only Text
• When Friends Ask Questions You Don’t Want to Answer
• Widowhood and Friendship

Two quotes by Maggie Smith in her book, Keep Moving: 

“Maybe we say ‘holding a grudge’ because that kind of resentment is a heavy thing you have to wrap your arms around to carry. Holding it weighs you down, not the other person. Set it down anytime. Right now, for instance. Keep moving.”“Expect that what you tend to will grow. Expect that what you feed with your care and attention, what you shine your light on, will thrive. Choose wisely. Keep moving.”

Quote from my mom on grudges:

“Well, you’ve heard this before. People say that holding a grudge weighs you down, not the other person. So that’s how forgiveness is tied into grudge holding. If you can forgive somebody and keep moving forward, it’s much better for you psychologically.”

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📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

🔎 Want to work with me or need another link? That’s probably here.

Meet Kate Proger:

Kate Proger, is a college planning consultant and admissions expert. With degrees in both psychology and educational testing, as well as executive function coach training, Kate has helped hundreds of students find the university that is their perfect fit. (We discuss at length that there is more than one "right" fit.) Find Kate on her site: Kate Proger College Consulting.

We discussed:

• Book mentioned---Where You Go Is Not Who You Will Be: An Antidote to the College Admissions Mania by Frank Bruni 
• Sharing information or not about where you're applying--privacy vs. intimacy
• Understanding that everyone has reasons for their list (budgets, distance, etc.). We cannot assume we know what's going on behind closed doors 
• Being happy for your friends (or your friends' kids) when admissions decisions arrive
• The potential for parents to make some new friends in this next stage of parenting
• New social opportunities for college students to seek more of what you liked socially in high school and less of what you didn't enjoy
• The reality of kids "soiling the nest" before they leave or sometimes the exact opposite happens (glorifying the next)

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

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In The Letter Spotlight series I'll be reading one anonymous letter from my inbox every six weeks or so and sharing my answer. Last month's letter was about issues between sisters-in-law.

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Listeners will appreciate James's sense of humor, heart, and practical tips for understanding each of our friends as individuals and considering the people in our community who could use an invitation.

James, like many GenX neurodivergent people, had no diagnoses until later in adult life. He says, "In writing my recent book, I step back and connect disparate laments in public discourse (weak community, weak friendships, weak family ties, shallow approaches to fun and dating, junk food, impulse-driven diets) back to our very American, hyper-individualistic approach to life in general. We are settlers on our own personal frontiers, I like to say. We curate, personalize, and edit everything. And it's not working out too well for many of us—this unstructured, de-ritualized life of infinite opportunity and lonely stumbling. We try hard to curate our social worlds as executive editor instead of letting them build through giving and receiving our time organically. I was the worst at this in my twenties. I curated an austere, monkish life that was not good for me or anyone. Monks have far more community than I experienced! And more friends!" 

Meet James F. Richardson:

James F. Richardson is a Ph.D. cultural anthropologist who has studied American society for twenty years as a market research consultant. Recently, the author of a new nonfiction book – Our Worst Strength: American Individualism and Its Hidden Discontents - questions our approach to individualism as a way of life. He lives in Tucson, Arizona, where he writes a weekly Substack — Homo Imaginari — for a growing international readership.

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

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📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

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Let's say you know that a friendship has run its course, but the friend has done nothing wrong. How do we go about distancing from a friend or ending a friendship? How do we process it when we feel a friend withdrawing? How do we negotiate conflict or transitions that are going to come up in many friendships?

Meet Dr. Miriam Kirmayer:

Dr. Miriam Kirmayer is a clinical psychologist, leading friendship expert, and one of the most influential speakers on human connection and social support. Find free friendship resources on her site and follow her on Instagram and LinkedIn.

We discussed:

• Most people have been on both sides of the "quiet quitting" equation
• How quiet quitting differs from ghosting
• When quiet quitting is a good strategy and when it is not
• Why we are both strongly against using "quiet quitting" to test a friend
• Friends cannot read our minds!
• The struggle many people have to initiate plans, but respecting friends' strengths (and not expecting friends to do things exactly the way we do them)
• Quiet quitting has its place, but it can also be a sign of an inability to have a vulnerable or direct conversation because of a lack of practice or opportunity to do so.
• Downgrades in friendships vs. dissolutions
• How to avoid burning a bridge with friends (or old friends)
• "Quiet quitting works until it doesn't." You might have to be more direct at some point. We discussed some kind ways to do so. 

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Money can be an enormous issue between friends, which is why I'm revisiting my conversation with Shondaland.com staff writer, Mia Brabham Nolan. We discussed ways to make talking about finances with friends less awkward. Some of the solutions apply to any topic that's normally private and therefore tough to handle in friendships. Keeping so many topics taboo in a friendship can make the relationship feel surface and lacking in many ways. It might be worth making finances an "approved" topic. 

We discussed: 

• Our nostalgia about spending time with friends in less expensive ways
• Splitting the bill with friends (or not)
• The expense of being in a friend's wedding or traveling to a friend's event 
• The expectations around baby showers and other events
• Planning group trips and the budget issues involved 
• The awkwardness in talking about money, but also the opportunity. These honest discussions can deepen a friendship and encourage openness about other topics, too.  

The two pieces of Mia's in Shondaland.com we specifically discussed in depth:

"How Much Are Your Friendships Costing You"

"The Art of Friendship: How to Open Up About Money"

Meet Mia Brabham Nolan

Mia Brabham Nolan is currently a staff writer at Shondaland.com. She pens the series "Joy Makers" and "The Art of Friendship." Her debut book, Note to Self, which is a short collection of life lessons, is in the hands of readers all over the world. Instagram, Twitter, bymiabrabham.com

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📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

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Let me first say, I have a wonderful relationship with my sisters-in-law. I'm lucky! I was still able to take what I know about getting along (or not) with friends and relate it to the sister-in-law problem that listeners and readers keep writing to me about. 

In this new series, The Letter Spotlight, I'll be sharing one letter every six weeks or so and sharing my answer. The way I answer this month's letter about sisters-in-law also applies to roommates, neighbors, and cousins---relationships that aren't quite friendships but could be (and don't have to be for a successful and happy connection). 

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I spoke to writer and podcaster, Meghan Judge, about her experience being dropped by an entire group of friends in a small community. This happened in her adult life (and not that long ago). Meghan takes us through her story of becoming friends with this group, all that happened when the friendships fell apart, and how she's taking care of her mental health now. With compassion and humor, Meghan gives hope to others who have experienced the same pain.

Note: the David Sedaris essay we discussed is "Consider the Stars" from Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim

Meet Meghan Judge:

Meghan is a trauma survivor who covers PTSD, mental health, and suicide prevention on her show Judging Meghan. Through interviews with other survivors, she has learned that there is a way out. "From recovering to surviving and thriving, we all have the strength to come out to the other side." Follow Meghan on Instagram @judgingmeghan

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

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📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

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Yes, it's true that with extra time you can cover more ground, but it's still worth making an effort to hangout in person even for one meal, one walk, or one excursion.

This sounds obvious, but so many people are waiting for the perfect time and life conditions to spend time with their long distance friends. Don't wait. Even a little bit of time goes a long way.

In this short episode, I also celebrated three years of podcasting, announced two new behind-the-scenes team members and two new types of episodes that will appear regularly in the podcast feed.

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

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Jill and I had a candid conversation about her diagnosis, her decision to step away from her post-Scary Mommy work, and what she wants her kids to know about friendship. Jill also had specific advice for anyone with a friend who is diagnosed with cancer---what is most helpful, what is least helpful, and everything in between.

For updates on Jill (and for her humor and candor!) follow her on Instagram and Threads --both @jillsmokler.

Links mentioned:

• The recent today.com piece on Jill's diagnosis and the rise of Scary Mommy
• Jill's books: Confessions of a Scary Mommy and Scary Mommy's Guide to Surviving the Holidays
• She's Got Issues: the podcast and online magazine Jill founded
• My two visits on She's Got Issues: "Friendship-- Mistakes & Hard Lessons Learned" and "Friendship Breakups: Accepting When a Friendship is Over"
• Jill's previous visit to Dear Nina: "Old School Blogging Friendships"
• Kate Bowler's book, No Cure For Being Human (And Other Truths I Need to Hear)

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

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📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

🔎 Want to work with me or need another link? That’s probably here.

We covered:

• Some personal friendship "meet-cutes" that mean more to us than our former romantic meet-cutes. Yes, our stories include blazers and jackets. 
• The leather jackets in my best friend Taryn's closet that I coveted as a teen.
• The very special friends who send you fashion links to help you in your fashion emergencies or just because they're thinking about you.
• Making the first friendship move no matter how awkward it can be to put yourself out there
• Knowing that our personalities (and therefore being friends with us) are not for everyone 

Meet Rachel Levy Lesser:

Rachel was the host for this episode! She's the woman behind the mic at Life's Accessories: The Podcast. Rachel is also the author of Life’s Accessories, A Memoir (And Fashion Guide) Her articles and essays have appeared all over the internet and in various anthologies, and she's one of my favorite new friends in the past few years. (Yes, I added that to her official bio.) Find Life's Accessories on Instagram and Facebook.

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

📢 This week’s fabulous sponsor + how to purchase ad space on Dear Nina

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

🔎 Want to work with me or need another link? That’s probably here.

Meet Shasta Nelson:

Shasta Nelson is a leading expert and author on social relationships, speaking across the country and facilitating events to build belongingness and human connection. She's a contributor to the Harvard Business Review and has been quoted in several publications, including Forbes, the New York Times, and TIME magazine; and she has been interviewed live on dozens of TV shows, such as the Today Show and Steve Harvey Show. Shasta's new podcast is Friendtimacy: More Fulfilling Friendships. Find Shasta on Instagram, Facebook, LinkedIn.

Some of the topics we covered:

• Conflict can be a portal to closeness once issues are addressed.
• Expressing a problem to friends gives them the opportunity to explain themselves. If you're not going to bring up your hurt feelings or your issue, it's on you to work on forgiveness even though your friend hasn't been given the opportunity to ask for forgiveness.
• When to let things go vs. when to be direct with your friend
• Vulnerability is important in friendships, which includes being honest with friends when you're upset with them and letting friends know where you're sensitive in general.
• When we feel lonely, scared, or nervous we look for reasons to confirm those feelings.
• The issue of parents overprotecting their kids from hurt feelings for so long that even into young adulthood their children cannot handle even the tiniest bit of friendship conflict.
• Friendship is a major investment in time, energy, and emotion. Being honest with a friend about an issue you're having with the friendship protects the time "investment" you've already made.
• How writing and talking about friendships affects Shasta's friendships (and I answered that one too).
• When a friendship is no longer worth fighting for
• Tough conversations get a little easier with practice and strengthen your health!

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

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📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

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The questions came from my anonymous inbox, my Facebook group (Dear Nina: The Group), or through Instagram and TikTok-- both @dearninafriendship.

I had a great time answering questions and I couldn't even get to everything so I will keep doing these every so often.

Some of the topics I covered in under 30 minutes:

• Be more direct with friends
• Awkwardness after ending a friendship
• Friendship trios, rectangles
• Letting friends hangout without you
• Don’t assume friends operate like you do
• “Best” friends as a difficult term
• Teens who never make plans
• Not ditching certain friends for the "popular" friend 
• Friends who dismiss a topic that you're trying to discuss 
• Some of my friendship history
• And more!

Links mentioned in the episode:

• Reconnecting with an Ex-Friend: Rebecca Kotok
• When Your Friend’s Kid is Being Mean to Your Kid: Taryn Kessel
• Friends Will Hang Out Without You: Taryn Kessel

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In this special episode of Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship, I have voicemails from campers and former campers ages 15-50, and I have a fantastic in-depth discussion about the highs (and lows) of camp friendships with author, Dara Levan, whose new novel, It Could Be Worse, features an important camp bond in a character's otherwise traumatic childhood.

Meet Dara Levan: Dara, a South Florida-based writer, is the creator and host of Every Soul Has a Story, a podcast in which she interviews inspiring people from around the globe. Sign up for Dara's newsletter here, and find Dara on Instagram @dara.levan.

Some of the topics we covered:

• Not every aspect of camp is good-- cliques are an issue at camp just like everywhere else, maybe more so.
• Single sex vs co-ed camps
• Jonathan Haidt's new book, The Anxious Generation, discusses the dangers of a screen-based childhood and a childhood with no autonomy. Camp helps solve both of these issues, at least while kids are there. 
• Conflicts at camp have to be dealt with by the kids, with some help from staff. Parents aren't there to fix every social disappointment, though they definitely try now more than ever.
• Are pictures ruining camp?
• Are counselors sending news home (with their phones) ruining the "camp bubble"?
• The word "intense" came up in every voicemail--in a good way.
• At camp you have rare access to older role models
• The humility that's developed through learning so many new skills and not always being the best
• "Lifelong friends" came up in several voicemails as well as "camp friends are the best friends."

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

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📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

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📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

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By the end of this episode, you will have a healthier frame for thinking through your friendships, and you'll know why I became friends with Anna after her visit to the podcast almost two years ago when we talked about lopsided friendships.

Meet Anna Goldfarb:

Anna Goldfarb is the Philadelphia-based journalist and author of Modern Friendship: How to Nurture Our Most Valued Connections. Her work has appeared in The New York Times, Vice, TIME, The Cut and more. Follow Anna on twitter @AnnaGoldfarb and on Instagram.

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

📢 This week’s fabulous sponsor + how to purchase ad space on Dear Nina

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

🔎 Want to work with me or need another link? That’s probably here.

I'm saying "us" because I'm here assessing right along with you as I'm trying to be the friend I want to be and have friendships in my life that feel fulfilling.

The 5 questions also make good journal prompts. Each question deserves more time than I can give them on the podcast. I've personally found as a writing teacher (and a lifelong writing student) that putting pen to paper or fingers to the keyboard brings unexpected answers to the surface. The questions are listed below so that you don't have to write them down while listening.

Full show notes with the 5 questions listed and other related links can be found here: https://ninabadzin.com/2024/05/27/5-questions-to-evaluate-your-friendships/

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

📢 This week’s fabulous sponsor + how to purchase ad space on Dear Nina

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

🔎 Want to work with me or need another link? That’s probably here.

This week's guest, Estelle Erasmus, shares her experience with genetic hearing loss that began in her 20s and stayed a secret long after she started wearing hearing aids. In her piece for Shondaland.com, "I'm Learning to Listen in New Ways" Estelle shares the stress of keeping that secret from friends and the deep relief of telling the truth. I'm grateful to share her perspective with Dear Nina listeners.

Meet Estelle:

Estelle Erasmus, author of Writing That Gets Noticed: Find Your Voice, Become a Better Storyteller, Get Published (June 2023), is a professor of writing at NYU, the host of the Freelance Writing Direct podcast, and a contributing editor for Writer's Digest. She has appeared on Good Morning America and has had her articles discussed on The View. She received the 2023 NYU School of Professional Studies Teaching Excellence Award, a 2023 Zibby Award for Best Book for the Writer, is in Poets & Writers “Best Books for Writers”, and is an American Society of Journalists and Authors award winner. Learn more at www.EstelleSErasmus.com (and receive a free pitching guide). Also, follow Estelle on Instagram, TikTok, and X, and sign up for her Substack of craft advice, stories and opportunities at estelleserasmus.substack.com

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

📢 This week’s fabulous sponsor + how to purchase ad space on Dear Nina

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

🔎 Want to work with me or need another link? That’s probably here.

In celebration of Gretchen's paperback release of Life in Five Senses: How Exploring the Senses Got Me Out of My Head and Into the World, I am replaying our episode from about a year ago. I found my favorite parts of the episode and put it together. 

We covered:

• The art of listening for what is being said and what is not being said in conversations with friends.
• The sound, sight, and touch of mixtapes plus our attempt to hatch a new business idea. 
• The sound and touch of mahjong
• The joy of tasting parties
• The nostalgia inherent in taste or even discussing foods we used to eat with friends
• The distracting sight of friends checking their phones and watches
• The sight of friends' faces and the emotions we read on their faces
• Making plans to see sights with friends and the memories created
• Hugging friends! (I've gotten better at this since we first spoke.)
• And we took a quick dip into The Four Tendencies for me to share my husband being the Upholder of all Upholders.
• Take the "most neglected sense" quiz here. 

Meet Gretchen Rubin

Gretchen Rubin is one of today’s most influential observers of happiness and human nature. She’s the author of many books, including the blockbuster New York Times bestsellers Life in Five Senses, Outer Order, Inner Calm; The Four Tendencies; Better Than Before; and The Happiness Project. Her books have sold more than 3.5 million copies worldwide, in more than thirty languages. She hosts the top-ranking, award-winning podcast “Happier with Gretchen Rubin,” where she explores practical solutions for living a happier life. Raised in Kansas City, she lives in New York City with her husband and two daughters. You can find everything you need at gretchenrubin.com. 

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

📢 This week’s fabulous sponsor + how to purchase ad space on Dear Nina

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Topics we covered:

• There is no right or wrong in how much to talk or how much to share. The words "over" or "under" signal a potential mismatch in conversation styles. 
• The connection between overtalking and over-explaining (the fear of being misunderstood).
• Ways to sense when someone is ready to move beyond small talk.
• How the dynamics of managing new friendship conversations is similar to flirting
• Some lessons from storytelling include: an awareness of "airtime," listening attentively (no phone), not confusing your friends for your audience. 
• It takes work to share with friends, and it takes work to listen.
• Flexibility between deep and casual conversations is a sign of true intimacy in a friendship.
• Learning not to take responsibility for the success of every conversation. (That one was for me to work on myself!)

Meet Micaela Blei, PhD: 

Micaela has been teaching, studying and performing true, personal storytelling worldwide since 2012. She is a two-time Moth GrandSLAM winner and former founding Director of Education at The Moth. She’s currently the visiting professor of Storytelling at the Salt Institute for Documentary Studies in Portland, Maine, and a story editor for history, comedy and true crime shows at Wondery.

Micaela’s own storytelling can be heard on The Moth Radio Hour and podcast, Family Ghosts, Risk! and many others. Her Audible Original memoir, “You Will Not Recognize Your Life,” will be released on Audible later this year. Find out more, and hear more stories, at micaelablei.com. 

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

📢 This week’s fabulous sponsor + how to purchase ad space on Dear Nina

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

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📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

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Meet Roxanne Francis, MSW, RSW: Roxanne is a Registered Social Worker and psychotherapist. She is the CEO of Francis Psychotherapy & Consulting Services, where she runs a busy group therapy practice with her team. She is also a keynote speaker, leadership coach and corporate consultant who addresses topics related to women’s issues, race & equity, mental health, parenting, and wellness at work. 

The five categories of friendship issues we covered:

#1. You feel you have no friends.

#2. You struggle to keep friends because friends are ghosting you.

#3. You struggle to keep friends because you often cut people out of your life.

#4. The majority of your friendships are happening through a screen.

#5. Protecting your boundaries has become extreme, making it difficult to connect with friends and community.

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

📢 This week’s fabulous sponsor + how to purchase ad space on Dear Nina

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

🔎 Want to work with me or need another link? That’s probably here.

Why? The big "stuff" is much more black and white, and we don't need much conversation around whether to stay friends.

Today I also have a big instagram tip if you're looking to change your Instagram handle. I changed mine to @dearninafriendship. Instagram doesn't make it all that simple if you have tons of links in the world leading to your old handle (which I do). I explain it all in the episode.

LINKS MENTIONED:

• I was guest on the We're Not Fine podcast with Dr. Talia Jackson and Doug Jensen. "Your Friend Hurt You, Is Your Friendship Salvageable?"
• I was also a guest on The AWEd Life Podcast. "Expanding Our Friendships in Different Stages of Life" (with a big focus on midlife and early empty nester life)
• My friend Emily of The Connected Mom Life gave me the positive push and advice to change my instagram handle to @dearninafriendship.

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

📢 This week’s fabulous sponsor + how to purchase ad space on Dear Nina

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

🔎 Want to work with me or need another link? That’s probably here.