Shrugs, grunts, and silence often stand in the way of the conversations parents want to have. Add in timing issues, big emotions, and the pull of devices, and it’s easy to feel like communication is impossible.

Photo by Kindel Media via Pexels

But it’s not. Boys want connection — even if they don’t show it. With the right approach, parents can create moments where boys are more likely to listen and share. Paying attention to timing (before bed may be better than after school), providing snacks, and watching for signs of openness can help you find the best opportunities.

It also helps to balance the “transactional” talk — reminders about chores, schoolwork, or sports gear — with “relational” conversations that build trust. And when boys withdraw or respond with irritation, remember that there’s often sadness, worry, or shame behind the mask. Responding with patience, and repairing after conflict, models the lifelong communication skills our kids need most.

Takeaways:

• Timing matters — choose moments when he’s most receptive
• Snacks can open the door to conversation
• Balance management talk with genuine connection
• Don’t take grunts or shutdowns personally — look for what’s behind them
• Repair after conflict builds stronger bonds and teaches lifelong skills

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Talk With Boys Like a Pro (About Anything & Everything!) – Register here 

Talking to Tween & Teen Boys — ON BOYS episode

Rosalind Wiseman on How to Talk with Boys — ON BOYS episode

Talk to Boys– A Conversation with Christopher Pepper & Joanna Schroeder – Building Boys Substack Live

You’re not alone — and there is a way forward.

In this third episode of our special 3-part ON BOYS series, we focus on how to foster intrinsic (inner) motivation in boys. Because yes, it’s in there — even when it feels completely buried.

We’ll help you understand the difference between intrinsic and extrinsic motivation, and why both matter. You’ll hear real-world examples from our own lives and families, plus honest talk about what doesn’t work. (Spoiler: there’s no magic phrase that makes a boy suddenly say, “Sure, I’d love to do my homework!”).

Photo By: Kaboompics.com via Pexels

Takeaways:

• Inner motivation is the key to lasting engagement.
• External rewards (ice cream, screen time, earrings!) can work in the short term — even for adults.
• Understanding your son’s developmental stage helps you support him more effectively.
• Motivation-building strategies will look different for each child — even within the same family.
• Parents can boost motivation by aligning with boys’ goals and interests.

his episode is part of our lead-up to the Boost Boys’ Motivation interactive class:

3 live sessions in May 2025 with real-time Q&A, strategies, support & community.

 Register now at boysalive.com/boost

Use coupon code ONBOYS to save $50 (just $99 for all three sessions!)

If you’ve ever wanted to jump into the conversation with us — this is your chance.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Empowering Boys & Dyslexic Learners — ON BOYS episode

How Your Anxiety is Sabotaging Your Son’s Motivation — ON BOYS episode

Boost Boys’ Motivation — ON BOYS episode

We know: You want your son to do his homework. To follow through on commitments. To care.

So, when he shrugs, resists, or just doesn’t seem to try, your anxiety spikes — and before you even know what’s happening, you’re caught in a spiral of worry about his future.

In this episode of ON BOYS, we talk about one of the most overlooked (but most powerful!) factors in boosting boys’ motivation: your mindset.

This episode is the second in our special three-part series on Boys & Motivation. (Find part one here.) We’re diving into the pressure parents feel, the unspoken fear that drives us, and how those feelings affect the way we interact with our sons. Plus, we share why community is key and how coming together with other parents can help you show up more effectively for your boy.

Photo by Kindel Media via Pexels

Takeaways:

• Parents’ fear & anxiety can get in the way of helping boys develop motivation
• Boys change constantly — avoid future-tripping!
• There are concrete, supportive ways parents can help build a motivating environment
• Releasing the pressure (internal and external) makes space for progress

Want more support? Join us for Boost Boys’ Motivation: How to Ignite His Spark (Without Nagging or Yelling) — a 3-session live series starting May 6, 2025.

Use code ONBOYS to save $50 → boysalive.com/boost

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Overcoming Fears & Worries to Say YES — ON BOYS episode

Parent from Love, Not Fear (w Bryan Post) — ON BOYS episode

Doing so, though, starts with understanding why so boys are unmotivated. A big part of it is developmental: apathy and an “I don’t care/I don’t wanna” attitude commonly show up around puberty. As boy grow from boyhood to adulthood, they begin to question their priorities, interests, and goals. That’s a good thing! AND, it can be incredibly frustrating for parents and teachers who can’t see the behind-the-scenes work, who only see a once-motivated boy pulling back from previous interests and failing to to complete his homework or chores.

Photo by Tima Miroshnichenko

Takeaways:

• Apparent lack of motivation is common during boys’ tween & teen years
• Approaching boys with understanding is a lot more effective than nagging
• Parents and teachers can boost boys’ motivation
• 
  

REGISTER FOR THIS 3-SESSION SERIES (begins May 6th)

CLICK HERE: Boost Boys Motivation: How to Ignite His Spark (Without Nagging or Yelling) i

Use coupon code ONBOYS to save $50.

https://boysalive.com/boost

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Adam Price: “He’s Not Lazy” — ON BOYS episode

Listener Q & A: Getting Curious & Motivating Boys — ON BOYS episode

Maggie Dent on How to Motivate Boys — ON BOYS episode

Passion = Motivation = Learning — Building Boys Bulletin 2-14-22

Over the past seven years, we’ve talked to guests from around the globe: Maggie Dent, Michael Gurian, Amy Lang, ADHD Dude Ryan Wexelblatt, Steve Biddulph, Richard V. Reeves, Ruth Whippman, and so, so many others.

We’re talked about puberty, porn, school, ADHD, autism, entrepreneurism, motivation, sports, suicide, consent, respect, dating, and – again — so, so much more.

Jen’s boys grew up in that time. Her youngest is now 19; her oldest, 27. Janet became an Oma (a grandma) — and is looking forward to welcoming two more grandchildren this year! Boys’ & men’s issues are now part of national and international conversations, and we hope those conversations fuel continued change. Boys need and deserve our love and support too.

This will be the last Jen-and-Janet episode of ON BOYS podcast. We’ve loved sharing our lives & learning with you, and we thank you for trusting us with your questions and stories.

Remember: We’ve got seven years of content in our archives! When a new boy-raising concern comes up, run a search in our archives. Odds are good that you’ll find something to help you through. Jen will also continue her Substack newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin, so you can connect with her there. Janet will also continue family coaching — and soon, Jen & Janet will offer another session of their popular class, Boost Boys’ Motivation. (Want to be sure you get the info as soon as it’s available? Sign up for Building Boys Bulletin.)

Building Boys: Raising Great Guys in a World That Misunderstands Males

Get Jen’s book here

Breakthrough Session for Family Coaching

Schedule your no-cost call with Janet at https://boysalive.com/call

Science, Deb says, shown that awe isn’t just a feel-good experience—it also helps kids develop resilience, strengthen relationships, and manage stress. But in a world filled with distractions and negativity, how do we nurture awe in everyday life?

Educator and author Deborah Farmer Kris joins Jen & Janet to discuss insights from her new book, Raising Awe-Seekers: How the Science of Wonder Helps Our Kids Thrive. She explains why awe is essential for children’s emotional well-being and how simple, daily moments—like watching a sunset, listening to music, or witnessing an act of kindness—can shape a child’s perspective and growth.

“Awe helps kids zoom out,” Deborah says. “It reminds them they’re part of something bigger.” And here’s the best part: You don’t need to take your kid on an epic adventure to cultivate awe—you just need to pay attention.

Takeaways:

• Awe can motivate positive action and change.
• Awe can reduce stress and improve mental health.
• Collective experiences of awe foster community and belonging.
• Curiosity is closely linked to experiencing awe.
• Fostering curiosity in children enhances their learning capabilities. Five minutes a day with your child is protective.
• Attention restoration theory helps improve focus and learning.
• The single most common source of awe is goodness.
• Awe and wonder can transform parenting.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Raising Awe-Seekers: How The Science of Wonder Helps Our Kids Thrive, by Deborah Farmer Kris

Raising Awe-Seekers — Deborah’s Substack newsletter

Hope for Cynics: The Surprising Science of Human Goodness, by Jamil Zaki

Deborah Farmer Discusses Emotional Literacy (& Awe!) — ON BOYS episode

Building Boys: Raising Great Guys in a World That Misunderstands Males

Get Jen’s book here

Breakthrough Session for Family Coaching

Schedule your no-cost call with Janet at https://boysalive.com/call

How can you make space a small boy’s emotions when you also have other kids to keep on track?

And what do you do, exactly, when your formerly potty-trained son starts having accidents at school?

These are some of the questions Jen & Janet tackle in this Listener Q & A.

Takeaways:

• Boys often face developmental expectations that don’t align with their actual growth.
• Rough play can be a way for boys to express themselves, but it needs guidance.
• School stress and anxiety can manifest in physical symptoms 
• Potty training regressions are common and should be approached with patience.
• Creative approaches can help redirect a child’s focus during emotional outbursts.
• Parents should not feel guilty about using screen time as a tool.
• Seeking support from parenting coaches can provide valuable insights.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

The Art of Roughhousing (w Dr. Lawrence Cohen) — ON BOYS episode

Teacher Tom Talks About Boys, Emotion, & Play — ON BOYS episode

Do Schools Create “Problem Boys?” — ON BOYS episode

Myths & Misconceptions About Boys — ON BOYS episode

Building Boys: Raising Great Guys in a World That Misunderstands Males

Get Jen’s 2nd book here

Breakthrough Session for Family Coaching

Schedule your no-cost call with Janet at https://boysalive.com/call

The available evidence says yes. Collectively, our boys are struggling academically, socially, emotionally, and economically. Their academic, educational, and workforce involvement has decreased. Their suicide rates have risen. Ignoring these issues isn’t in our best interest.

Fortunately, more and more people are talking about the challenges facing boys & young men. But talking about boys’ challenges isn’t enough. We must act to improve outcomes.

Author and counselor Michael Gurian has spent the past 40 years thinking, writing about, and advocating for boys (and girls.). His latest project — Boys, A Rescue Plan: Moving Beyond the Politics of Masculinity to Healthy Male Development, a book he co-authored with Sean Kullman — outlines a path forward.

In this conversation, Michael, Janet, & Jen discuss their 7 point rescue plan:

1. Raise Boys To Thrive in a Three Family System
2. Provide Seven Nurturing Elements to Boys Who Are In Trouble
3. Train All Schools in Boy-Friendly Practices
4. Complete Your Own Classroom Citizen Science
5. Compel School Boards to Include Sex Differences in Annual Reports
6.  Decrease the Male Gender Gap in College Education
7. Build and Support Community Programs That Help Boys Thrive  

Takeaways:

• Understanding male development is crucial for effective support.
• Trauma plays a significant role in boys’ behavior.
• Education systems need to adopt boy-friendly practices.
• Data collection is crucial for understanding and addressing educational disparities.
• Citizen science allows parents and teachers to observe and improve educational environments.
• The politics of masculinity can distract from real issues.
• Solutions for boys already exist and need to be implemented. Trauma in education can stem from systemic issues.
• Community programs should actively involve boys in their development.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Boys, A Rescue Plan: Moving Beyond the Politics of Masculinity to Healthy Male Development, by Michael Gurian & Sean Kullman

Gurian Institute — online home for all things Gurian (includes links to his books, classes, & upcoming events)

www.michaelgurian.com 

Michael Gurian on Raising Boys — ON BOYS podcast episode

Global Initiative for Boys & Men — ON BOYS podcast episode featuring Michael’s Rescue Plan co-author, Sean Kullman

Global Initiative for Boys & Men

In His Words — Sean’s Substack newsletter

That’s a question Paul Cumbo, a veteran educator, has been asking for a long time. It’s one he’s well-positioned to answer too, given that he’s spent the past few decades of his life teaching, educating, and coaching teenage boys and young men. His latest book, A Path to Manhood, offers encouragement and advice to young men.

The available evidence suggests that our boys and young men need support and guidance. Too many have withdrawn from modern life, choosing to spend most of their time online. Too many feel unwanted, useless, and accused. Paul reminds boys and men that they matter. As he writes in the in the first chapter of his book, he doesn’t “buy the cultural narrative that men are simple.” He encourages young men to chart their own path through life, and shares how listeners can help boys on their journey.

Takeaways:

• Each person’s path to manhood is unique and must be navigated individually.
• Paralysis by analysis is a common issue among today’s youth.
• Boys crave to be needed and to contribute meaningfully.
• Long-term vision is essential for effective planning.
• Backtracking is a natural part of the journey.
• Transformative travel can provide profound experiences.
• Joy is deeper and more meaningful than mere happiness.
• Young men seek challenges and opportunities for growth.
• Experiences of genuine joy are crucial for well-being.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

A Path to Manhood: Encouragement and Advice for Young Men, by Paul Cumbo

paulcumbo.com

paulcumbo.substack.com/ — Paul’s Substack newsletter

Camino Institute – info re the Young Men’s International Seminar (Note: there are still some spaces left for the 3rd Annual Young Men’s International Seminar, which runs June 14-21, 2025)

Wilderness Therapy with Paul Cumbo — ON BOYS podcast episode

David Kirkland, founder & CEO of forwardED, believes it can—and research backs him up. In this episode, David challenges educators to put a deliberate focus on Black boys, not just to address persistent disparities in academic achievement and discipline, but because creating environments where Black boys thrive benefits every student.

Photo by Borce Coded via Pexels

“It’s not that Black males fail. It’s that we fail Black males,” David says. To change outcomes, we need to shift the narrative—from blaming students to examining how systems and practices fall short.

In this conversation, we explore:

• Why Black boys remain the most vulnerable student population in U.S. schools
• How the education system contributes to disparities in achievement and discipline
• The power of reframing: shifting from “fixing students” to transforming systems
• The role of funding, culturally responsive education, and policy changes in driving real progress
• How focusing on the needs of Black boys leads to better outcomes for all students

This isn’t just about equity for one group—it’s about reimagining education so every child can thrive.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

www.forward-ed.com/

Reclaiming Possibliity: An Intentional Focus on Black Boys This School Year — article by David

Can We Talk? A Critical Examination of Cellphone Bans in Schools — article by David

Black Boys Matter — ON BOYS episode

Supporting Black Boys Mental Health (w Chandra White-Cummings) — ON BOYS episode

Boys in School Task Force — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: Hello Fresh

Get 10 FREE meals at HelloFresh.com/FreeONBOYS 

“I think what saved me were men who stepped in as surrogate fathers,” Greg wrote in a recent essay. Those men weren’t exactly role models: One, Greg says, “was openly racist and bragged about having lobbed bricks from overpasses in his youth.” The other was “a middle-aged alcoholic…who regularly taught class drunk.” But both “really listened” to Greg, encouraged him, and were “genuinely proud” of his accomplishments. They connected with Great — and that, as they say, made all the difference.

Make Room for Less-Than-Perfect Men

Limiting boys’ contact with less-than-ideal role models might be harming our boys — and our men. In this conversation, Greg & Jen explore the surprising ways flawed, imperfect men can shape boys into compassionate, confident adults, as well as how we can encourage supportive connections between boys & men.

Takeaways:

• Surrogate father figures can have a profound impact on young men’s lives.
• Red flags in behavior should be assessed with context, not stigma.
• Accountability from mentors can guide young men towards better choices.
• Community involvement is essential in raising boys to be good men.
• Engaging in a child’s interests can strengthen bonds.
• Many men feel unqualified to mentor young people.
• Our culture often discourages intergenerational connections.
• Being present in a young person’s life can have a significant impact.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Stop Ignoring the Mental Health of Young Men — Greg’s essay

In Praise of Imperfect Men — Building Boys Bulletin post by Jen

What About Less-Than-Ideal Role Models? — Building Boys post by Jen

Sponsor Spotlight: Hello Fresh

Get 10 FREE meals at HelloFresh.com/FreeONBOYS 

Do you know how to use it your (and your kids’!) benefit?

 “Because of children’s dependency on their parents, any parental remark – positive or negative – gets magnified in the child’s mind,” says Adam Galinsky, a social scientist, business school professor, dad of two boys, and author of Inspire: The Universal Path for Leading Yourself & Others. That’s the parent amplification effect.

“An offhand compliment can inspire a lifelong passion, while a critical comment may lead a child to abandon an activity altogether,” Adam says. 

In this conversation, Adam, Jen, & Janet discuss how parents can use their words to positively impact their children.

Takeaways:

• Our words have meaning, but we won’t always say the right thing.
• Offhand comments can have lasting effects on a child’s self-esteem.
• Parents are not perfect and will make mistakes.
• Children are always observing, even when we think they aren’t listening.
• Awareness of our impact as parents is crucial for effective communication.
• Guilt can be constructive, while shame can be harmful.
• Children are resilient and can overcome negative experiences.
• We can learn to be more inspiring leaders and parents.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Inspire: The Universal Path for Leading Yourself & Others

How to Speak Up for Yourself — Adam’s TED talk

Listen to Boys & Young Men – ON BOYS episode

Nonverbal Communication with Boys — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: IXL

The world’s most popular subscription-based learning site for K–12! Get 20% off at ixl.com/TODAY. Check out IXL and use code TODAY for a great deal.

Sponsor Spotlight: Hello Fresh

Get 10 FREE meals at HelloFresh.com/FreeONBOYS 

Dr. Way has spent 40 years studying boys and uncovering the challenges they face as they navigate societal expectations of strength, autonomy, and self-reliance. Her research shows that these cultural messages undermine boys’ natural relational intelligence and hinder their ability to build and sustain deep friendships.

In this episode, Dr. Way dives into the critical role of relationships in mental health and human flourishing—not just for boys, but for all of us. She explains how cultural norms, rather than biology, shape male behavior and outlines practical steps parents and educators can take to nurture boys’ emotional and relational capacities.

Dr. Way also shares powerful insights from her research, including the wisdom of a 7th-grade boy who noted, “When we make things biology, we think we can’t change it.” This episode is a call to rethink how we support boys—and ourselves—in building the connections we all need to thrive.

Takeaways:

• The stereotype of the self-sufficient man is damaging not only to boys but to society as a whole.
• Boys are born with the same relational intelligence as girls, but cultural conditioning suppresses it over time.
• To support boys, we need to normalize conversations about relationships and model emotional vulnerability.
• Fostering deep connections can improve mental health and combat harmful cultural narratives about masculinity.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

www.niobe-way.com

Rebels with a Cause: Reimagining Boys, Ourselves, & Our Future, by Dr. Niobe Way

Deep Secrets: Boys’ Friendships & The Crisis of Connection, by Dr. Niobe Way

Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World, by (U.S. Surgeon General) Vivek Murthy

Pink Brain, Blue Brain: How Small Differences Grow Into Troublesome Gaps – and What We Can Do About It, by Dr. Lise Eliot

When Boys Become Boys: Development, Relationships, and Masculinity, by Judy Chu

The Listening Project

Dr. Friendtastic on Boys & Friendship — ON BOYS episode

Why Now is the Best Time to Raise Boys (w Michael Reichert) — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: Hello Fresh

Get 10 FREE meals at HelloFresh.com/FreeONBOYS 

Mr. Rogers once said “Play is serious learning” and “the work of childhood,” and we and our guest, Georgie Wisen-Vincent, couldn’t agree more.

That’s not to say or imply that play is serious or work in the way that most of adults think of “serious” or “work.” Rather, it’s to underscore the fact that play — as fun as it can be! — is not a frivolity. It’s not trivial or unimportant at all. In fact, it’s absolutely vital for health human development.

“Play is essential for long-term success,” Georgie says. Yet no one really teaches parents how to engage in & support their children’s play. In this episode, we share some fun, easy strategies you can use to play with your kids.

Takeaways:

• Short moments of play can have significant developmental benefits.
• Involving children in household tasks can be a form of play.
• Play helps build emotional connections and communication skills.
• Using play can make daily routines more enjoyable for families.
• Children learn empathy and social skills through play. Repetition in play is crucial for neural development.
• Children often express emotions through playful scenarios.
• Pretend play allows children to process aggression safely.
• Joining children in play can ease transitions from screens.
• Nature provides a nurturing environment for play.
• Incorporating play into daily life strengthens family bonds.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

The Way of Play: Using Little Moments of Big Connection to Raise Calm, Confident Kids, by Tina Payne Bryson and Georgie Wisen-Vincent 

The Center for Connection

PlayStrong Institute

Teacher Tom on Connections & Play-Based Learning – ON BOYS episode

Gun Play & Boys – ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: IXL

The world’s most popular subscription-based learning site for K–12! Get 20% off at ixl.com/TODAY

Sponsor Spotlight: Hello Fresh

Get 10 FREE meals at HelloFresh.com/FreeONBOYS 

Boys today may enter puberty as early as age nine. That’s why your 10-year-old’s mood swings might actually be linked to these new hormonal shifts. As Cara Natterson and Vanessa Kroll Bennett point out in their book, This Is So Awkward: Modern Puberty Explained, the first sign of puberty often comes with a slamming door.

Why Parents Miss the First Signs

Many parents aren’t ready for male puberty. Early physical changes can be subtle, and they usually appear just as boys begin seeking more privacy. According to Vanessa, it’s entirely possible you won’t notice the initial stages of puberty until your son’s behavior shifts dramatically.

When Your 10-Year-Old Acts More Like a Teen

Puberty hormones—mainly testosterone—don’t just change bodies; they shape moods, too. Sudden spikes are associated with outbursts and that well-known “swing to silence” so many adolescent boys display. Pediatrician Cara Natterson explains these hormone surges can escalate and crash within hours, and that emotional roller coaster is often what you see when your son acts like “a jerk.”

They Dislike the Swings, Too

Kids don’t enjoy these wild ups and downs any more than you do. Their brains are awash in hormones they don’t yet know how to handle, causing confusion and moodiness. In addition, boys’ emotional regulation skills aren’t fully developed, which is why parents, teachers, and other adults need to show empathy while holding them accountable.

Offer Room to Recover

“We have to give boys the benefit of the doubt,” Vanessa advises, emphasizing that many feel ashamed after a blow-up. By giving them space to cool off, then reconnecting later, you let them know there’s a path to re-enter the conversation without judgment.

Weathering the Adolescent Storm

It’s normal to feel grief, fear, and frustration as your son navigates puberty. Boys often distance themselves from parents during this time, which can feel like rejection. Don’t forget they usually “come back” after they’ve crossed the threshold into more mature adolescence.

A Messy Yet Meaningful Journey

Yes, your son might seem smelly, messy, or downright disrespectful right now—none of which means he’ll stay that way, or that you’ve parented poorly. As Vanessa says, guiding boys toward kindness, empathy, and thoughtfulness is a winding road filled with bumps.

Respond, Don’t React

When tempers flare, remain calm. Give your son the space he needs, and circle back once he’s cooled down. Teach him about emotions in those quieter moments and seek additional help if needed. By walking alongside him, you’ll both be better prepared to handle the challenges—and rewards—of growing up.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

This is So Awkward: Modern Puberty Explained, by Cara Natterson, MD & Vanessa Kroll Bennett

lessawkward.com — Cara & Vanessa’s website (includes links to their books, newsletter, podcast, & talks)

The Puberty Podcast — Cara & Vanessa’s podcast (Don’t miss Jen on their podcast — Building Boys with Jennifer Fink)

Decoding Boys w Dr. Cara Natterson –– ON BOYS episode

The Truth About Parenting Teen Boys — the famous BuildingBoys post about 14-yr-old boys being a**holes

Puberty, Perimenopause, & Midlife Parenting — ON BOYS episode

Guy Stuff: The Body Book for Boys, by Cara Natterson

Guy Stuff Feelings: Everything You Need to Know About Your Emotions, by Cara Natterson

Sponsor Spotlight: IXL

The world’s most popular subscription-based learning site for K–12! Get 20% off at ixl.com/TODAY Check out IXL and use code TODAY for a great deal: https://www.ixl.com

Sponsor Spotlight: Hello Fresh

Get 10 FREE meals at HelloFresh.com/FreeONBOYS 

Photo by ALINA MATVEYCHEVA via Pexels

Your favorites include:

5. Needed: Boy-Friendly Schools

Tyler, a 16-year-old Texas boy, started struggling in middle school. Recess was no more. Classes were 90 minutes long. So, “he found it really hard to sit still in class,” says Julie Jargon, the Wall Street Journal Family & Tech columnist who interviewed Tyler for her series on boys and education. Now a high school student, Tyler suggests that “instead of making guys change the way they behave, maybe schools should change the way they’re structured.”

4. Middle School: Misunderstood or Magic?

“This is a very pervasive story, that middle school is terrible. But it doesn’t have to be. We make it terrible by working directly against the developmental needs of middle schoolers and designing these buildings and classes in way that make their lives really hard,” says veteran educator Chris Balme, author of Finding the Magic in Middle School: Tapping into the Power and Potential of the Middle School Years.

3. Modern Male Puberty is Awkward

Your son may well be annoying, thoughtless, disrespectful, disorganized, smelly, and messy during puberty. None of that means he’ll end up that way as an adult. And none of it means that you’re doing (or have done) something wrong.

“The path to building kind, empathic, loving, thoughtful men is a very windy, bumpy road,” Vanessa says. “And at every step of the way, it can be really tempting to lose faith.”

2. How to Raise a Healthy Gamer

“Right now, there is an antagonistic relationship between most parents & their kids around video gaming,” Dr. K says. “You think they need to cut back; they don’t think they have a problem. Then, as parents start to institute limits, children will try to undermine them. Even if you ‘win’ in this scenario, you lose.”

It’s more helpful, he says, to establish a collaborative relationship.

1. Set Boys Up for School Success

“It’s really essential that we, as parents & educators of boys, are preparing them to navigate the struggles within school,” says Dr. Todd (Jason) Feltman, author of Transforming into a Powerful Third, Fourth, or 5th Grade Navigator of School Success.  “It’s not just the academic struggles but also the socialization, the physical and emotional struggles.”

A few of our other 2024 favorites:

Color Blindness in Boys

Circumcision: Facts & Myths

FBI: Sextortion Targets Boys

Navigating Youth Mental Health in the Digital Age

Emily Edlynn on A Healthier Approach to Tech

Dr. Niobe Way on Reimaging Boys

Uplifting Black Boys Benefits All Students

Sponsor Spotlight: IXL

The world’s most popular subscription-based learning site for K–12! Get 20% off at ixl.com/TODAY

Sponsor Spotlight: Hello Fresh

Get 10 FREE meals at HelloFresh.com/FreeONBOYS 

So, it’s no surprise that our March 14 conversation with Dr. K, How to Raise a Healthy Gamer, is our Listener Fav of 2024.

Dr. K (full name: Alok Kanojia) is a psychiatrist, dad, and life-long gamer. He knows video games and know what works. He also has deep compassion for gamers & their families. If you haven’t yet read his book, How to Raise a Healthy Gamer: End Power Struggles, Break Bad Screen Habits, and Transform Your Relationship with Your Kids, we highly recommend it!

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

How to Raise a Healthy Gamer: End Power Struggles, Break Bad Screen Habits, and Transform Your Relationship with Your Kids, by Alok Kanojia (aka Dr. K)

www.healthygamer.gg — Dr. K’s website

Why are Video Games So Important to Boys? — ON BOYS episode

The Evolution of Esports — ON BOYS episode

Video Game Addiction — ON BOYS episode

Emily Edlynn on a Healthier Approach to Tech — ON BOYS episode

The Link Between Freedom & Video Games — BuildingBoys blog post

Why Boys Play Video Games – BuildingBoys blog post

Sponsor Spotlight: IXL

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Not nearly often enough! There’s been a lot of chatter lately about boys & young men, masculinity, and the growing gender gap in politics – and very little public input from boys & young men themselves. In this episode, Jen & Janet talk with Lance Walker, a 26 yr old man from Utah. Like so many males his age, Lance has learned that boys’ and men’s perspectives aren’t always welcome. As he says, “We are never given license to speak.”

We encourage you to listen as he describes his experiences in school (including being started on ADHD medication in 3rd grade) and in the world.

Takeaways:

• Boys’ perspectives on masculinity are often overlooked.
• There is a stigma associated with boys expressing their feelings.
• Open dialogue about gender dynamics is essential.
• Boys need to be included in conversations about their experiences.
• Understanding the role of community in boys’ development is important.
• Boys often feel shame in expressing their struggles.
• The future of gender discussions requires sensitivity and awareness. The emotional journey of becoming a man is complex and often fraught with societal expectations.
• Shame and responsibility are significant themes in discussions about masculinity.
• Perceptions of men as threats can lead to feelings of fear and vulnerability.
• Boys are often seen as needing to fit into a rigid educational model that may not suit them.
• Cultural perspectives on masculinity can shape how boys view themselves and their roles in society.
• Dialogue and understanding are crucial in addressing the challenges faced by boys and young men.
• The importance of recognizing boys as human beings with their own experiences and emotions.
• Educational systems may need to adapt to better engage boys in learning.
• There is a need for more voices from young men in discussions about masculinity and societal expectations.
• The conversation around masculinity must include diverse perspectives to foster understanding and growth.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Lance’s Substack

ADHD with Ryan Wexelblatt the ADHD Dude — ON BOYS episode

Talking to Tween & Teen Boys — ON BOYS episode

Sports & Masculinity — ON BOYS episode

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If you or someone you know is having suicidal thoughts, you can call the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline for help in the United States. Call 988 or 800-273-TALK (8255). The 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline is open 24 hours a day, every day. Services are also available en espanol.

More than 39,000 boys and young men die of suicide in the United States each year. The male suicide rate is 4 times that of females’ – and that fact isn’t widely known. Although there’s been a lot of discussion of the youth mental health crisis and suicidal ideation in recent years, few people are talking about the fact that most of those who die of suicide are boys and young men.

Anthony Tricarico  was one of them. He was a “beautiful shooting star,” a young entrepreneur who loved snowboarding and bought a Camaro at age 16. Anthony died by suicide earlier this year, at age 16 1/2. From the outside looking in, Anthony had it all: a loving family, lots of friends, great grades, talent, and personality. His death was a shock to the community, as people realized, “If this could happen to Anthony, it could happen to any of us,” said his father, Neal Tricarico. 

Takeaways:

• Autistic people/those on the autism spectrum are at increased risk of suicide
• COVID-19 has had a profound impact on youth mental health.
• There is often a disconnect between autism support and mental health services.
• Support systems for families in crisis are often lacking.
• Seasonal changes can significantly affect mental health.
• Parental control is limited; love does not guarantee safety.
• Community support can provide immense comfort during grief.
• The importance of love and connection transcends loss.
• Achievements do not equate to fulfillment in children.
• Open conversations about mental health are essential.
• Creating a movement can honor lost loved ones and raise awareness.
• Grief can lead to profound spiritual growth and connection.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

AnneMoss Rogers on Suicide Prevention & Struggling Teens — ON BOYS episode

Loving Someone With Suicidal Thoughts — ON BOYS episode

What You Need to Know About Boys & Suicide — ON BOYS episode

NAMI — National Alliance on Mental Illness (has support groups for parents!)

Suicide & Autism — a report from the UK

Neal's contact info:

Email: neal@endurantmovement.com

Instagram: @nealtricarico

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/neal.tricarico/

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/nealtricarico/

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More than half of female voters (53%) voted for Kamala Harris; more than half of male voters (also 55%) voted for Donald Trump. Among young voters, the gender gap was even more pronounced: 61% of women aged 18-29 voted for Harris, compared to 49% of males.

Societal and political gender gaps are widening in other countries as well. Mark Sutton, director of The Boys Initiative & author of How Democrats Can Win Back Men, joins us to explore the factors underlying the gender gap and ways we can help boys and men thrive alongside girls and women.

Takeaways:

• The gender gap in voting reflects deeper cultural divides.
• Men's issues are often overlooked in political discourse.
• Human well-being should be a shared goal across genders.
• Health disparities show men dying younger than women.
• Political parties need to address the needs of all voters.
• Support for women's health should not exclude men's health.
• There is a growing discontent with both major political parties.
• Unity among moderate voters can lead to positive change.
• The future of gender representation is evolving positively. Support for women in leadership is crucial.
• Local involvement in politics can make a difference.
• Cultural backlash can lead to divisive movements.
• Understanding different perspectives is essential.
• The male vote plays a significant role in elections.
• Engaging in conversations about gender is necessary.
• Listening to others can foster better understanding.
• Systemic issues affect boys and young men.
• Advocacy for children's needs is a nonpartisan issue.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Men & the 2024 Election -- Mark's Substack

How Democrats Can Win Back Men: Why Understanding Male Voters & Their Issues is Vital for Democratic Victory -- Mark's book

The Boys Initiative

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Katey McPherson has been working on these issues for years. Since we last talked in 2019, she and others have helped the state of Arizona pass a bundle of laws intended to decrease youth suicide. She’s also helped countless schools, communities, and families learn how they can support youth mental health in the current digital age.

In this episode, Janet & Katey discuss:

• How to keep kids safe (safer?) when using school-issued computers & other digital devices
• Targeting of kids on social media and online gaming platforms
• Kids’ online relationships
• Tech tools to help you monitor your kids’ online activities
• School shootings (and how we can prevent them)
• Talking to kids about suicidal thoughts
• Increasing the likelihood that your child will talk to you about tough things
• Supporting youth mental health

Takeaways:

• We are facing significant challenges affecting our youth’s mental health.
• Legislative changes can lead to improved suicide prevention resources.
• Parents must understand the limitations of school-issued devices at home.
• Social media can exacerbate feelings of exclusion and anxiety in youth.
• Community support is crucial in preventing school violence.
• Suicidal ideation often precedes violent actions in youth.
• Open communication about mental health is essential for parents.
• AI is becoming a critical tool in monitoring student safety.
• It’s never too late to implement changes in parenting strategies.
• Youth need coping strategies to deal with emotional pain.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

The Hope Institute

What You Need to Know About Boys & Suicide (w Katey McPherson) — ON BOYS episode

Red Flags, Safety Nets, & School Shootings — BuildingBoys post

Katey's website is currently under construction. If you'd like to reach her, you can email her at Katey.mcpherson@bark.us

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Your boys do, whether they know the term or not. The “man box” is the set of expectations, perceptions, and behaviors that are considered “manly” in our society.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, and Ted Bunch, Chief Development Officer of A Call to Men, explore the complexities boys face in a world that still clings to outdated ideas about masculinity. Ted shares his perspective on how we can empower boys to live authentically, develop respectful relationships, and move beyond the limitations of the “Man Box,” which often keep boys from becoming their true selves.

Ted Bunch

Together, they discuss ways parents and caregivers can help boys embrace their emotions, communicate openly, and understand the importance of consent. Ted also addresses tough topics, including the impact of pornography, the cultural confusion surrounding sexual consent, and how societal expectations can distort boys’ perceptions of masculinity. Through honest, practical conversations, this episode gives listeners the tools to support boys as they navigate these challenges and to foster connections that build character, respect, and self-awareness.

In this episode, Jen, Janet & Ted discuss:

• How to help boys find and express their authentic selves
• The pervasive “Man Box” and how to break free of it
• Why boys struggle to define consent—and how to help
• Pornography’s impact on boys’ relationships
• Conversations dads and caregivers need to have with boys
• Encouraging boys to recognize the effects of their actions on others
• Understanding and addressing the impact of sexual abuse on boys

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

A Call to Men — includes helpful information & data, as well as links to their programs

Tony Porter’s TED Talk about the Man Box

What I’ve Learned Since My Son Came Out — article by Ted, mentioned at 38:37

The New Masculinity — ON BOYS episode

Empowering Boys to Challenge Rape Culture — ON BOYS episode

Gender Norms Limit Boys (& Girls!) — ON BOYS episode

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And in two or more of those things are going on in our household at the same time…well, things can get particularly challenging, says Amy Lang, founder of Birds & Bees & Kids.

Amy & Janet discuss it all in this ON BOYS episode

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

The 3 Key Things Your Neurodivergent Boy Needs to Know about Sex (and 3 Things You Need to Know) 

Peri-menopause & Puberty: The Match Made in Heck – Get tickets here

Tue Nov 19, 2024 7:00 PM – 8:00 PM PST

Birds & Bees & Kids — Amy’s website

Resources recommended by Amy:

You Know, Sex: Bodies, Gender, Puberty, And Other Things

Sex Talks With Tweens: What To Say & How To Say It

Amaze.org/us

BARK (inside US)

Qustodio (monitoring outside US)

Sex Ed for Neurodiverse Kids  – ON BOYS episode w Amy Lang

Keeping Boys Safe Online (w Amy Lang) — ON BOYS episode

Talk to Boys About Sex (w Amy Lang) — ON BOYS episode

Puberty, Perimenopause, & Midlife Parenting — ON BOYS episode

Breakthrough Session for Family Coaching

Schedule your no-cost call with Janet at https://boysalive.com/call

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In this wide-ranging conversation, Janet Allison & Jennifer L.W. Fink , the hosts of ON BOYS podcast, discuss the reality of raising boys in 2024.

Takeaways:

• Nobody has it all figured out.
• Letting there be room for not knowing is crucial.
• Learning to tolerate discomfort is part of the process.
• Trusting the unfolding of our children’s development is essential.
• You are a different parent than you were a year ago.
• Boy development is trustworthy and unique to each child.
• Watch your boys, not the clock; focus on their growth.
• Look at your kid, not the milestones set by society.
• Parenting is the greatest personal development course.
• Let go and let us be your safety net.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Dealing with Change, Anxiety, & Energy (Listener Q & A) — ON BOYS episode

Trust — BuildingBoys blog post

Trust Your Boys — BuildingBoys blog post

Breakthrough Session for Family Coaching

Schedule your no-cost call with Janet at https://boysalive.com/call

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In June 2024, Andrew Reiner, author of Better Boys, Better Men: The New Masculinity That Creates Greater Courage and Emotional Resiliency, published an article entitled “Our culture’s trashing of boys & men is having toxic consequences.”

In this episode, he and Jen discuss what boys need & we can best support boys.

Takeaways:

• Boys need support, not disdain.
• Cultural perceptions of masculinity can be harmful.
• Media often portrays boys negatively.
• Boys are falling behind in education.
• It’s important to understand boys’ emotional needs.
• Parents and educators play a crucial role.
• Challenging traditional masculinity is necessary.
• Creating safe spaces for boys is essential.
• Engaging boys in education requires new approaches.
• Researching boys’ experiences is vital for change.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

andrewreinerauthor.com –– Andrew’s website

Andrew Reiner: Building Boys’ Mental Health & Resiliency — ON BOYS episode

Better Boys, Better Men: The New Masculinity that Creates Greater Courage and Emotional Resiliency, by Andrew Reiner

The Trouble with Boys Isn’t Boys — article by Andrew

Young, Male, & Adrift — article by Andrew

Boys are Great shop — boy-affirming merch!

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We rely on it to help us get from one place to another. (GPS directions, anyone?) We use it to polish our prose. (Spell check and Grammarly, for instance.) Customer service chatbots and product recommendations based on previous purchases — all of these are built on AI.

The public release of ChatGPT, a AI system that using natural language processing, has accelerated the use of AI in modern life. Students routinely use it for school work — to dismay of some teachers. As AI becomes more integrated into the tools and technologies we use every day, understanding how it works—and how to use it responsibly—is becoming essential for both adults and children.

(AI, in fact, helped me rewrite that last sentence. Initially, it said, “Understanding AI & how to use it ethically is quickly becoming a necessary skill.)

In this episode, we talk with Angela Radcliffe, a mom of two, clinical research expert, and AI enthusiast who created Quantum Kids, Guardians of AI: Story Quest and Activity Book to help kids (and their parents) understand ethical uses of AI.

Takeaways:

• AI is rapidly evolving and impacting how children learn.
• Writing with AI can enhance creativity but requires careful guidance.
• Ethics in AI usage is crucial for responsible parenting.
• AI should be treated as a peer to foster collaboration.
• Teaching kindness and responsibility is essential in the age of AI.
• New ways of thinking may emerge from AI’s influence on education.
• Parents should actively engage with AI to understand its capabilities.
• Practical, fun uses of AI can help demystify the technology for families.
• Transparency and trust are vital in navigating AI’s impact.
• AI can be a valuable tool for enhancing everyday tasks and creativity.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Quantum Kids, Guardians of AI: Story Quest and Activity Book, created by Angela Radcliffe

What Teachers Told Me About AI in School

Teens Using AI to Create Deepfakes of Classmates Prompts New Bill 

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That’s why David Kirkland, founder & CEO of forwardED, is asking educators to “put a deliberate focus on Black boys” this year – to uplift Black boys, of course, but also because research shows that addressing the needs of our most vulnerable populations helps ALL.

“It’s not that Black males fail. It’s that we fail Black males,” David says. “it’s important for us to reframe that focus so we can understand what we can do better.”

Takeaways:

• Black boys are the most vulnerable student population in U.S. schools, facing persistent disparities in academic achievement and discipline.
• The education system is failing Black boys, and the framing of the issue needs to shift from blaming Black males to recognizing that the system fails them.
• A comprehensive approach is needed, including funding, culturally responsive education, policy changes, and a shift in mindset and practices.
• Addressing the needs of Black boys will benefit all students and lead to better outcomes in the education system.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

www.forward-ed.com/

Reclaiming Possibliity: An Intentional Focus on Black Boys This School Year — article by David

Can We Talk? A Critical Examination of Cellphone Bans in Schools — article by David

Black Boys Matter — ON BOYS episode

Supporting Black Boys Mental Health (w Chandra White-Cummings) — ON BOYS episode

Boys in School Task Force — ON BOYS episode

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That’s Holly Swenson’s advice to parents. Swenson, a RN-turned-writer and mom of 4 boys (currently ages 10, 13, 15, & 15) was approximately seven years into parenting when she realized that “when you are taking care of yourself, you’re better able to take care of everyone in her life.”

She & Jen talk about her book, Stop, Drop, Grow, & Glow: Forming Deeper & More Joyful Connections with Yourself & Your Children.

Takeaways:

• Self-awareness and self-care are essential for effective parenting.
• Balancing the needs and interests of multiple children requires intentionality and mindfulness.
• Reacting to situations can be counterproductive, while responding thoughtfully fosters deeper connections.
• Parenting is a journey of personal growth and self-improvement.
• The Stop, Drop, Grow, and Glow method encourages reflection, letting go of past experiences, cultivating growth and self-awareness, and embracing joy and gratitude. Self-care is essential for parents to show up as their best selves for their children.
• Children can be a catalyst for personal growth and healing for parents.
• Finding time for self-care may require creativity and microdosing self-care throughout the day.
• Water, such as taking a shower or bath, can be grounding and energizing for parents.
• Maintaining a sense of humor and lightness can help navigate the challenges of parenting.
• Prioritizing self-care and personal growth is an ongoing process that requires intention and discipline.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Stop, Drop, Grow, & Glow: Forming Deeper & More Joyful Connections with Yourself & Your Children, by Holly Swenson

liveyourglow.live — Holly’s website

Mom is in Control with Heather Chauvin — ON BOYS episode

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Takeaways:

• Feeding kids in a healthy way can be challenging, but it’s important to raise children of all sizes to be physically healthy and emotionally well.
• Family culture plays a significant role in shaping children’s attitudes towards food and body size.
• Body neutrality focuses on the functionality of the body rather than its appearance, promoting acceptance and self-love.
• Growth charts are a tool for tracking a child’s growth over time, but they should not be used to define a child’s health or worthiness.
• Parents can advocate for their children by addressing biases and stigma related to body size, both within the extended family and in healthcare settings.
• Creating a positive meal environment and supporting children’s individual appetites can help build healthy eating habits.
• Parents should prioritize sleep, as it plays a crucial role in children’s growth and appetite regulation.
• Health should be measured by factors beyond weight, such as blood pressure, respiratory rate, and cardiovascular fitness.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

jillcastle.com — Jill’s website

Kids Thrive at Any Size: How to Nourish Your Big, Small, or In-Between Child for a Lifetime of Health & Happiness — Jill’s latest book

The Nourished Child — Jill’s podcast

Picky Eaters, Family Meals, & Nutrition — ON BOYS episode

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That’s the question we discuss with Heather Sponholz, a “boy mom” who’s said yes to her teenage sons’ solo National Parks trips, MMA fighting, and ambitious Christmas lights project.

Takeaways:

• Navigating the balance between freedom and safety for teenagers can be challenging for parents.
• Allowing teenagers to take solo trips can help them develop independence and learn important life skills.
• Trusting in your child’s ability to navigate challenges and make responsible decisions is essential.
• Supporting teenagers in pursuing their passions and interests can have a positive impact on their personal growth. Supporting and nurturing boys’ passions and interests is important for their personal growth and development.
• Parents should overcome their fears and worries and allow their children to pursue activities that they are passionate about.
• Community support and mentorship can play a crucial role in helping boys pursue their interests.
• Parents should prioritize their children’s passions and provide them with the necessary resources and opportunities to explore and excel in their chosen fields.
• Allowing boys to face challenges and learn from their experiences helps them develop problem-solving skills and resilience.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Encouraging Independence — ON BOYS episode

Autonomy-Supportive Parenting — ON BOYS episode

Step In or Step Back? — ON BOYS episode

Age 16 & Learning to Let Go — BuildingBoys post

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Importantly, the project includes teen boys and gives them an opportunity to share their thoughts about manhood and masculinity. Perhaps unsurprisingly, the boys’ responses reflect our still-evolving understanding of gender. Crying, for instance, is still seen as a term with strongly feminine connotations, “but almost every boy we talked to said that they did cry,” Janes says. “They still feel like there’s a stigma to boys and men crying, but for the most part, almost of all of them said, ‘I cry at times.'”

Boys, she says, “still get so many messages about traditional masculinity — ‘don’t cry, be strong, be a man.’ But they need to be allowed to express healthy emotion, to express vulnerability, to be able to cry and express sadness. We need to understand and accept that teen boys have all the same emotions as teen girls and that it’s healthier if they have outlets to express them.”

Takeaways:

• The Be A Man project on She Knows provides a comprehensive look into the lives of teen boys, covering topics such as masculinity, mental health, and social media.
• It is important to include and listen to teen boys in conversations about their experiences and perspectives.
• Parents of boys may face challenges in understanding and raising boys, but it is important to provide support and guidance.
• The project aims to provide advice and resources for parents navigating these topics with their teen boys.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

We Asked 4 Teen Boys to Test New Fall Fragrances – Here’s What They Said – SheKnows article

The Response to Tim Walz’s Son’s Proud Tears at the DNC is a Telling Look at Masculinity & Emotion — SheKnows article

How Teen Boys View Male Celebrities & Masculinity, from Ryan Reynolds to Timothee Chalamet — SheKNow article

Gender Equality, Boys, & Men — ON BOYS episode featuring Richard V. Reeves

BoyMom Ruth Whippman on Reimaging Boyhood — ON BOYS episode

Dr. Niobe Way on Reimagining Boys — ON BOYS episode

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It seems like an obvious question with an obvious answer. Isn’t the goal to provide kids with an opportunity to play sports? And to develop skills, teamwork, and camaraderie along the way?

Historically, those were indeed the goals of youth sport. Many parents & kids still pursue those goals. But some parents & players have other goals: A scholarship. College admission. The youth sports industry also has a goal: To make money.

Pay-to-Play

Many of today’s youth sports team use a pay-to-play model: parents pay (often exorbitant amounts) for their kids to play. Some youth sports organizations frame this cost as an “investment” and mention ROI — return on investment — on their websites. The required investment isn’t only financial; parents & families now invest a lot of time into sports practices, games, & tournaments.

“What used to be very much a youth-driven activity has changed into more of an adult-driven model,” says Jean Linscott, co-author of What is the Goal?: The Truth About the Youth Sports Industry. And because the adults have invested so much, they have an incentive to keep kids playing. This, Jean says, “is an enormous difference from playing for fun and playing for the love of the game.”

The first thing young parents should understand, if they’re considering signing a child up for a pay-to-play team, is that “this is a lifestyle choice,” says Kenneth Ruoff, Jean’s husband & co-author. “They should be putting aside 40 weekends a year for the next 10 years if you stick with pay-to-play sports through the high school years.”

Sadly, there’s no strong evidence to suggest that this investment of time & money is beneficial to most families or athletes. “We talked to a lot of the top coaches in Oregon and they basically burst out laughing when we asked them if travel tournaments had any role in player development,” Ken says. “They said, ‘No, it’s ridiculous; they have no role, especially at the younger ages.’ So all that money that is being spent on travel tournaments is playing no role in developing the kids as athletes.”

The Unacknowledged Costs of Youth Sports

Because of the tremendous costs associated with many youth sports teams, many kids do not have an opportunity to play or participate. And many children who do play experience physical and mental injuries, in part because they begin playing so young and often play year-’round.

“The impact of this model means that there are big problems with overuse injuries and burnout,” Jean says.”Early specialization in sports is disastrous for the bodies and minds of children,” Ken adds.

Unfortunately, in many places, there aren’t viable alternatives to the current pay-to-play youth sports model. Rec teams have faded or disappeared due to lack of funding and coaches. School teams may or may not be an option – but in many places, if a young athlete doesn’t also play on a travel team, they have little chance of earning a spot on a school team.

Questions to Ask Before Signing for a Travel Team

Before signing your child up for a pay-to-play, elite, or travel team, Jean says you should ask these “important, tough” questions:

• Do you track injury rates? What types of injuries are most common?
• Do you conduct exit interviews when families leave the club? What are the primary reasons athletes & families leave?
• What is your youth athlete development model?

Be forewarned, however. Asking these questions does not guarantee that you’re doing to get a straight answer. It’s also a good idea to talk to a number of families who have been involved with the club or team, including those who no longer participate.

Takeaways:

• The likelihood of receiving a college scholarship through youth sports is extremely low, and parents should consider alternative ways to fund their child’s education.
• Extricating oneself from the youth sports system can be challenging, but it is important to prioritize the well-being and interests of the child.
• Questioning the youth sports industry and advocating for affordable and inclusive options is crucial for the overall development of children.
• The emphasis on elite athletes and the pressure to participate in pay-to-play clubs can exclude many children and create unrealistic expectations.
• Sportswear companies play a role in the youth sports industry, but their focus on profit and exclusivity can hinder accessibility and development.
• Preferential admission for athletes in higher education perpetuates the socioeconomic elite and needs to be reevaluated.
• Parents have the power to ask questions, challenge the status quo, and advocate for changes that prioritize the well-being and enjoyment of youth sports.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

What is the Goal?: The Truth About the Youth Sports Industry, by Jean Linscott & Kenneth Ruoff

Whole Child Sports: An Alternative to Toxic Youth Sports Culture — ON BOYS episode

Linda Flanagan: Youth Sports are Out of Control –– ON BOYS episode

Coaches Speak About Youth Sports — ON BOYS episode

Varsity Blues Scandal Explained — BC Law article

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What does this time of year look like for you & your family? Does your son dread back-to-school? Do you? Or, do you welcome that start of a new school year?

Rob Vaughn, a 5th grade teacher, is one of the (too) few male elementary school teachers in the United States.

Masculinity in 5th grade

When we asked Rob about his experiences in school when he was a boy, he told us, “I was a different kind of boy.” He says he wasn’t a “sporty jock,” but “quiet,” “introverted,” and “nerdy.” He remembers being shy and feeling overwhelmed.

The boys in his class exhibit a broad range of masculinity. There are the “dude” and “jocks,” Rob says, and at least as many boys how are “not stereotypical boys.” These guys like video games and stuffed animals, imaginative play, and art. They are sensitive — and so are the boys who like sports.

Kids today, he says, aren’t as strictly adhering to gender roles as kids were a generation ago.

“I’m finding that boys and girls are working together really well & openly, at least in my school,” Rob says. “Some of them are really great friends & some of the boys are really into ‘girl stuff.’ And they’re good at talking about their feelings!”

He is working to overcome lingering biases left over from his own childhood. Rob has noticed that his brain often thinks “tough kid” when he sees a boy in football gear, for instance. “I need to remember that they are still little kids and they are sensitive – even though they are acting like the celebrities they see,” he says.

He’s noticed boys emulating the behavior of online influencers and celebrities, including in less-than-desirable ways, such as arguing with referees or reacting with over-the-top rage when they lose a game. “It’s almost like there are little boys who are trying to be men, only the men they’re trying to be aren’t actualy men; they’re parodies of men that we’re seeing on social media.”

5th grade boys, Rob says, are grappling with “who am I? and who am I supposed to be?” at the same time they’re “dealing with hurt feelings and missing their mom.”

At the 5th grade level, boys tend to be less physically and emotionally mature than their female counterparts. At that age, boys are “not at a stage where they want to sit and discuss big ideas for as long” as the female students, Rob says. The boys, he says, “are operating at a level that’s a little sillier & younger.”

Teaching boys and girls together — and honestly talking about development and challenges — can enhance understanding and empathy.

Takeaways:

• Creating a sense of community in the classroom and giving students responsibilities can enhance their learning experience.
• Setting high expectations for students and empowering them to make choices can help build their independence.
• Fifth grade is a critical stage of development, with students experiencing the beginning stages of puberty and undergoing brain remodeling.
• Boys and girls in fifth grade are not always adhering to traditional gender roles, and they are grappling with societal expectations and their own identities.
• Social-emotional learning is an important aspect of the curriculum, focusing on skills such as empathy, communication, and self-awareness. Boys and girls may have different levels of maturity and focus in the classroom, with boys often being more active and playful.
• Societal expectations and media portrayals of masculinity can influence boys’ behavior and attitudes towards girls.
• Teaching boys about consent and respect for girls is crucial in creating a safe and inclusive environment.
• Parents and educators play a vital role in shaping boys’ behavior and attitudes towards girls.
• Building a strong foundation of respect and empathy in the early years can help boys navigate societal pressures and develop into confident and respectful men.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Where Are All the Male Teachers? — Good Men Project article

Lisa Damour on the Emotional Lives on Teens — ON BOYS episode

Male Role Models — BuildingBoys post about male Olympians in the 2024 Summer Olympics

Gender Equality, Boys, & Men — ON BOYS podcast featuring Richard V. Reeves (which coverrs redshirting boys in school)

Erin’s Law — more info on the law that mandates child sexual abuse prevention

Mark Rober — YouTuber Rob mentioned during our conversation

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It is richly connected to our body & memories, including memories that we no longer consciously recall. It communicates with us constantly via bodily sensations, sending us important messages.

We can tap into that, and we can help our children tap into that — and, in doing so, help us all realize that “emotions are not the whole story,” Steve says.

Try using the phrase “there is something in me” when discussing emotions and the accompanying sensations. There is a big difference between “I am furiously angry” and “There is something in me that is furiously angry.” That linguistic tweaking allows you to gain a bit of separation, to observe and notice your thoughts and sensations. The goal is not to eliminate the feeling or sensation, but to learn from it.

Anxiety isn’t something to eliminate

Anxiety isn’t necessarily problematic. It’s not a troublesome emotion that needs to be eliminated, Steve says.

“Anxiety is your wild creature mind, slashing at the bars, yelling at you,” he says. “Rightly or wrongly, it wants to get your attention about something.” So, when you feel anxiety, pause. Feel where it lives in your body. Try describing those sensations to yourself. Value, rather than dismiss, the sensations and experience of anxiety.

Your wild creature mind — the right hemisphere of your brain — is intended to work in conjunction with the left hemisphere of your brain. Yet because our societies have long prioritized rational, logical thinking, many of us have learned to ignore the stirrings of our wild creature mind. Tapping into it will allow us to “walk more slowly through life, love more deeply, and be happy with less,” Steve says.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

stevebiddulph.com — Steve’s online home

Wild Creature Mind: The Neuroscience Breakthrough that Helps You Transform Anxiety and Live a Fiercely Loving Life, by Steve Biddulph

Fully Human with Raising Boys Author Steve Biddulph — ON BOYS episode

Steve Biddulph on Raising Boys — ON BOYS episode

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But as boys move through their teenage years, many of them — as many as 70-80% — find it difficult to connect with other boys. Why? “Boy culture,” says Dr. Way, author of Rebels with a Cause: Reimagining Boys, Ourselves, & Our Future, noting that she uses that term to describe the stereotypical “boy” expectations which state that boys & men should be strong & indepedent. And in many cultures, that “boy culture” has spread to the culture at large.

“Sucess, manhood, & modernity privilege the need for autonomy, not the need for connection,” Dr. Way says. The message most of us get is that maturity = self-sufficiency.

That message may be harming the mental health of all of us, as humans as meant to be inter-dependent.

Rebels, Dr. Way says, is not solely about boys & men, but about all of us & the culture in which we live. “Everybody needs relationships, connections, and friendships,” she says.

Learning from boys to improve life for us all

“We come into the world with natural relational intelligence, and we don’t value it,” Dr. Way says. So, we need to “nurture our 5-year-old capacity to look at each other with wonder, and rather than say, ‘what’s wrong with you?’, to say, ‘what can I learn from you, about you, & also about me?””

Dr. Niobe Way says that we in the United States (& many countries) over-attribute boys’ & mens’ behavior to biology. Yes, biology influences & affects male behavior. But culture also plays a critical role — as evidenced by the fact that other cultures throughout the world & history live out male friendships differently.

“The reality is that we used to be a very different culture in terms of valuing our ‘hard’ and ‘soft’ sides,” she says.

Recognizing the impact of culture frees us up to make necessary changes. Because as a 7th grade boy once told Dr. Way, “When we make things biology, we think we can’t change it.”

All humans can be a-holes; all can be compassionate. All have relational intelligence that needs to be nurtured.

“Kids do come into the world with different temperments,” Dr. Way says. “We shouldn’t immediately assume that boys who have trouble expressing their feelings are ‘troubled.'” She advises parents to “move past the idea that they [boys] have to express themselves to us,” noting that many kids directly resist parental pressure.

Instead, we should help our children develop healthy, mutually-supportive relationships. Start by normalizing the desire to be deeply connected to other people. (Talk about it with your boys!) Engage in a dialogue about relationships — and that may include sharing some info about your own joys & challenges in relationships with fellow humans. Expresse curiosity, rather than judgment.

Stop focusing so much time and attention on academics. Help kids build relationships instead.

Takeaways:

• Boys have a strong desire for close friendships and articulate the need for emotional connection and support.
• Friendships are linked to boys’ mental health and well-being.
• Boys often struggle to form and maintain deep friendships as they get older, which can lead to a crisis of connection.
• Boy culture, which devalues emotional expression and connection, plays a significant role in boys’ ability to form and maintain friendships.
• The findings from boys’ experiences can teach us about the importance of relationships and connection for all individuals, regardless of gender. Boys are capable of deep emotional connections, but may not express themselves as much as girls due to societal expectations.
• Parents should focus on helping their children develop healthy relationships with others, rather than solely relying on emotional expression towards them.
• Normalizing the desire for deep connections and valuing children’s curiosity and opinions is crucial for their emotional well-being.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

www.niobe-way.com

Rebels with a Cause: Reimagining Boys, Ourselves, & Our Future, by Dr. Niobe Way

Deep Secrets: Boys’ Friendships & The Crisis of Connection, by Dr. Niobe Way

Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World, by (U.S. Surgeon General) Vivek Murthy

Pink Brain, Blue Brain: How Small Differences Grow Into Troublesome Gaps – and What We Can Do About It, by Dr. Lise Eliot

When Boys Become Boys: Development, Relationships, and Masculinity, by Judy Chu

The Listening Project

Dr. Friendtastic on Boys & Friendship — ON BOYS episode

Why Now is the Best Time to Raise Boys (w Michael Reichert) — ON BOYS episode

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Let’s break down the facts and dispel the myths.

Culture & emotion influence circumcision rates

Surgical removal of the foreskin of the penis is incredibly common in some cultures & very rare in others. In the United States, approximately. 58% of male newborns are circumcised. But rates vary greatly by region – in the Midwest, it’s 74%; on the West coast, it’s 30%. 

Globally, about 1 in 3 males are circumcised, with great variation across countries and continents. In Australia, the circumcision rate is 27%. In Germany, it’s 11%. Zimbabwe, 9.2%. Italy, 3%. Ireland, 1%. Uganda, 26.7%. 

“The variation is really accounted for my cultural differences,” says Tim Hammond, executive director of the Genital Autonomy Legal Defense & Education Fund (GALDEF). He notes that circumcision is not recognized as healthcare in many countries — with some countries considering the procedure medically harmful. Myths, misinformation, superstition, and religion are often at the heart of the cultural reasons for circumcision.

“What I’ve learned in 35+ years of being involved in this issue is that it really comes down to an emotional decision,” Hammond says.

Circumcision isn’t medically necessary

Removal of the foreskin may confer some health benefits, including a reduced risk of urinary tract infections (UTIS), decreased risk of sexually transmitted infection (STIs), and a decreased risk of penile and cervical cancer.

However, there are other, less invasive ways for children to experience the same benefits, without undergoing surgical removal of the foreskin. Excellent hygiene can prevent many UTIs – and oral antibiotic treatment can easily treat UTIs. Consistent use of condoms during sexual activity can decrease the risk of STIs, including human papillomavirus (HPV), the virus that causes penile and cervical cancer. HPV vaccination can also prevent HPV infection.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Genital Autonomy Legal Defense & Education Fund (GALDEF)

Circumcision: Where We Stand — American Academy of Pediatrics

Aug. 3 Double Feature Documentary Screening: Nurses of St. Vincent: Saying No to Circumcision and Facing Circumcision: 8 Doctors Tell Their Stories

Circumcision: The Hidden Trauma, by Ronald Goldman

doctorsopposingcircumcision.com

beyondthebris.com

bruchim.online

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Approximately 12% of boys in the United States have been diagnosed with ADHD. About 3% are on the autism spectrum. 18% of boys have dyslexia. An untold number are gifted – &, of course, many boys are 2e, or twice-exceptional, with more than one of these conditions.

Dr. Matt Zakreski was one of those boys. “My backpack always looked like a bomb went off, I always forgot there were tests but could study 3 minutes before the test and get a 92,” says Dr. Matt, author of Neurodiversity Playbook: How Neurodivergent People Can Crack the Code of Living in a Neurotypical World.His obvious-in-hindsight ADHD wasn’t noticed or address until he was in high school.

Neurodiversity affects the intellectual, social, and emotional development of neurodivergent boys.”You have have a 10 year-old who’s intellectually 15 but socially, they’re 8,” Dr. Matt says, noting that neurodivergent boys need support both where they’re “ahead” of their similarly aged peesr and where they’re “behind.”

Living with & Supporting Neurodivergent Boys

“Be curious, not furious,” Dr. Matt advises. Instead of getting mad when your child does (or doesn’t do!) something, get curious. Don’t assume that the child is being defiant, disobedient, or trying to annoy you. Remind yourself, “this child has needs that I don’t necessarily understand right now.” Take some deep breaths or do whatever else you need to do to calm yourself first. Then, get curious: ask your child what’s going on. Listen carefully. You’ll likely learn more about your child & strengthen your relationship.

Parenting neurodivergent kids will also include helping kids learn how to manage their attraction to things that feel good in the moment but may be harmful in excess. (Think: screens). Compromise — and demonstrating understanding & empathy for your kid’s interests and goals — can help.

Neurodivergent-friendly environments are crucial for the success and well-being of neurodivergent children. You are not impairing their ability to cope or function in the broader world by considering your son’s unique needs.

“Resiliency is not just working harder,” Dr. Matt says. “You build resiliency fastest and most generalizable through the things you like to do the most.” Giving boys plenty of opportunities to pursue the activities and problems that interest them also gives them opportunities to develop intellectually, socially, and emotionally.

Takeaways:

• Neurodivergent individuals have unique brains that develop asynchronously, with strengths in certain areas and challenges in others
• Understanding and supporting neurodivergent children requires looking beyond academics and considering their social, emotional, and developmental needs
• Parenting neurodivergent children involves being curious, not furious, and finding compromises that meet both the child’s needs and the parent’s boundaries
• Setting reasonable limits on screen time and using a third-door solution approach can help navigate conflicts around technology use
• Psychoeducation, explaining how a child’s brain works and why certain behaviors occur, can empower children and reduce self-blame. Neurodivergent boys often struggle with self-regulation and may exhibit behaviors that are coping strategies
• Providing neurodivergent boys with a customized playbook of coping strategies can help them manage their emotions and impulses
• Neurodivergent-friendly environments, such as schools and activities, are crucial for the success and well-being of neurodivergent boys
• It is important to fight against gender stereotypes and embrace the
• unique strengths and interests of neurodivergent boys

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Neurodiversity Playbook: How Neurodivergent People Can Crack the Code of Living in a Neurotypical World, by Dr. Matt Zakreski

www.drmattzakreski.com

Building Boys: Raising Great Guys in a World That Misunderstands Males, by Jen

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Societal expectations of boys & men are gradually shifting. These shifting narratives are part of why it’s so important for adults to listen to boys. Adults’ interpretation and understanding of situations and interactions doesn’t necessarily reflect boys’ complex experiences, and neither does our language or approach.

“We’ve got to look to them as the leaders in this conversation,” Reed says.

Approach with Curiosity

Teens (and humans of all ages) tend to shut down and stop listening to people who don’t seem to be listening. By adolescence, most boys know that the world isn’t simply black or white; they’re ready to explore the grey. If you want to connect you boys, approach conversations with curiosity.

“Curiosity lays the possibility for an impactful conversation,” Reed says. Then, listen. Don’t dismiss what boys are telling you; dwell on the awkwardness they share and express.

Remember, too, that boys won’t necessarily tell you about their problems. “If boys are struggling, often they’re struggling in silence,” Reed says. “There’s still a stigma against asking for help, particularly when it also means admitting a weakness or a vulnerability.” Create a sense of safety to connect with boys.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

NextGenMen website

Raising Next Gen Men — ON BOYS episode

Breaking the Boy Code — ON BOYS episode

Teen Boys Emotional Lives — ON BOYS episode

Creating Consent Culture: A Handbook for Educators, by Marcia Baczynski and Erica Scott

Boys & Sex with Peggy Orenstein — ON BOYS episode

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"Gender is such a huge force in how emotion is expressed, and perhaps even in how emotion is experienced," says Dr. Damour. "If a boy doesn’t feel that he has permission to let people know he’s hurting, it’s a good bet that he will discharge his unwanted emotions by acting out."

To Connect with Teens, Learn About Their Emotions

Dr. Damour served as an advisor on one of this summer's most popular films, Inside Out 2. (Haven't seen it yet? Go! It'll give you great insight into what's going on inside the brain of your teen.)

Boys may restrict their emotional expression due to societal pressures and gender norms. Dr. Damour highlights the stark contrast between the emotional expression allowed for girls and boys in our culture. Girls, she says, generally have a "wide emotional highway" to express a range of emotions, while boys are restricted to a "two-lane highway." And while it’s natural for humans to cry, boys who do so often face ridicule and social pressure, especially in environments like school.

Dr. Damour suggests that parents and educators can help boys by creating spaces for physical and alternative forms of emotional expression. Unlike the cultural preference for verbal expressions of emotion, many boys and men (and some girls, women, and nonbinary individuals) find relief through physical activities. Activities like shooting basketball hoops, running laps, or even banging on an old filing cabinet can be effective ways to discharge and process emotions.

"If it brings relief and does no harm, it’s a good coping strategy," Dr. Damour says. Additionally, music can be a powerful tool for many boys to express and regulate their emotions.

Practical Steps for Parents

To connect better with teenage boys and support their emotional development, parents can:

1. Create Safe Spaces for Emotional Expression: Encourage physical activities that help boys process their emotions. Sports, music, or even creative projects can provide an outlet for their feelings.
2. Acknowledge and Respect Gender Norms: Understand the societal pressures boys face and offer support without reinforcing harmful stereotypes. Validate their feelings and encourage healthy expression.
3. Set Clear Expectations: While understanding the pressures boys face, maintain clear expectations for respectful and kind behavior. Teach boys that while it's okay to feel anger or frustration, it's not okay to express these emotions through harmful actions.
4. Model Emotional Intelligence: Show boys how to handle emotions by modeling emotional intelligence in your behavior. Demonstrate how to talk about feelings and handle stress constructively.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

drlisadamour.com – Lisa’s website

The Emotional Lives of Teenagers: Raising Connected, Capable, and Compassionate Adolescents — Lisa’s latest book (get the free parent discussion guide here)

Ask Lisa: The Psychology of Parenting  – podcast hosted by Lisa Damour & Reena Ninan

Teen Boys’ Emotional Lives — ON BOYS episode

Managing Emotions — ON BOYS episode

Nonverbal Communication with Boys — ON BOYS episode

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Kwiatkowski, PhD, a renowned researcher specializing in boys’ emotions, experiences, and masculinities, says that teen boys “assume most people don’t want to hear about their negative emotions.”

Helping Boys Express Their Emotions

One of the key factors in a boy’s ability to express his emotions is his parents’ response to his distress. If a boy knows that his anger, sadness, or frustration will upset his parents’ equilibrium, he is more likely to stifle his emotions. On the other hand, if he feels that his parents will respond with calm compassion, he is more likely to share his feelings honestly.

It’s important for parents to create a supportive environment where their sons feel safe to express themselves. This means responding to their emotions without judgment or immediate solutions, simply listening and validating their feelings. Don’t fret if you don’t always respond perfectly. It’s okay to miss the mark sometimes. Research has shown that parents can miss the mark 70% of the time and still raise well-adjusted children, as long as they apologize and strive to make things right when they falter.

Encouraging Teen Boys to Talk

Interestingly, Kwiatkowski’s research shows that teenage boys are often most comfortable opening up to women. Therefore, moms have a unique opportunity to foster a deeper connection with their sons by being approachable and supportive listeners.

Modeling authenticity and vulnerability is another powerful way to encourage boys to open up. Kwiatkowski emphasizes the importance of being genuine and honest with your own emotions. “I never would expect a teenage boy to be honest with me if I’m not demonstrating that myself,” he says. Acknowledging the contradictions and tensions in being a boy or man and discussing these openly can help create a more trusting and open dialogue.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

remasculine.com — Brendan’s website

Re: Masculine — Brenda’s album about masculinity

Hold Onto Your Kids: Why Parents Matter More Than Peers, by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate — book recommended by Brendan Kwiatkowski

What You Need to Know About Boys & Suicide (w Katey McPherson) — ON BOYS episode

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“Kids still need freedom to play, to follow their own curiosity,to ask and answer questions,and to learn how to get along with other people,” he says.

Nurturing Kids & Building Connections

The first five years of a child’s life “should be about how to live with these complicated things called emotions,” Tom says.

Children also need time and space to navigate emotions and social interactions. But “too often, we step in too soon,” Tom says. When adults hear bickering, arguing, or tears, they frequently step in and problem solve for the kids — which can adversely affect child development.

“We rob them of the chance to learn that basic skill of self-governance and self-control,” Tom says. Give the kids time. Left to their own devices, kids often come up with innovative solutions.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Teacher Tom — Tom’s blog

Teacher Tom’s World — includes links to Teacher Tom’s courses, books, & speaking events

Teacher Tom’s Facebook page

Teacher Tom Talks About Boys, Emotions, & Play — ON BOYS episode

The Gardener & the Carpenter: What the New Science of Child Development Tells Us About the Relationship Between Parents & Children, by Alison Gopnik — book mentioned by Teacher Tom

The Link Between Freedom & Video Games — BuildingBoys post

Why You Need to Stop Focusing on Your Boys’ Bickering — BuildingBoys post

Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind, by Yuval Harari — book mentioned by Teacher Tom

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Women provide the vast majority of child and elder care and care for the disabled. Women do the bulk of home- and community-tending, and they create and reinforce the ties that bind us together. Most of that labor is unpaid — and the little that is paid is typically poorly compensated.

This imbalance is clearly problematic for women, who are often exhausted and overworked. But it’s also a problem for boys, men, girls, and, well, everyone. If we don’t talk about this imbalance, our sons will grow up in a system that still devalues care work. They’ll see women, predominantly, as caregivers, and may conclude – incorrectly – that they’re not capable of childcare or elder care. Others may also assume that our boys and men aren’t capable of care.

How Our DIY Society Tricked Us All

Other countries use social safety nets to manage risk, says sociologist Jessica Calarco, author of Holding It Together: How Women Became America’s Safety Net. In contrast, the US “tries to DIY society,” Calarco says, essentially telling people “that if they just make the right choices for their kids and families, then they won’t actually need any support.”

That’s a lie, though. We all need help and support at various time throughout life. But “women’s unpaid and underpaid labor is maintaining this illusion that we can get by without a social safety net” in the United States, she says.

Busting Gender Stereotypes

From the time girls are old enough to hold a baby doll, we’re training them to be mothers. We don’t do the same for boys, at least not on a society-wide scale.

“Boys are often denied the opportunity to learn to be caregivers,” Calarco notes.

Despite the ubiquity of the Mars/Venus myth, which suggests that females are better suited to caregiving than males, there’s no solid scientific evidence to back up that assertion. “If anything, much of what we perceive as these innate gender differences roots back to early socialization,” Calarco says. “Even as young as infancy, adults treat babies differently if they perceive it to be a girl versus if they perceive it to be a boy.”

Research shows that the more caregiving experience an individual has, the more that person’s body will respond physiologically — by pumping out hormones like oxytocin — to caregiving activities. “This happens for both men and women,” Calarco says. “The more experience you have in caregiving capacities, the better at it you get.”

But while parents (and society at large) are now widely supportive of girls who bend traditional gender boundaries, they are much less comfortable with boys who bend and challenge gender stereotypes. Many parents (and grandparents) still aren’t comfortable giving boys dolls or letting them play house.

“This is a place where we can intervene,” Calarco says. “We can hold up examples of kids and adults pushing back against these boundaries and binaries. We can let them know ‘there’s many, many different ways to be a girl and many different ways to be a boy.’ And I think the more that we can encourage that kind of gender flexibility for both our boys and our girls, the better off they will be.”

Takeaways:

• Women are the safety net of America, providing unpaid and underpaid labor that holds everything together
• Systemic issues affect boys and families
• Devaluation of care work impacts societal perceptions of caregiving roles
• How neoliberalism and the myth of individualistic success have led to the exploitation of women’s labor
• The Mars/Venus myth perpetuates gender stereotypes and societal attitudes that devalue caregiving and reinforce gender hierarchies
• Fundamental shifts in societal attitudes and policies are necessary to address systemic issues and create a more equitable society
• Change begins at home, with the need to challenge gender roles and encourage caregiving experiences for both boys and girls

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Holding It Together: How Women Became America’s Safety Net — Jessica’s book

Kate Mangino on Teaching Boys to Be Equal Partners — ON BOYS podcast

Nursing, Boys, & Gender Stereotypes — 4-15-24 Building Boys Bulletin

Sponsor Spotlight: Dabble & Dollop

Natural bath products for kids. Visit dabbleandollop.com/onboys to get 20% OFF your first order!

Sponsor Spotlight: Armoire

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“I question myself constantly,” says Jamie, host of The Queer Family podcast and mom to two children, a 10-year-old daughter & a 6-year-old son. She knows that gender is a social construct — and also knows that gender stereotypes are extremely powerful and prevalent. When she was pregnant with her son, Jamie says, she worried that she wouldn’t be able to connect with him.

In this episode, Jaimie shares her journey and thoughts on raising a boy within a society that holds strong gender stereotypes, while also highlighting the unique challenges and joys faced by queer families.

Key Topics:

• Parenting Fears & Self-Doubt: Jaimie opens up about the common fears and constant self-questioning she experiences as a mom. Despite her awareness that gender is a social construct, she acknowledges the pervasive influence of gender stereotypes in society.
• Facing Stereotypes: While Jaimie and her wife offer their son a variety of toys and activities, he gravitates towards traditionally “boy” interests such as cars, trucks, planes, and the color blue.
• Support & Acceptance: Jaimie discusses the importance of supporting children in becoming their true selves. She emphasizes the need to parent the child you have, not the one you envisioned.
• Intentional Parenting: As part of a queer family, Jaimie highlights the intentionality required in their parenting journey. From conception to daily life, every step is deliberate and meaningful.
• Challenging Norms: Facing societal prejudice, including attempts to ban books featuring families like hers, queer families must continually think outside the box. Often, they discover joy in creating a unique lives that defy conventional paths.
• Encouragement for Other Parents: Jaimie underscores the idea that joy and fulfillment can be found by embracing one’s unique family structure and parenting style.

Memorable Quotes:

• “We want our kids to feel free to be who they are.”
• “We’re really good at thinking outside the box because we don’t fit the normal path.”
• “These are the most intentional parents. There’s no accidents in how we make a family.”

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

The Queer Family podcast — Jaime’s podcast

Supporting LGBTQ+ Kids — ON BOYS episode

Understanding Gender with Dr. Alex Iantaffi — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: Armoire

Clothing rental subscription that makes getting dressed easier. Visit armoire.style/ONBOYS to get up to 50% OFF your first month.

As she wrote in her Substack newsletter, the currently popular shame-blame-restrict approach to social media, screens, and gaming isn’t working particularly well. Emily sas:

Parents’ hyper-focus on screen time, gaming, or phones can have more negative effects than the technologies on their own. Parents can become so fixated on maintaining the limits that the fixation itself causes a child’s or teen’s frustration and subsequent distancing from their parents.

Social Media, Video Games, & Phones Aren’t the Cause of Mental Health Problems

Contrary to popular belief, smartphone and screens are not solely responsible for the current mental health crisis.

“I’m always skeptical is there’s a straight line drawn from any one thing to mental health,” Emily says. “That’s not how mental health works. It’s very complex, nuanced, layered, and full of contributing factors.” In fact, tech overuse can be a symptom, not a cause of mental health problems.

“It’s really important not to blame the tech but to get under it & explore what’s going on,” Emily says.

So, parents: take a breath. Giving your child a smartphone does not doom them to anxiety or depression. It is much healthier to step away from the fear and approach technology as a tool.

“When parents take more of a mentorship approach to online activity and social media, the kids do better with it,” Emily says.

Fighting About Tech Isn’t Helpful. Here’s a Healthier Approach to Tech.

Parents and children often have vastly different views of (& goals for) technology. These differing views often come into conflict. And in many cases, that escalates into a problem.

“The conflict around technology can cause more harm than the technology itself,” Emily explains. Kids may feel misunderstood, alienated, and not trusted. And parental guilt and stress around technology is harming both parents & kids.

Although it may not seem like it during the tween & teenage years, our kids want to be connected with us. When they don’t feel connected to us due to high and constant conflict, they suffer (often, in ways we can’t see).

Focus on the connection with your child instead of focusing on the tech.

Photo by Photo by KoolShooters via Pexels

Takeaways:

• Parents should focus on balance and individualized approaches to technology use rather than blaming technology for mental health issues.
• Open dialogue and empathy are key in discussing technology use with children and teenagers.
• Technology can be addictive, and it is important to develop critical thinking skills and awareness of its impact.
• The goal is to raise children who have a good internal sense of balance and can make healthy choices in the digital world.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Autonomy-Supportive Parenting: Reduce Parental Burnout and Raise Competent, Confident Children, by Emily Edlynn

www.emilyedlynnphd.com — Emily’s website

The Art & Science of Mom — Emily’s Substack (Be sure to check out Fortnite Creep)

Fortnite is Not a Waste of Time — Building Boys post

Autonomy-Supportive Parenting — ON BOYS episode featuring Emily

How Our Feelings About Technology Affect Our Kids — newsletter by Melinda Wenner-Moyer (mentioned by Emily)

Melinda Wenner Moyer: Raising Boys Who Aren’t Assholes — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: Armoire

Clothing rental subscription that makes getting dressed easier. Visit armoire.style/ONBOYS to get up to 50% OFF your first month.

There’s good reason for that: He’s Not Lazy: Empowering Your Son to Believe in Himself addresses parents’ fears and concerns about their “unmotivated,” “under-performing” teenage sons.

Stop Worrying About Your Boys

Fear is usually at the heart of parents’ concern about their sons’ apparent lack of motivation. We know how important persistence and effort are to success and happiness in life, and we worry that our teenage sons will fail. But our worry is misplaced — and unhelpful, Dr. Price says.

“It’s imperative that you stop worrying,” he says, noting that “it’s the worrying that often causes us to make the wrong decisions in parenting.”

Don’t project into the future, he says. Focus on the here and now. Connect with your son; trust in his development.

Motivating Boys

Human beings are motivated to do the things we want to do. We are not necessarily motivated to do things we have to do.

That truth applies to our boys as well – & explains why so many boys are “unmotivated” to do their homework or chores. To get boys to do things, we need to give them more autonomy. And we need to let them experience consequences and emotions.

Too often, parents take on all the emotional and psychological labor related to boys’ performance in school. “We end up absorbing like a sponge all the negative feelings: You’re not going to do well. You’re not going to get into college,” Dr. Prica says. “What that actually does is free kids up to not worry about it because they know that we’re worrying about it.”

It’s better to let kids feel that conflict and struggle, to allow them space to worry about their future. Their concern for their future will motivate them in a way your concern never will.

Do NOT say, “you’re not living up to your potential.”

“When you tell someone, ‘You’re not living up to your potential,” you’re telling them, ‘You’re not good enough,'” Dr. Price says. Instead, focus on connecting with and empowering your son. Give him autonomy and continued support. Set limits, establish structure, and be patient. Give him the opportunity to grow and mature.

Takeaways:

• Parents should try to stop worrying excessively about their underperforming teenage boys and trust in their growth and development.
• Teenagers are still young and have a lot of time for growth and change.
• Motivation comes from doing things one wants to do, not things one has to do.
• Parents should allow their sons to experience the consequences of their decisions and not shield them from negative feelings.
• Recognize and value different forms of achievement, including skills in video games.
• Parents should praise the process and effort rather than just the end result.
• Gender expectations and societal pressures can influence boys’ motivation and self-esteem. Challenge negative assumptions about boys’ motivation and behavior.
• Set realistic expectations and give kids the opportunity to take responsibility for their actions.
• Recognize that development takes time and maturity may happen at different rates.
• Trust the relationship with your child and focus on building a positive and supportive environment.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

He’s Not Lazy: Empowering Your Son to Believe in Himself, by Adam Price

hesnotlazy.com — Adam’s website

Listener Q & A:Getting Curious & Motivating Boys — ON BOYS episode

Maggie Dent on How to Motivate Boys — ON BOYS episode

Trust Your Boys — Building Boys blog post

Sponsor Spotlight: Dabble & Dollop

Natural bath products for kids. Visit dabbleandollop.com/onboys to get 20% OFF your first order!

Sponsor Spotlight: Armoire

Clothing rental subscription that makes getting dressed easier. Visit armoire.style/ONBOYS to get up to 50% OFF your first month.

Jen in an Armoire dress

As a mom of 3 boys, she knows that raising boys today is a complex endeavor. As she writes in her book, BOYMOM: Reimagining Boyhood in the Age of Impossible Masculinity, “Boys in America (and worldwide) are going through something of a crisis – not only academically but they make up the majority of perpetrators AND also the majority of victims and they are more likely than girls to engage in serious antisocial behavior, along with having mental health issues reaching epidemic levels…Understanding where we are going wrong with raising boys and trying to change those patterns is one of our most urgent cultural projects as a society.

“This is a half-finished revolution.” 

The #MeToo Movement, Boys, & Men

Ruth was 8 1/2 months pregnant with her 3rd son when the #MeToo movement gained global traction.

“That moment was a really complex moment for me,” she says. “On the one hand, my feminist self was like, Great! we’re finally talking about boys & men in a whole new way; we’re finally seeing this is a systemic problem…. But as a mother of boys, it was really complicated because there was this very negative conversation going on about boys and men, which I don’t think is particularly psychologically healthy for boys to grow up hearing.”

It’s important to recognize and address all of the issues that lead to some men behaving badly, but, she says, it’s important to also “give boys a more hopeful vision.” Focusing on what’s wrong with boys and men won’t likely solve anything & may instead alienate and harm boys & men.

Cultural Blind Spots

Like many women, Ruth was well aware of the all ways in which gender & sex shape (& limit) females’ experiences in the world. But she didn’t understand that boys are affected by similar pressures. Until she had sons.

We “have so many blind spots around raising boys,” she says. And while our society has made great strides in encouraging girls, women, nonbinary, and genderfluid humans, cis boys are still hemmed in by cultural expectations and stereotypes. In our current cultural moment, conversations about boys frequently focus on their potential to cause harm.

That’s problematic, Ruth says.

“I want my boys to have a narrative about themselves that’s rooted in something other than harm and violence,” she says. “I don’t want their story to just be ‘I’m this potential predator and the best that I can hope for my life is that I won’t rape anybody.‘ I want them to also be able to thrive and find pride, joy, and connection.”

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Ruth discuss:

• Parenting boys as a feminist
• Why politicizing boys’ issues isn’t helpful – & why we need to listen to diverse viewpoints
• Seeing boys as more than potential predators
• Boys & school
• Male development
• How “undercare” harms boys
• The stories we share w boys
• Boys’ friendships
• Listening to boys
• The “contradictory pressures” on boys

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

BOYMOM: Reimagining Boyhood in the Age of Impossible Masculinity — Ruth’s book

ruthwhippman.com — Ruth’s website (includes links to her upcoming events)

I Blame Society — Ruth’s Substack newsletter

Masculinity in the Land of #MeToo — ON BOYS episode

Men are Not Monsters – 2015 essay by Jen

Sponsor Spotlight: Dabble & Dollop

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Sponsor Spotlight: Armoire

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Sponsor Spotlight: ByHeart 

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• The end of an era (Jen’s last son finishes high school!)
• What Jen will NOT miss about having a kid a school
• How parenting is like labor & birth
• Transactional vs. relational communication
• Letting boys take control of aspects of their life
• Rebuilding trust
• Apologizing to your kids

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Emails & Phone Calls from Teachers — ON BOYS episode

Why Boy Moms Need Mentors Too — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: Dabble & Dollop

Natural bath products for kids. Visit dabbleandollop.com/onboys to get 20% OFF your first order!

Sponsor Spotlight: Armoire

Clothing rental subscription that makes getting dressed easier. Visit armoire.style/ONBOYS to get up to 50% OFF your first month.

Sponsor Spotlight: ByHeart 

Get 10% off your first order using code ONBOYS at byheart.com

Those are the words of Julia Pinksy, an Oregon-based mom who lost her son to an opioid overdose.

“It’s been 10 years since he passed,” she says,”which seems unbelievable.”

In the years since, Julia has devoted herself to opioid overdose education and prevention. Today, she teaches others about opioids & Narcan.

Opioid Addiction Can Affect Anyone

Opioids don’t discriminate. Although some people may be more biologically or psychologcially susceptible to addition than others, anyone can become addicted.

“Anyone — it doesn’t matter how intelligent, how educated, how knowledgable about drugs you are — it doesn’t stop your body or mind from becoming reliant on it,” Julia says.

Narcan Saves Lives

Naloxone (better known as Narcan) can immediately reverse the effects of opioids – & save lives. That’s why Julia thinks that every parent should have – & learn how to use — naloxone. It’s also a good idea to teach your kids how to use it.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Julia discuss:

• Why all parents need to know about opioids & narcan
• Why some people are so susceptiable to opioid addiction
• Appropriate management of prescription opioid medication
• How Narcan works
• Signs of an opioid overdose
• How to administer naloxone

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Max’s Mission – non-profit organization dedicated to overdose education & prevention

Real Talk About Fentanyl, Opioids, & Marijuana — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: ByHeart 

Get 10% off your first order using code ONBOYS at byheart.com

Sponsor Spotlight: Winona

Menopause care made easy!

Visit bywinona.com/onboys & use code ONBOYS to get 25% your first order.

Sponsor Spotlight: EZ Melts

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Sponsor Spotlight: Dabble & Dollop

Natural bath products for kids. Visit dabbleandollop.com/onboys to get 20% OFF your first order!

Sponsor Spotlight: Armoire

Clothing rental subscription that makes getting dressed easier. Visit armoire.style/ONBOYS to get up to 50% OFF your first month.

Are boys the problem? Is there something about masculinity, something about male biology that contributes to these disparate outcomes? Or, are schools the problem? Does the curriculum and environment somehow inhibit boys’ success?

Yes. Boys mature more slowly than their female peers, so they’re generally not as well-equipped for the challenges of school as their similarly-aged female peers. Current masculinity standards also ridicule academic achievement or effort and make it difficult for boys to ask for help. And, most school curriculum and practices don’t align well with boys’ needs.

In far too many cases, though, adults make things worse rather than better for boys in school. Adult misunderstanding of male development, coupled with intrinsic bias (and intensified by the fact that educators are now being asked to do too many things, with too few resources & too little support), causes many adults to inadvertently exacerbate boys’ problems. And that’s a problem for all of us.

Photo by Mikhail Nilov via Pexels

In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss:

• Why boys struggle in school
• How adults unintentially exacerabate boys’ problems
• Setting boys up for school success (Choose a play-oriented preschool instead of an academically-oriented one!)
• Meeting boys’ needs in school

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

When Your Kid is the Classroom Problem Child — The Cut article

Why Are Kids Being Forced to Eat Lunch in Silence? — Guardian article

Schools — Not Boys — Behaving Badly — Jen’s Building Boys Bulletin about both these articles

Boys & School — Building Boys post about the black walnut incident

Moving Into the Red: Boys & Education — article by Jen about her son’s kindergarten experience

Gifted & Twice-Exception (2E) Boys — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: My Life in a Book

Sponsor Spotlight: Armoire

Clothing rental subscription that makes getting dressed easier. Visit armoire.style/ONBOYS to get up to 50% OFF your first month.

Sponsor Spotlight: Winona

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Visit bywinona.com/onboys & use code ONBOYS to get 25% your first order.

Sponsor Spotlight: ByHeart 

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Sponsor Spotlight: EZ Melts

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Between October 2021 & March 2023, the FBI & Homeland Security Investigation received more than 13,000 reports of online sextortion of minors. Most of the victims were boys. At least 20 boys have already died by suicide after experiencing sextortion.

The FBI is so concerned about these trends that they reached out to ON BOYS podcast. Agents are working to shutdown sextorionists, but they know that parents play a key role in keeping boys safe too.

“This trend of targeting boys for financial sextortion — where photos are taken or provided by the boy and then used to extort them for funds, under the impression that they will be shared online — is a scheme that seems to have emerged in the last few years,” says Chris Crocker, Acting Special Agent in Charge of the FBI St. Louis division.

Protecting Boys From Sextortion

Boys ages 14-17 seem to be the primary targets. Sextortionists connect with boys via online platforms (including gaming sites and social media; they often represent themselves as attractive teenage girls, show a lot of interest, perhaps share a sexy photo of “themselves,” and then ask the boy to reciprocate. When he does, they threaten to share the image unless the boy sends them money.

“The boys we’ve seen fall for these schemes are not dumb kids. They’re not kids that were necessarily obviously at any sort of risk. They’re good kids, good students, athletes, model kids, the kind of boys you would want your son to grow up to be,” Chris says. “These are not bad kids; these are good kids who make poor decisions. Every person is susceptible to doing that from time to time.”

Talk to your boys about sextortion, so they will talk to you if it occurs to them (or a friend). Make sure they know that you will help them, not yell at them or punish them.

“It is very important for parents to constantly reassure their children that they can come to them with something like this. Building that trust with your child is really important to avoiding these things – maybe not from occurring ever, but from reaching the worst possible outcome,” Chris says.”This is a really complex issue and there’s no easy way to handle it, but spreading awareness will prevent more of these outcomes.”

Chris Crocker, Acting Special Agent in Charge of the FBI St. Louis Division

To Report Sextortion:

To contact the FBI, dial 1-800-CALL-FBI or use tips.fbi.gov to provide information online.

The FBI’s partner at the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children provides guidance on how to remove nude photos online that were taken before a person was 18 years old: https://takeitdown.ncmec.org/

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Chris discuss:

• What sextortion is
• Why boys are often victims
• How to talk to boys about sextortion
• What to do if someone is experiencing sextortion
• What happens when your report sextortion
• What social media sites are doing to combat sextortion

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Sextortion: A Growing Threat Preying on Our Nation’s Teens

A Teen’s Death in a Small Michigan Town Led the FBI & Police to an Online Sexual Extortion Scheme

This Boy’s Story Highlights Why Instagram’s Taking a New Stance on DMs

Instagram to Crack Down on Teen Sextortion

Maggie Dent: What Teenage Boys Really Need — ON BOYS episode

Talk with Boys Like a PRO (about anything & everything!) — Jen & Janet’s upcoming course (starts May 7, 2024)

Sponsor Spotlight: EZ Melts

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Sponsor Spotlight: ByHeart 

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Sponsor Spotlight: My Life in a Book

In fact, most teen boys experiment with them at some point. Approximately 80% of teenage boys say they’ve used a protein supplement within the last 12 months, says Kyle Ganson, an assistant professor who researches boys and body image.

“There’s a very broad list of performance enhancers, including dietary supplements and other substances that are perfectly legal and readily available to young people,” Kyle says. These substances are “purported to help you with your performance, with building strength, and with your appearance, but there’s not a lot of research on them and a lot of nuance to them.”

Whether they’re looking for this info or not, boys are likely to encounter it online. There are a plethora of social media influencers who hawk supplements and explicitly discuss their workout routines, nutrition, and dietary supplements. Not all of that information is accurate. In many cases, these influencers gain financially when they promote supplements.

Understanding boys’ motivation to use these substances is key to supporting them. An abstinence-only approach isn’t likely to work — and not necessary, in most cases, Kyle says. It’s better to engage boys in conversation and help them meet their goals.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Kyle discuss:

• Protein supplements, creatine, amino acids, pre-workout supplements, & energy drinks
• Steroids & synthetic hormones, including testosterone
• How media influences (& creates) unrealistic body image ideals for boys
• Why boys use performance enhancing supplements
• Helping boys find accurate information
• Typical paths to supplement use
• Talking to boys about performance enhancing substances
• Masculine norms & muscle-building behaviors
• Regulation (& lack of regulation!) of supplements & performance enhancing drugs

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACES) & Muscle Dysmorphia — previous ON BOYS episode w Kyle

Boys & Body Image – ON BOYS episode

Zac Efron Admits Bulking Up for Baywatch “Messed” Him Up

Rob McElhenney from “Always Sunny” Reveals How He Got So Ripped

Safety Reporting Portal — site consumers can use to report adverse events

Sponsor Spotlight: My Life in a Book

Sponsor Spotlight: Factor 

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Sponsor Spotlight: Winona

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Sponsor Spotlight: ByHeart 

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Sponsor Spotlight: Armoire

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At present, there are no governmental commissions working on behalf of boys and men in the United States. Not at the federal level & not at the state level. Even though boys lag behind girls in academic achievement and boys & men experience suicide, murder, drug & alcohol addiction, homelessness, incarceration, & early death at disproportionately high rates. And even though there are multiple commissions dedicated to addressing & advancing the needs of girls and women.

Blair Daly, founder of the Washington Initiative for Boys & Men (WIBM) is working to change that.

“The male population, I think, can be described as an under-advocated-for population group,” Blair says. “There’s very little organized advocacy.”

That’s why he created WIBM, which combines advocacy journalism and grassroots political action to draw attention to the unique needs of boys and men in Washington state. As a result, Washington state may become the first state in the US to establish a Commission on Boys & Men.

“Without a focus on the male population, we think a lot is being missed,” Blair says. Advocacy is necessary to focus attention on (& find solutions for) issues that disproportionately harm boys & men.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Blair discuss:

• Why boys need advocacy
• Challenges in advocating for boys & men
• Developing and demonstrating diverse support for boys
• How to talk about boys’ issues
• The power of local advocacy
• Why moms of boys are such great advocates for boys
• How to start advocating for boys

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Washington Initiative for Boys & Men

7 Democrats, 7 Republicans Sponsor 2024 Commission on Boys & Men Legislation — article highlighting the diverse support for a WA Commission on Boys & Men

Updated one-pager about WA legislation to develop a Commission on Boys & Men

What is the Washington Initiative for Boys & Men? Blair Daly Explains — YouTube video

Boys Moms as Boy Advocates — ON BOYS episode featuring Gemma Gaudette

50/50 Shared Parenting — ON BOYS episode

Real Talk about Fentanyl, Opioids, & Marijuana — ON BOYS episode

Talk with Boys Like a PRO (about anything & everything!) — Jen & Janet’s upcoming course (starts May 7, 2024)

Sponsor Spotlight: My Life in a Book

Sponsor Spotlight: Armoire

Clothing rental subscription that makes getting dressed easier. Visit armoire.style/ONBOYS to get up to 50% OFF your first month.

Sponsor Spotlight: ByHeart 

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Sponsor Spotlight: Factor 

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In fact, boys who are gifted or twice-exceptional (which means they are gifted & have a learning disability) are considered “problem kids.” Teachers (and other adults) may make boredom as lack of focus, or assume that poor grades indicate lack of intelligence. For many 2E boys, their learning disabilities overshadow their giftedness; for others, their giftedness hides their learning disabilities, says Deborah (Deb) Gennarelli, a gifted education specialist who is also the author of Twice-Exceptional Boys: A Roadmap to Getting it Right. 

Intensity is part of giftedness — a part that frequently presents challenges for gifted & 2E boys. “Intensity is treated different in boys than in girls in this culture,” Deb says. Teachers & parents may punish or try to “fix” boys’ intensity, which typically only creates more problems.

Gifted & 2E boys need support to thrive. “We can’t ignore the fact that students that have high intelligence look at things in different ways, behave in different ways, learn in different ways,” Deb says. “With the right support, these boys can go from surviving to thriving.”

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Deb discuss:

• Myths & misconceptions about gifted & 2E boys
• Special challenges for gifted & 2E boys
• Why many smart boys struggle in school
• Advocating for gifted & 2E boys
• Parenting gifted & 2E boys

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Twice-Exceptional Boys: A Roadmap to Getting it Right, by Deborah Gennarelli, M.Ed.

www.deborahgennarelli.com — Deb’s website

Twice-Exceptional Boys (w Ramsey Hootman) — ON BOYS episode

When Your Kid is the Classroom Problem Child — heartbreaking The Cut article about a 2E boy

Twice Exceptional Students — info from the National Association for Gifted Children

Twice Exceptional — classic Building Boys post

Talk with Boys Like a PRO (about anything & everything!) — Jen & Janet’s upcoming course (starts May 7, 2024)

Sponsor Spotlight: My Life in a Book

Sponsor Spotlight: Factor 

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Sponsor Spotlight: ByHeart 

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“It is very easy to get drugs on social media,” says Michelle Leopold, a mother who’s son, Trevor, died after taking a pill he purchase online.

Ignoring these uncomfortable fact isn’t helpful. We have to educate ourselves and educate our boys. Here’s why:

Marijuana harms young brains

Today’s marijuana and marijuana-based products are far stronger than those of the past.

“It’s so important to learn about today’s marijuana,”Michelle says. Although marijuana and THC products are now legal in many states, study after study has shown that these products are not safe for developing brains.

Fentanyl kills

In 2019, Trevor, age 18, swallowed a blue pill he thought was oxycodone. It wasn’t.

Despite its markings, there was no oxycodone in the pill. The pill Trevor purchased was a counterfeit pill, & it contained fentanyl, a narcotic that’s 100 times more powerful than morphine, 50 times more powerful than heroin—and lethal at just a few grains.

Trevor didn’t get high; Trevor died.

According to the US. Dept of Justice, over 150 people die every day from overdoses related to synthetic opioids like fentanyl. As many as 7 in 10 counterfeit pills — pills sold online & purported to be oxycodone or other “prescription” meds — may now contain a lethal dose of fentanyl.

“People now need to assume that any drug they don’t get from their pharmacist has fentanyl in it,” Michelle says. “The odds are not in your favor.”

“I am going to use Trevor’s story to prevent other parents from losing their children.” — Michelle Leopold

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Michelle discuss:

• How marijuana can affect teens & families
• Recognizing signs of drug use
• Cannabinoid hyperemesis syndrome
• Parenting a child who is using substances
• Just Say KNOW vs. Just Say No
• Where teens and young adults are getting drugs & pills
• Getting & using naloxone (Narcan)
• Recognizing & responding to an overdose

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Marijuana to Fentanyl: My Son is More Than a Statistic — post by Michelle

www.wearenotalone.community — Michelle’s blog (packed w info!)

Addiction Inoculation w Jessica Lahey — ON BOYS episode

Troubled Boys (w Kenneth R Rosen) — ON BOYS episode

Another View of Wilderness Therapy — ON BOYS episode

http://drugfree.org/  and toll-free Helpline (1-855-DRUGFREE / 1-855-378-4373) 

TheNewDrugTalk.org

SAMHSA National Helpline 1-800-662-4357 (Confidential free help, from public health agencies, to find substance use treatment and information)

SongForCharlie.org 

https://www.dea.gov/onepill

dancesafe.org (Fentanyl Test Strips and Drug Checking Kits)

Adding Naloxone to Your First Aid Kit — Decipher Your Health post (NOTE: Jen now has naloxone in her home)

shatterproof.org — includes a Narcan training video

Al-Anon — support for family & friends of people w alcohol use disorder

Nar-Anon — support for family & friends of people who use narcotics

Sponsor Spotlight: Armoire

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Jen’s Feb. Armoire haul

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But it’s not yet the norm, despite decades of research demonstrating the value of shared parenting.

“It’s one part sexism and one part misunderstanding of the latest social science around what it best for kids,” says Emma Johnson, author of The 50/50 Solution: The Surprising Simple Choice that Makes Moms, Dads, and Kids Happier & Healthier After a Divorce. “”Thankfully, we are barreling toward a better future. No one’s really been able to quantify where or how often 50/50 is happening, but it’s definitely better than when I divorced 15 years ago.”

Why 50/50 parenting should be the default

Children (and parents) thrive when they have regular, close connection. The exact number of minutes or days children and parents spend together isn’t as important as regular, routine interaction — and that’s what 50/50 shared parenting schedules provide.

“Kids then know, intellectually, emotionally, and in their hearts that my mom and dad are both in it to win it. No one’s going to check out, slip out, or move away. No one’s got the upper hand,” Emma says.

Shared parenting also gives both parents time to practice parenting and time to focus on work, adult connections, and self-care. And seeing both parents actively involved in parenting and work broadens children’s ideas of work and family. As Emma writes in her book, “An equal 50/50 parenting presumption is the one policy change that could dramatically help tens of millions of children, their families, and communities, without any additional funding.”

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Emma discuss:

• Benefits of shared parenting for parents & children
• The role of sexism in parenting – & parenting decisions post-divorce
• Why you need to let go of the idea of being the “better” parent
• Parental gatekeeping
• Sharing caregiving and financial responsibility
• Co-parenting when your separation or divorce was not amicable
• Societal benefits of 50/50 parenting

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

The 50/50 Solution: The Surprising Simple Choice that Makes Moms, Dads, and Kids Happier & Healthier After a Divorce, by Emma Johnson

Single Parenting w Wealthy Single Mommy Emma Johnson –– ON BOYS episode

Parenting Boys Thru Divorce — ON BOYS episode

Is Shared Parenting Best for Boys After Divorce? — BuildingBoys post

Moms for Shared Parenting –– an activist organization promoting equally shared parenting 

Sponsor Spotlight: Armoire

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Even if they’ve experienced a lot of adversity.

“Adversity experienced by children is not a rare event, but a relatively common event,” says Marc, author of Vulnerable Minds: The Harms of Childhood Trauma & the Hope of Resilience. Adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) may include abuse, violence, neglect, poverty, and loss of a caregiver, and these experiences can negatively affect kids’ development.

But although research linking ACEs to behavioral problems and decreased academic achievement has been around for more than two decades, many adults still do not understand that adverse experiences may be at the root of children’s behavioral issues. Boys who act up (or out) at school, at home, or in the community are frequently met with punishment, not understanding.

Shifting your mindset from What’s wrong with you? to What happened to you? What’s happening? can be “transformative,” Marc says.

The 5 Ts (& How They Impact ACEs)

All adverse experiences are not equal. There are 5 Ts that can impact a child’s adverse experiences:

Type  – Poverty may impact a child differently than sexual abuse or loss of a caregiver, for instance.

Tenure  – How long is the child exposed to the adverse experience? Is it relatively fleeting, or a persistent issue over many months or years?

Timing – When, during the child’s development, did they experience an adverse event? Some ACEs are particularly impactful if they occur during specific phases of development.

Toxicity  — This describes the severity of the event. Broadly speaking, severe physical abuse is typically more impactful than mild physical abuse.

Turbulence – How unpredictable and uncontrollable is the event?

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Marc discuss:

• Prevalence of ACEs
• How exposure to trauma affects parents & their parenting practices
• ACEs impact on males
• The COVID pandemic’s impact on boys
• Strategies boys (& others) can use to mitigate the impact of ACEs

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Vulnerable Minds: The Harms of Childhood Trauma & the Hope of Resilience, by Marc Hauser

marcdhauser.com — Marc’s website

risk-eraser.com

“Whole Child, Whole Life” with Stephanie Malia Krauss — ON BOYS episode

Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) & Muscle Dysphoria — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: Armoire

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Jen’s Feb. Armoire haul

Sponsor Spotlight: Dabble & Dollop

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Fighting about video games, however, isn’t helpful, says Alok Kanojia (aka Dr. K), author of How to Raise a Healthy Gamer: End Power Struggles, Break Bad Screen Habits, and Transform Your Relationship with Your Kids.

“Right now, there is an antagonistic relationship between most parents & their kids around video gaming,” Dr. K says. “You think they need to cut back; they don’t think they have a problem. Then, as parents start to institute limits, children will try to undermine them. Even if you ‘win’ in this scenario, you lose.”

It’s more helpful, he says, to establish a collaborative relationship. Ask your child what he enjoys about gaming. Listen carefully to his answers, with an ear to understanding. Really work to understand what he gets from gaming, and ask questions to help him reflect on the role of video games in his life.

This takes time — and it’s time well invested.

“The time scale that a lot of parents operate on around video games is too small,” Dr. K says. Slow down, & don’t impose solutions. Instead, work on shared problem-solving. “This shifts the dynamic from ‘us vs them’ to ‘we’re on the same team.’ And the moment we make that shift, we see some beautiful changes.”

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Dr. K discuss:

• Why video games are so problematic for many boys & their families
• The role of gaming in boys’ lives
• Video game addiction
• Handling boys’ resistance
• Why you should never make & enforce a boundary at the same time
• Why you shouldn’t use gaming as a disciplinary tool (or reward)
• Responding to kids who won’t put down their phone

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

How to Raise a Healthy Gamer: End Power Struggles, Break Bad Screen Habits, and Transform Your Relationship with Your Kids, by Alok Kanojia (aka Dr. K)

www.healthygamer.gg — Dr. K’s website

Why are Video Games So Important to Boys? — ON BOYS episode

The Evolution of Esports — ON BOYS episode

The Link Between Freedom & Video Games — BuildingBoys blog post

Why Boys Play Video Games – BuildingBoys blog post

Sponsor Spotlight: Armoire

Clothing rental subscription that makes getting dressed easier. Visit armoire.style/ONBOYS to get up to 50% OFF your first month.

Jen’s Feb. Armoire haul

Sponsor Spotlight: HomeThreads

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Sponsor Spotlight: American Blossom Linens

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Sponsor Spotlight: Dabble & Dollop

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That’s a big, important question, and that’s exactly what Jennifer wants to know:

Lately, as he is resisting my normal questioning…I feel like I am now pushing him to evaluate his feelings, talk to me, or just engage…I have seen this cute, fun challenge of showing a person two pieces of paper. Each one has something different written in it. The recipient who is choosing the paper has no idea what is on the other side. At one time, this fun way to choose an adventure with me would have been exciting. Today was the exact opposite. He whined, then slithered down in his seat. Covered his face. I was taken aback. So I “got curious”. I asked him what was he feeling. “I don’t know”. I asked him if he thought I would put something un-fun on them. “I don’t know.” Why. Are you feeling like a lack of control? “I don’t know”. I probed a bit more, but you get the idea…

Well-meaning mom + fun idea + teen boy = Disappointment & discomfort

Timing may have been part of the problem. When talking to teenage boys, it’s best to avoid after-school surprises. It’s better to give them a heads-up; let them know, in advance, that you want to talk with (or do something) with them – and then, together, figure out good time.

And as for getting curious, Jen reminds listeners that “getting curious” can be internal. Instead of interrogating your son, get quiet. Think about what might be going on under the surface. Read, listen, and learn about what may be going on with your son.

Other questions we address include:

My son had undiagnosed learning differences for many years. We have changed schools a few times, but his motivation is at an all-time low…I read in a lot of literature that kids often lack motivation because of their relationship with their parents. We generally have a good relationship, but we worry that he still feels we failed him all those years ago…

and

 I get calls from the school that my boys misbehave…They usually get a consequence at school. How harsh should I follow up at home, do they need a second punishment?

and

If my junior has a winter dance coming up, and I think he should go, can I make him go or bribe him, or is this me living vicariously through him?

and also:

I’d like to hear something about the “other” teens. The ones who hide their insecurities behind perfection…So growing up they miss out on opportunities, camps, jobs… How do I help them become more confident? How do I help them see their value, take initiative and try new stuff?

and

I’m reluctant to let my kid go to summer camp… nervous… and how do I actually GET him to go?

Note Jen’s sweater – it’s a rental from Armoire, one of our sponsors!

In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss:

• Why teenage boys don’t embrace (& often reject) our ideas
• The importance of real self-care
• Managing fear & guilt
• Boys’ motivation
• Responding to misbehavior & phone calls from school
• Perfectionism
• Summer camp & separation anxiety

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Boost Boys’ Motivation –– our online course

Listener Q & A: Punishment, Teenage Boys, & Letting Go — Q & A from late 2023

Needed: Boy-Friendly Schools — ON BOYS episode

Debt Free Mom Discusses Family Finances –– ON BOYS episode

Emails & Phone Calls from Teachers — ON BOYS episode

Sleepovers, Camp, & Separation Anxiety — ON BOYS episode

Building Boys Bulletin — Jen’s Substack newsletter

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Sponsor Spotlight: Dabble & Dollop

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Yet family finances affect every aspect of family life: A family’s stress level, as well as housing, education, and recreational choices. Family finances play into decisions such as rec sports or travel team? Private school or public school? And, of course, our attitude and money habits affects our children as well. Our boys learn a lot about money management — both good and bad! – from us.

On Budgeting & Money Management

“A budget is simply a tool, a way to arrive at an outcome that’s not going to happen by accident,” Carly says.

Step one in budgeting (or creating a money plan) is to understand the gap — either positive or negative — between your income & expenses. “Any financial goal that we have is all going to be driven by the gap between our income and our expenses.”

You may not have a financial cushion; your expenses may regularly exceed your income. That’s stressful. And stress and overwhelm can cause us to freak out and/or ignore our financial situation. Instead, Carly recommends radical acceptance.

“We have to radically accept what’s already happened,” she says. You can’t go back and un-borrow your student loans or choose a different job. Take some deep breaths and look at your real numbers — how much money you owe and how much you have. (Often, Carly says, things aren’t as dire as people think.)

Once you know your numbers, do NOT jump to creating a budget. Instead, think about what you’re trying to achieve. What goal would you like to work towards? A good first goal is to consistently spend less than you make. Don’t worry about saving or paying down debt yet.

Next, focus on your financial circle of influence. You can’t control grocery prices; you can control how quickly you press “buy” online.

If you’re struggling to see a path forward — if you’ve already cut expenses and don’t see a way to increase your income — it may be wise to get outside advice. “We’re often too close to our own situation to see an alternate path,” Carly says. An outside advisor (who may be a friend or financial professional) isn’t emotionally involved and may be able to see alternatives that you can’t.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Carly discuss:

• Budgeting, saving, spending
• Why your parents’ money advice may not work for you
• How having a money plan can ease stress
• Understanding your financial circle of influence
• Establishing clear goals & clear incentives
• Negotiating conflicting financial priorities
• Resisting pressure to buy

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

debtfreemom.co — Carly’s website

The Debt Free Mom podcast

Teach Boys Money Management — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: Armoire

Clothing rental subscription that makes getting dressed easier. Visit armoire.style/ONBOYS to get up to 50% OFF your first month.

Jen’s Feb. Armoire haul

Sponsor Spotlight: Dabble & Dollop

Natural bath products for kids. Visit dabbleandollop.com/onboys to get 20% OFF your first order!

Sponsor Spotlight: Winona

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“They want to know how to do it well,” she says, noting that most dads have little experience caring for (or interacting with!) children prior to becoming a parent. Moms, though, often unconsciously interfere with dads’ parenting efforts by criticizing fathers or insisting that dads follow their parenting directives.

“If you keep telling a boy or a man they’re ‘doing it wrong,’ they’ll just stop,” Maggie says. “Moms have to let go a bit. You’ve got to step back.”

Dads need time to figure out parenting too. They need space to make mistakes (& discoveries!) And they need to know that we value their contributions.

Boys (and girls and nonbinary children) do best when dads are involved. Building up dads benefits boys!

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Maggie discuss:

• Changing expectations for dads
• Maternal gatekeeping
• Creating “team parent”
• How dads support one another
• Using “dad dates” to connect with your kids
• Supporting dads

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

MaggieDent.com — Maggie’s website (LOTS of good stuff here, including a link to her podcast, Parental as Anything, and links to her courses & books)

The Good Enough Dad — podcast hosted by Maggie

Dads Matter (w Marion Hill) — ON BOYS episode

Dads, Boys, & Masculinity — ON BOYS episode

Maggie Dent on How to Motivate Boys — 2022 ON BOYS episode

Maggie Dent: What Teenage Boys Really Need — 2020 ON BOYS episode

Maggie Dent on Mothering Boys (Part 1) — ON BOYS episode

Maggie Dent on Mothering Boys (Part 2) — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: HomeThreads

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When her daughter was born, there was music and laughter in the birthing room. When her disabled son was born, there was no music. No laughter. In fact, everyone swept out of the room soon after the baby’s birth, taking him with them. Jacyln hadn’t even had a chance to say hello.

Raising a disabled son alongside two typically-developing children (her daughter and youngest son) presents unique challenges and opportunities.

“I’ve learned, from my son, how to advocate for and speak up for my son, and it’s taught me how to do that for myself and other people in my family,” says Jaclyn, a writer who’s working on a memoir that’s tentatively titled Keeping Us Together. “There’s something about having children that makes you brave in a way you haven’t been before.”

Advocating for inclusion

Henry, Jacyln’s disabled son, will likely never walk or talk. The world at large isn’t very accessible to those who don’t walk and talk (or see, hear, speak, sense, and act like most others), so it’s difficult for Jacklyn’s family to do things together.

“I don’t want my husband to take my son and I take the other two. I don’t want us to have to divide and conquer,” she says. “I want us to experience life together.”

Henry’s siblings have long found ways to include him. “They will go to people’s houses on Halloween and say, ‘My brother can’t come up here because you have stairs. Could you please come downstairs?'” Jacyln says.

Others aren’t always accommodating, and too many people don’t make an effort to include people with disabilities. Some people even instruct their young kids to “look away” when they see a person with disabilities. These parents may believe they’re teaching their children not to stare at people who look or act differently, but it’s better, Jacyln says, to model curiosity and kindness.

“To me, the worst thing someone can say is, ‘don’t stare; look away,’ because they’re teaching a child to ignore somebody who looks different rather than to learn about them and engage with them,” she says. “It’s okay to stumble. It’s okay to say the wrong thing. Ask what’s the right thing. Ask ‘how can I include you?'”

In this episode, Janet & Jaclyn discuss:

• Parenting typically-developing & disabled children
• Inclusion & accessibility
• Managing mom guilt
• Pulling together a team of specialists
• Advocating for your disabled child
• Resources for parents of disabled boys
• Asking for (& receiving) help

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

jaclyngreenbergwriter.com – Jaclyn’s website

What My Children’s Relationship Taught Me About Accessibility & Inclusion — ScaryMommy article by Jaclyn

How an Adaptive Game Controller Helps My Family Bond – Wired article by Jaclyn

Sponsor Spotlight: Dabble & Dollop

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Sponsor Spotlight: HomeThreads

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For most of us — and many of our kids — middle school is a pretty miserable time. But that’s largely because most educators and parents misunderstand middle schoolers & these critical years.

“This is a very pervasive story, that middle school is terrible. But it doesn’t have to be. We make it terrible by working directly against the developmental needs of middle schoolers and designing these buildings and classes in way that make their lives really hard,” says veteran educator Chris Balme, author of Finding the Magic in Middle School: Tapping into the Power and Potential of the Middle School Years.

Middle Schoolers Have Unique Developmental Needs

There are two time periods in our lives when the brain is growing the fastest: the early childhood years (approximately ages 0-5) and early adolescence (approximately ages 11-16). In early adolescence, “the brain reforms itself as a social brain,” Chris says. That’s why middle schoolers are so acutely attuned to their peers (and seem more interested in social situations than academics).

Middle schoolers progress through predictable developmental stages:

• Belonging. A middle schooler “needs to feel as if there’s one group, or at least one person, that they feel safe with, who wants them to be here and is consistent,” Chris says. If they don’t have that sense of belonging, they can’t show up to their full potential.
• Achievement. During this stage, kids “try to show what they’ve got,” Chris says. They want to show that they can do things of value. Note: Kids can only move into achievement once they feel a solid sense of belonging.
• Authenticity. This stage involves figuring out what they really like (& don’t like.). Kids eventually learn to express more of their authentic self in their daily lives.

Helping Boys Thrive Despite Less-Than-Ideal Middle Schools

“If a school doesn’t give at least a third of the day for social and movement time, it is holding our kids back developmentally,” Chris says.

Of course, many of our boys attend middle schools that don’t prioritize movement and socialization. So, it’s on parents to help them thrive. One way we can do this, Chris says, is to be weird. Middle schoolers can (& should) see their parents pursue hobbies and interests — and see us resolve conflicts and cope with challenges.

If your son is getting into trouble at a school that doens’t respect his needs for movement, socialization, belonging, and achievement, your number one priority should be to “not make it worse,” Chris says. “School has made this child’s life harder than it needs to be.” Instead, work with your child to understand what’s beneath his behavior. Help him figure out other ways to meet his needs.

“We can stress a little bit less about academics in middle school,” Chris says. “If we actually help someone finish middle school feeling like they have some sense of who they are authentically, and they’re confident and skillful enough to put that out in the social world, and they’ve got some friendships based on their authentic sense of self, that is such a win.

“That is really what I think the goal posts should be for middle school.”

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Chris discuss:

• Why modern middle school is a miserable experience for many middle schoolers & their families
• Developmental needs of middle schoolers
• “Twinning” — when tweens copy others’ look or behavior
• How parents & educators can help tweens & teens work toward belonging, achievement, & authenticity
• Why you should STRESS LESS ABOUT ACADEMICS
• Giving middle schoolers more responsibility

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Finding the Magic in Middle School: Tapping into the Power and Potential of the Middle School Years, by Chris Balme

chrisbalme.com — Chris’s website

Growing Wiser — Chris’s Substack newsletter

What Middle School Boys Need — ON BOYS episode

Braden Bell Explains Middle School Boys — ON BOYS episode

Middle School Matters w Phyllis Fagell — ON BOYS episode

Phyllis Fagell Discusses Middle School Superpowers — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: Dabble & Dollop

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Sponsor Spotlight: Winona

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Sponsor Spotlight: HomeThreads

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That’s one (big!) reason why boys lag behind girls academically. And why so many boys hate going to school. 

Tyler, a 16-year-old Texas boy, started struggling in middle school. Recess was no more. Classes were 90 minutes long. So, “he found it really hard to sit still in class,” says Julie Jargon, the Wall Street Journal Family & Tech columnist who interviewed Tyler for her series on boys and education. Now a high school student, Tyler suggests that “instead of making guys change the way they behave, maybe schools should change the way they’re structured.”

Boy-friendly education practices

Movement helps humans remain alert and engaged. Simply shifting activities every 15 minutes or so can boost boys’ (and girls’) performance in the classroom. Time outside is helpful as well. Visual cues can help keep boys on track too. Boy-friendly schools also prioritize hands-on learning.

“A lot of these things that are beneficial for boys are the same for girls. It’s not that girls need something vastly different,” Julie says. “The things that benefit boys also benefit girls. You can adopt boy-friendly practices in your school without being unfriendly to girls.”

All students benefit from time to reflect on — and correct — academic, social, and behavioral mistakes. One of the all-boys schools Julie wrote about uses a restorative justice approach, she says.

“Instead of just punishing them, they give boys an opportunity to talk about it and apologize,” Julie says. That approach helps boys hone their emotional intelligence and communication skills.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Julie discuss:

• Why so many boys struggle in middle school
• How misunderstanding male development contributes to boys’ problems in school
• Workarounds parents use to help boys
• Boy-friendly education practices
• Pushing back against developmentally inappropriate expectations
• Single-sex vs coed schools & classes
• Support for parents of boys

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Boys are Struggling. It Can Take Coaches, Tutors, and Thousands a Month to Fix That — WSJ article by Julie

Inside the Schools Where Boys Can Be Boys — WSJ article by Julie

Losing a Grandparent Hurts Boys at School — Scientific American article

Set Boys Up for School Success — ON BOYS episode

Boys in School Task Force –– ON BOYS episode

The Gender Equation in Schools — ON BOYS episode

Boy Moms as Boy Advocates — ON BOYS episode featuring Gemma Gaudette

Sponsor Spotlight: Winona

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Sponsor Spotlight: Dabble & Dollop

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It may start as early as age 9 in boys – which means that the mood swings you’re seeing in your 10-year-old son could well be puberty-related. After all, as Cara Natterson & Vanessa Kroll Bennett write in their book This is So Awkward: Modern Puberty Explained, “The very first sign of puberty in most kids is a slamming door.” 

Most parents of boys aren’t prepared for male puberty. (And may be in denial when the first signs start appearing.) The earliest physical symptoms of male puberty aren’t obvious & typically occur around the same time your son starts seeking more privacy. So “you might not actually know when your kid is in puberty,” Vanessa says.

Why your 10-year-old son may be acting like a 16-year-old

Sex hormones fuel the physical changes that occur during puberty. (Testosterone is the primary male sex hormone.) These hormones also have a tremendous impact on our kids’ moods and well-being. And high levels of testosterone are linked to rage, as well as boys’ “swing to silence” during puberty.

“When those hormones rise and fall, they do not do so gracefully,” says Cara, a pediatrician. “They do not do so slowly. It’s high, high, HIGH, rapid surge, and then you’re off the edge of the cliff and you’re pummeling to the floor. Those hormones drop and bottom out.” These swings can happen in a matter of hours. And that, Cara says, “is what you are seeing when your kid behaves like a jerk.”

Kids don’t enjoy those sudden shifts and swings either. “Their brain is being bathed in a stew of hormones that is not familiar to them, and they don’t know how to manage how they feel as a result of this cocktail that is saturating all of the neurons in the brain,” Cara says.

Boys’ brains are still maturing during puberty too. They don’t yet have fully mature emotional regulation systems. And while they need to learn how to control their behavior, it takes time (and, typically, many mistakes) to develop consistent behavioral control. So, parents, educators, and other adults need to extend grace and compassion to tweens and teens.

“We have to give them the benefit of the doubt,” Vanessa says. “And give them a way back. They don’t feel good when they get that angry or emotional or react violently. They may feel ashamed or embarrassed.”

Surviving your son’s adolescence

It is completely normal to feel grief, doubt, anger, and fear as your son moves through puberty. During adolescence, boys (and girls) pull away from their parents. That separation is necessary and normal, but can feel like rejection to parents. It’s okay to grieve and feel sad. Take comfort, though, in the fact that boys typically “come back” to their parents as they reach the far side of puberty.

Your son may well be annoying, thoughtless, disrespectful, disorganized, smelly, and messy during puberty. None of that means he’ll end up that way as an adult. And none of it means that you’re doing (or have done) something wrong.

“The path to building kind, empathic, loving, thoughtful men is a very windy, bumpy road,” Vanessa says. “And at every step of the way, it can be really tempting to lose faith.”

When a boy reacts angrily or violently, stay calm. Give them space. Connect with them after they’ve cooled down. During calmer times, teach & talk about emotions. Navigate puberty along your son, seeking support as needed.

In this episode, Jen, Cara, & Vanessa discuss:

• The #1 question Cara & Vanessa get about male puberty
• Acknowledging the grief & sadness you may feel as your son enters puberty
• Building men
• How (& why) hormones affect teen boys’ behavior
• Puberty & perimenopause
• Helping boys manage their mood swings
• Wet dreams
• Talking about safer sex, contraception, family planning, intimacy, consent, & loving relationships

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

This is So Awkward: Modern Puberty Explained, by Cara Natterson, MD & Vanessa Kroll Bennett

lessawkward.com — Cara & Vanessa’s website (includes links to their books, newsletter, podcast, & talks)

The Puberty Podcast — Cara & Vanessa’s podcast (Don’t miss Jen on their podcast — Building Boys with Jennifer Fink)

Decoding Boys w Dr. Cara Natterson –– ON BOYS episode

The Truth About Parenting Teen Boys — the famous BuildingBoys post about 14-yr-old boys being a**holes

Puberty, Perimenopause, & Midlife Parenting — ON BOYS episode

Guy Stuff: The Body Book for Boys, by Cara Natterson

Guy Stuff Feelings: Everything You Need to Know About Your Emotions, by Cara Natterson

Sponsor Spotlight: HomeThreads

Make your home family friendly. Use this link to get 15% off.

According to new research by Kyle Ganson, an assistant professor in Canada & a licensed clinical social worker who’s worked with teenagers & young adults, boys who experience abuse, neglect, incarceration or divorce of a parent, poverty, or parental mental illness or substance use, are more likely to develop muscle dysmorphia. That’s important because it a) suggests ways to prevent muscle dysmorphia and b) indicates which boys may benefit from screening and intervention.

Many well-meaning adults miss (or ignore) the symptoms of muscle dysmorphia because, on the surface, many of those symptoms appear healthy. A sudden, dedicated interest in fitness is often praised by parents & coaches; so is boys’ desire to “eat healthy.” But muscle dysmorphia is unhealthy and can become physically and emotionally damaging. Boys and men who are obsessed with bulking up may prioritize working out over all else. They may decline social outings and family gatherings that revolve around food.

Adults may assume that a boy’s desire to bulk up is rooted in his desire to obtain a specific “look.” But “sometimes for boys, it’s not always about the aesthetic appearance; it’s about the function,” Kyle says. That may be especially true for boys who were bullied or abused.

What the research says about ACES & muscle dysmorphia

Kyle’s research showed that children who experience 5 or more ACEs are more likely than others to develop symptoms of muscle dysmorphia. That association “was particularly strong for boys & young men,” he says. In fact, 30% of young boys who had 5 or more ACES were at clinical risk of muscle dysmorphia. (For comparison, only 10% of the girls who had 5 or more ACEs were at clinical risk of muscle dysmorphia.) The researchers also found that boys who experienced multiple ACEs were more likely than others to use performance enhancing drugs and supplements.

Please note: Not all children who have ACEs experience adverse outcomes. However, if your son has a history of ACEs, stay alert for possible symptoms of muscle dysmorphia. If he shows a sudden interest in going to the gym or changing his diet, Kyle recommends approaching him with “respectful curiosity.” Ask questions; listen carefully.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Kyle discuss:

• Symptoms of muscle dysmorphia
• The link between ACEs & muscle dysmorphia
• Why ACES may increase the risk of muscle dysmorphia for boys
• Dealing with diet culture
• Talking to healthcare professionals about muscle dysmorphia

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Adverse Childhood Experiences and Muscle Dysmorphia Symptomatology: Findings from a Sample of Canadian Adolescents and Young Adults — Kyle’s research study

Body Image, Eating Disorders, & Boys — ON BOYS episode

Helping Boys Develop Healthy Body Image — ON BOYS episode

Boys & Body Image — ON BOYS episode

Why Now is the Best Time to Raise Boys (w Michael Reichert) — ON BOYS episode

Picky Eaters, Family Meals, & Nutrition — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: HomeThreads

Make your home family friendly. Use this link to get 15% off.

Parents and educators frequently ask, “How do we help boys thrive in school?” A question we rarely ask is, What can boys do to set themselves up for school success? What can we do to help boys successfully navigate school?

“It’s really essential that we, as parents & educators of boys, are preparing them to navigate the struggles within school,” says Dr. Todd (Jason) Feltman, author of Transforming into a Powerful Third, Fourth, or 5th Grade Navigator of School Success.  “It’s not just the academic struggles but also the socialization, the physical and emotional struggles.”

Equipping boys with strategies they can use to manage these stressors can increase their confidence & school success.

Strategies to Help Boys Succeed

Generally speaking, boys have a hard time sitting still in the classroom. Todd recommends addressing this issue head-on with your boy. Talk about this challenge & help him brainstorm ways to incorporate movement. Teach him how to self-advocate with his teacher. (Perhaps they could agree on a non-verbal signal that could mean it’s okay to stand and stretch.)

Allowing boys to draw before beginning a writing assignment can also be helpful. (Many boys think visually – and many elementary school-aged boys struggle with handwriting and spelling.)

“Every student has strengths,” Todd says. “We need to teach them how to unpack and apply their strength. I know that boys can take charge of their education.”

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Todd discuss:

• Why 3rd, 4th, & 5th grade are so challenging for boys
• Helping boys self-advocate
• The link between sleep & learning
• Teaching boys organization (Note: modeling, mentoring, & regular practice helps!)
• Why should you ask for boys’ input
• What to say when a boy says “the teacher doesn’t like me”
• Setting high expectations for school success
• Developmentally appropriate school expectations

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

toddfeltman.com — Todd’s website

Transforming into a Powerful Third, Fourth, or Fifth Grade Navigator of School Success, by Dr. Todd (Jason) Feltman

Mentoring My Elementary- and Middle-School Students to Become Powerful Navigators of Success, by Dr. Todd Feltman

Building Boys’ Reading & Literacy Skills — previous ON BOYS episode w Dr. Feltman

Sponsor Spotlight: ByHeart 

Get 10% off your first order using code ONBOYS at byheart.com

Sponsor Spotlight: HomeThreads

Make your home family friendly. Use this link to get 15% off.

In fact, 1 in 12 males are color blind. They perceive color differently than most humans. Some see shades of tan instead of vivid reds and greens. Some see life in black, white, and grey. Many don’t realize that they see things differently than their peers, teachers, and parents. And many parents and teachers don’t realize that their boys are colorblind – which can lead to unnecessary learning complications and affect boys’ learning.

Signs of Color Blindness

Jessica Fleming, a writer & mom of 4 sons (currently age 9, 7, 5, and 5), first realized her 7-year-old son’s vision was different when she asked her boys to sort the books in her office by color. After a few minutes, her oldest son declared, “Everett doesn’t know his colors!” and pointed out a couple out-of-place books, including a pink tome. Further questioning revealed that her second-grade son was as confused by his “mistakes” as the rest of his family.

Then Jessica remembered that she had an uncle who was colorblind. She found a color blindness test online, administered it to her son, and learned he has a vision deficiency. A follow up visit to an ophthalmologist revealed that her son has a red/green vision deficiency, the most common kind of color blindness. To him, red and green look virtually the same — almost like a khaki brown.

Some kids who are colorblind don’t like art — so pay attention and dig a little deeper if your son avoids (or complains about!) art activities. (P.S. Sam, Jen’s son, is not colorblind!)

Unfortunately, color blindness is often not diagnosed until a child is in middle school. Some people are adults when they first realize they are color blind.

How Color Blindness Affects Boys’ Education

Contrary to popular belief, color blindness can affect quality of life. Early childhood and elementary school education depends heavily on color cues and visual processing, so kids who are colorblind may struggle in school. Many children who are colorblind are in special ed classes – perhaps because they couldn’t see and access information as easily as their peers.

If you suspect (or know) that your son is colorblind, tell his teachers ASAP. Simple accommodations, such as printing things in black-and-white instead of color, can help him. Ensuring a high contrast between print and background colors is also helpful. Another: Instead of color-coding maps and graphs, use patterns, such as polka dots and stripes. Be sure art supplies are labeled with the color name. Color vision-correcting glasses are also available.

Kids who are color blind are also eligible for a 504 plan.

Testing Can Easily Detect Color Blindness

Only 11 states test for colorblindness during vision screenings at school, even though the test is non-invasive, cheap, and easy to administer. Jessica recommends administering an online screening test to all kids.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Jessica discuss:

• Signs and symptoms
• Types of color blindness
• Testing for color blindness
• Genetics of color blindness
• Adaptations to help kids who are color blind
• Advocating for color blind kids

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Countless Kids are Colorblind – and Don’t Know About It. Here’s How to Help — Jessica’s Washington Post article

Roanoke City Schools Discover Hundreds of Students May be Color Blind

Enchroma online color blindness test

Myths & Misconceptions About Boys — previous ON BOYS episode with Jessica

Boy Moms as Boys Advocates — ON BOYS episode with Gemma Gaudette

Sponsor Spotlight: ByHeart 

Get 10% off your first order using code ONBOYS at byheart.com

Sponsor Spotlight: HomeThreads

Love where you live

Photo by Photo by Engin Akyurt via Pexels

Your favorites include:

5. Simplicity Parenting with Kim John Payne

Simplicity parenting prioritizes a balanced schedule, predictable rhythm, and decluttered, information-filtered family environment…

The antidote to constant overwhelm is simple, Payne says. It’s simplicity. He advises parents to “dial back”…

4. Parental Accommodation & ADHD (featuring ADHD Dude Ryan Wexelblatt)

“Parental accommodation is when parents change their behavior to alleviate or avoid their child’s temporary distress,” Ryan says. It’s often done out of love — and fear. Doing so may avoid some conflict, but it allows unhelpful behaviors to continue….

3. Talking to Tween & Teen Boys (featuring Johnathon Reed of NextGenMen)

…boys won’t necessarily tell you about their problems. “If boys are struggling, often they’re struggling in silence,” Reed says. “There’s still a stigma against asking for help, particularly when it also means admitting a weakness or a vulnerability.”

2. Teen Boys’ Emotional LIves (featuring Brendan Kwiatkowski, PhD)

…the #1 reason why teen boys restrict emotion (& emotional expression) is because “they don’t want to burden other people.”

The #2 reason is “fear of judgment.”

1. Parenting “Spicy” Boys (featuring Mary Van Geffen)

“Spicy” boys are those who express themselves in big and loud ways, feel things intensely, and have energy to spare…They often are very persistent and quite emotionally intelligent.

A few of our other 2023 favorites:

Building Boys in a World that Misunderstands Males

What Middle School Boys Need

Phyllis Fagell Discuss Middle School Superpowers

Nonverbal Communication with Boys

Boys, Babies, & Breastfeeding

Calm the Chaos: Parenting Challenging Kids

Emotional Lives of Teens

Why Now is the Best Time to Raise Boys

Sponsor Spotlight: ByHeart 

Get 10% off your first order using code ONBOYS at byheart.com

Sponsor Spotlight: Better Help

Therapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%

Sure, this episode, released early in the year, had the benefit of time. But Mary’s message also resonates with frustrated and overwhelmed parents of boys. As she told us,

“Spicy” boys are those who express themselves in big and loud ways, feel things intensely, and have energy to spare. They “have so much loyalty toward their own soul — and less to the adults’ agenda.”

Mary’s audience continues to grow — she has over 286,000 Instagram followers! — because parents need help supporting their strong, spicy kids. You’ll want to listen to this episode more than once because a) it contains a lot of wisdom and b) because your spicy kids are now likely challenging you in ways they weren’t the first time you listened!

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Mary discuss:

• Characteristics of a Spicy One
• Why shame-based discipline approaches don’t work with spicy boys
• How your perceptions affect your parenting & relationship w your child
• Parenting when you are spicy or highly sensitive
• A sensual pause technique you can use to calm your nervous system
• How changing your voice can help you reach your kids
• Setting boundaries & managing others’ expectations
• Grocery shopping with boys

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

maryvangeffen.com – Mary’s website

https://www.instagram.com/maryvangeffen/ — Mary on Instagram

Highly Sensitive People Can Thrive — ON BOYS episode

Highly Sensitive Boys with William Allen — ON BOYS episode

Sensitive Boys (w Dr. Sandy Gluckman) — ON BOYS episode

Brain-Body Parenting w Dr. Mona Delahooke — ON BOYS episode

Positive Intelligence: Why Only 20% of Teams and Individuals Achieve Their True Potential and How You Can Achieve Yours — book by Shirzad Chamine (recommended by Mary)

Sponsor Spotlight: ByHeart 

Get 10% off your first order using code ONBOYS at byheart.com

Sponsor Spotlight: Better Help

Therapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%

It can be really difficult to keep up with what our boys are watching online, though. Creators come & go, interests change, one click can lead to, well, anywhere.

Boys love YouTube

YouTube is ubiquitous these days. Gaming and challenge videos (think Mr. Beast) are certainly popular with boys, but many also engage in educational content on the site.

“It’s Google and YouTube,” says Cindy Marie Jenkins, founder of OutThink Media. “Those are the search engines” people now use to find information. It’s better, safer, and more effective to teach your boys how to navigate YouTube (and other online spaces) than it is to ban them all together. (Especially because motivated kids can get around almost any parental control!)

“We have a massive responsibility to give boys the tools they need to be amazing people,” Cindy says. Parents and other adults can (& should) mentor and guide children as they explore online. Here’s how:

1. Build your relationship, so your boys know they can talk to you without judgement. “Let them know that you are interested & want to be involved,” Cindy says. “Not in a dictatorial way, but in a ‘let’s have conversations about this’ way.” Express curiosity.
2. Build boys’ critical thinking skills, both so they’re better able to understand and process what they see and hear online and so they’re prepared to discuss online personalities, ideas, and videos with their friends.

YouTube videos can radicalize boys

You can certainly find blatant misogyny, misandry, hate, and racism on YouTube. But most boys don’t watch those videos. Many, however, watch creators who casually “slide in” comments that may appear to jokes but might also consistently point blame at a particular group of people. You might notice, for instance, that five “jokes” in a row singled out Black people as the antagonists, Cindy says.

Certain things that may seem relatively harmless on the surface can lead to more extreme videos and ideas. “Trad” content, emphasizes traditional gender roles and female submission to men in marriage. It can celebrate women as homemakers and men as providers — and can convince some boys that males should be dominant in relationships and the females are meant to submit to their leadership.

The pathway to extremism is not necessarily obvious. “It can start with something small and then blow up into, ‘This is what’s wrong with everything,'” Cindy says.

How to protect your kids online

LISTEN to what your kids are talking about. And listen to what they say when you ask them about the videos and creators they see online. Pay attention if your kids seem to be obsessing or angry about certain topics or ideas.

Ask questions with curiosity. Use, but don’t completely trust, parental controls and filtering software.

Talk about trending videos, movies, ideas, and games. Share your perspective and add context. You can also seek out and share YouTube videos about creators’ personal experiences with hate, misogyny, and racism. Cindy “watches YouTube so you don’t have to,” so you can check her site OutThink Media, to learn more about the creators, gamers, and YouTubers your kids are watching.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Cindy discuss:

• Educational power of YouTube
• How to mentor and guide kids’ YouTube use
• Trad wives
• The Great Replacement theory
• Gamergate
• Kids’ parasocial relationships with YouTubers
• Doxxing
• Discussing media

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

OutThink Media — Cindy’s website

Why I’m Not Worried About Screen Time — Jen’s BuildingBoys post (the one about Sam studding his bike tires)

How One Mom Talks to Her Sons About Hate on the Internet — NPR story about Joanna Schroeder‘s viral Tweet thread

YouTube Merch Part 1: 7 Reasons Not to Buy Prime Energy Drink — OutThink Media post about energy drink promoted by (former YouTuber) Logan Paul

Sisters in Hate: American Women & White Extremism, by Seyward Darby — thought-provoking book that details how individuals become extremists

Amy Lang on How to Keep Boys Safe Online –– ON BOYS podcast episode

Social Media Safety — ON BOYS podcast episode

Sponsor Spotlight: Better Help

Therapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%

Moms are concerned with a lot of things at once; Dads tend to focus on one thing at a time. Many moms derive a sense of security from planning ahead for all possible contingencies. Dads tend to react to life as it happens. Females generally process information more quickly than males as well because women have more language centers in the brain than men do. These differences can lead to conflict and confusion.

Learning to navigate these differences can help us build stronger relationships and families.

“If our relationship is strong, our ability to parent is also better,” Dr. Jacquie says. “Our ability to raise strong and whole children is better.”

Healthy Relationship Strategies

Effective communication is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship. A few strategies she recommends include:

1. Using “I statements.” Don’t start with an accusation. Instead, calmly communicate your current mindset and needs with “I statements”: I’m feeling really overwhelmed right now. I need some help getting dinner on the table. 
2. Reflective listening. Repeat back what your partner is saying, to give them a chance to clarify. This technique can be especially helpful for busy parents because “when you are sleep-deprived or in a heightened emotional state, you tend to mis-hear or mis-process information,” Dr. Jacquie says.
3. Asking for what you want. Avoiding this conversation because you’re afraid of the result isn’t helpful. You may avoid conflict in the near-term, but over time, resentment can build. Focus instead on what you need to express and then “choose your time and place,” Dr. Jacquie says.
4. Scheduling regular time to connect. Build conversation time into your lifestyle. If you don’t, it’s too easy to get distracted by other priorities (& exhaustion!). Dr. Jacquie and her husband spend the 30 minutes before sleep with each other nightly. “We mostly talk,” she says. “We talk about our day, about our aspirations, about our children, whatever needs to be discussed.” Planning time to sexual connection is also helpful. (Pro tip: Keeping your children on a schedule makes it easier for you and your partner to have regular time together!)

Realistic expectations are important too.

“Marriage does not make you happy forever,” Dr. Jacquie says. “You will have ebbs and flows in your marriage. Marriage, like all relationships, is messy.”

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Dr. Jacquie discuss:

• How biology affects our thinking & relationships
• Why you need to nurture your adult relationships
• Maternal gatekeeping
• The impact of fathers
• Intimacy
• 7 pillars of compatibility

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

drjacquie.com — Dr. Jacquie’s website

Single Parenting w Wealthy Single Mommy Emma Johnson — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: Better Help

Therapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%

“It’s a fundamental human right to have this information – & so important to their health & safety,” says Amy Lang, creator of Birds + Bees + Kids, a fantastic resource for parents, childcare providers and educators.

Myths About Neurodiversity & Sexuality

Many people (including well-meaning parents) believe one (or more) myths about neurodiversity & sexuality, Amy says. Common myths include:

1. Neurodiverse people are either asexual or hypersexual. So, parents and educators may gloss over (or skip) essential education. “There’s this myth that neurodiverse kids don’t need this information, that it’s not going to be relevant to them,” Amy says. But that’s not at all true. All humans have a relationship with sexuality. All humans need to know how bodies work. And all humans need to know how to be in healthy, loving relationships.
2. Neurodiverse people are “innocent” – & so won’t get in any “trouble.” The truth is that neurodiverse people are at high risk of sexual abuse. They may also unintentionally sexually offend or abuse others if they are not properly educated.

“Sexuality is a huge part of life,” Amy says. Ignoring this aspect of life increases the likelihood for harm — and decrease the chances of your child experiencing safe, fulfilling relationships. Knowledge empowers kids so they can live full lives.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

The Porn Talk Dynamic Duo! A live talk with tons of Q&A! The Porn Talk Info Kit (which has everything you need to talk with your boy like a pro) is included. Sign up here. https://buytickets.at/amylang/1055353

Sex Talks with Tweens: What to Say & How to Say It It’s all scripts so you don’t have to figure out what to say! Woot!

BirdsAndBeesAndKids.com — Amy’s website

Just Say This – Amy’s advice-column style podcast

Books for developmentally different kids are here.

Talk to Boys about Sex (w Amy Lang) – ON BOYS episode

Amy Lang on How to Keep Boys Safe Online — ON BOYS episode

ADHD with Ryan Wexelblatt the ADHD Dude — ON BOYS episode

Differently Wired Boys & TiLT Parenting (w Debbie Reber) — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: Baby Quip

Use code ONBOYS for $20 off your reservation of $100 or more.

Sponsor Spotlight: Better Help

Therapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%

Some boys receive great, age-appropriate, inclusive health education at school. Others do not. “It’s pretty inconsistent,” says Christopher Pepper, a health educator who currently teaches in the San Francisco Unified School District & is working on a book called TALK TO YOUR BOYS: 27 Crucial Conversations Parents Need to Have with Boys Today – and How to Start Having Them. “What’s covered is pretty different and how the subject is approached is handled very differently.”

Young men’s health groups can be particularly helpful, as they give boys a chance to discuss masculinity and relationships as well as health topics. “There’s a real hunger among boys to talk about the real issues in their lives,” Christopher says. “Teenage boys are figuring out their attitudes about sexuality and gender, so having a place to talk about the celebrity that just came out as nonbinary” is helpful, he says.

Adults with work with teenage boys should lead with curiosity and give boys space to express their thoughts and opinions. “Coming at someone with criticism, even if they’ve said something offensive” is not as helpful as asking questions, such as What do you mean by that? Adults who listen with genuine curiosity are better positioned to then provide additional context and feedback.

Contrary to popular belief, “Boys have a lot of capacity and interest in talking about emotions and relationships,” Christopher says. “Boys are really hungry for those kinds of conversations and interested in exploring their values and ideas.” Unfortunately, many boys don’t get the opportunity to discuss those topics in a deep and rich way with their peers or caring adults. Prioritizing those conversations is one important thing adults can do to support boys’ health and development.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Christopher discuss:

• The current state of health education
• Creating safe spaces for boys to talk and learn
• Modeling healthy communication skills
• Getting boys to talk to you
• Talking to boys about racist or homophobic slurs
• The need for more males in education & caring careers

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Teen Health Today — Christopher’s Substack newsletter

mrhealthteacher.com — Christopher’s website

Teacher Tom Talks About Boys, Emotions, & Play — ON BOYS episode

cdc.gov/healthyyouth/index.htm — CDC site with links to adolescent and school health resources (including the Health Education Curriculum Analysis Tool (HECAT)

amaze.org — health, relationship, and sex education material (great to share w your kids!)

The New Drug Talk — website w resources to talk about fentanyl

Sponsor Spotlight: Baby Quip

Use code ONBOYS for $20 off your reservation of $100 or more.

Sponsor Spotlight: Better Help

Therapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%

Photo by olia danilevich via Pexels

Especially when said teenager is frustrating, annoying, and contributing to family chaos?

Sandra said:

Teenager years are frustrating — wanting to tell him what do, yet I know he needs to make his own mistakes. Throw in toddler boy hitting/screaming at his brother….

She is definitely not the only parent wondering how to deal with a teen boys & balance the needs of siblings! That’s we tackled her question first in this edition of ON BOYS Listener Q & A.

“It can be really hard to step back and let things unfold — let your teen be the one that has to navigate,” Janet says. She recommends talking about that with your teen. Say something like, “It is really hard to watch you make mistakes. I am here for you. I trust that you can figure this out on your own. And if need help, I am here.”

Other listener questions include:

My sons turned 18 yesterday and are in their last year of high school! I understand the natural and necessary pulling away from parents (especially moms) and establishing themselves as men. Is it possible to release them vs. them tearing away? If so, what does that look like?

and

How & what do you prioritize? I’m a single mom with 3 sons. I can’t do homework, home cooked meals, sports practice and read with them every night, so what to prioritize, who to prioritize and what to let go?

and

Should I punish the boys by taking away screen time if they get bad grades? Taking away screens is the only punishment that works.

In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss:

• Parenting teen & toddler boys
• Launching teenagers & young adult men
• “Soiling the nest”
• Asking for help
• How to create a dinner co-op
• Dealing with “bad grades”
• Nurturing connection

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Listener Q & A: Supporting Sibling Relationships, Finding Common Ground, & More — Jan. ’23 ON BOYS episode

Puberty, Perimenopause, & Midlife Parenting — ON BOYS episode

The Art of Roughhousing (w Dr. Lawrence Cohen) — ON BOYS episode

More Wisdom from Teacher Tom — ON BOYS episode

How to Build Your Village — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: Better Help

Therapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%

Sponsor Spotlight: Baby Quip

Use code ONBOYS for $20 off your reservation of $100 or more.

Essentially, it’s the opposite of helicopter parenting. It’s a parenting style that allows, supports, and encourages kids to make decisions and take action. And unlike helicopter parenting, which demands near-constant parental activity, autonomy-supportive parenting also supports parental rest (and can reduce burnout).

“Intensive parenting is not good for our kids. They need the freedom to explore and experiment, and this is where stepping back and sitting on the couch to read a magazine, instead of playing Legos with your child, is okay,” says says Emily Edlynn, a child psychologist & mom of three who is also the author Autonomy-Supportive Parenting: Reduce Parental Burnout and Raise Competent, Confident Children. 

Self-Determination Theory is the Foundation for Autonomy-Supportive Parenting

According to self-determination theory, all humans have 3 fundamental needs:

1. Autonomy, or the ability to make decisions for one’s self
2. Competence
3. Relatedness

When those needs are met, we feel good about life. And about ourselves. Autonomy-supportive parenting focuses on nurturing those 3 fundamental needs in our children, Emily says. At times, to observers, it may look like autonomy-supportive parents are ignoring their child’s needs. They’re not; they’re observing and giving their children an opportunity to test and develop their skills. To develop competence and confidence, children need room to fail, get upset, process their emotions, and try possible solutions.

Autonomy-Supportive Parenting in Action.

“This is a flexible framework, not a prescription,” Emily says. Parents can and should tweak their approach according to the unique needs and personality of the family and its individual members.

Contrary to what some think, autonomy-supportive parenting does not require parents to tolerate disrespect or rude behavior. It’s not about allowing children full freedom to make all decisions. In fact, parents can (& should) set & enforce family guidelines based upon family values.

“We love and accept our children for who they are; we do not have to accept all their behaviors,” Emily says. “it’s not useful to them.”

Don’t take your child’s words or behavior personally.

“Kids are going to do things we don’t like. That’s part of growing up,” Emily says.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Emily discuss:

• What is autonomy-supportive parenting?
• The link between control, competence, & confidence
• Autonomy & interdependence
• “Lazy parenting”
• An autonomy-supportive approach to screen time, gaming, & social media
• Setting boundaries for respectful communication
• What to do when your child says “I hate you”
• School struggles
• Believing your son’s value beyond academics
• How cultural expectations affect parenting

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Autonomy-Supportive Parenting: Reduce Parental Burnout and Raise Competent, Confident Children, by Emily Edlynn

www.emilyedlynnphd.com — Emily’s website

The Art & Science of Mom — Emil’s Substack

Building Boys: Raising Great Guys in a World That Misunderstands Males — Jen’s book

Gemma Gaudette Talks About Raising Boys — ON BOYS episode

Positive Parenting Solutions with Amy McReady — ON BOYS episode

letgrow.org – organization founded by Lenore Skenazy (of Free Range Kids fame) that’s “leading the movement for child independence”

Psychologists Off the Clock — Emily’s podcast

Sponsor Spotlight: Better Help

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AnneMoss Rogers’ son Charles was “the life of the party.” He loved dogs, people, & games. And he died of suicide at age 20.

Statistically, Charles’ story is all too common. Suicide is the second leading cause of death for 10-24 year olds, with boys and young men representing 80% of all youth suicide deaths. 22% percent of high school students reported seriously considering suicide in 2021, and 10% of youth in grades 9-12 said they’d made at least one suicide attempt. So although everything looked rosy in Charles’ life — he was one of the most popular kids in his high school, elected to Homecoming Court as a sophomore — he was struggling behind the scenes.

His family knew he had a sleep disorder and his mom suspected a mental health disorder beyond anxiety, but she didn’t detect any depression — and others brushed off her concerns.

Substance Use Can Mask Depression

Like many teens, Charles started using drugs & alcohol. What Anne didn’t realize at the time was that he was using substances to numb his pain and suicidal thoughts. He also participated in risk stunts.

“When your child starts taking all these unnecessary, scary risks, it is a sign of depression,” AnneMoss says.

Support for Parents of Struggling Teens

If you sense your child is struggling, seek support. Even if you don’t yet have a diagnosis or can’t “name” the problem. Don’t second guess yourself. “Go with your gut,” AnneMoss says. “Don’t let your brain talk you out of what you know if your gut.”

She recommends the following resources:

• NAMI — National Alliance on Mental Illness (has support groups for parents!)
• Families Anonymous — 12 step support group for family & friends of individuals with drug, alcohol or related behavioral issues
• Smart Recovery — includes in-person & virtual meetings for family & friends of addicted individuals
• CRAFT — Community Reinforcement and Family Training, which helps family members relate to individuals with addiction

“These are not groups where you sit around and you hold hands and you sing Kumbaya,” AnneMoss says. They are places where parents can share their fears freely & receive essential support and advice. “When something happens, these are the people who know the best places to take your child — who is taking appointments, who the best therapists are — because they are using those resources too.”

She encourages all parents, teachers, and others working with a struggling or troubled teen to “stick with the process.” Don’t give up; listen. Stay engaged. All struggling humans need and want to know that someone cares.

In this episode, Janet, & Anne discuss:

• Warning signs of depression & suicidal ideation
• Why you should trust your gut
• Where to get help & support
• Why you must practice asking, “Are you thinking of suicide?”
• Why tough love isn’t the necessarily the right choice
• Giving yourself credit as a parent
• Mutual care

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

mentalhealthawarenesseducation.com — Anne’s website (jam-packed with resources!)

Diary of a Broken Mind: A Mother’s Story, A Son’s Suicide, & the Haunting Lyrics He Left Behind, by Anne Moss Rogers & Charlie Rogers

Emotionally Naked: A Teacher’s Guide to Preventing Suicide & Recognizing Students at Risk, by Anne Moss Rogers & Kimberly H. McManama O’Brien 

Loving Someone With Suicidal Thoughts — ON BOYS episode

What You Need to Know About Boys & Suicide — ON BOYS episode

Troubled Boys (w Kenneth Rosen) — ON BOYS episode about wilderness therapy

Another View of Wilderness Therapy — ON BOYS episode

Lisa Damour on the Emotional Lives of Teens — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: Better Help

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Jo Langford is a father, therapist, and author of The Pride Guide: A Guide to Social and Sexual health for LGBTQ Youth and Spare Me “The Talk!” (for both boy-identified and girl-identified youth). He helps kids and parents navigate sexuality, gender, media, and technology.

Supporting LGBTQ+ Kids

Rule of thumb: Never out someone. The decision to disclose (or not disclose) one’s sexual orientation is an individual one. You should not out anyone without their consent, Jo says.

Kids, however, may unintentionally or deliberately reveal private information about friends and acquaintances, and when that happens, the child whose privacy has been violated may feel distress. Sadly, some kids are still bullied for their sexual orientation or gender identity.

One of our jobs as parents is “to protect our kids,” Jo says. Unfortunately, we can’t control the behavior of others, so “one way of doing that with a queer kid is letting them know that there are places and times that may be more dangerous to you,” he says. You may need to discuss things such as potential reactions to holding hands in public in particular cities or countries.

Jo also says it’s important for parents to queer kids to become part of the queer community — to familiarize yourself with the history, culture, and traditions of the community. “Support the art and companies and jump into that with your kid,” he says.

If you’re navigating evolving gender identity, give yourself grace. Even the most accepting, supportive parents, family members, and loved ones struggle with pronouns and language, especially at first. Do your best. Apologize when you get it wrong. Educate yourself. You can even say to your child, “Tell me what words to use. What do you want me to say when I talk to other people about you?”

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Jo discuss:

• Supporting LGBTQ+ kids who are being bullied
• Personal pronouns, trans kids, & evolving language
• When to involve the school or other parents
• Talking about marijuana, pot, cannabis
• Why Gen Z is so anxious

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

behereos.net — Jo’s website, featuring his talks, speaking schedule & free downloads (including Porn: The Guide to a Healthy Grab-It Habit)

Spare Me ‘The Talk!’: A Guy’s Guide to Sex, Relationship, and Growing Up, by Jo Langford

The Pride Guide: A Guide to Sexual and Social Health for LGBTQ Youth, by Jo Langford

21st Century Sex Ed w Jo Langford –– ON BOYS episode

Which Apps are APPropriate? (w Jo Langford) — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: Better Help

Therapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%

Sponsor Spotlight: Baby Quip

Use code ONBOYS for $20 off your reservation of $100 or more.

Policies matter, of course, but not as much as parenting.

Think about that for a moment. 

Parents need to think & talk about gender stereotypes and expectations because those stereotypes and expectations affect our parenting, says Shelly Vaziri Flais, a pediatrician, mom of four, and author of Nurturing Boys to Be Better Men: Gender Equality Starts at Home. Gender also affects our boys’ experiences in the world, so if we don’t consciously consider gender in our parenting — and strive for equity — we may end up intentionally perpetuating the same stereotypes that have historically limited women and men.

"It's about nurturing the child as a whole human being," Dr. Shelly says.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Dr. Shelly discuss:

• Equity vs. equality
• Gender stereotypes & expectations
• Addressing parental differences regarding gender-based expectations
• Helping boys manage gender stereotypes
• Parenting 4 kids under age 4

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Nurturing Boys to Be Better Men: Gender Equality Starts at Home, by Shelly Vaziri Flais, MD

Gender Equality, Boys, & Men — ON BOYS episode

The Gender Equation in Schools — ON BOYS episode

Gender Norms Limit Boys (& Girls) — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: Better Help

Therapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%

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Friendship matters for guys too – but clearly, boys face some unique challenges. “Boys & men have special challenges because of the image of how they’re ‘supposed to be,'” says Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, a psychologist and author who may be better known as Dr. Friendtastic. Some boys, for instance, love rough & tumble play. But 40% of boys don’t like it & may struggle to connect with other boys who like to roughhouse. Additionally, adult women (including moms and teachers) often misinterpret “play fighting” as real fighting and stop it, even though the involved boys may be forging or solidifying friendships.

“We have to be careful about being judgemental of boys’ play and boys’ imagination,” Eileen says.

Supporting Boys’ Friendships

One of our fundamental jobs as parents, Eileen says, is “teaching them how to be in relationships.”

Parents of young boys can help them connect with other children who have similar interests.You “have have a lot of influence on their social lives by creating opportunities,” she says. “Use your deep knowledge of your son & try to figure out what he enjoys doing that he can do with other kids.”

That step is especially important if your son doesn’t naturally connect with the kids in his school or neighborhood. “I always, always, always recommend multiple groups of friends, if we can manage it,” Eileen says. “The ups & downs of friendship are inevitable, and we want them to have options.”

You can also help boys understand how their actions and words contribute to conflicts, by calmly sharing your observations and asking them to share their perspective and imagine their friends’ perspective. If you son has hurt someone physically or emotionally, asking “what can you do to help him feel better?” both underscores the importance of relationship repair and helps him brainstorm ways to ease his friend’s pain.

Keep in mind: Negotiation and compromise don’t become the main way kids’ resolve conflict until age 19. That doesn’t mean you can’t work on those skills before then; you should! It means that kids will continue to need our support to navigate friendship challenges for many years.

Janet & her grandson w one of Eileen’s books

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Eileen (Dr. Friendtastic) discuss:

• Common friendship challenges for boys
• Rough & tumble play
• Helping boys connect with friends
• Managing “gun play” and “violent play”
• The importance of friendship
• Bullying
• Forgiveness guidelines
• Online friendships

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

drfriendtastic.com — includes links to the Dr. Friendtastic podcast

eileenkennedymoore.com — includes free articles, videos, & links to all of Eileen’s books

The Art of Roughhousing (w Dr. Lawrence Cohen) — ON BOYS episode

Weapons Play is Okay — Building Boys blog post

Common Sense Guidelines for “Gun Play” — Building Boys blog post

Teaching Boys Social Skills — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: Better Help

Therapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%

Sponsor Spotlight: Essential Labs

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Sponsor Spotlight: Factor 

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“The way that we raise our children — the daily interactions that we have with them that seem like they’re about discipline — actually support our children in learning about how power works in families and in our culture,” she says. “That shapes how they go out into the world and treat other people.

If we want to move toward a vision of society in which everyone belongs, everyone feels free to be their full, true, whole self, then the work to do that begins at home, in parenting.”

Easier Parenting + Powerful Change

All behavior is communication. Children’s “behavior that seems mysterious and overwhelming is communicating an unmet need. And when you can understand what that need is, you can support your child in meeting that need,” Jen says. Identifying and meeting your child’s needs can decrease conflict and increase family harmony.

Questioning the stories you tell yourself about your child’s behavior is also helpful, as these stories may be inaccurate. It’s more helpful to get curious, as open-minded curiosity can point the way toward solutions that meet both your child’s needs and your own.

“This is not just about meeting your child’s needs,” Jen says. “This is about seeing you, as the parent and caregiver, as a person that has needs. And seeing your child as a person with needs. We can hold those with equal thought, care, love, and attention.”

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Jen discuss:

• Parenting & social justice
• The power of accepting our children as they are
• Identifying kids’ needs
• Meeting basic needs
• True respect
• Homework resistance
• Setting boundaries
• Rest & self-care

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Parenting Beyond Power: How to Use Connection & Collaboration to Transform Your Family — and the World, by Jen Lumanlan

yourparentingmojo.com –– Jen’s website (includes links to her needs quiz & Your Parenting Mojo podcast as well)

Parenting, Privilege, & Building A Just World — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: Better Help

Therapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%

Sponsor Spotlight: Essential Labs

Use code ONBOYS to save 15%

Sponsor Spotlight: Factor 

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Between social media, online monitoring, and geo-tracking, our kids’ lives are public in a way ours never were when we were young. Helping kids manage this digital landscape can be a challenge for parents and adults who often worry and frequently ignore the upsides of digital life.

“24/7 access to one another is a huge source of stress.”

Feeling like you have to be accessible at all times is stressful for our kids. (And us!) But kids also enjoy positive online interactions.

“For most kids, there are aspects of their digital lives that are positive, aspects that may be more neutral, and maybe some situations that are causing them anxiety, stress, or sadness,” says Devorah Heitner, author of Growing Up in Public: Coming of Age in a Digital World and Screenwise: Helping Kids Survive (& Thrive) in Their Digital World. Our job as parents, she says, is to help kids figure out how to navigate their digital lives.

It’s best to start by looking and listening. Observe your child’s internet use. Ask questions, with genuine curiosity. That’s how “we can really tune into our kids’ discernment,” Devorah says.

“We really need to know what our kids think about the group text,” for instance, she says, noting that simply restricting kids’ access to a group text at the first sign of “inappropriate” language or behavior takes away kids’ opportunity to evaluate and decide which conversations are healthy and which are toxic. “It’s often better if they make their own decisions because we’re not going to be there when they get that workplace Slack that’s a little toxic. We need them to be able to make choices.”

One thing we can do to support our kids is to remind them that they always have permission to leave uncomfortable interactions.

Mentoring vs. monitoring

Constantly monitoring our kids’ online interactions and physical whereabouts is stressful for us. You may be able to improve your mental well-being by letting go of the need to always know where your child is and what he’s doing.

“Your own mental health & mental load need to take priority,” Devorah says. “It’s important not to get too involved but be there for the big picture.”

It’s almost always a bad idea to digitally surveil your kids’ without their knowledge. It is much more powerful to establish boundaries and expectations together. Discuss concerns. Brainstorm ways to to satisfy your mutual concerns.

Responding to mistakes

Kids (and adults) do dumb things online. Instead of coming down harshly, take a moment to a) remember that kids’ brains are still developing and b) consider the context. Overreacting is almost never helpful, Devorah says.

“We have to remember that a lot of things, in the moment, can seem funny to the adolescent brain,” she says. Teens also tend to overestimate the rewards & under-estimate the risks of their actions. They need us to support and empathize with them.

Helping our kids navigate the digital world “is not easy,” Devorah admits. It helps to remember that “you’re not alone, and you can talk to other people about it.”

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Devorah discuss:

• Coping with our fears of the internet & social media
• Why eliminating your kid’s access to the social media may not be a good idea
• Guiding kids through online interactions
• Mentoring vs. monitoring
• The “Right to Be Forgotten“
• Kids’ “rules” for social media use & digital sharing
• Kids’ vs. parents’ concerns about growing up in public
• Respecting kids’ privacy online

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Growing Up in Public: Coming of Age in a Digital World, by Devorah Heitner

devorahheitner.com — Devorah’s website

The Fight for Your Kids’ Brains Has Already Begun — NYT newsletter referenced in this conversation

Managing Screen Time –– ON BOYS episode

Screenwise: Helping Kids Survive (& Thrive) in Their Digital World — Devorah’s first book

Screens & Boys — ON BOYS episode

Raising Kids to Thrive in a Connected World w Jordan Shapiro — ON BOYS episode

iGen – ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: Better Help

Therapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%

Sponsor Spotlight: Essential Labs

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Big emotions, power struggles, and challenging behaviors can create (& feed!) chaos, affecting the entire family. And it’s next to impossible for anyone to operate at their best in a constant state of chaos.

“I felt like an absolute failure for the first seven years” of parenting, says Dayna Abraham, author of Calm the Chaos: A Fail-Proof Roadmap for Parenting Even the Most Challenging Kids. “The calls from school were coming daily. My son was kicked out of school more days than he was in school.”

Roadmap to Calm

There are 5 steps (or stages) on the roadmap to calm, Dayna says:

1. Ride the storm. In this stage, you hunker down instead of trying to fix or solve. “Instead of ‘doing,’ you are literally just getting to safety.” she says. (Note: What is a Category 3 storm for you may be a Category 1 storm for someone else, and that’s okay. Ride out the storm!)
2. Time & energy reserves. Most people want to skip this stage and move straight to problem-solving. But if you don’t refill your energy reserves, you will not have the energy or stamina required to move forward. This stage is about building small habits that boost your energy – & removing things that drain you.
3. The moment. This is when you start thinking about how you’re going to respond when certain behaviors or situations arise. It’s when you figure out, “How do I show up that diffuses that situation faster and minimizes damage?” Dayna says. “How do I stay connected & curious in the moment?” Resist the urge to catastrophize.
4. Stop storm chasing. Now, you can get ahead of the “chaos causer” — the topic or issue that’s triggering a lot of stress and chaos. Focus on ONE THING, and work collaboratively with your child to address it.
5. Teamwork. Get the whole family together to create an “ecosystem” that supports calm. Discuss each of your unique needs and figure out how you can support one another. During this stage, kids learn how to pay attention to each other’s needs, struggles, likes, and dislikes. “When you can understand and predict each other’s ups and downs, things get a lot easier,” Dayna says.

Unfortunately, “a lot of the advice out there starts at what I call Stage 4 or Stage 5,” Dayna says. What happens when you jump to problem-solving — & skip the first three stages — is that you and your kids aren’t ready for change & you all quickly become overwhelmed.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Dayna discuss:

• Unhelpful online parenting advice
• Parenting challenging boys
• How catastrophizing affects our parenting
• Managing our body language and tone of voice
• Why you should greet your son like a puppy
• The 1-1-1 strategy that can help you respond in the heat of the moment

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Calm the Chaos: A Fail-Proof Roadmap for Parenting Even the Most Challenging Kids, by Daya Abraham

calmthechaosbook.com — includes links to Dayna’s bonus material

lemonlimeadventures.com — Dayna’s website

Constant Chaos Parenting w ADHD — ON BOYS episode

How to Be an Unflustered Mom — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: Better Help

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She is a psychologist & author of The Emotional Lives of Teenagers: Raising Connected, Capable, and Compassionate Adolescents, and although her previous two books were a deep dive into the world of girls, she gets boys. Consider this sentence:

If a boy “doesn’t feel that he has permission to let people know he’s hurting, it’s a good bet that he will discharge his unwanted emotions by acting out.”

That one sentence – found on page 52 of the hardcover edition of her book – explains so much: Boys’ behavior at school. Door slamming, name calling and rule-breaking at home. Neighborhood fights that escalate into violence.

“Gender is such a huge force in how gender is expressed, and perhaps even in how emotion is experienced,” Lisa says. And when it comes to emotions, boys in our culture “are absolutely cornered and given so little room to work,” she says. Girls enjoy a “wide emotional highway,” with a lot of latitude to feel and express an array of emotions, while “boys are given a two-lane highway.”

Parents, teachers, and others who want to expand boys’ emotional expression, however, need to understand and respect the barriers boys face in their lives. Boys (still) pay a social price when they don’t adhere to the cultural script. Crying may be a natural, human emotion, but in most places, a 5th grade boy who cries at school will face uncomfortable social pressure and may be ridiculed. However, understanding the pressures boys face in society doesn’t mean we have to allow or tolerate rude, hateful, or unkind language or behavior. We can (and should) set expectations.

Making Space for Boys’ Emotional Expression

One thing Lisa realized, while writing her book, is how strongly our cultural seems to prefer verbal expressions of emotion over physical expression. Many boys & men (and some girls, women, and nonbinary folks) use physical activity to express and process their emotions Shooting basketball hoops, running laps, or banging on an old filing cabinet are perfectly acceptable ways to discharging and expressing emotion.

“If it brings relief and does no harm, it’s a good coping strategy,” Lisa says, noting that many boys also use music to express and regulate emotions.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Lisa discuss:

• Why we must consider gender when talking about & teaching emotional regulation
• The role of men in helping boys express feelings
• How boys police each others’ emotional expression
• Establishing expectations and boundaries
• Bullying
• Codeswitching
• Why it “sucks to be a 6th grade boy”
• Supporting boys’ interests
• Constructive conflict
• Setting the stage for successful conversations w boys
• Expanding boys’ emotional toolkit

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

drlisadamour.com – Lisa’s website

The Emotional Lives of Teenagers: Raising Connected, Capable, and Compassionate Adolescents — Lisa’s latest book (get the free parent discussion guide here)

Ask Lisa: The Psychology of Parenting  – podcast hosted by Lisa Damour & Reena Ninan

Teen Boys’ Emotional Lives — ON BOYS episode

Managing Emotions — ON BOYS episode

Nonverbal Communication with Boys — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: Better Help

Therapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%

Sponsor Spotlight: Smart for Life

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There were 51 school shootings that resulted in injury or death in 2022. Wildfires are destroying communities and affecting air quality. Hurricanes, heat, infectious disease (malaria is back in the U.S & COVID-19 infections are rising), increasing rates of depression and suicide…it’s a lot. And that’s on top of the now-typical anxiety many parents and kids feel about school and sports performance.

“We, as parents and caregivers of kids, are constantly confronted by the low to loud crises and catastrophic conditions in our lives,” says Stephanie Malia Krauss, author of Whole Child, Whole life: 10 Ways to Help Kids Live, Learn, & Thrive. The question we’re faced with is, How do we support kids in challenging times? 

Whole Child, Whole Life Approach to Thriving

Parents & educators can take comfort in the fact that there are core practices that support health, healing, learning, & development, all at the same time. Work on these 5 categories:

1. Safe & supported. Physical and emotional safety are essential to kids’ well-being. How can you help your child feel safe & supported? (The answer may be different for each child.)
2. Rooted & connected. Do your children feel connected to and valued within a community? Do they feel settled?
3. Healthy & healing. How is your child’s physical and emotional health? Is he getting the support he needs for his body & brain? Sleep? Exercise? Nutrition?
4. Learning & growing. Novelty is actually a basic need for children, Stephanie says. Support & encourage kids’ curiosity, imagination, and learning.
5. Living with joy & purpose. Does your child’s life include joy & purpose? How can you include more joy & purpose?

“Those five conditions of thriving will protect and support a kid even in catastrophe or crisis,” Stephanie says. She reminds parents that “we have so much power to create conditions that will help our kids weather adversity.”

Taking time to meet your own needs is another way you can help your kids thrive. “Thriving begets thriving,” Stephanie says, “and it is even more contagious than anxiety.”

In this episode, Jen & Stephanie discuss:

• Navigating ever-changing, new challenges
• Managing our anxiety
• Hyper- and hypo-alertness as response to stress
• “Customizing calm”

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

“Whole Child, Whole Life” w Stephanie Malia Krauss — ON BOYS episode

Whole Child, Whole Life: 10 Ways to Help Kids Live, Learn, & Thrive, by Stephanie Malia Krauss

stephaniemaliakrauss.com — Stephanie’s website

Sponsor Spotlight: Better Help

Therapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%

Sponsor Spotlight: Smart for Life

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Kevin Roy, a family science professor at the University of Maryland (& father of 3 sons), encourages his students to discuss these topics (& more) in his popular class, “Man Up.”

“Young women come in saying, ‘what is going on with guys?'” Kevin says. “The young men who take the course are really interested in exploring different ways of thinking about, ‘what is it to be guy?'”

Discussing “Toxic Masculinity”

A lot of people enter the class with the impression that “masculinity is toxic. That men, by nature, do horrible things,” Kevin says, noting that many students (both male and female) have had negative experiences with men prior to his class.

He uses a public health lens to help students explore the idea that, “Men aren’t toxic by nature or nurture. What’s toxic is men’s choices and behaviors that are harmful.” He helps students explore and understand the threats men face to their masculinity, as well as the ways men may respond.

One thing many students don’t understand at the beginning of class is that “men never feel safe in their masculinity,” Kevin says. “They’re always challenged; you always have to earn it and you can always be called out.”

Helping Boys Consider Fatherhood

Modeling may be the best way to help boys understand the roles and responsibilities of fatherhood, Kevin says, noting that it’s most helpful if boys see fathers engaged in the gamut of parenting — feelings and all.

“If we want our boys to be that way, we have to be that way with them now,” he says. Exposure to men in caregiving roles outside of the house — teacher, childcare provider, nurse — are also helpful.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Kevin discuss:

• Young people’s hunger to discuss masculinity
• The diversity of the fatherhood experience
• Threats to masculinity
• Body image pressure
• Boys’ friendships
• Making space for dads to connect
• Marriage and fatherhood

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

• We Must Expand that Definition of Masculinity for White, Cisgender Men: ‘Ted Lasso’ Offers a Guide – Baltimore Sun op-ed by Kevin
• Nurturing Dads: Fatherhood Initiatives Beyond the Wallet, by by William Marsiglio & Kevin Roy 
• Body Image, Eating Disorders, and Boys — ON BOYS episode
• Gender Equality, Boys, & Men — ON BOYS episode with Richard V. Reeves
• Dads Matter (w Marion Hill) — ON BOYS episode
• The New Masculinity — ON BOYS episode

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A lot more than we’re currently teaching them. According to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control & Prevention (CDC), 83.2% infants born in 2019 (the last year for which data is available) started out receiving some breast milk, and 78.6% were receiving any breast milk at 1 month. At 6 months, 55.8% of infants received any breast milk and 24.9% received breast milk exclusively. Breastfeeding rates tend to decline over time due to systemc medical and cultural barriers, says Lo Nigrosh, a birth doula and a international board certified lactation consultant.

Think about it: Boys who don’t learn about birth, babies, or breastfeeding grow up into men who who don’t understand birth, babies, or breastfeeding. Some will become fathers who unwittingly undercut their partners’ confidence. Some will become employers and legislators who pass policies and laws that don’t consider the realities of birth and infant feeding.

“Unless we specifically teach boys about breastfeeding” and birth, then they aren’t going to know about it or be able to provide the physical, logistical, and emotional support their future spouses, partners, and friends may need, says Lo, who also hosts The Milk Making Minutes podcast. Guys “aren’t just going to magically understand milk supply once they become adults, if we don’t start this education early and don’t expose them to all types of baby feeding.”

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Lo discuss:

• Why boys need to know about birth, babies & breastfeeding
• How to talk to & teach boys about breastfeeding and other infant feeding techniques
• Supporting boys who play with dolls and mimic breastfeeding
• Teaching boys about menstruation & female reproduction
• Why robotic babies may not be the best way to teach boys (or girls) about families & infant care

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

The Milk Making Minutes podcast — Lo’s podcast

www.quabbinbirthservices.com – Lo’s website

Building Boys: Raising Great Guys in a World That Misunderstands Males — Jen’s book

Secrets of the Elephants — documentary series

Buffy & Big Bird breasfeeding clip

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None of us do!

Melinda Wenner Moyer, a science journalist, author, and mom of two, says that science can show us the way. In 2021, she published How to Raise Kids Who Aren’t Assholes: Science-Based Strategies for Better Parenting – from Tots to Teens.

Melinda is up front about the fact that raising a non-asshole is a long term project. Kids, she notes, are supposed to be assholes sometimes.

“We feel like — and I think that sometimes society tells us — that ‘good parenting’ is kids that are always obedient, never speak unless spoken to, and never break the rules,” she says. “And that is so not true.”

Kids’ brains are still developing, so it takes time for them to develop impulse control. Additionally, skills — including social and interpersonal skills — are learned over time.

Over-Reacting to Boys’ “Bad” Behavior Doesn’t Help

In our quest to raise non-assholes, many of us are quick to react when young boys say or do something sexist or racist. And while it’s correct to call out the behavior, a harsh, punitive response is not necessarily the best choice.

“Ultimately, in these moments, what we want to be doing is teaching out kids. We want to use this as an opportunity for growth,” Melinda says. “And if we come down really hard — how dare you say that! — that angry sort of reaction can cause boys to shut down. They then go into defensive mode and/or shame; they feel shame for having said it. That makes is really hard for them to be able to engage in a conversation and really be able to learn.”

A better approach is to take a deep breath and then start with a question like, What do you mean by that? Then, dig a bit deeper: “I want to hear a little more about that.” Add historical and cultural context as needed, and help your son consider other perspectives.

The tendency to harshly punish boys’ mistakes is often counter-productive. Boys need consequences and compassion, not punishment and shame.

Supporting Boys’ Friendships

Humans thrive when they’re part of caring communities. Friendships are an important part of that, but a lot of boys (and men) say they don’t have anyone they can confide in.

Boys, like girls, “crave connection,” and young boys typically form close, loving bonds with their friends. But over time, most boys’ friendships become more superficial, less intimate. “The irony,” Melinda says, “is that they’re pulling away from their friends to be accepted as a boy.”

It’s important to remember, though, that male friendships may look different than female friendships. Boys & men may express intimacy intimacy and connection differently than most girls and women – and that’s okay.

“We really have to trust our own instincts in parenting because we know more than we think we do,” Melinda says.

In this episode, Jen & Melinda discuss:

• The genesis of Melinda’s book, How to Raise Kids Who Aren’t Assholes
• Why asshole-y behavior is perfectly normal (and developmentally appropriate) as kids grow
• Allowing kids to see our imperfection & vulnerability
• Responding to offensive, sexist, racist, & misogynistic comments
• Why lying is an important developmental milestone
• Natural & logical consequences
• Male loneliness & friendship
• Using TV shows & pop culture to discuss values & behavior

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

How to Raise Kids Who Aren’t Assholes: Science-Based Strategies for Better Parenting – from Tots to Teens, by Melinda Wenner Moyer

Is My Kid the Asshole? – Melinda’s Substack newsletter

The Epidemic of Male Loneliness — one of Melinda’s Substack newsletter posts

Ending Sexual Violence by Raising Better Boys — Slate article by Melinda

Sexism Starts in Childhood — Slate article by Melinda

How to Raise a Decent Human Being — BuildingBoys post

The Truth About Raising Teen Boys — BuildingBoys post (first line: “Are all fourteen year old boys assholes?“)

Just Don’t Be an Asshole (w Kara Kinney Cartwright) — ON BOYS episode

Phyllis Fagell Discusses Middle School Superpowers — ON BOYS episode

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