If so, you're in the minority these days.

A modern young man has no official initiation into adulthood -- no rite of passage. So he often ends up "adrift on a sea of shame," as story weaver and healthy masculinity educator Djeli Celestia, puts it.

That line alone stopped me cold, because I've seen it so many times in the men I work with: They know what they don't want to be (i.e. like their dad), but no map for how to become who they do want to be. No elder handed them a compass. No ritual marked the threshold. And adrift youth frequently grow up into adrift adults — older, but still lost.

So what's the solution?

Here, healthy masculinity educators Scott and Djeli dig into what rites of passage actually are, why modern culture has nearly lost them, and what happens — to men, to relationships, to family systems — when they're missing. They also share about the beauty and possibility that opens up when we restore these relatively simple but powerful practices.

For example, Djeli shares his own personal story of taking his own son into the woods for a rite of passage at 18 — and what his son left behind with the trees. I'll let him tell you. But I will say: I was deeply moved.

If you're a man who has felt a certain kind of ache — the sense that something important was never handed to you — this one's for you. And if you're in the "sandwich generation," parenting below while navigating aging parents above, there's something in here about how the healing you do ripples in both directions.

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Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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Mentioned on this episode:

• Scott & Djeli's organization, The Inspiring Men Project: https://improject.co/

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Memorable quotes from this episode:

• “I had not entered into adulthood with any rites, and I brought with me a lot of anger.”
• “I’m struggling to find love and passion and that kind of connection, so I’ll find it through pornography.”
• "Who am I to guide anyone?"
• “Initiation isn’t a moment; it’s a process.”
• "There is a real closeness between the secret and the sacred."
• “A lot of men think, 'I caused harm, but I don’t know how to do better.'”
• "He forgave himself."
• "It's not just about what he came back with. It's also about what he left there."
• “We have to have that sense of where we belong in this web of life.”
• "It's when we add wisdom to getting older that we become elders."
• "How can I step up?"
• “When we initiate action, we can invite in change.”

It's easy to feel like our issues in our sex or loves lives are all our fault, and all ours to fix. But what if something bigger is going on?

Here we explore one of the most fascinating -- and still somewhat underground -- healing modalities out there: Constellations (aka Family Constellations).

Constellations is the practice of looking at the broader system you come from — your family, your lineage, generations back — to understand why you might be stuck in patterns that don't make sense given your own life experience alone.

Here Violet breaks down how blocks to love, intimacy, and connection are often not about you at all, but about grief, trauma, or exclusion that happened long before you arrived. Think: your grandfather came back from war a different man, and somehow, decades later, you can't quite open your heart. Or as one participant put it, "I had no idea that what I was holding onto wasn't even mine."

The really cool part? You don't have to do anything. As the client, you get to watch the healing unfold. We share where this practice comes from (rooted in Zulu tradition, brought to the West by German therapist Bert Hellinger), how it interfaces with epigenetics, and what it actually feels like to receive a constellation. Plus — if you're intrigued, we're doing a live constellations event on April 18th focused on healing your relationship with the feminine. Details below.

"The Field has its own intelligence. There's no one clear leader. And it will show us what we need to see — the next important step for your healing and for your growth."

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Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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Mentioned on this episode:

• Healing Your Relationship With the Feminine: our workshop April 18th 10a-3p

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Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "I feel like I have a broken picker!"
• "Survival was dependent on not being seen."
• "We are more than an individual self."
• "The system itself wants to be fully expressed."
• "I leave the grief with you."
• "Trauma is something that happens that our nervous system can't metabolize and then it stays locked in our bodies and locked in the system."
• "Once our suffering is seen, what's left is the love."
• "The blocks are not our own inner system — it's not just 'I have this thing with anger.'"
• "We, as human beings, are part of a greater story."
• "It's about letting the system reorganize."
• "You lost a child and you closed your heart."
• "Secrets were kept."
• "Systems seek wholeness."
• "Ideally humanity is moving as one, and growing as one."
• "When you bring the light of consciousness to bear on something, it changes that thing. There's no separation between consciousness and change."

But even in men’s work spaces (men’s groups, retreats, etc.), one rarely hears these topics discussed. Why?

In a word: shame.

Here, Luke and I debrief our recent course, Sexual Mastery, and what patterns we saw in terms of what it actually takes to heal sexual dysfunction — from ED to delayed ejaculation — in a lasting way.

Spoiler: it's not just a pill or a breathing technique. And it's definitely not about drilling your dick into submission.

We also touch on an unexpected edge that several men had to lean into in order to start having the sex lives they've always wanted, and how your unprocessed grief about your father — yes, really — might have everything to do with your erection.

If you've ever felt like something's off but couldn't name it — or, when it comes to your penis, like you've tried the "logical" fixes and they haven't worked — this one's for you.

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Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "You can't drill the dick into obeying. It requires care."
• “Shame is one of the most uncomfortable sensations in the body.”
• “We were going to have to traverse the shadowland.”
• "What is more insulting to a man, with all of that conditioning, than not being able to have control of your penis? Fuck, if that is not painful."
• “As one man took the leap … it was an irresistible magnet to pull the next man in.”
• "I remember thinking: this man's whole life is different now. He cannot go back to the way that things were."
• “It was probably the most transformative, creative artistic experience I’ve ever been a part of.”
• "All an emotion is, is cellular vitality and blood flow. At a physical level. At a spiritual level, it's a raw sense of aliveness — your essence vibrating through you."

If so, then you might resonate with Nice Guy Synrdome, and you probably want stronger YANG energy (as opposed to YIN energy). Here, Luke breaks down the mind-body connection through the lens of traditional Chinese medicine (TCM). explaining how unspoken resentment, chronic worry, and swallowed boundaries don't just affect your relationships — they show up in your immune system, your gut, and your posture.

Meanwhile, we get real about what women actually feel in the presence of a man who's either checked out of his power or swinging it around like a wrecking ball (spoiler: neither feels safe or sexy).

The good news? Yang energy can be rebuilt — and faster than you think, especially in community. We dig into why breathwork and meditation are such powerful tools for men ready to stop walking on eggshells and start showing up fully. If you've ever wondered why you're so tired, why you can't seem to ask for what you want, or why something just feels stuck — this one's for you.

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Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "The yuckiness that I'm not stating, I will produce and absorb. I'll swallow it, put it down into my own system, and then I will digest that angst, that resentment, that grief, that sadness."
• "The state of mind that brought on the disease cannot be the state of mind that cures the disease. Don't change who you are — and the disease has no choice but to remain the same."
• "When I — or my women friends — can feel that a man is deeply present, and that he has the capacity to stand up for himself… that is sexy."
• "When you watch another man break through — you feel proud, and you feel: if he could do it, I can do it. Because I relate to him and his pain and his story. I know his story, because it's my story."
• "Let's get on with the business of living! Who knows how much time we have?"

---

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

That dread is well-founded. Couples are 40% more likely to divorce after kids leave home. Divorce rates for Americans over 55 have doubled since 1990. And roughly half of all divorces now happen to couples who are 50+ — right in this window. The empty nest isn't just an emotional transition. It's a relationship reckoning.

But there's a surprising and uplifting twist here: research also shows that couples who do the work don't just survive empty nest syndrome — they thrive. Studies show that folks in tended marriages report higher closeness and intimacy after the kids leave. The difference between couples who split and those who catch fire again? Those that see it coming and take action.

Here we speak honestly about what they see in men who sensed flatness in their relationship for years and didn't act. Men in near-sexless marriages telling themselves it's "fine." And men who finally did the work — and found themselves having the best sex of their marriage in their 50s, feeling closer to their wives than they ever have. As one put it, "I didn't even know this was possible. We're having more fun now and being more sexually adventurous than either of us could ever have imagined!"

We also cover a truth that as a culture we don't always like to talk about: The fastest way to reignite your relationship is not always couples therapy.

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Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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Memorable quotes from this episode:

• “We haven’t really had a relationship since the kids were born.”
• “We’re close to if not at the border of a sexless relationship.”
• “I can feel my partner slipping away.”
• “I’m not willing to spend my life in something this stuck.”
• "I don't just want it to be good; I want it to be fucking amazing!"
• "She knew I was never going anywhere. But once that changed — she started relating to me differently."
• “This is one of the main places men can step up.”
• “There’s this gap I want to bridge.”
• “Is this it? Is this the rest of my life?”
• “The sooner you get on top of this, the better.”
• “One of the fastest ways to polarize your relationship is to deepen your relationship with healthy men.”
• “Deep brotherhood changes us. We make bolder choices; we recover from challenge faster; we feel more connected to ourselves.”
• “What’s actually happening in my marriage NOW?”

If you feel stuck, or that there’s stagnant energy in your system that needs some unblocking, Breathwork can be a way of getting MOVING.

It can help you to finally let go.

Perhaps you’re not getting what you want in sex and intimacy, or maybe you just feel empty a lot of the time and don’t know what to do about it.

Or maybe you could write a PhD on your “issues” but you know you need to go beyond talking about it.

Whether you’re still knotted up with sexual shame, or you’re married and trying to figure out why it's so hard for you to lead his wife, or you’re dating going into freeze — or you’ve got patterns around money and finance, the root cause is often the same:

Unprocessed "stuff."

Carrying around tension is like walking through life weighed down by a backpack full of rocks. You don't always realize it's there until you're freed from it.

Plus, women are magnetically drawn to men who are relaxed and grounded in their bodies. That relaxed, open state doesn't just happen, and it's not something you're born with. There are things you can do to get there.

When it comes to processing trauma, shame, or just general stuckness, talking has limited efficacy. That's part of why you may not have gotten the results you were looking for through talk therapy or couples counseling. It's usually when we work the body (hi, somatic therapy) that we truly experience breakthroughs. Or as my guest, Luke Adler, puts it:

"The beauty of breathwork is that you add tremendous fuel and bypass the mind."

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "We men have been acculturated to be thickened up."
• "It made clear where things were really working in my life and where they weren’t."
• "Whatever system is stagnant — it’s going to move."
• "People’s pace needs to be honored."

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Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

Was it what you really wanted, or was it just what your partner or others thought you should be doing at that point?

Millions of people quietly make alternative life choices and relationship choices -- but we rarely talk about them. Enter Amy Gahran and her book, Stepping Off the Relationship Escalator.

In the world of sex, dating, and love relationships, the cultural norm is the "relationship escalator" -- it's the familiar rom-com plotline where you date, become monogamous, put a ring on it, get married, buy a single-family home in the suburbs (don't forget the white picket fence!), have children, and then only "win" at marriage if you stay together until death parts you. You never get to acknowledge attraction to anyone else, and you both avoid questions around emotional closeness with anyone outside your relationship.

Here, we talk about what it looks like to get OFF the relationship escalator.Here are a few concrete examples:

• You want kids, and your partner doesn't. Instead of breaking up, your partner and their close friend become co-parents. You all cohabitate.
• You've gotten divorced, but you're still close friends with your ex-spouse. They buy the house across the street and you hang out all the time. You've become close with their new dating partner.
• After living alone and realizing you feel lonely and isolated, you choose to move back in with housemates -- and you're happier than you've been in a long time

Amy Gahran has interviewed hundreds of people who are off the escalator and are engaging in creative relationships of all kinds. If you've ever wondered what else was possible, listen to this.

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "More is possible."
• "You have options. And even if you want to keep doing what you're doing, make it a conscious choice."
• "Cultivate the skill to re-negotiate because I can guarantee that at some point you're going to need to."

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Amy's site: https://offescalator.com/

In millions of marriages around the globe, one partner is starving for intimacy, and the other feels confused, frightened, frozen, or all three. The sexually guarded partner doesn't know how to open, and their partner feels stuck, unhappy and alone.

So what can they do?

Here we explore exactly that, with a focus on a woman partner who may be terrified of engaging in sexual healing. We explore the origins and root causes of this pattern, as well as sexual intimacy, emotional intimacy, love, commitment, and connection.

We talk about the phenomenon of: “I’m so flooded now that we have kids that it’s really hard for me to have the bandwidth to connect physically with anyone.” And: “Our lack of physical intimacy started bleeding into a lack of emotional intimacy."

\We also talk about the prevalence of sexual trauma, whether from childhood or adulthood or both, as well as how to heal from it.

Hint: One of the best ways to move through it is as a woman is not with a love relationship partner, but with other women.

Sisterhood is powerful medicine.

Mentioned on this episode:

• Violet's program for women: Love Integrated (https://loveandlegacy.circle.so/LoveIntegrated)
• Violet & Jason & Luke's program for women: Heart of Shadow for Women (https://heartofshadow.com/women/)
• DM 1: Pain in Pleasure, Pleasure in Pain
• DM 348: ‘I wish we had sex more.’ (ft. Violet Lange)
• DM 325: What if *every* woman had a self-pleasure practice? 
• DM 265: What if she's got a sexual trauma background? How do you help? (ft. Violet Lange) 
• DM 227: How a woman can reclaim her erotic essence (ft. Violet Lange)

Memorable quotes:

• “It can be very easy for a woman to avoid these conversations.”
• “Couples are complex systems.”
• “If you can’t talk about sex and what’s coming up there, you start to close off other conversational doors.”
• “He’s starving for intimacy, and I don’t just mean physical sex.”
• “There’s a deeper layer of healing and connection that wants to come forth.”
• “‘The closer we got, the less interested in sex I became; it was easy to just focus on planning the wedding.’”
• “I funneled all my energy into work ... and if I’d had kids, I would’ve funneled it into them.”
• “There’s a leaning in so that you, as a unit, — you and your partner — are generating energy.”
• “I can’t live a full life and exclude this part of myself.”
• “I’m ready, and I’m scared.”
• “It’s about having a partner who expresses herself so that you really trust her.”
• “We, as humans, and especially women, are incredibly capable of change and healing and growth and renewal.”
• “Here I am; I’m alive!”

That's where Sara found herself after a 10-year marriage ended; a year of talk therapy later, she still wasn't where she wanted to be. She felt alone in a battle with the voice inside her that said she was a failure, unlovable, and destined to repeat the past.

So she did something most people would never, ever do — and it changed everything.

It involved the kink world — but not in the way you might think. Here, we get into how she set it all up, why she chose to do it the way she did, what it felt like in the room, and — most importantly — what shifted as a result.

This episode is a reminder that healing doesn't always look the way we expect, and that sometimes the bravest thing we can do is feel it all, all the way through ... in community.

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Work with us

• Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I can help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "It had been about a year of talk therapy, and I was thinking, 'Why am I not where I want to be?'"
• “What if I meet someone horrible and think they’re amazing?”
• "These were thoughts like, 'You’re not good enough. You’re not special. You’re never going to find love. Nobody’s ever going to love you. You don’t deserve to find the perfect partner for you.'" 
• "I wanted to be pushed. I wanted to be a bawling mess."
• "I want to feel like I was letting go to a new extent."
• "Is this really the idea?? Do I really want to do this?"
• "I did this thing, and I survived, and I was in control."
• “I chose that pain and I chose to let go of that pain.” 
• "Things just became a little easier — of forgiving myself. Not having to be as perfect. Not having to be completely ready."

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Mentioned on this episode:

• DM 231: Her journey from vanilla marriage to BDSM and kink! (ft. Sara)
• Want to get in touch with Sara? Email me: dearmenpodcast at gmail dot com

If you’re someone who struggles with setting healthy boundaries, you may have noticed a certain pattern in terms of the dating and relationship partners you’ve ended up with.

In our work with men we’ve often seen a certain kind of polarity where men with Nice Guy tendencies attract women with traits of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). These women are often brilliant, funny, engaging, witty, exciting to be around … and volatile. Romantic relationships with them can be a rollercoaster with precipitous highs and lows.

Fortunately, we’ve also seen countless men overcome this pattern and grow beyond it. Here we delve into the pattern itself, reasons behind it, and what to do about it.

Memorable quotes:

• “One of the hallmark traits of Nice Guys is overextending.”
• “It’s often the volatile person’s nervous system that gets centered.”
• “If you don’t see reality their way, you’re the enemy.”
• “There’s a fear that if I end this, I’m going to be alone.”
• “At an early age, the Nice Guy had to regulate one of his parents, or the family system itself.”
• “Maybe me speaking up isn’t aggressive.”

—

Mentioned on this episode:

• Dear Men episode 239: Just realized I’m a nice guy. Now what?
• Dear Men episode 128: Feel like you’re walking on eggshells? Recognizing Borderline Personality Disorder

Do you tend to stay quiet to keep the peace, or freeze during conflict?

Have you ever struggled with boundaries or wondered why standing up for yourself feels so hard?

Here we explore a family dynamic that can be just as damaging for what doesn’t happen as for what does. If there was a volatile parent in your house and a more passive one (or if that's the dynamic you're in as a parent right now, with your own children), you'll want to hear this.

This conversation goes beyond obvious abuse and into the invisible wounds: the confusion of not knowing who will protect you, the way your body learns to brace, appease, or disappear, and how those early patterns quietly follow you into adult relationships.

We also explore what healing can look like — not through blame, but through awareness. How do you grieve the protection you didn’t receive? What does it take to stop replaying the bully–bystander dynamic in your partnerships, friendships, or inner world? If you’ve ever felt caught between harm and silence, this episode invites you to name the experience — and begin choosing something different.

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Mentioned on this episode:

• One Million Rising (pro-democracy training): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4496VWDjwS0&t=19s
• violetlange.com/root -- to sign up & get Zoom link (or replay after Feb 12th). If you have questions, just email violet@violetlange.com. You can also check out her program for women directly at: Love, Integrated 

So begins Kubir's story of moving from a spacious one-bedroom apartment in SF to Radish, a 13-person cohousing community in the East Bay.

“As I was getting older, my friends were getting partnered off,” he shared, and talked about his dating experiences before living in community as, in part, a way of experiencing companionship.

His is a unique perspective because he never thought he'd end up not only living in community, but dating while recently moving in, and having to answer questions to his new love partner about his motivations.

Now his wife is more than just on board -- she's in partnership with him around collaborating with others to create another cohousing community.

So what's it like dating in community, getting married in community, and then having a baby? Listen for all that and more!

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Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I can help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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Mentioned on this episode:

• Supernuclear Substack
• CoHoUS (The Cohousing Association of the United States)
• The Other Significant Others: Reimagining Life With Friendship at the Center -- book by Rhaina Cohen
• Stepping Off the Relationship Escalator: Uncommon Love and Life -- book by Amy Gahran
• DM 242: Stepping off the Relationship Escalator (with Amy Gahran)
• LiveNearFriends.com -- You've thought about it. What's stopping you?

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Memorable quotes from this episode:

• “Even with your best friend, you schedule dinner three weeks out.”
• “It was like, ‘Cool, that’s for you, but that’s not for people like me.’”
• “We buy our own loneliness.”
• “I moved in in the middle of Covid and it… was… awesome.”
• “I can’t think of any other decision that has impacted my day-to-day happiness in a positive way than moving into Radish.”
• “The things I was afraid of happening — I wouldn’t have any privacy; I wouldn’t have enough personal space — didn’t happen.”
• “I’m constantly meeting new people.”
• “Being in orbit with other people is such a healthy thing from a relational standpoint.”
• “You get to see yourself reflected in other people.”

Ever been intimidated by the idea of working out -- and in particular, lifting weights? Then you're in very good company. Fortunately, as fitness expert Mike Bledsoe puts it, "95% of people in the gym are also insecure."

Here we delve right into both the insecurity (and how to overcome it), as well as why Bledsoe, who has trained professional athletes, Navy SEALs, and other fitness experts, prefers to work with beginners.

We talk about how to naturally boost your T levels (easier than you think!), the specific way our physical bodies store our "stuff" (and how to move it), and how to get started if you're not sure what to do first.

We also touch on questions like:

• Is keto really worth it? (What should you actually pay attention to in nutrition trends?)
• How do you safely start lifting weights (without injuring yourself), especially if you're over 50?
• How do you best integrate from deep emotional release work (including psychedelics) in a physical way?
• What kind of stretches are best?

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Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I can help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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Mentioned on this episode:

• The ELDOA method (stretching and myofascial release)
• 
  

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Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "I started asking, 'Why did I get injured?'
• “If I’m really fit, then I’ll finally feel loved.”
• “[My clients] would hide their pain from me.”
• “If you want to increase your testosterone, squat heavy once a week and get in a cold plunge.”
• “If you have tightness in your body, you have emotional stuff going on.”
• “About half of my time spent on my body is stretching … and I don’t get hurt anymore.”
• “No matter where you’re at, you require mentorship and guidance.”
• “Pay attention to every single win.”

• You used to have a good sex life with your partner, but now it has flatlined
• You're in a sexless marriage but at a loss with respect to how to even bring this up with your woman (or you've tried in the past and it went poorly)
• You fear never having passionate, connected sex again

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These are all common patterns we see in our practice.

Here we outline the 5 most common reasons we've seen for this pattern, and some stories of men who've done the work and now have vibrant, thriving sex lives. Passion is possible!

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Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I can help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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Mentioned on this episode:

• DM 222: Are you using your woman for sex?
• DM 217: When sex is about more than just the sex
• DM 358: Do you trust men?
• DM 103: Reverse polarity can kill your sex life as a couple -- you need to know about this
• DM 262: Are you lonely?
• DM 1: What if sex hurts for your partner or she doesn't want it? A woman opens up about her experience

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Memorable quotes from this episode:

• “Your relationship is flat.”
• “I’m gonna ask in a way I can’t be rejected.”
• “‘I tend to wait for the signal.’”
• “I’ve neglected my partner before.”
• “For a lot of guys, ejaculation is how they deal with tension in their bodies.”
• “One of the most painful ways we’ve seen this show up is when this wasn’t clear when they got married.”
• “'I want to feel your desire to be close to me, to know my heart, to know my feelings.'”
• “This is her strongest aphrodisiac!”
• “I’m getting off all the feelings I don’t want to feel.”
• “It’s not so much what we’re doing, but how we’re being.”
• “The pathway to the change you want comes from being honest.”
• “It can change — that’s the good news.”

I've broken it down into six buckets, then listed episodes in an order I believe would be supportive to listen to:

1. Do you identify as a Nice Guy?

If you already know about Nice Guy Syndrome (perhaps you've even read No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover), you'll love these. If you've not yet heard about it but your spidey sense is going off, it's probably a good time to learn more:

• 374: The 3 main archetypes of men. Which one are you? (ft. Jason Lange)
• 239: Realized I’m a "Nice Guy." Now what do I do about it? (ft. Jason Lange)
• 367: 'For some reason, I tend to attract "projects."' (ft. Jason Lange)
• 289: Do Nice Guys tend to attract volatile women? (ft. Jason Lange)
• 235: 'I see a beautiful woman and immediately get triggered. Why?' (ft. Jason Lange)
• 340: Top 3 traits we've seen Nice Guys develop to get what they want! (ft. Jason Lange)
• 295: Ever 'fallen into' a relationship? (ft. Jason Lange)
• 284: Is cheating (including emotional affairs) correlated with Nice Guy Syndrome? (ft. Jason Lange)
• 296: What does it actually mean to step into your power? (ft. Jason Lange)
• 315: What happens once you’ve recovered from Nice Guy Syndrome? (ft. Dr. Robert Glover)

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2. Ever been with an emotionally volatile partner?

If you've ever been with a partner who scared you, who had a lot of emotional intensity, and around whom you felt you were walking on eggshells, then it's time to understand Borderline Personality Disorder. (This could rock your world!)

• 319: 'My relationship is war.' (What do I do?) (Ft. Jason Lange)
• 128: Feel like you're walking on eggshells? Recognizing Borderline Personality Disorder (ft. Violet Lange)
• 313: GuyTalk: Life after being with a BPD partner (Borderline Personality Disorder)
• 354: What’s it like treating Borderline Personality Disorder? (Pt. 1) Ft. Setareh Vatan
• 373: What's it like treating Borderline Personality Disorder (pt. 2) (ft. Setareh Vatan)
• 345: The 4 male "types" who partner with Borderline women (Borderline Personality Disorder) (ft. Violet Lange)
• 163: Ever had red-hot sex with someone who's bad for you? (ft. Jason Lange)
• 221: What's her feminine storm, and what's abuse? (ft. Violet & Jason Lange)
• 386: GuyTalk: How do you co-parent with a challenging partner? (including Borderline Personality Disorder or Narcissistic Personality Disorder)

---

3. Are you curious about sexy time?

We have tons of fun episodes on this! Everything from sexual fantasies to episodes with erotica writers. Here's just a taste:

• 37: Secrets of a Sex Researcher (ft. me!)
• 388: GirlTalk: The reddest, hottest sex we've ever had (as women)
• 318: GirlTalk: Role play in sex. What's it like!?
• 152: GirlTalk: How to go down on a woman so she *loves* it
• 189: GirlTalk: Does size matter?
• 282: Anal sex! Yep, we’re talkin’ about it. (ft. Sara)
• 245: What's it like to be swingers? (ft. John & Jackie Melfi)
• 119: GirlTalk: Blowjobs! What we like and don't like in oral sex on men
• 384: What's the impact of circumcision on a man? (ft. Michael Smith, Intactivist Educator)
• 390: What is foreskin restoration? (ft. Bob Werner)

---

4. Are you dating/wanting to date?

Whether you're wanting to "date better," or you're getting back out onto the scene after a major relationship has ended, you'll find a gem in here:

• 186: GirlTalk: Approaching us in the wild (the "cold approach")
• 220: How do I tell if she likes me? (ft. Jason Lange)
• 136: GuyTalk: Dating after divorce
• 387: GirlTalk: What inspires a woman to deeply trust a man?
• 360: GirlTalk: Striking while the iron is hot!
• 358: Do you trust men? (ft. Jason Lange)
• 335: Ever felt like women had a 'list' in dating & relationships? (ft. Violet Lange)
• 344: 3 dating myths to let go of immediately (ft. Jason Lange)
• 337: GirlTalk: Ever felt like she’s testing you?
• 341: GirlTalk: The most important relationship skill of them all
• 324: What does it mean to open a woman? (ft. Jason Lange)
• 291: Want to get better at dating? Here are 3 ways to practice with women (ft. Violet Lange)
• 138: GirlTalk! When should you text her vs. call her?

---

5. Want to know more about trauma healing?

Eventually we all come to realize how messed up we are. ;) It is at that point that it's helpful to learn more about how to un-learn damaging patterns.

The good news is that it's never too late, and major breakthroughs are more than just possible when you put in the right effort and get the right support -- they're probable.

• 320: From breakdown to breakthrough: how to recover from trauma (ft. Jason Lange)
• 123: What exactly IS somatic therapy, and how does it differ from talk therapy? (ft. Z Zoccolante)
• 379: Can ketamine really treat depression (and PTSD and ADHD)? (ft. Sam Mandel)
• 314: Can microdosing help you develop better relationships? (ft. David Romero)
• 300: What's it like to do MDMA therapy with your wife? (ft. Lucas)
• 278: Need a breakthrough? Try breathwork. (ft. Luke Adler)
• 371: GuyTalk: What's it like doing in-person men's work?
• 150: Want a happy, healthy relationship? Ancestral trauma healing. (ft. Ben Goresky & Mark Wolynn)
• 166: Can psychedelics help heal you? (ft. Jason Lange)
• 159: It happens to boys, too. Somatic therapies to heal from sexual abuse (ft. Rahi Chun)
• 155: Overcome anxious/avoidant attachment with somatic therapy modality Network Spinal Analysis (ft. Dr. Matt Kreinheder)
• 223: Sexological bodywork, somatic sex education, and overcoming trauma (ft. Chris Muse & Alyssa Morin)
• 199: Want to overcome trauma quickly? De-armoring can help (ft. Sunny Ju)

---

6. Are you in partnership? Learn about polarity!

If you've ever been in a sexless marriage, or a love relationship where you wished there was more sexy time happening, polarity is likely a big part of what's going on. Or even if your relationship is good and you want to take it to GREAT, this is the topic for you.

Polarity is a key concept in our work, and it is the balance between masculine and feminine energies, which we often talk about as "alpha" and "omega" energies.

• 380: What exactly IS polarity? (ft. Violet Lange)
• 394: Why is polarity so critical for attraction? (ft. Jason Lange)
• 292: Sex life with your wife not where you want it to be? Reverse polarity could be the culprit (ft. Violet & Jason Lange)
• 360: GirlTalk: Striking while the iron is hot!
• 357: GirlTalk: What does it mean to “claim” her (and why does she love it)?
• 297: The problems with polarity (ft. Jason Lange)
• 293: Give it to me whining! (Ft. Jason & Violet Lange)
• 277: Want to maximize polarity? Learn to do this well. (ft. Jason Lange)
• 66: GirlTalk: When men do this, we get wet.
• 342: Are you scared of her big feelings? This may help. (ft. Jason Lange) [replay]
• 250: How do you re-polarize a relationship (bring back the spark)? ft. Jason Lange
• 322: 5 ways to polarize a powerful woman (ft. Jason Lange) [Replay]

If so, you might have been bumping up against the principle of polarity.

---

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I can help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Mentioned on this episode:

• DM 380: What exactly IS polarity?
• DM 103: Reverse polarity can kill your sex life as a couple
• Dear Men 297: The problems with polarity

---

Memorable quotes:

So shares one of my housemates -- an eloquent interpretation, perhaps, of the loneliness episode we're living through, according to the US Surgeon General.

We all know that loneliness sucks. Among other things, it elevates risk of heart disease, stroke, dementia, depression, and anxiety (among other health concerns).

So what do we do about it? According to the Pew Research Center, around 40% of adults are un-partnered, and a recent CNN article states that close to 30% of all US households are folks living on their own. Add to this the gig economy and an increased prevalence of workplaces that are entirely online, and you've got a major societal issue.

Living in community is one way of coming together, having more fun, getting more practical support, and strengthening the overall social fabric of your life.

Here, I get personal. I myself live in a coliving situation with six other friends. In this episode we delve into questions like:

• What was your life like before living in community, and what motivated you to seek out a community living situation?
• Anything you were hesitant about when it came to living in community?
• What needs of yours are met by living in community? What challenges have you found in it?
• How has living in community impacted your love relationship (if you’re in one)? 
• What advice do you have for others who are considering living in community?

---

Memorable quotes:

• “It seemed like a good healthy risk.”
• “I don’t have coworkers, so the vast majority of my sustaining social connection comes from this house.”
• “It's special to have built-in friends.”
• “One hesitation for me was that everything wasn’t going to be accessible to me 100% of the time in exactly the way I’d want.”
• “Living with people helps me with being open to receiving.”
• “It’s more isolating when you’re living in a home with just your partner.”
• “It's great having that space to be received and seen by others.”
• “It requires vulnerability and communication.”
• “It’s very lively!”
• “A better version of me lives when I live in community.” 

---

Mentioned on this episode:

• Nesterly: Share a home with someone you can trust for over 1 month stays. Renters can lend a hand for discounted rent.
• CoHoUS (The Cohousing Institute of the United States): A resource with courses as well as online social gatherings for those interested in cohousing and coliving

Instead of addiction language, some mental health specialists use the term Problematic Porn Use to discuss this. The heart of it is the same, however: How do I stop watching porn? (and why is it so freakin' hard to stop using porn??)

Here we delve into the topic, but not from a shame-based point of view. Instead we look at the underlying needs that are met by porn use -- and how to move beyond it.

The truth is that this is a complex and intricate subject. It's not as simple or easy as "just stop" -- and whether it's an outside force or your own inner critic saying this, it's simply not helpful (and often damaging).

As with many things in life, the truth is, as Jason puts it: “You CAN do this. You just can’t do it alone.”

---

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I can help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Mentioned on this episode:

• Dear Men 358: Do you trust men?
• Dear Men 262: Are you lonely?

---

Memorable quotes:

• “When we don’t know how to share what’s inside of us, most men will default to is ejaculating it out.”
• “Porn is a subset of the attention-hijacking we’re all in the middle of right now.”
• “It was very disempowering to feel like I didn’t have control.”
• “You get exactly what you want and you can’t be rejected.”
• “As our system gets larger, we don’t need certain crutches anymore.”
• “I hit a certain level of stress, and my body does this.”
• “I changed my life so I wasn’t hitting that trigger switch.”
• “You CAN do this. You just can’t do it alone.”

Original episode can be found here: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/what-relationships-would-you-want-if-you-believed-they/id1548604447?i=1000644331040

What follows is my own reasons for posting this:

---

We are at a crossroads in our cultures and societies worldwide.

In many places, social networks are in tatters. Mental health is abysmal in spots without tight-knit communities -- which, let's face it, is a growing number of places. The nuclear family paradigm has dominated over the past 50-75 years, but does it work?

Evidence suggests otherwise.

Single adults living alone are so lonely they often experience significant anxiety & depression. Parents are stressed and overwhelmed, with children taking up so much energy and attention that it's hard to connect as a couple (including sex! and other kinds of intimacy). And older adults are either aging alone, or in environments that sap their vitality.

Studies show that trends around social isolation hit men particularly hard. According to Gallup, for example, "[Young men in the US] are significantly more likely than their female peers to experience deaths of despair."

And: "Americans who experience daily loneliness are significantly less likely to report smiling or laughing ... They are also half as likely to be classified as 'thriving' in life."

Let's review that: Lonely people are HALF as likely to be classified as thriving. And what happens when you're not thriving? You're almost always not having great sex, wonderful intimate relationships, or a satisfying love life.

So what do we do about this? How do we "fix" the loneliness epidemic?

This is the first episode in a series that I will be doing on creative solutions and innovative ideas around not just how we think about relationships, but how we think about living. I don't mean that metaphorically, either; I mean our literal living environments.

We've lived separately for too long. I believe it's time to bring the generations back together in meaningful ways, and have more FUN at home.

---

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I can help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Mentioned on this episode:

• The Other Significant Others: Reimagining Life With Friendship at the Center by Rhaina Cohen

---

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I can help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes:

• “It’s a journey of healing; it’s a journey of growth; it’s a journey of restoration.”
• “Everyone ends up better … in so many different ways.”
• “Life truly is better with a foreskin!”
• “It’s a wonderful sense of wellbeing.”
• “The glans is an internal organ — it’s not designed to be exposed to nature, and when it is exposed 24/7, it has to protect itself.”
• “Some people report having whole-body orgasms!”
• “Once you have the foreskin, during intercourse that foreskin goes back and forth across the head of the penis and it makes ALL THE DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD. There’s no more working so hard to get to orgasm.”
• “It turns intercourse into beauty.”
• “There are no surgical options because the skin on the penis is unique.”
• “There’s more sensitivity, so you’re not straining and working hard to get to orgasm.”
• “It really doesn’t take very much tension to do this.”
• “Every millimeter of skin you grow is going to bring you relief.”
• “It doesn’t matter what level you’re starting from; the benefits start accruing from the moment you reach down and start gently tugging.”
• “‘Welcome to the community and to your restoration journey.’”
• “When I told my urologist I was restoring my foreskin, I got this blank look.”
• “There is a way to fix this.”

---

Mentioned on this episode:

• DM 384: What's the impact of circumcision on a man? (ft. Michael Smith, Intactivist Educator)
• 
  

There are concrete reasons why it's hard for men in particular to let go of romantic relationships (whether marriages or other long-term committed relationships) that are no longer fulfilling.

Here we delve into 8 specific reasons why it's hard for men to answer questions like:

• "Why do I feel so stuck in my marriage?"
• "How do I fix my marriage?"
• "What do I do if I'm unhappy but feel obligated to stay?"
• "What can I do to make my marriage better?"
• "How do I get my wife to want me again?"

---

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I can help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Mentioned on this episode:

• DM 377: How do you overcome the fear of being alone?
• DM 144: Are you staying together for the kids?
• My streaming sex course! Please Her In Bed: www.pleaseherinbed.com

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• “Often relationships that are hard to get out of have some element of codependence.”
• “What happens if I leave her? How will she survive?”
• “What if I break up with her and she’s mad at me?”
• “If the relationship fails, I fail.”
• “Maybe this is the best I’m ever going to get, and if I leave it, I’ll regret it.”
• “There’s a type of safety there, and not having to confront the fear of being alone.”
• “It’s really about not excluding oneself.”
• “If I don’t believe I’m worth it, I’m not going to ask for it.”
• “Other men are dangerous so the only safe place is your feminine partner.”
• “A relationship doesn’t have to last forever to be successful!”
• “I was living on scraps before, and I didn’t even realize it.”
• “This would have been impossible for me to do without my men’s group.”
• “As you let go into community, you can discover yourself in a totally different way.”

Some of the hottest sexual experiences are some of the least-expected. Sometimes that has to do with location, and sometimes it has to do with ropes and corsets. Often it involves anticipation, and it's frequently NOT about what you think (i.e. perfect "performance").

Here, four of us women friends bring you behind the curtain when it comes to the best sex we've ever had. Some of what we say may surprise you! And some may be things you've always wondered about. Included topics: going down on her, blow jobs for him, domination play, and jumping off (this is not what you think but definitely worth hearing about!).

When it comes to dating and relationships, stand-out sex is a big part of it -- but what that looks like is sometimes unanticipated.

---

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I can help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Mentioned on this episode:

• My streaming sex course! Please Her In Bed: www.pleaseherinbed.com

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "He had me blindfolded so he was like, 'I'm going to take care of you, and I'm going to do all the work.'" ;)
• "You know when you meet up with an ex and it's like, 'Do we or don't we?'"
• "He was very curious and made sure to know what I liked and what I didn't like."

The fact is, those two things are inextricably linked: If you want a woman to feel safe with you, she needs to trust you. Yet we still live in a world where a lot of women feel unsafe with a lot of men.

So what does it take to be deeply trustable? Here, we each reveal what it takes for a man to be trusted by us on a personal level. We share intimate stories of times we interacted with an un-trustable man (and what made him un-trustable), as well as the times we felt deep trust, safety, and connection.

Want a woman to fully surrender to you? Listen on -- whether you're newly dating, long-married, or in any other kind of love relationship, you're sure to get something out of this vulnerable, raw discussion of love, safety, trust, intimacy, and sexuality.

---

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I can help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

Most partners don't start out that way, of course. As one man put it, it felt more like "the ground could be kind of unstable" in the relationship. Another said, "I was hyper-aware of her emotions all the time, and trying to minimize her upheaval."

Maybe the two of you have even tried seeing a couple's counselor. But it didn't work -- or in some cases, even seemed to make things worse. Says one man, "Even in therapy, a lot of it was, ‘You’re the cause of this.’"

Here, three men share their personal experiences of co-parenting with challenging partners -- women who often have traits of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

They go into what it was like being in the relationship, the progression from being a childless couple to having children together, and then the journey out. They share both practical and emotional tips about co-parenting, and offer what they've learned along the way.

If you're in this situation, may this help to light the way.

Memorable quotes:

• “She said things like, ‘You have ruined my life, and caused me more trauma.’”
• “It’s hard to see that stuff when you’re in it.”
• “In reality, we just had wounds that sort of fit well together at the time.”
• “I told myself I had a loyalty to her.”
• “I had so much fear of, 'What’s gonna happen if I actually follow through?'”
• “At some point I didn’t feel safe; I felt threatened.”
• “What made things better for everyone, including my ex, was strong, healthy boundaries.”

---

Mentioned on this episode:

• Dear Men 128: Feel like you’re walking on eggshells? Recognizing Borderline Personality Disorder (ft. Violet Lange)
• Book: Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder, by Paul T. Mason & Randi Kreger
• Book: Loving Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder by Shari Y. Manning, PhD
• Book: Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy, Randi Kreger, et al
• Book: Parallel Parenting -- The Only Way to Co-parent with a Narcissist: Managing a Counter Parent, Setting Boundaries, and Protecting Your Child From Parental Alienation by Wendy Carter
• Article: 25 Fictional Characters People With Borderline Personality Disorder Relate To (https://themighty.com/topic/borderline-personality-disorder/bpd-borderline-personality-disorder-fictional-characters/)

That's a lot of people.

Now let's talk about the stakes:

Does a sexless marriage generally mean a less fulfilling one? In a word, yes. According to researcher and associate professor Denis Donnelly in the New York Times, "Happy couples have more sex, and the more sex a couple has, the happier they report being."

Plus, her research showed that folks in sexless marriages were more likely to have considered divorce than those in sexually active ones.

So what do you do if you're in this position? How do you handle being in a sexless relationship or sexless marriage? Can you bring the sex back in -- repolarize the relationship?

Here, we work on answering questions like: "How do I bring up sex with my wife?" -- in Jason's words, “A lot of guys don’t know where to start because they don’t know where it’s coming from.”

And, "What do I do if my wife doesn't want to have sex with me?" -- or how to handle the sense that when she does, it's more of her feeling like "this is a thing I have to do for you to get you off my back."

It's a tender, vulnerable, and important subject. Let's dive in.

---

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I can help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes:

• “It’s not just about the frequency of sex.”
• “My wife does give me her body, but that’s it. It’s a duty.”
• “For guys, the experience is, ‘Well, why don’t I just use a sex doll?’”
• “Men just shut down and become resentful.”
• “Sex is really just a form of communication.”
• “‘I want to feel her wanting me, wanting sex.’”
• “The more sex we’re having, the more sex we want to have.”
• “Sex is deeply entwined with our ability to open and feel connected.”

---

Mentioned on this episode:

• DM 1: What if sex hurts for her? (her insider view on being closed off sexually)
• DM 196: The "invisible" relationship pattern that can impact everything (emotional neglect)
• DM 250: How do you re-polarize a relationship?
• DM 222: Are you using your woman for sex?

---

To book a call with me to discuss Sexual Mastery, go to melaniecurtin.com/sexualmastery

So what's the deal? Why did it originate as a practice and why has it persisted? And perhaps most importantly, what is the impact on a man -- both physiologically as well as psychologically?

The answers may surprise you -- I know they did me. I was unaware, for example, of the extent to which intact foreskin helps a man with sexual pleasure. I also didn't realize that foreskin restoration is a thing -- that if you've been circumcised, there's actually a way to re-grow foreskin.

There's a lot of intensity and sensitivity around this subject, and for good reason: It matters deeply. If you yourself are circumcised, you have loved ones who are, and especially if you're a parent-to-be, please listen. It's important.

---

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I can help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes:

• “Much of the history is murky.”
• “I acutely felt the feeling of being different.”
• “Dollars per hour, circumcision is the most lucrative thing a doctor can do.”
• “Circumcision is estimated to be a $5B/year industry in the US.”
• “Men don’t like to feel like victims.”
• “Most responses are silence.”
• “There’s an unconscious desire to control the sexuality of children.”
• “‘OK, something really bad happened to me.’”
• “It ends with me.”
• "This can be a story of resilience and triumph."

---

Mentioned on this episode:

• Book rec: Circumcision: The Hidden Trauma -- How an American Cultural Practice Affects Infants and Ultimately Us All
• Documentary on Netflix: American Circumcision
• Subreddit dedicated to foreskin restoration: www.reddit.com/r/foreskin_restoration/
• For more on our upcoming course, Sexual Mastery, go to melaniecurtin.com/sexualmastery

This is part II of a two-part series.

---

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I can help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes:

• “It was an energy of oppression in my body.”
• “Like many things in this field, men tend to not come forward around it."
• “I developed a fear of having sex.”
• “I had seen naturopaths, Western doctors, supplements, etc. and nothing helped.”
• “The core of its energy is that it has no heart for me.”
• “‘Be a good boy; we have to take care of mom.’”
• “I would have paid $100,000 for that result.”
• “It was a miracle in a lot of ways.”
• “My tissues could finally receive the medicine.”

---

Mentioned on this episode:

• Luke Adler: https://lukeadlerhealing.com/
• To book a call with me to discuss Sexual Mastery, go to melaniecurtin.com/sexualmastery

The truth is, sexual dysfunction affects millions and millions of men, but the experience is often one of being alone. Helpless. Feeling stuck or out of control. Common thoughts:

• "Why can't I get hard when I want the sex? I feel like my body's betraying me."
• "I'm so frustrated about cumming so fast -- I want sex to last."
• "What's the point of even going on a date if I know it's eventually gonna end up in the bedroom?"
• "I'm terrified that I won't satisfy her sexually, and then she'll either humiliate me, leave me, or both."
• "What's wrong with me?"

---

Here, Luke reveals the one primary and often overlooked yet vitally important commonality that exists between all sexual dysfunction. As he puts it, “Western medicine has reduced it to it being all about blood flow...” and it's about way more than that.

As a doctor of Chinese medicine, Luke brings a unique and potent perspective on the topic. The plain truth is that overcoming sexual dysfunction like erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, and delayed ejaculation is simply not about what you think it’s about.

---

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I can help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes:

• “I have to whisper about it in doctor’s offices."
• "Shoutout to the men for whom Viagra or Cialis just don't work."
• “Men are conditioned, programmed, indoctrinated into carrying their pain alone."
• “I went to naturopaths and MDs and nothing touched it.”
• “I get that you can run 100 miles. Let’s talk about your relationships.”
• “I could not RECEIVE help … like it could not get into my body.”
• “Your cock is your compass.”
• “This isn’t about sex; this is about power.”
• “It’s literally a miracle.”

---

Mentioned on this episode:

• Luke Adler: https://lukeadlerhealing.com/
• To book a call with me to discuss Sexual Mastery, just email me at dearmenpodcast at gmail dot com

As a sex researcher, I can tell you that when it comes to men's top sex problems, a common and unrelenting theme is around erections: getting them, keeping them, and being able to savor or "complete" them.

This past spring and summer I interviewed ten men about their experiences with erectile dysfunction (ED), premature ejaculation (PE), and delayed ejaculation (DE). Some men had just one thing going on; some had a combination of these things.

This episode is a distillation of the top five things I learned in doing those interviews. There were some unexpected themes, and some you might expect.

If you've ever contended with this topic, I suspect you'll resonate with some of the stories and patterns enumerated here. And get ready for more c*ck content. This whole month is dedicated to the sacred member.

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Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I can help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Mentioned on this episode:

• Book rec: Circumcision, The Hidden Trauma : How an American Cultural Practice Affects Infants and Ultimately Us All by Ronald Goldman
• Documentary rec: American Circumcision (Amazon Prime, YouTube, AppleTV+)

Here we delve into what it actually means ... and how it connect to hot sexy sex. ;)

Seriously, though, polarity is a big part of how to generate attraction regardless of what type of body you're in, and it also relates to how to generate safety within relationship.

If you want to be magnetic to your current or future partner(s); if you're interested in keeping sexy time passionate over time within a committed relationship, if you like the idea of knowing how to effortlessly encourage a partner to soften and relax into their body -- or step up and step into their power; or you want to know how to make a new dating relationship extra rich and deep, you'll get a lot out of this one.

---

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I can help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Mentioned on this episode:

• Book rec: Way of the Superior Man by David Deida; Dear Lover by David Deida; Blue Truth by David Deida
• The Love Field (new course by Violet Lange): violetlange.com/lovefield/

And the US isn't the only place affected -- rates of depression, anxiety, PTSD, OCD, ADHD, and more are rising globally, especially post-pandemic.

We need new, innovative, and effective ways of meeting this challenge, which impacts not only adults but teenagers and even children. And as you can imagine, depression in one parent or family members impacts the whole family, including intimate partners.

Here are a few questions of the many questions I pose to Sam Mandel, CEO and co-founder of Ketamine Clinics Los Angeles:

• What exactly is ketamine, and how is it used to treat depression, ADHD, OCD, etc.?
• Is ketamine safe? What are the risks? How long does it take to see results? What are the statistics on how well it works?
• How much ketamine do you need to get results? How is it dosed?
• Can ketamine be used to treat tweens or teens in distress (self-harm, suicidality, etc.)?
• How much does it cost? Is ketamine covered by insurance?

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• “Suicidality is a spectrum.”
• “Depression doesn’t discriminate."
• “It’s a happy cry in a lot of ways!”
• “On ketamine, the whole brain is lit up.”
• “It’s really never too late to make major changes to who you are.”
• “There are a lot of people who are really suffering who are high-functioning.”
• “Poor sleep has a domino effect on energy, memory, mood, etc.”
• “People often have a spiritual experience.”
• “It’s the ketamine plus care.”

---

Mentioned on this episode:

• Ketamine Clinics of Los Angeles: ketamineclinics.com
• Dear Men episode 364: What exactly is complex PTSD, and how do you know if you have it? (ft. Setareh Vatan)

More than once, we've had clients disappear for a bit, and upon reappearing say things like, "Sorry, I just had one of the worst weeks of my life last week."

And we wonder: Why, during some of your darker times, are you not reaching out for love?

Here we break down the reasons why this pattern exists. Why is it so hard for men in particular to ask for help? What helps shift a man from this kind of pattern into a healthier one of interdependence?

And how does all of this show up in a marriage, love relationship, or even in dating? Because make no mistake -- it does.

If you want to be successful with women, be the best husband you can be, or just feel more settled, grounded, and confident when it comes to dating or relating, check this out.

Support the podcast and join The Heart of Shadow at melaniecurtin.com/heartofshadow

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I can help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• “You don’t know the love that you’re missing.”
• “I don’t want to share this because it could be ammo for attack.”
• “Men don’t want to be a burden, and ‘put their feelings on someone else.’”
• “I’ve been there — men hold it all inside.”
• “I gotta go back to that stoic man who doesn’t need other people.”
• “We don’t trust society. We don’t trust culture.”
• “So much of the wounding men carry come from peer relationships when they were young.”
• “When one man brings forth the truth or vulnerability, it inspires the other men.”
• “Every time a man disrupts this kind of culture, you’re lighting the way for another man.”
• “When we collapse and don’t reach out, there’s something in the background: This belief that there’s not enough. Not enough money, not enough money, not enough women.”
• “Is my wife gonna still love me tomorrow?”
• “What is masculinity? That’s the debate we’re having right now as a culture.”
• “It just leaps out of our hearts.”
• “It’s moving from ‘I am alone’ to ‘I belong.’”
• “By joining the group, you actually become more yourself.”
• “The shared value is: We want to grow.”
• “As I was running myself ragged, I was running my wife ragged.”
• “I’m just going to be here with you in it.”

The truth is, almost all human beings have a visceral, primal fear of being alone. We are social animals, and our survival has depended on inter-connectivity since time immemorial. We fear and are stressed by isolation, separation, and loneliness.

It is also true that this fear of being alone is a driving force behind any number of unhealthy relationship patterns.

When you're afraid of being alone, you're far more likely to compromise your sense of self for someone else. You're more likely to put up with toxic behaviors or staying with partners with untreated Narcissistic Personality Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder, for example.

Here, we dive into themes around codependence, interdependence, worthiness, fears like, "If I don't have kids, who will take care of me when I'm old?", and how men we know and have worked with have grown into or past these kinds of thoughts.

Because we've witnessed (and experienced ourselves) the power of knowing at a cellular level that you're not alone, and how that can change everything.

---

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I can help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• “I was terrified of being alone, and hated it.”
• “They have the awareness, they just don’t know what the f*** to do about it.”
• “The default for many men is talking about pussy, sports, or engines.”
• “I’m in some kind of pain and I don’t know where it’s coming from and I don’t know what to do about it.”
• “This guy has so much on his back, his insides are collapsing… and he has no one to talk about it.”
• “We keep doing the addiction because there’s so much fear of touching what’s underneath it.”
• “Goddamn I was lonely.”
• “I can’t leave this partner because I’d be alone (and they’d be alone).”
• “The work doesn’t occur unless you do it.”
• “It does take a kind of tribal experience to heal.”
• “A part of him got to relax that had never relaxed before.”
• “When you can root someone into their true size, it’s kind of a miracle.”
• “We go deep, and we go deep fast.”
• “Inside of you is an impulse for something more.”
• “You do not have to go alone.”

---

Mentioned on this episode:

• melaniecurtin.com/heartofshadow

I was one of those women.

UTIs are so prevalent that they are the second-most common reason for antibiotic prescriptions on the planet. And in case you've never had one, rest assured that UTIs are painful, disruptive, and deeply anxiety-producing.

They are also, 90% of the time, contracted due to sexual intercourse.

UTIs are a sex problem, which often also makes them a relationship problem. If you, as a man, has had a woman partner who was stressed about having sex out of fear of getting a UTI; a friend with serious health issues due to her gut biome being decimated by antibiotics; or a sex partner who was in tears, in despair at getting yet another one, you're far from alone.

Fortunately, you be a hero to all the women in your lives by spreading the word about a solution:

Good Kitty has an extremely effective prevention method. Their doctor-developed, urologist-approved formula supports good bacteria, neutralizes the bad when it matters (i.e. right after sex), and impacts the bacteria in the gut that cause UTIs, thus helping to prevent recurrence.

This interview with Meghan Blake, CEO and co-founder of Good Kitty, is both entertaining sobering, enlightening, and uplifting. Also, I drop a few F-bombs, so that's always fun. ;)

Real talk: Reliable UTI prevention is life-changing for both her sex life, and yours.

Work with us

If you're committed to breaking old patterns and transforming your sex & love life in a real and lasting way, we'd love to work with you. To see if there's a fit, book a call here. www.evolutionary.men/apply

---

Mentioned on this episode:

• Good Kitty Co.: https://goodkittyco.com/ (use code DEARMEN20 for 20% off)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "Every time we had sex, this was the outcome."
• “I was desperate. It was like, 'This cannot be happening to me again.'”
• “These can be really serious infections if they’re not treated.”
• “I wanted to have someone to blame.”
• “I know it’s him!”
• “Guys are really wanting to help, and do whatever they can to care.”
• “This is getting in the way of our sex lives, and our sex lives are the source of a lot of our joy and connection.”
• “I don’t want to become a celibate person because of UTIs.”
• “It has made my heart burst open.”

So begins Jason in describing his journey around learning to be "in his masculine" and "in his feminine." These are terms related to polarity that get thrown around a lot, and we wanted to break down what we're referring to in more depth.

What does it mean to be dominating versus assertive? Is it ever helpful to be passive? How does healthy polarity impact a marriage -- and especially one's sex life? Can you re-polarize a love relationship that feels "off" or isn't working in some way (sexually or otherwise)? Where does being in the masculine intersect with trust?

Listen to find out.

Come to the Retreat!

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Join us LIVE for our yearly, in-person retreat. As of this episode dropping, we've got 3 slots left. We'll be in NorCal this Labor Day weekend, Aug 28th - Sept 1st, 2025. To sign up or learn more, go here. www.evolutionary.men/retreat

---

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I can help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• “I like to think I’m super ‘in my masculine’ but a lot of times I’m just in my head.”
• “I was waiting, which meant she was being put in the lead.”
• “The friction points in my marriage are when she has to track something (and doesn’t feel like I’m tracking it).”
• “A lot of us Nice Guys shy away from this because we don’t want to be dominating.”
• “I have to read her body, but I also have to direct.”
• “This is masterful; I’m just going to let go completely for the ride.”
• “The willingness to get it wrong is part of what makes it meaningful.”
• “Good leadership always involves listening.”
• “I literally just needed to do the thing I wanted to do.”

---

Mentioned on this episode:

• DM episode 181: What exactly is polarity? We break it down.
• DM episode 103: Reverse polarity can kill your sex life as a couple -- unless you do this.
• DM episode 277: Want to maximize polarity? Learn to do this well.

One of the advantages we have as coaches for men is that we seen the patterns that frequently show up for different men. We've noted three specific archetypes in our work and here, we go over them. (If you've ever heard me reference the heart/cock matrix, that's part of this episode.)

Why does this matter? In large part because most women I know who are attracted to men (myself included) have a deep yearning to relate romantically with men who embody one specific archetype that we discuss here. We cover all three types of men, their differences, their paths, and the one that a lot of women crave from the depths of their being.

(And while the themes in this episode are framed in a heterosexual/straight dating and relationship context, I believe there's a universal human longing involved here.)

Come to the Retreat!

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Join us LIVE for our yearly, in-person retreat. As of this episode dropping, we've got 4 slots left. We'll be in Northern California this Labor Day weekend, Aug 28th - Sept 1st, 2025. To sign up or learn more, go here. www.evolutionary.men/retreat

Work with us

If you're committed to breaking old patterns and transforming your sex & love life in a real and lasting way, we'd love to work with you. To see if there's a fit, book a call here. www.evolutionary.men/apply

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "A lot of men were raised by a dad who they didn't want to be like."
• "For the basic bro, there's a lot of 'go' energy -- a lot of action-taking; and a lot of 'I' energy (rather than 'we' energy)."
• "These kinds of men will get laid, but they won't get her to commit to them."
• "If he hasn't gone to those depths within himself, I don't trust him to hold my depths as a woman."
• "Nice Guys -- one of their superpowers is helping people to feel safe."
• "Growing up, these guys are learning to prioritize others rather than themselves."
• "'I was waiting for her to give me a sign that it was OK to kiss her.'"
• "It's allowing yourself to be seen when you don't have it all together."
• "For these men, it feels like, 'I'm giving and giving and giving, and never getting.'"
• "He re-polarized his relationship, and it changed everything."
• "Nice Guys will often end up in a relationship because the woman took the initiative."
• "Who were you raised by?"
• "What does it mean to love myself and grow?"
• "Around anger I had thoughts like, 'Why bother? It won't do anything anyway.'"
• "It's the ability to go to wherever we need to go in any given moment."

• When you “cross” someone with BPD, they often want to punish you / make you suffer. Why?
• Why are folks with BPD traits so sensitive to rejection?
• Does BPD show up differently in women vs. men? We often hear about BPD women — why is that? 
• What do you do if you've noticed that your partner has BPD traits?
• How do you know when it's time to leave the relationship vs. stay and work on it?

---

Come to the retreat!

It's August 8th - September 1st in Northern California (about 2 hours north of San Francisco). We work hard to keep it financially accessible, and payment plans are available.

As one man put it in this episode, “If you’re thinking about going, you’re already there.”

https://evolutionary.men/retreat/

---

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Mentioned on this episode:

• Dear Men episode 354: What it's like treating BPD (pt. 1)
• Setareh Vatan's Psychology Today profile
• Book: Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder
• Book: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• “Love alone doesn’t fix unaddressed wounds.”
• “When the inner experience feels unbearable, sometimes acting out anger feels like the only way to bridge the gap.”
• “‘I’m in pain; don’t leave me; come back.’”
• “Your partner is more than their defenses. That said, loving someone with BPD traits can be intense.”
• “Boundaries are not abandonment.”
• “‘I can see this feels really scary for you.’”
• “There’s usually a younger part asking, ‘Do I matter to you?’”
• “‘You matter to me. I’m not leaving you. I care when these things get hard.’”
• “This can erode your sense of self over time.”
• “I understand you feel abandoned when you don’t hear from me right away. I wasn’t ignoring you; I was in a meeting.”
• “Compassion for the person with BPD doesn’t mean excusing harm.”
• “BPD reflects unmet emotional needs and trauma.”
• “I’m the adult here that’s going to create that safety.”
• “I thought you were saying that I’m damaged, un-fixable, or broken.”
• “Underneath intensity is usually someone who longs for stability and connection.”
• “You can’t love someone’s pain away, but your steadiness, boundaries and compassion can make a difference.”
• “A healthy relationship requires BOTH people’s willingness to grow.”
• “I believe it’s possible for anyone to heal.”

That said, there are also some underlying patterns that may need addressing, particularly if this is a recurring pattern that's preventing you from even getting started dating, or holding you back from what you really want: A loving, healthy, life-expanding romantic partnership.

Here we delve into the most common ways we've seen men be afraid of women -- and what to do about it.

---

Come to the retreat!

It's August 8th - September 1st in Northern California (about 2 hours north of SF). We work hard to keep it financially accessible, and payment plans are available.

If you're looking for an emotional/psychological breakthrough, and/or if you want to build loving and healthy male community, and/or if you just feel called to attend for a reason you can't quite identify, join us! As one man put it in this episode, “If you’re thinking about going, you’re already there.”

https://evolutionary.men/retreat/

---

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• “Girls were different creatures that I didn’t understand.”
• “If I put myself out there, what if she doesn’t like me?”
• “For Nice Guys, our self-worth is tied up her opinion of me.”
• “Someone would touch me and I would startle, like my body was braced.”
• “I get a sense that something is happening but I don’t know how to talk about it.”
• “Am I now blowing it because I should be touching her right now, but I’m not?”
• “Connection in and of itself is soothing.”
• 00:34:05 Melanie Curtin: “My family didn’t know how to soothe. I had to learn how to self-soothe.”
• “It’s hard for us to relax as young boys if mom is wound up all the time.”
• “All I do is hear mom talk about how awful dad and men are.”
• “There’s a way you need to be in order to receive love.”
• “I have to rescue my mom.”
• “If we’re in fear of her (or her state), it’s hard for her to trust us.”

So says one man on this episode, describing his experiencing attending his first in-person men's retreat.

If you've ever felt intimidated or unsure about doing in-person work with other men, you're far from alone. In the words of one man on this panel, “There’s a shared understanding of the brutality between men.”

But it doesn't have to stay that way. There can be a kind and loving experience of brotherhood.

---

Come to the retreat!

It's August 8th - September 1st in Northern California (about 2 hours north of San Francisco). We work hard to keep it financially accessible, and payment plans are available.

As one man put it in this episode, “If you’re thinking about going, you’re already there.”

https://evolutionary.men/retreat/

---

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• “I never felt like other boys.”
• "I wanted to be vulnerable and open, but I didn’t know how, and I wasn’t sure I could.”
• “I was nervous as hell.”
• “We lived on cheesy jokes and greasy burgers.”
• “I was deathly afraid to become a terrible father.”
• “I cried tears of joy for the first time in my life.”
• “I realized — through all the work I’ve been doing, therapy, self-reflection, etc. — how much love I have for myself (finally).”
• “I went into a panic because I’m having flashbacks of summer camp.”
• “If we’re gonna talk about this trauma, we might as well do it in the hot tub!”
• “There was racism even within my own church.”
• “When I was a boy, there was never any spiritual or deep, emotional holding by men in my life.”
• “Part of going to the retreat was to build my nervous system into more resilience.”
• “We’re going to be there no matter what.”
• “I can accept other men’s unconditional love, and it helped me know how to provide unconditional love to other men.”
• “I used to use my intellect to defend myself or talk my way out of things.”
• “I came into the first retreat a very tough nut to crack.”
• “There’s now a level of connection now with my wife that I can’t even describe.”
• “The dynamic within my whole family has changed.”
• “There is hope with change.”
• “You’ll make friends.”
• “Come for the food; stay for the healing.”
• “You WILL experience a transformation.”
• “This is where you get your master’s degree in men’s work.”
• “Just get there.”

A lot of people know the term "codependence" but aren't clear on what it actually means in a concrete way, or what to do about it if it does fit. For example, how do you know if you're codependent or your spouse is? Can one person "be" codependent while the other is not?

Here we go right into what codependent dynamics are, and aren't -- and how to grow into independence and ultimately interdependence.

In Jason's words of his own experience: "It was years of trying as hard as I could to make things better but never being good enough to matter how hard I tried." And, "That rescuer is filled with needing to be needed. That’s where it began for me."

If your love relationships have always confusing, unfulfilling, or just not quite right -- or if you've often felt like you were just taking care of your partner (she wasn't able to take care of herself), this will likely be helpful to you.

The men we work long for MORE, and I also want to say direct: That's available. You don't have to stay stuck. Growth is always possible.

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode: 

• “As long as my partner was approving of me, there was a sense of, ‘I’m OK.’”
• “There was a fear — if I’m not with her, I’ll be alone.”
• “We’re deeply entwined with each other where there’s almost no agency or independence.”
• “While the relationship was ‘safe’, we were both suffering deeply inside.”

If not, then some of these things may apply:

• You felt like (or continue to feel like) you need to take care of your mom or dad
• You don't really feel free to live your life as you'd like because you know this might "hurt" one or both of your parents
• While growing up and/or when you're home these days, you have to walk on eggshells so as not to upset them
• You feel that their emotional wellbeing is somehow your responsibility (As one man on the panel put it, "As long as I please them, they won’t be emotionally unstable.)
• You've heard terms like 'enmeshment' or 'emotional neglect' and thought, "Hmmm, that might apply to me."
• You just have an intuitive sense that you need to set some boundaries with one or both of your parents.

---

In this panel discussion, four men share their raw, authentic and vulnerable truths around boundaries they've needed to set with their mothers, fathers, or both. We also hit on some highlights around Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), since many emotionally immature parents have BPD patterns.

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• “The real hammer came down when my mom figured it out.”
• “I just remember the house being filled with almost like an emotional toxic gas.”
• “She said, ‘You’re gonna tell me NO?’ — and I’m 32 years old and trembling.”
• “I was at the mercy of conditional love.”
• “I needed to claim my sense of self.”
• “Before I got sober, I couldn’t even conceptualize what boundaries were.”
• “I don’t have a mother; I have a 60-year-old child.”
• “My role was: ‘I am responsible for healing my mom’s depression and sadness.’”
• “The two most important women in my life — my mother and my partner — are now at odds with each other.”
• “So I told my parents: 'The next time we have a conversation about my relationship with my woman, she will be there in the room with us.'”
• “I have true confidence now. I know what I need, and this is what I need from you.”
• “No one has the remote control to my emotions; they get the manual.”
• “I started to realize how much my autonomy was impacted, disrupted, and denied.”
• “When I set that boundary with my parents, my partner was just thrilled, and proud and happy.”
• “It was like no matter what I did, she was always going to be right... there was no space for me to exist.”
• “There is no capacity for this person to see where she has hurt others.”
• “As I pulled back more and more, the neediness ramped up and up and up.”
• “Mom, I’m sorry — I can’t have a relationship with you right now.”
• “There’s a part of me that just wanted to be the ‘good boy.’”
• “I’ve been no contact with my mom for six years, and honestly it’s been a relief.”
• “I started to come to myself from a place of compassion rather than from a place of shame.”
• “I really did make every effort possible for us to have a healthy relationship.”
• “If you’re feeling stuck, that’s the perfect time to reach out for help.”
• “You are not alone.”

---

Mentioned on this episode:

• Dear Men 354: What's it like treating Borderline Personality Disorder?
• Dear Men 345: The 4 male 'types' that partner with women with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
• Dear Men 128: Feel like you're walking on eggshells? Recognizing Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

Even outside of dating, it felt like something was missing in his life ... like he just wasn't completely alive. He knew he wanted something different, but didn't know how to get there.

Then he attended one of his first personal growth events -- a men's workshop. When the attention was place on him, within twenty minutes a mentor had him on the floor (in a good way).

He got to a place during that workshop that he hadn't gotten to in three full years of talk therapy. It was transformative, uplifting, and revolutionary to his nervous system. He released energy that had been stuck within him for decades. In a way, it set him up for the life he actually wanted to lead.

If you've ever wanted MORE, you're not alone. You don't have to stay stuck. You can have the breakthrough you've been waiting for.

---

Work with us!

Want to go deeper than the podcast? We're ready to work with you! To see if there's a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. https://evolutionary.men/apply/

---

Come to the retreat!

This year it's Thurs Aug 28th through Mon Sept 1st in Northern California (about 2 hours from SF). For more info, go to evolutionary.men/retreat. We'd love to see you there.

You may even have been with a partner who became so emotionally dependent on you that you became concerned that if you weren't there, she'd be in serious trouble -- might even hurt or kill herself. As Jason puts it, "If I remove myself from the situation, I don’t know how my partner would survive."

This episode is actually not about those women! ;) This episode is about the other side -- you.

If you've wondered why you've repeated this pattern of attracting "projects," you've come to the right place. Here we break down what goes into the pattern of attracting women you feel you need to "save" or "rescue." We talk about the vulnerability involved in dating healthier women, as well as the immense payoff -- and how to get there.

This episode will also resonate if you've ever felt burdened or resentful in your relationship -- like you're doing way more than your partner, and putting in more than you're getting back. We talk about the pain of feeling used ... and what to do about it.

---

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good. If you're looking for high-quality relationship advice, we've got it.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• “There’s a type of security, safety, and polarity that comes from being the hero.”
• “If I’m doing stuff for you and you appreciate that, I get to feel good about myself.”
• “Just because you need some kind of help doesn’t mean I have to rescue you.”
• “When we overextend, we attract partners who don’t have a sense of boundaries.”
• “I know and trust she can handle herself.”
• “We are co-creating together, rather than one of us pulling the cart the whole time.”
•  “When we’re not getting energy back as men, resentment builds like crazy.”
• “If I’m not winning, are you still going to love me?”
• “Get on a growth path.”
• “Getting into good community with men is inoculating yourself against future projects.”
• “I don’t want to do all the heavy lifting.”

Or felt it would be helpful to somehow mathematically see how compatible you are with someone you’re dating? 

Or gone through a difficult period with a relationship partner and wished you could understand one another better? 

There’s a love tool that may be able to help. 

Zoey Charif went from getting a degree in Crimonology to writing about love and relationships — and in her love work, she brought to bear her curiosity about human behavior. 

The result? Her generating an instrument (like a personality test) that helps couples as well as singles grasp, another other things, compatibility. 

Perhaps the most interesting part is that Zoey herself has used it alongside her husband — to great effect in their marriage. 

---

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good. If you're looking for high-quality relationship advice, we've got it.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• “What causes betrayals?”
• “We are driven by primal instincts.”
• “I feel lucky to be with you.”
• “No one wants to feel like, ‘I’m not doing well in my marriage.’”
• “We both started to step up.”
• “If you’re unhappy, your spouse is probably also unhappy.”
• “Change takes time.”
• “You are not put on this earth to be unfulfilled.”
• “You can’t be doing the work for both of you.”

---

Mentioned on this episode:

• Zoey's site: www.lovecaninfactbecalculated.com

If part of your job is to provide stability, then it can seem like even if your love relationship isn't fulfilling, it's best to grit your teeth and get through it -- at least until the kids are out of the house.

The truth is a lot more nuanced.

Consider the following, for example:

What are you role-modeling to your children if you stay in a relationship that's physically or emotionally barren? What are they learning from you and your partner about conflict and repair? About boundaries? About warmth and affection?

Would you want them to someday be in the relationship you're in?

One confusing constellation of this can be when you're great co-parents with your wife/partner, but, say, your sex life is dead. In other words you manage the household well together, but there's no passion. Another is when you have a difficult spouse/partner and feel concerned that if you're not around to protect the kids from her, issues will arise.

Here we delve into unhealthy (and healthy) relationship dynamics, whether "making it work" is a real thing, and what you impart to your kids daily, without saying a word.

Growing almost always requires discomfort, but here's the good news: When you choose to lean into growth, you're teaching your children the bravest lesson of all.

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good. If you're looking for high-quality relationship advice, we've got it.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

• You've held beliefs like, "I must be broken," or, "The world is completely dangerous."
• You constantly tested your partner's loyalty
• You've thought things like, "I'm too much and my needs are too much."
• You've played out patterns to the effect of: "If I meet your needs perfectly, maybe you won’t hurt me or leave me."
• You've experienced health issues like chronic pain, gastrointestinal issues, or chronic fatigue
• You've alternated between pushing others away or clinging tightly
• You feel confused about your relationship issues because when looking back on your childhood you've thought, "No one overly abused me, so why is this happening?"

---

If so, you may be dealing with complex PTSD, also known as C-PTSD. Here we delve into what C-PTSD is, what it's not, and what to do about it.

We also discuss the reality that trauma is intergenerational by nature. If your parents or their parents didn't get what they needed, and if those folks don't do their healing work, they're extremely likely to pass it on. But you don't have to.

Whether you're coming with anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, disorganized attachment, fearful avoidant attachment, or somewhere in between, know this: Healing is ALWAYS possible.

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good. If you're looking for high-quality relationship advice, we've got it.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Mentioned on this episode:

• Setareh's Psychology Today profile

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "Developmental trauma can shape personality development."
• "They may deeply crave closeness while simultaneously fearing it."
• "This is the nervous system interpreting current stress as old danger."
• "Intimacy may be disrupted by this internal sense of danger that is hard to name."
• "Relationships can be a powerful source of repair."
• "Safe relationships can help reestablish trust, soften defenses, and over a period of time can support emotional regulation."
• "The body often holds what the mind cannot express."
• "It’s often intergenerational trauma playing out."
• "Trauma is both individual and collective."
• "Healing is absolutely possible. I have seen it!"

If not money, then what IS the modern man supposed to provide?

If you're a man, it may be hard to grasp what a woman truly craves from you. There's good news on this front, though: We women still need you! In fact, many would say we need healthy, passionate, masculine men now more than ever.

And there are two very specific things healthy, embodied women truly desire from men. Here we delve into those, and along the way touch on sexy time, how hot it is when a man has a strong backbone, and how to keep up with all the shifting dynamics going on when it comes to sex, love, and dating in the modern world.

---

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good. If you're looking for high-quality relationship advice, we've got it.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Mentioned on this episode:

• Dear Men episode 262: Are you lonely?
• Dear Men episode 215: Are you intimidated by her big emotions? Here's what to do.
• Dear Men episode 329: How do you stay grounded when she’s upset or dysregulated?
• Dear Men episode 305: GuyTalk: Overcoming religious programming
• Dear men episode 327: Transforming shame into power

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

•  "How do I win in this?"
• "Can you provide me steadiness in a turbulent world?"
• "We men are being asked to show up more — with more complexity."
• "I just avoided conflict … deny, deflect, defend."
• “If we don’t have a capacity to attune and be present with ourselves, we can’t do it with a partner."
• "Emotional safety does not mean please and appease."
• "There’s not a lot we as a couple can do about that until I’ve worked with my own shame."
• "Women, more than ever, want to be polarized!"
• "Most people want to know their partner wants to f*** them!"

When Naushad was young, he came very close to being a pro soccer player. But physical injury after injury stymied him, and set him on a path of healing that took him from North to South America and beyond.

This is one man's personal journey of going from being a skeptic to a believer. Not a blind faith believer, but one with nuance and consideration -- and longstanding impacts on not only his his sex, dating, and relationship life, but his experience with Life itself.

---

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good. If you're looking for high-quality relationship advice, we've got it.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• “The limiting beliefs started to pick up and escalate.”
• “I could not sit with myself because there was so much anxiety.”
• “I had to ask for help, and that has historically been one of the most difficult things for me.”
• “Immediately all these doors start to open, without me trying.”
• “The messages are always there; it’s just a matter of whether we’re willing to listen.”
• “In the seeking, what that meant for me was having the humility to say, ‘I don’t know.’”
• “I’m in a dark hole and I don’t know what to do.”
• “The practice becomes not working or trying, but letting go and letting it come through.”
• “'True faith is being able to step forward when you can’t see.'”
• “What’s the next right door?”
• “This is the most important work you’ll ever do in your life.”

---

Mentioned on this episode:

• Naushad's site (https://resilientbeing.me/)
• Book rec: The Alchemist
• Book rec: The Celestine Prophecy
• Dear Men episode 305: GuyTalk: Overcoming religious programming and trauma

As Jason says, "For men in particular, it means something about you if you haven’t had sex."

If it took you a while to start dating, have sex, or get into a relationship (or if, perhaps, you're not there yet as of today), you're not alone!

Here we talk through Jason's experience around pursuing ("The hope was a girl would tell me they liked me, and THEN I would feel comfortable to make the move."); dating without a lot of sexual experience (“I was terrified of what a partner would think.”); and journey around overcoming these patterns ("When you have the right system, growth can happen pretty fast!”)

Listen on to feel more relaxed and empowered about your dating and relationship experience -- wherever you're starting from.

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "All my somatic, unprocessed wounding would come forward."
• "There’s this deep sense of being behind."
• "If you don’t like me, I get hooked on you in a sense."
• "In my family, we were robots in the same house."
• "He had people on his team to cross this divide."
• "I kinda ended up with a partner that I don’t really like."
• "Every man carries a few arrows in his heart."
• "Who even wants me? What is my value to society?"
• "It was hard to throw myself into a career when I didn’t know myself."
• "Opportunity comes from connection."

---

Mentioned on this episode:

• DM 196: The “invisible” relationship pattern that can affect everything (on childhood neglect)
• Book: Of Boys & men: Why the Modern Male is Struggling, Why It Matters, and What to Do About It

Seriously though -- striking while the iron is hot makes you a man who can generate polarity, build trust, and have women want to surrender to you. Knowing how and when to take action is very sexy ... and passivity, not so much. And all of these principles apply whether you're in a dating relationship or you've been married for decades.

Here we go through examples of men who've done this well in dating, relationships, and yes, definitely in sex! And we talk about times that we as women have felt confused, rejected, or both -- as well as times we felt lit up, radiant, desired, and HOT for the men in our lives!

---

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good. If you're looking for high-quality relationship advice, we've got it.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• “Sure, I’m not happy, but at least I know my non-happiness.”
• “Relationships are a skill.”
• “I always felt his desire for me and I always knew where I stood and how he felt”
• "Panty Droppers: 'I’m on it,' 'I’ve got it,' 'I’ll take care of it now.'"
• “My inner turmoil is more important than your needs.”
• “I was saying, ‘I need more sex or this relationship won’t be successful.’”
• “He wasn’t willing to do the hard work — the work to really look at his trauma."
• "It’s deeply masculine to seek the right counsel.”

---

Mentioned on this episode:

• DM episode 332: Have you ever gone into freeze? Here's what's actually going on

Maybe you've felt trapped -- like you just couldn't work your way out of wherever you were.

Here, four men get real about their journey going from totally stuck to in flow.

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good. If you're looking for high-quality relationship advice, we've got it.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "Women are starving for men who are doing the work."
• "I felt broken; I felt unworthy; I felt unacceptable; I felt unwanted."
• "Sex felt unrealistic and out of reach, and it also felt off-limits."
• "I lived in the regret of the past and the fear of the future (and I was never present)."
• "I felt like I wasn’t desired — I wasn’t wanted."
• "I got to the point where I just felt like I’d plateaued in therapy; it felt like we weren’t getting anywhere."
• "'Am I acting OK? Am I making them feel OK?'"
• "I had to WANT to get un-stuck."
• "I had to decide: Do you want to stay here? Or do you want to do something different?"
• "I didn’t allow myself any space of, 'What do I want?'"
• "I had a huge block with paying money for personal growth; I’d pay money for my hobbies, etc., but not that."
• "It’s unrealistic that I would know everything; having that humility and curiosity to reach out was critical."
• "I did the fuckin’ work, and I was ready to do it, and I threw down."
• "The problem wasn’t that I was unattractive; the problem was that I wasn’t embodied (and didn’t have my head up!)."
• "This is happening to me for a reason. It’s happening because I can handle it, so let’s embrace it."
• "My confidence and my ability to do life differently grew in all kinds of magical, nourishing, evolved ways."
• "Now I feel unchained — I feel liberated from the slavery of stuckness."
• "Trusting the intelligence of my body, and then moving forward from that is transformational in every aspect of life."
• "This is not where my story ends."
• "Some of your best friends are yet to be made."

---

Mentioned on this episode:

• Episode 305: GuyTalk: Overcoming religious programming

Why does this matter?

A lot of our clients come to us because they want to improve their dynamics with women. Whether they're single and dating or partnered and seeking more sex, intimacy, closeness, or harmony with their woman, there's a lot of focus on women.

So what does a man's relationship to men have to do with it? Why does it matter to know whether you trust men, if you're working on healthy relationships and sex with women?

For one, as Jason puts it: "As a man, if you have never experienced healthy masculine energy on the outside, it is almost certain you will have a hard time trusting it inside yourself, too."

And if you don't trust your own inner masculine, it will be very challenging for you to generate sexual polarity, set boundaries, or go after the things you want (including women and intimacy).

The thing is, most men don't trust men because a lot of men aren't trust-able! Millions of boys and young men are bullied, for example. Whether by a parent, sibling, or classmate, a large percentage of men experience bullying as children, teenagers, or adults.

As the medical director for the LA Department of Children and Family Services puts it, "A bully gains power in a relationship by reducing another’s, and shows little regard for the consequences to a victim’s health or well-being."

Fortunately you can reclaim your relationship to the healthy masculine, and this will directly impact you having a healthy relationship with yourself as well as women in your life.

Whether you're single looking for dating advice, married looking for relationship advice, or somewhere in between, this is a vital -- and often under-explored -- topic.

---

Quotes from this episode:

• "Many men have been the recipient of masculine dysregulation."
• "One of the big crises for men is lack of role models."
• "The patriarchy is extremely damaging to men."
• "It’s a step a lot of guys want to skip."
• "The sense is on-guard vigilance."
• "All I have to do is be here."
• "Men can become my allies."
• "Masculinity is a transmission, and without witnessing the healthy, deep versions of it is essential."
• "The power of groups is healing peer relationships."

---

Mentioned on this episode:

• DM 114: Bullying, resilience, and relationships

We've talked about claiming before on the podcast, especially with respect to building polarity. When a man is on the more passive side, it can feel lackluster and also confusing. As one woman put it, "Do you even want me?" This throws off polarity.

When he knows how to take inspired action and lead by claiming us, we want to see him more! We feel the polarity. And because of that we feel more relaxed, uplifted, and yes, you guessed it: turned on!

Here we delve more into what it means to us to feel claimed in sex, dating, and relationships -- and why we adore it.

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good. If you're looking for high-quality relationship advice, we've got it.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from the episode:

• "Claiming is NOT controlling."
• "I felt like ‘no’ was not an acceptable answer." 
• "You get the Friday 4pm text: ‘What are you up to tonight?’"
• “He came towards me with a smile.”
• “That was really great. I would love to take you to dinner sometime next week. When are you free?”
• “I want you next to me. I don’t want to sleep alone tonight.”
• “This is in service of our relationship and our love and our connection.”
• “You don’t have to carry the burden for every asshole.”
• “The experiences you want to have with women are just a claim away!”

Then he had an accident on the rugby field and broke his neck. A doctor said he would never walk again. His wife wouldn't touch him anymore. And he thought, "How the hell am I going to survive this?"

What follows is his story, which touches on everything from love, sex, and dating, to dependence, interdependence, and the power of the human spirit. As Wayne puts it, the Inner Warrior is the most important element of our lives, yet we rarely have a strong relationship with it.

What does it mean to be a modern warrior? How to we re-envision manhood, masculinity, and power? I believe the answers lie in discussions like these.

---

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good. If you're looking for high-quality relationship advice, we've got it.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• “I put myself in danger to prove that I was enough (or good enough).”
• “Having to rely on everybody … was quite an extreme moment.”
• “We’ve got a deeper intelligence that’s connected to everything.”
• “It’s funny how you make a decision and the universe puts the right people in front of you.”
• “She started throwing mud at me in the yard and I thought, ‘Ahhh, I’ve got her!’”
• “Be curious and question every belief you have.”
• "It takes a load off!"

---

Mentioned on this episode:

• Wayne's site, and to book a call: https://www.wayneforrest.com/your-inner-warrior-strategy-call

Many men we work with were trained to take care of everyone else before themselves. They often feel burnt out, and like they don't get nearly as much back as they give.

If you've ever felt like you've tried everything you can to make your woman happy, but this only results in both of you being miserable ... you might be able to relate.

Or perhaps you've lived some version of, "No matter how hard I try to please her -- how much I do -- it's never enough."

Here, we talk about why this is. If he's bending over backwards to do what he thinks she wants, why doesn't it work?

The answer lies in part with polarity, in part with childhood trauma (because of course), and in part with the fallacies of being a lone wolf.

Related questions we cover:

• What does it mean to be a provider in modern times? (Hint: It's got nothing to do with money)
• How does this pattern impact sexual polarity?
• If it's not about sacrifice, then what does it actually mean to be a good husband?

---

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good. If you're looking for high-quality relationship advice, we've got it.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• “If we’re used to taking care of everyone else, we’ll often attract someone who needs to be taken care of.”
• “The trouble with ‘please and appease’ is that it leads to deep resentments.”
• “We have this fantasy that if she were happy, she'd naturally give me what I need, whether sexual connection, support, time, etc.”
• “When we feel a partner not respecting themselves, it causes contempt or disdain.”
• “What it means to be a provider is changing.”
• “The most valuable status is connection to community.”
• “Our relationships should be a source of wellness.”

---

Mentioned on this episode:

• Dear Men 196: Were you a child of emotional neglect?
• Dear Men 345: The 4 male "types" who partner with Borderline women (Borderline Personality Disorder)
• Dear Men 292: Sex life with your wife not where you want it to be? This could be the culprit

Here, we talk to a therapist whose clientele is largely comprised of those contending with BPD. What's it like to be a therapist who works with clients with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)? What are some of the big challenges and greatest rewards?

"Can BPD be treated?" "Is it possible to recover from BPD?" "How does therapy work when it comes to BPD?" are a few common questions -- all of which we address.

---

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good. If you're looking for high-quality relationship advice, we've got it.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "Then I will see the ‘flip’ take place."
• "There can be this, ‘How dare you?’ response — or, ‘Are you saying I’m bad?’"
• "Ideally I’m asking people to talk about it instead of acting it out."
• "The treatment takes place in the relational field between us (client and practitioner)."
• "I’m inviting people to communicate instead of act out their hurt or distress."
• "The core feature is the fear of abandonment … being left or rejected."
• "There can be chronic feelings of emptiness that people describe (which can be related to a lack of sense of self)."
• "Partners will often talk about the intense anger outbursts."
• "The hallmark defense mechanism is splitting, which is seeing people or situations as all good or all bad."
• "No one is there for me and no one will ever be there for me. Everyone lets me down. I desperately want to be taken care of, but I can’t trust anyone to take care of me."
• "Over and over again, there is going to be rupture and repair, which is the experience that this person did not have early on."

---

Mentioned on this episode:

• Setareh Vatan's Psychology Today profile
• RBeyond Borderline: True Stories of Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder Paperback – edited by Gunderson & Hoffman
• Get Me Out of Here: My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder – by Rachel Reiland

Here, four of us women discuss a specific skill that men have shown that has us feel taken care of and turned on. It boosts polarity like crazy, and it's relevant whether or not you're dating casually or you're in a committed, long-term relationship.

What's extra intriguing is that while this is a relatively easy skill to master, it's not one that a lot of men know about. (We can guarantee that because it's pretty rare in the dating world!)

If you want to be able to lead women in such a way that has them feel special, lit up, and excited to see you ... listen on.

Bonus? When a woman feels safe and turned on, she's far more likely to fall in love.

---

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good. If you're looking for high-quality relationship advice, we've got it.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

The truth is, we all have points in our lives when we feel overwhelmed. This can also show up in the, "Here I am again… I’m in the SAME SPOT. I always circle back to this.'"

If you're single, perhaps it's: "Nothing's working in dating." If you're partnered, it could be: "I'm trying and trying, but nothing’s working to get us reconnected."

Or as Jason says, "In my relationship, it would be anytime that I would get activated into feeling like I’m not enough."

Here we go into what's happening on a physiological level when this part is showing up for you -- the two poles. These are dorsal shutdown — disassociation/sleepy/collapsed/yawning; and sympathetic overdrive — hyper/activated/manic/wired/anger.

We talk about how to recognize these states, and what to do it when you do. Hint: "Connection and movement are two of the most important things. And sometimes to shift our mindset, we have to shift our body first."

---

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "Our whole system just shuts down, and we’re frozen or disassociated."
• “What’s the point of trying? What’s the point of getting angry? What’s the point of connecting with someone online? It’s not going to change.”
• "It’s a deep place of suffering when we don’t feel like we have agency over our own life."
• "Rumination — our mind is racing but our body isn’t moving."
• "The optimal place is in the middle: We’re engaged, and we’re relaxed."
• "One of the ways we get back to that relaxed state is through social connection."
• "One breath, one step."
• “If we can be with it, we can be free from it.”

---

Mentioned on this episode:

• Dear Men 196: Were you a child of emotional neglect?

The truth is, it is a deep human need to be nurtured in relationship. It's neither masculine nor feminine, and we need to expand our awareness of and perception of love, relationship, and what it means to be taken care of, whether we're dating or in a committed long-term relationship.

Men need to feel safe, desired, and received just as much as women do. The shape that takes might differ, but the underlying need remains the same.

Here we delve into the wonderful world of feeling nurtured. I share personal stories from men in our community of moments when they've felt deeply nurtured by their women partners, as well as what nurturing means to them.

In love and even in sex, some of the most memorable moments are not those in which we feel red-hot desire, but when we feel the sweetness of connection.

This is part two of a two-part series on nurturing. For those who want to listen to both, the first is episode 343.

---

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good. If you're looking for high-quality relationship advice, we've go tit.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "I feel nurtured when I am told I am fully seen, trusted, and loved for all that I am as I am."
• "The bravery to feel worthy."
• "We relate to men through roughness, and women through sex."
• "You can’t meet me where I’m at if you don’t see me."
• "The patriarchy says: 'I’ve got to do it by myself and without complaining and tough it out no matter what.'"
• "We have to take the mask off for somebody."

So says Jason on his experience of sex, love, and closeness in his 20s. (Fortunately, after engaging in personal growth, including men's work, he's now married to a radiant goddess!)

If you've ever struggled with your relationship to porn -- and if that has also impacted your relationship to sex and sexuality, you're far from alone. Countless clients of ours start out with a challenging dynamic with porn, and here's the truth: Porn use isn't really about porn. Weed use isn't really about weed, either.

When it comes to using weed, porn & masturbation, and other substances like alcohol, as Luke puts it, "It’s almost always covering up deeper material that men do not know how to handle."

The good news? There are lots of ways to handle that material, safe spaces within which to process it, and a TON of energy, vitality, and joy on the other side.

Remember: Personal growth works, so work it.

---

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• “When I watch porn, I have the freedom to experience pleasure and the freedom to not experience rejection.”
• “Gimme the weed again because I don’t want to feel the Shame Guy!”
• “We all do things to avoid feeling the thing that we don’t want to feel.”
• “Emotion starts as sensation in the body.”
• “Most of what ails you can be significantly soothed by connection.”

Altered states have been used since time immemorial to help us on our healing paths, and can be particularly helpful in trauma healing. And while plant medicine (ayahuasca, psilocybin (magic mushrooms), MDMA, psychedelics like wachuma/peyote) can be a strong ally, it also has certain drawbacks and limitations.

Fortunately there's another way to get into altered states that requires no substances: Breathwork.

Here we outline the differences between plant medicine and breathwork. We also discuss how breathwork can help folks heal from attachment wounding (anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, or disorganized attachment, which is a mix of both).

And we talk about the bodymind's inherent knowledge of how to heal. Breathwork can help us unlock our own deeper wisdom.

---

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "The next stage of evolution is self-inquiry."
• "Consciousness expands in such a way that says, ‘I need help.'"
• "I have this deep desire to expand."
• "Beneath that knot of unworthiness is ultimate consciousness."
• "The core intention is to open the heart, and to heal."

---

Mentioned on this episode:

• Book: Conscious Breathing: How Shamanic Breathwork Can Transform Your Life by Joy Manné
• Breathwork Breakthrough (advanced course led by me and Luke, starting mid-March. Email dearmenpodcast@gmail.com for more info)

• "I wish you weren’t so busy with the kids."
• "You never dress up for me anymore."
• "I wish you'd flirt with me more."
• "You hide yourself from me; I never really see your body anymore."
• "I wish we had more sex."

---

What's driving this, and how does a couple navigate it skillfully? A lot of men yearn for more sexual connection with their partner -- but it's not just about the sex. And the way a lot of men go about talking about this with their woman partner ends up being triggering for the woman.

Here we discuss what we've witnessed in terms of men's deep desire for not just sex, but their partner's enthusiastic participation. And we dive right into what's even underneath that: The ache to feel her feminine essence.

This is about more than just incorporating sex toys or trying out a new position. This is about the depth and power and range of the open feminine. Get ready for a hell of a ride!

Memorable quotes from this episode

• “I wasn’t open and didn’t know how to open.”
• “To the men, it’s like a vitamin.”
• “It’s the sense of aliveness as it changes moment to moment.”
• “A lot of times what women are hearing is, ‘I’m not enough.’”
• “I want to feel lust for life! I want to feel playful and lighthearted and irreverent.”
• “The essence of the feminine is desire and emotion.”
• “When women are in their full range, the relationship accelerates.”
• “I want you to enjoy it; I want you feel your pleasure and your desire, and I know that’s in you.”

---

Mentioned on this episode:

• Please Her In Bed: A Course for Men, Designed by Women (www.pleaseherinbed.com)
• ROSE Code by Violet Lange: www.violetlange.com/rosecode

The fact is, we need all the support we can get. We need it from our fellow humans, and we need it from something greater.

The word "God" can be very triggering -- for those who experienced religious trauma growing up (which, let's face it, is literally billions of people), it can be a dirty word.

Yet the concept of Life -- aka Divine Intelligence, the Field, Spirit, etc. -- can be extraordinarily transformative when it comes to our everyday lives, and how we experience love itself.

What is your relationship to Life, nature, the interconnected web? Do you feel held by something greater? How does this relate to your experience with sex, dating, and relationships? And what's really behind our patterns and how to we grow beyond them?

---

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "I thought I was deeply ugly, and stupid."
• "In the opening, something is allowed to arise through."
• "Something more important than my pain took centerstage."
• "You don’t have to ‘do’ the miracle; you just have to be open to the miracle."
• "Let nature move in between the relationship."
• "Make way for the mystery."

---

Mentioned on this episode:

• Book: Outrageous Openness by Tosha Silver
• Dear Men 305: GuyTalk: Overcoming Religious Trauma

Most dating and relationship advice doesn't include the concept of polarity and the three stages of relationship, but it can be nothing less than magical when worked with properly.

According to polarity work (originated primarily by David Deida), there are two primary forces in dating, relationships and sex: alpha energy (what we sometimes refer to as masculine) and omega energy (aka feminine energy).

The vast majority of omega partners have a deep longing to surrender to a trustable partner. They want to be able to be fully expressed and be met.

Yet in many cases, they feel like they're too much. Their emotions are too much; they're too fiery; they feel like they'll never be able to fully express themselves with a partner.

The lesser-known part of polarity work involves the three stages. As we grow in relationships, we have the capacity to graduate from stage 1 (rigid roles, often dictated by society), to stage 2 (we rely on talking to resolve tension), to stage three — which brings us to this episode. 

In polarized stage three relationships we bring in creativity, embodiment, and edgy play. We use breath, sound, and movement to move through tension or discomfort between us. Stage three is exciting, risky, and powerful. And as Jason puts it, "it tends to *wake us up* as men."

If you want to lead your woman into depths of safety, red-hot sex, and surrender in ways neither of you has perhaps ever experienced ways — if you want to help her feel even more of her heart, her spirit, and her sex, listen on.

Note: Credit to David Deida’s work on the stages of relationship and polarity. 

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "Through your direction, you can invite expression."
• "In stage two we just want it to end. In stage three it’s like, 'Bring it all. Let’s ride this wave.'"
• "You don’t have to do nearly as much as you think."
• "Tell me that again, but like a hippo."

If so, she may have had Borderline Personality Disorder ... or at least traits of it.

More people are diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) than schizophrenia and bipolar combined, yet few are familiar with it. Some mental health professionals estimate that a whopping 10% of the population contends with BPD, which psychologists are working to get renamed Emotional Regulation Disorder.

Here, we break down the 4 archetypes of Borderline women, and their male counterparts. Much of this is gleaned from Christine Lawson's book Understanding the Borderline Mother.

We also go over the ways each of the male archetypes can heal from the intense and unstable, exhausting, and often depleting relationship dynamics involved.

Remember: growth and healing are always possible, and nothing is set in stone. Personal growth works, so work it.

---

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Mentioned on this episode:

• Dear Men episode 128: Feel like you’re walking on eggshells? Recognizing Borderline Personality Disorder
• Dear Men episode 313: GuyTalk: Life after being with a BPD partner (Borderline Personality Disorder)
• Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder (book)
• Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship (book)
• Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents (book)
• Subreddit for BPD Loved Ones

---

Want to support wildfire survivors in the LA area?

Go here. They list the families in the most dire need at the top. The long URL is:

https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1pK5omSsD4KGhjEHCVgcVw-rd4FZP9haoijEx1mSAm5c/htmlview

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "'Children are the first to recognize and the last to admit that something is wrong with their mother.'" (from Understanding the Borderline Mother)
• "My wife is the fortress and I’m here to protect that."
• "There’s a theme of icing people out."
• "I’m willing to leave the relationship if you/we don’t get help."
• "You CAN change your patterns of attraction."

Sex, dating, and relationships can be confusing territory, and there are a lot of dos and don'ts when it comes to dating in the modern world. This is especially true in a post-#MeToo culture, where a lot of men have deep-seated concerns around coming off as creepy.

If you've ever wondered whether it's "right" to text her right away (will you come off as thirsty if you text too soon?), whether you need to hide your nervousness (hint: you don't), or how to ask her out respectfully, listen on.

If you're looking for pickup artist nonsense, you won't get it here. But if you're seeking attuned, loving dating advice for men from people who deeply care about men, women, and all human beings -- and staying openhearted -- then you're in the right spot.

---

Mentioned on this episode:

• Dear Men 138: GirlTalk: When to text her vs. call her!
• Dear Men 274: How do you make sure you're not coming across as creepy?
• Dear Men 296: What does it actually mean to step into your power?
• Dear Men 332: Ever gone into freeze? Here’s what’s actually going on

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "I don’t want to ever make anyone else feel uncomfortable, so I want them to initiate and drive."
• "There’s a belief that I need to hide my attraction or first establish a friendly relationship."
• "It’s another type of pressure men carry about a certain way they have to be in order to be seen as worthy."
• "Seven years into your marriage you’re still going to have to share something that’s scary."

Why don't they? Because a lot of women (myself included) hold a certain amount of shame around wanting it in the first place.

And what is the quality? It's an aspect of healthy masculinity that we don't often discuss, but we're putting front and center here.

I've also noticed that in every chick lit novel I've ever read (a version of romance), men exhibit this quality, and the women melt for it. When I myself read the books and these parts come up, my whole body relaxes.

This is a quality that builds immense emotional safety in a relationship, whether you're still in the dating phase or you're married. If you want to be her hero and have her feel truly safe with you, listen on!

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "The women I was first attracted to were those I perceived as needing help, support, a savior."
• "The excess of the caregiver archetype is the martyr."
• "It’s about making the other person’s life just a little bit easier."
• "We don’t ask for it because we feel like we’re too much."
• "True nurturing is laying the groundwork around you — letting you grow in the fullness of yourself."

---

Mentioned on this episode:

• One of our favorite songs: Banks by NEEDTOBREATHE
• Scott's organization, The Inspiring Men Project
• Dear Men episode 128: Feel like you're walking on eggshells? Recognizing Borderline Personality Disorder

You're not alone!

And there's a high cost; this can be exhausting for you. Whether you're just dating or married, if you're at the mercy of her feelings, you likely feel out of control. You're only OK if she's OK. And you're not OK if she's not OK.

The truth is, holding space for a woman’s upset or hurt is one of the most profound ways you can love her. It also builds safety in a relationship in a way nothing else can.

Learn to do this skillfully, and you will experience true freedom in relationship. Bonus? You knowing how to hold her full range of expression will als leads to very hot sex. ;) When she feels deeply accepted and held, even in her "big" feelings, she will often open to you like a gorgeous, radiant flower.

It might not happen right away; you might get through the honeymoon period or even get married and it might be fine. But little by little, if this skill isn't developed and you as a couple can't "get there," you're very likely to end up in a sexless relationship, or a volatile one that you feel like you can't get out of.

Here we get vulnerable about what we've seen not work in this area, and what we've seen be uplifting and helpful.

---

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

Here, we discuss the top 3 things we've seen Nice Guys do to get to get what they want -- and how to transform in ways that are lasting. We discuss patterns that lead to breakthroughs, and celebrate the wins of men who've experienced them.

Remember: Even when things feel hopeless or stuck, someone has come before you. You are not alone, and personal growth work works. Keep the faith. We are with you.

---

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• “She likes me for emotional support, but she’s not attracted to me.”
• “Now I don’t have to hold that, ‘What if?’”
• “You don’t have to get stuck in the purgatory that a lot of Nice Guys are in.”
• “He really just owned it.”
• “This frozen place starts to thaw out and they just start moving.”

In one man's words, "I used to be the classic male 'fixer' and thought I would be the one to save the day by giving out suggestions of how she could overcome her anxiety. Surely one of those would work. The more suggestions or solutions to her issues I could come up, the better job I thought I was doing. After several years of this seemingly not working to soothe her anxiety, and sometimes making it worse, I have learned she is not looking for this."

So what is she looking for? Here, we share our personal experiences around anxiety and effective soothing. We break it down into two categories of anxiety: when we're upset or challenged by something in life (work, family, friendships, etc.), and when we're upset about something in the relationship itself.

If you've ever had a partner who fears she's too much, who looks to you for reassurance, or to whom you've wanted to provide deep, reliable, calming care and safety, you'll appreciate this one. Bonus? When you learn to soothe her well, you become even sexier to her.

---

Quotes from this episode:

• "'Are you looking for solutions or comfort?'"
• "Sometimes not saying anything at all but just being able to listen is all she needs to be soothed."
• "I also assure her that I'm here for all of it, especially when she seems nervous that her emotions are 'too much.'"
• "Validate my reasoning; even if it’s not rational to you, it’s logical to ME."
• "Our relationship has soared to new heights after learning how to properly soothe my woman."

The truth is, it's painful when sex hurts -- for both people. Not just for the person experiencing it, but for their partner.

How do you handle it if she has pain during sex, whether you're just starting out in dating or you're in a committed relationship? And how do you handle your own emotional pain or guilt around still having sexual needs?

If you've ever been with a woman who was sleeping with you because she felt she "should," you know the pain of which I speak. Perhaps you were married and you sensed that she saw it as her wifely duty to keep you sexually satisfied. But that's not what you wanted -- you wanted her to be an enthusiastic participant in sex, not a passive recipient who was only doing it to please you.

Here, Z describes the ways she was actually quite sexually closed as a newlywed, despite having sex with her partner. She talks about the shifts she and her husband went through once they got married ... and how (lack of) sex played a big role in why they got divorced.

There are also deeper layers underlying this issue, and we delve into them. And spoiler alert -- the good news is that this story has a happy ending. Healing is always possible, and Z has experienced it. Sex is now pleasurable for her, and she's far more sexually open than before.

Remember: Personal growth works, so work it.

---

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

Testing (also known as "feminine testing" -- or sometimes a term I personally dislike -- "shit testing" -- can be a confusing and frustrating experience to be on the receiving end of. Testing can happen in the early phases of dating, as well as once you're in a long-term committed relationship.

As is true with many things in sex, dating, and relationships, there are nuances here that make this complex. Many women aren't even consciously aware of their tests. For others, testing is about seeking some kind of control; or a trauma background means they're very invested in ensuring that they know the truth, and testing is how they believe they're sure to get it.

Here we share our own personal experiences of testing -- how we define it, why we did/do it, what it sounded like, and the vulnerabilities underneath. We also discuss how the ways a man responds to tests can potentially lead to more connection, respect, and, ultimately, love.

As one member of GirlTalk put it, "At the core level it's, 'Do you love me?'"

---

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "For me, knowing the truth has me feel safe."
• "How hard is he trying to see me and get to know me better?"
• "It’s OK that you’re angry with me right now."
• "Will you fight for me to stay?"
• "Are you going to create space for me to talk about my feelings?" 
• "I really want to hear what you have to share. It’s important to me."

This pattern can be confusing until you understand the deeper reasons for it. And it's quite a common in dating and relationships, though we don't often discuss it explicitly. Related to polarity, the way Jason puts it is that "the poke is a call for presence and deeper feeling."

It's not always the most mature or conscious way of relating. And the truth is, we as human beings don't always act in the most mature fashion. But if we can grasp the underlying vulnerabilities that drive us, then we often hit on wells of compassion that help us deepen and relax into love in ways we couldn't before.

Remember: Personal growth works. It's not a straight line, but it's always worth it.

---

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "I need to pause you right there."
• "It’s meant to evoke, 'Where are you?’ And ‘I’m having a hard time trusting your right now.'"
• "This ties into a common masculine feeling of, 'I’m not enough.'"
• "Sometimes there’s a sense of, 'Oh, yeah, caught red-handed. I actually wasn’t here.'"
• "Acting out is another kind of poke."

You might be right. Whether you're online dating, speed dating, or meeting someone in real life, a lot of women do have a list, and it can be confusing or even frustrating when you interface with it.

Here, we discuss the nuances of "the list" -- the why behind it, how to engage with it, and the tension between the need to be open/flexible, and the need to stick with personal boundaries.

If you have your own list, you’ll likely also relate to this. And you may also relate to the feeling of wanting things to be neat and tidy — to be fully prepared for relationship and have your partner match up with all your expectations.

To which I’d share Violet's words: “Would I rather be alone for the next decade, or would I rather have the experience of loving and being loved, and have it be messy?"

---

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• “He has a nice resume; I thought he’d be a good guy.”
• “My desires and yearnings are holy and I want them to be fulfilled.”
• “When we cut off our heart in dating, we’re missing a rich human experience.”
• “You never know what’s going to delight and surprise you.”
• “If you want emotional safety, you have to be vulnerable.”

Having needs is a universal experiences. Humans, animals, plants, and every living thing has certain needs. Human beings need food, water, and sleep on a biological level -- and we also need love, respect, and a sense of belonging.

If we don't have these needs met, then we have reactions.

In a love relationship, it can feel difficult or even overwhelming to advocate for certain needs to be met -- for example, physical affection, quality one-on-one attention, or sex. Neediness nearly always stems from old wounds, so it can be hard to bring this kind of thing forward with a partner.

The truth is, we're all needy. We all have certain needs, and our partner is not responsible for meeting all of them all of the time. But there's a balance to be had, which involves navigating difference and being willing to hang in there through discomfort.

Here, we explore the themes around sex, dating, relationships, needs, desires, and the nervous system.

—

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "Now it’s about advocating clearly for what I need."
• "There’s a place in relationships for healthy generosity."
• "What would I need to be a ‘yes’ to this?"
• "It this doesn’t shift, I’m going to take a certain action for myself."
• "It can feel like, ‘If it’s not here, I’m doomed.'"

Over 10% of men are addicted to porn, according to a 2019 study in the Journal of Behavioral Addictions. (As of 2024, I suspect that number is even higher.) Porn has also been linked to to erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, and delayed ejaculation in some cases.

Here, we talk about why porn addiction has become so prevalent, and help to answer the questions: How do you know if you're addicted to porn, and how do you quit (if you want to)?

Jason also delves into his own personal experience with porn addiction, how he overcame it, and what life and sexuality is like now (including with his partner).

---

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

When we're overwhelmed, we can lock up. This is inconvenient if what you really want to do in that moment is to move, get someone's number, or speak up for yourself during a moment of tension with your spouse or in a meeting at work.

Where does this behavior come from? Why did it develop? What do we do about it that actually works?

Here, somatic practitioner and expert Stacy Matulis breaks down what's actually going on in your nervous system when you freeze, and what to do about it. (Hint: No one is an island, and we need others. We are interdependent.)

We also cover the difference between freeze and disassociation, depression and suicidality, and why it can feel like even after years of doing the work, you're still stuck in some ways.

Going into a freeze state will absolutely impact your sex, dating and relationship life. Fortunately, there's a way through.

---

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Mentioned on this episode:

• DM 196: The “invisible” relationship pattern that can affect everything (childhood neglect)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• “I felt neutered as a human.”
• “When we grew up without safe others, we can learn that there are no safe others.”
• “What would bring me into a life that I wanted to live?”
• “Attunement is just as much an essential need as food and shelter is.”
• “Your feelings and needs are all right with me.”
• “A traumatized brain is programmed to look for the problem, and stay focused on the difficult energy.”
• “Who I am makes love go away.”

How about why they do growth work — and what it looks like for them?

Here, I take you behind the curtain to give you a peek at exactly that. This is an amalgam episode with responses from over over ten women who answered three questions:

1. What’s the biggest thing you learned in your last relationship?
2. What’s a memorable time a man showed up for you or honored you in some way?
3. Why do you do growth work and what does that look like for you?

---

When it comes to love, sex, relationships, and personal growth work, one thing is always true: more compassion is always better. So here’s to increased understanding, empathy, and joy — and of course, more healing. 

---

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

But it’s not easy to talk about this with anyone, so here we’re laying it bare. Four of us ladies share openly about what really works for us in oral sex -- what we desire, long for, and what holds us back in terms of receiving deep pleasure.

Whether you're married and wanting to know how to excel at cunnilingus on your wife, or you’re dating and want to how to go down on a woman such that she craves seeing you again, it’s all here.

—

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

Ever found yourself doing anything to calm her down -- because your sense of being OK was contingent upon her feeling OK? (We find this common in the men with whom we work.

Here, we talk about how to stay grounded even when she's going through it. We outline how to know what's actually going on for you in those moments, how to "interrupt" the sense of compulsion around fixing it, and what a deep offering it is to maintain your own, separate nervous system instead of merging with hers.

As Jason says, now that he has become more skilled in this area, “I can be connected to her without being swallowed up by what’s going on for her.”

Whether it's in sex, dating, or a committed relationship, you will be more stable, reliable, and frankly sexy partner when you learn to master this.

---

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• “When she would get dysregulated, I would get dysregulated."
• “Avoiding conflict often tends to create more conflict.”
•  “If my partner isn’t feeling well, it feels like it’s my fault.”
•  “Oh wow, her nervous system is not my nervous system.”
•  “I’m here with it, whatever it is — and I’m being impacted.”
• “It’s OK to be messy and imperfect.”

If you've ever experienced something dark, difficult, or deeply challenging in your love relationship, *and didn't feel like you could talk about it with others,* you'll relate to this episode.

Few topics bring up wounds as deep as betrayal. Whether you've experienced a partner cheating (physically or emotionally), abuse of some kind, or some other kind of damaging withholding or acting out in a relationship, you're familiar with the deep feeling of aloneness that often comes with that experience.

Or as my guest this week put it, it can feel like "we’re fighting this war in our own little intimate relationship."

How do you rebuild trust when you've betrayed an intimate partner? If you're the betrayed, how do you overcome the PTSD that you've developed in response to this? Here, we delve into all of that and more -- and celebrate what's possible on the other side. The depth of healing and restoration that my guest and her husband have attained is truly remarkable.

The fact is, isolation is when all the bad stuff happens. When we're isolated, we're often judging ourselves (as well as our partners). We can feel hopeless, despairing, or trapped.

I put out this podcast in large part to combat isolation, and bring us together. To know in our bones that we are not alone -- that our story is echoed in the stories of others, and vice versa.

Healing is always possible. You are not alone.

--- 

Mentioned on this episode:

• SAlifeline.org

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• “Addiction lives in silence and isolation.”
• “I didn’t know if I would ever be able to forgive him fully.”
• “He was moving at his pace.”
• “All of a sudden I no longer felt batsh*t crazy.”
• “He loved me the very best that he could.”
• “I did base a lot of my OK-ness on how he felt.”
• “I never knew that marriage could be so fun!”

Many of the biggest breakthroughs we've witnessed in clients have come when they've headed directly into shame, been witnessed with compassion, and come out the other side.

It is almost inevitable that releasing shame builds power, which is often electrifyingly transformative. Shame around sex, relationship, love, need, weakness, neediness, and desire is normal. It's human. But it doesn't have to be paralyzing; in fact, it can be catalyzing.

Here, Jason and Luke share personal stories of shame, and we outline the process of transforming shame into power. Learn about the Heart of Shadow men's group and retreat at heartofshadow.com - use coupon "dearmen" when you register!

---

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• “If we don’t feel strong or powerful or directive in our lives, we will feel the tinge of shame.”
• “I was terrified to be asked to do something that I didn’t know how to do.”
• “What wants to be said to your ex-wife? What’s incomplete there?”
• “Whatever you’re not feeling is where all your vitality is stuck.”
• “I got to feel a boyish curiosity come back!”

---

Mentioned on this episode:

• DM 305 GuyTalk: Overcoming religious trauma

Here, several men in our community share their unvarnished truth with their own voices. They forthrightly and vulnerably answer 3 questions:

• What's a major lesson you learned in your last relationship?
• What's a sexual challenge you've had and how have you addressed it?
• Why do you choose to do consciousness work?

I believe you'll find the raw truth from other men on the path to be illuminating, inviting, and reassuring all at the same time. I couldn't be prouder of these men, and all of you men who are out there learning, transforming, and growing.

---

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

Ever longed for more from your wife/girlfriend/partner when it comes to sexuality -- and not just "from her" but with her? Ever wished she had more fun when it came to sex, that she enjoyed it more, was more expressed and into it?

Many of our clients feel a yearning to connect more with their woman, but aren't even sure how to bring it up. Talking about sex is sensitive, and even more so if sexual trauma is part of the picture. And masturbation can be even harder to discuss, especially in partnership.

Here, we talk all things sexual opening and awakening when it comes to the feminine. We draw from our own personal journeys as well as countless stories from other women who've learned how to connect to their own erotic essence (separate from a partner), and the myriad benefits associated with that. We cover the many health benefits of masturbation, yoni eggs, cervical wands, breast massage, G-spot de-armoring and more.

To close this out, I'm gonna drop some slang terms for women getting themselves off, because they're all kinds of fab:

• Ménage à moi
• Auditioning the finger puppets
• Womansplaining yourself
• Fanning the fur
• Checking the undercarriage
• Buttering your muffin
• Diddling Miss Daisy
• and my personal favorite ... Paddling the pink canoe

---

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Mentioned on this episode:

• Dear Men 153: Her sexual healing: How to support her *and* get your needs met (ft. Violet Lange)
• Dear Men 191: Supporting a woman in her sexual pleasure & healing (ft. Violet Lange & Keri Nola) -- the one about jade eggs
• Jaiya's erotic blueprints
• Please Her In Bed (my streaming course for men who have sex with women)
• Evolutionary Couples (Violet & Jason's new course for couples)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• “I’m in a relationship, I’m finally happy! Why don’t I want to have sex with my partner?!”
• “I hear this from moms all the time: sex is not a priority for me.”
• “Even if your libido feels like it’s dormant, you can still work with responsive desire.”
• “I really miss the closeness I feel with your body … I long for you.”
• “Let’s swim in the sea of erotic energy.”

Perhaps you've felt some version of, "I can’t handle that anger right now so I need to remove that anger from her." Or if your partner is upset with you, you've expressed something like, "You don’t need to feel that way because here was my *intention* in doing that."

Dating, sex, and relationships can feel like a huge mystery. Hell, women and feelings themselves can feel like a huge mystery! But there are certain principles that hold true, and grasping the nuances of polarity can help you navigate everything with more grace and clarity.

Here, I share personal stories of feeling opened by a man (as well as times I've felt closed by one), and we outline what it takes to become the man who can open an available woman.

—

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "Instead of acknowledging what she was feeling and getting curious, it triggered my wounding around not being enough as a man, so I would try to explain to her why she was wrong."
• "Can I allow the person who hurt me to then be the person to hold me?"
• "The deeper trust we form is, 'Oh, we can do this. We can move through conflict.'"
• "This is one of the greatest gifts we can bring to another human being."

Sometimes in life we get stuck. We don't know how to deal with big feelings, so we self-medicate -- with alcohol, or porn, or weed, or food.

But often the self-medication gets in the way of things we really want -- love; intimacy; healthy, connected sex; joy.

You may think of 12-step programs as solely for alcoholics, but they're far mroe comprehensive. There are programs for porn addiction, codependency in relationship, sex & love addiction, and for those who are loved ones of an addict (or adult children of parents who were addicts).*

Addiction and recovery profoundly affect your sex and love life, and here, speaker and 12-step mentor Mark Wilde delves into his own story, and how his journey has positively impacted his marriage.

In his words, as he grew and healed and learned to lead: "When I became more vulnerable and expressive, I had reciprocation and energy from her that I’d not experienced before ... our relationship began to ascend dramatically."

If you want to feel inspired and uplifted, listen on.

*These groups are: Codependents Anonymous (CODA), Porn Addicts Anonymous (PAA), Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA), Al-Anon (for the loved ones of those who struggle with addiction).

---

Evolutionary Men Retreat

Ready to do the work live? Join us in Northern California for an epic time connecting with nature, making friends, and healing your bodymind. This sold out last year and the year before. As of this episode dropping, we've got 1 slot left.

Labor Day weekend (last weekend of August), 2024.

• To sign up or learn more, go here.

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "My parents passed away, my marriage ended, and it got bad."
• "Alcohol became a solution to deep-seated issues that had carried on since childhood."
• “I still felt myself wearing lots of masks and building up lots of walls.”
• “How am I going to placate and keep the peace and make her happy?"
• “When I did work with my body, I felt the unlocking of everything.”

---

Mentioned on this episode:

• What Happened to You?

So how do you polarize your woman well? Polarity is one of those mysteries in life like electricity: We don't fully grasp why it works, but we can harness its power to make our lives better.

I love polarity work because it can make a concrete difference in sex, love, dating, and relationships. I've seen countless clients ditch old dating advice, learn about this, and then say, "Wow, this polarity thing really works on a date." Or, "Man, I wish I'd known about polarity sooner ... my marriage might have gone differently."

The fact is, no one teaches us about dating and sexuality and HOW to connect well. Most men don't learn how to flirt with girls, how to polarize a partner, or even what polarity is. Yet it's a fundamental relationship dynamic that can help with everything.

Here we lay out five practical ways to polarize a woman partner into her feminine, helping her to drop into her heart and soften. If you've ever wondered why certain evenings with your wife or girlfriend were magical, while others felt like pulling teeth, this may help.

And if you're a man who has sex with women and you want to help your woman soften, receive more of your love, and relax into even deeper levels of trust, this one is for you.

Quick note: We talk about this on the podcast and wanted to include it here: If you suspect your partner may have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) (i.e. nothing you do ever seems to make a difference with her), polarity work won't cut it.

You may also want to listen to our episode on that subject: 128: Feel like you're walking on eggshells? Recognizing Borderline Personality Disorder.

---

Ever felt like you shouldn't go deeper emotionally with a woman you were dating because you weren't sure you wanted to put a ring on it?

Does it ever feel like all women want a long-term, committed relationship, so if you're not available for that, you're somehow doing something wrong?

The fact is, sex, dating and relationships are complex. There are a lot of possibilities, and the best kind of relationships are the ones that feel good to both parties.

Here, we explore how to date ethically, share what you're available for, and how to be aware of what's underneath your fear of upsetting a woman. We also outline the immense value of short- and medium-term relationships, and what some women really want when it comes to those.

---

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• “There are a LOT of men who have so much care and concern, it causes them to not fully engage.”
• “I’m here for this; let’s see what’s here.”
• “You cannot be in relationship with someone and never hurt them.”
• “A successful relationship doesn’t always mean life partnership.”
• “Experience is always more valuable than theory.”

Where do you go to move through stuck parts of yourself that are holding you back? How do you get things moving and release blocks so you can finally get what you want in sex, dating, and relationships?

Jason was a self-proclaimed late bloomer Nice Guy with developmental trauma — he had sex for the first time at 26, and still had a lot to learn around dating. Plus, he was often numb and felt like life was sort of happening to him. He wanted more, but didn't know how to get there.

Then he went to a men’s work workshop where a mentor took just twenty minutes to get him to a place he hadn’t touched in 3 full years of talk therapy.

It was transformational.

(And now he’s married to a beautiful, self-aware, radiant woman with whom he has a thriving relationship.)

Here’s the story of how he got there — and how you can, too

Evolutionary Men Retreat

Ready to do the work live? Join us in Northern California for an epic time connecting with nature, making friends, and healing your bodymind. This sold out last year and the year before. As of this episode dropping, we've got 5 slots left.

Labor Day weekend (last weekend of August), 2024.

• To sign up or learn more, go here.

Reality check: It is not normal to be constantly on guard or anxious in your relationship. That kind of chronic anxiety is highly dysregulating -- and yet it's the "norm" for many of the men with whom we work. Whether they're in sexless marriages, struggle with overwhelming anxiety in dating, or yearn for more closeness with their partners, they're suffering. Are you?

Here we discuss the difference between an unhealthy and healthy love relationship. A healthy love relationship is one in which the relationship GIVES you evergy, rather than draining it from you. Or as we put it, “It’s not a healthy relationship if it requires you to abandon yourself over and over.”

And: “Our relationship should co-regulate us, not dysregulate us.”

---

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• “There’s a sense, if I don’t keep making my partner OK, they won’t make it.”
• “We definitely see the toxic loyalty play out with Nice Guys.”
• “I’ve got to pay attention to survive here.”
• “Being with you in our dynamic is actually causing me self-harm. I’m hurting myself just being in relationship with you.”
• “Most importantly, I feel safe with you.”
• “Your relationship becomes a generator!”

---

Other episodes related to this one:

• Episode 106: What does it mean to 'do the work'?
• Episode 196: Are you a child of neglect?

Why is sexual role-play so intriguing? Is it different from kink/BDSM? How do you bring it up in a fun and respectful way with a partner? What are your hesitations, and what might your partner's hesitations be? And what's your pleasure? What would you want to explore?

Here we delve into all of it: sexual taboos, our own personal experiences with role-play, how to talk about sexual role-play with a partner, and more.

---

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode: 

• "We had both had experiences of being in shut-down sexual relationships."
• “I don’t want to be the director; I want to be the actress."
• "These aspects of our psyche are more than just entertainment."
• "Relationships can evolve."
• "It’s a basket of possibiities!"

"The codependent relationship is filled with drama. There is blaming, a victim and the rescuer/protector. That rescuer is filled with needing to be needed. That’s where it began for me."

"It was years of trying as hard as I could to make things better but never being good enough to matter how hard I tried."

The word "codependence" gets thrown around a lot, but it's not always clear what it means. How do you know if you're codependent? How do you know if your partner is codependent? Can one person be codependent while the other isn't?

Here we delve into our own personal experiences of codependency, as well as the experiences of some of our clients. We aim to provide clarity on codependent dynamics and how to overcome them.

In Jason's words, "Too many men stay in a place of perpetual suffering." If your love relationships have never felt quite right -- if they've always felt off, or you've felt like you were just taking care of your partner (she couldn't take care of herself), or you've never felt like you could get it right with your partner (nothing was ever enough), this will be relevant for you.

A lot of the men we work with are aching for MORE, and I just want to say -- that's available. You don't have to stay stuck. Growth is always possible.

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode: 

• “We’re deeply entwined with each other where there’s almost no agency or independence.”
• “While the relationship was ‘safe’, we were both suffering deeply inside.”
• “As long as my partner was approving of me, there was a sense of, ‘I’m OK.’”
• “There was a fear — if I’m not with her, I’ll be alone.”

If so, you're in the minority. ;) Most of our clients had far-less-than-ideal role models when it came to the masculine -- which makes becoming a trustable adult man challenging.

For example, do you feel equipped to lead hard conversations with your woman partner, and help the two of you navigate repair? Are you able to stand up for yourself in a deep, grounded way without getting defensive or shutting down? Did you ever see any of those things role-modeled in your family of origin?

The fact is, we learn how to be in the world from our caregivers. If you were raised by people who were abusive, alcoholics, neglectful, or just not emotionally attuned to you, then there are gaps in your understanding of sex, dating, and relationships. Here we talk about how to fill those in -- and how to replace bad role models with good ones.

If you're someone who wants to grow beyond how he was raised -- this one is for you.

Themes from this episode:

• The impact of having an emotionally volatile dad vs. absent/passive dad
• If you don't want to be "that guy" -- the angry guy, the shut-down guy, the guy who makes women uncomfortable -- how do you act instead?
• How do you reclaim your manhood if you grew up with women who badmouthed men? (i.e. "Don't be like your father")
• The power of men's work

---

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

If you’ve figured out you’re a Nice Guy, you’ve likely been in a love relationship or two (or five) where you felt like your partner walked all over you, or where you developed resentment after overextending yourself. Or perhaps you've consistently felt used in your relationships. 

If you’ve ever had thoughts like, “When’s it going to be my turn? Why doesn’t she want to have sex with me?” or, “I’ve done so many good things, nobody should ever be mad at me.” — then you’re plenty familiar with Nice Guy Syndrome!

But what happens after you’ve recovered? What’s the dream? What happens once you’ve mastered things like asserting yourself, knowing what you want and need and how to speak up for it, and how to set healthy boundaries?

Here, Dr. Glover and I go through the before, during, and after states of Nice Guy Syndrome. It gets spicy in places, so get ready for a fun ride!

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• “Nobody ever taught me, ‘Say what’s on your mind.’ In my family, that was actually punished.”
• “You begin to realize that a lot of the patterns in your life are triggered by unconscious toxic shame, and deep anxiety states.”
• “In the process of having good guy friends, my love relationship has improved dramatically.”
• “This is the most productive, satisfying year of my life.”
• “We’re healing for humanity.”

Ever suspected that you have generational trauma, or thought you were broken?

Ever felt like there was something wrong with you because you just can't seem to get it together when it comes to relationships?

Spoiler alert: There is nothing wrong with you, and you are not broken. Sometimes we just all need some support to break through big blocks.

Here, I talk with David Romero, psychedelic integration coach, about how microdosing psilocybin can help human beings live fuller, richer lives -- including in relationship.

So-called "magic mushrooms" have huge potential when it comes to healing. And with all the stresses of modern life, we can use all the advantages we can get when it comes to helping us to have more regulated nervous systems, heal attachment issues, and overcome chronic pain.

If you've ever been curious about microdosing psilocybin as a therapeutic modality, you won't want to miss this one.

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "More often than not, the root causes of physical pain are deeply psychological."
• "We’re byproducts of the stress that took place before we even arrived in this world."
• "These things do amazing things because they help give you a different perspective."
• "It allows us to take a step back from the crisis our mind is putting us into."
• "I can confidently say it has made a profound impact on my life and my love relationship."

---

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Mentioned on this episode:

• How to Change Your Mind -- mini-series on psychedelics used for healing, streaming on Netflix
• Fantastic Fungi -- excellent documentary on mushrooms (psychedelic as well as other kinds), streaming on Netflix

So begins the brave stories of four men who share their personal experiences of what it was like being in relationship with a woman with Borderline Personality Disorder (or with traits of it).

If you've ever been unsure about whether your partner may have traits of BPD, this is a good one to listen to. For example, ever felt like your role in your relationship is solely that of a caretaker? In one man's words, "I felt like a caregiver and she was my responsibility."

Thrillingly, this episode is about more than just the intensity of being in an unhealthy relationship. It's also the story of freedom, expansion, and joy. It's how these men got out, and the brightness, love, and peace that's possible on the other side.

In one man's words, a turning point was interacting with someone who treated him with kindness and respect: "It was a healing moment and I began to imagine a different life for myself."

What does it take to get out of an unhealthy relationship? What is life like after you do personal growth work and heal? Sex, dating, and relationships are complex, and here we delve into all the dynamics at play from beginning to end.

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• “Anything I shared about myself was eventually used against me, and sometimes in cruel ways.”
• “My life in the relationship was like being on a rollercoaster with no safety harness.”
• “My self-worth started to come back, and that’s what made me think, ‘What am I doing in this situation?’”
• “In my current relationship, I feel grounded, safe and loved. It’s a world of difference.”
• “Now life is pretty fucking great.”

---

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Other resources mentioned on this episode:

• National Domestic Violence hotline (includes a live chat feature, if you don't want to get on the phone yet): TheHotline
• Dear Men episode 128: Feel like you're walking on eggshells? Recognizing Borderline Personality Disorder
• Dear men episode 289: Do Nice Guys attract volatile women?

Ever had a dynamic shift around money in a relationship, and not known how to deal with it (for example, she starts making more than you, and you have unexpected feelings about that)?

Have you wondered who should pay on a date (do you offer to? Is that considered sexist now?)

If you've wanted to be a fly on the wall and hear the unvarnished truth about how women feel about men, money, and masculinity, then this one's for you! Of course we don't represent all women, but you'll likely appreciate the diversity of perspectives. Get ready for vulnerability, depth, and some good laughs along the way.

---

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

Here we talk directly about avoidant attachment traits -- including what they've been like for us personally. For example, finding something small but unappealing about someone (like what kind of shoes they wear), and having that get in the way of relationship.

We do this to bring these patterns to light, so that we can learn to work with them. When it comes to the different attachment styles, including anxious, avoidant, and anxious/avoidant (aka disorganized attachment), we also want to be clear that we can always move towards secure attachment, and that learning and growth are more than possible.

---

More episodes on this topic:

• Dear Men episode 196: Did you experience emotional neglect as a kid? Here's how to know
• Dear Men episode 62: What do you do if you're not sure she's "The One"? (ft. Dr. Laura Kasper) (this one goes more into de-activating strategies mentioned on this episode)

---

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

1. "I’ve heard women say it’s a red flag if the man has not had relationship experience. What do you say?" 
2. "One issue I've had is selecting the right female partner. What is a good way to guide myself to go about doing this?" (My picker is off)
3. "How do I initiate sex without coming off as demanding? I come from a relationship where I think I pressured her into sex, or I wrongly felt sex was owed to me … how can I now be bold in initiation without coming across as pressuring?"

---

I want to give a shoutout to the men who asked these questions. It's brave to put yourself out there and ask about what you really want to know.

Got a question you want me to cover? Hit me up at dearmen at gmail.com.

---

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

• You're worn out and exhausted because you're always the one reaching out to your wife and never getting anything back
• You're great co-parents but your sex life is DOA
• As a couple you rarely or never openly fight, but there's constant, underlying tension
• You feel like you can never get it right with her, and often feel hopeless about experiencing the intimacy you so deeply crave

---

The truth is, sometimes it's clear that a relationship isn't working, but sometimes it isn't. If you're unsure and trying to figure it out on your own, you're not alone.

Many of our clients have been through the muck and confusion of trying to figure out their marriage, and here they share the depth of their hearts in that process.

Both marriage and divorce can be sources of great pain, shame, and longing. They can also be sources of transformation, spiritual growth, awakening, and freedom.

Here we delve into what to do when you don't yet have clarity around your marriage. We also touch on what it takes to improve your relationship, and how to make the determination with as much grace as possible.

And remember: "There can absolutely be miraculous turnarounds in relationships when both partners are committed and willing."

---

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "It’s very easy for men to fall into a place of isolation in life."
• "If one person is not willing to step into the growth, there’s not much you can do."
• "I keep inviting my partner into that and she’s unwilling."
• "Sometimes the greatest act of leadership is to stop tolerating mediocrity."
• "When there’s a vibrant, passionate sexual connection between the couple, it lights up the whole family system."

Should you automatically stay in a relationship because there are children involved?

The fact is, kids are perceptive and intuitive. They're aware when there's distance or discord between parents, even if they don't talk about it. And whatever you're doing in your relationship, you're role-modeling what a romantic relationship is. Is yours one you'd want your kids to have?

Here, we go over "making it work" and relationship dynamics that do affect the kids -- and not in a good way. Sometimes it's possible to repair a marriage, and sometimes it's not. Put more frankly, sometimes the best thing to do is to separate for both you and the kids.

Growth always requires getting uncomfortable, and if you want your family to truly thrive, sometimes delving head-on into discomfort is the brave and loving thing to do.

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old, often intergenerational trauma patterns, and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

In polarity work, we often talk about feminine storm. But where's the line between feminine storm, feminine rage, and abuse? We want to break the silence and go into this.

According to the CDC, one in seven men in the U.S. has suffered severe physical violence at the hands of an intimate partner. But physical violence isn't the only thing that can happen; emotional abuse is also deeply harmful, and very common for some of our clients.

The truth is, there is a way to work with strong emotions without harming a partner. Here, we, as two women who are attracted to men, share our own personal stories of the difference between our feminine storm and our feminine rage. Healthy relationships are predicated on being able to handle conflict well, and that's a skill many of us still need help with.

We also help you know: As a man, how do you know whether your partner is within the realm of normal -- if what you're going through is normal?

Know that it's always possible to recover from a toxic relationship, and that more is possible.

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "Allowing women to be emotional and have emotions like anger, rather than shutting down and being intellectual."
• "Can we work this through together in our shared nervous system?"
• "Many of us shove our anger inside and then we’re tense and anxious and depressed."
• "It’s masterful to be able to feel an emotion, witness, and communicate about it."
• "We’re sharing feelings, not dumping feelings."
• "I want to blame you! I want to make you wrong!"

---

Mentioned on this episode:

• Statistics on intimate partner abuse (aka domestic violence) against men
• Domestic violence hotline for men
• Borderline Personality Disorder

So begins the conflict for a lot of boys and men have around their cock. From a young age -- basically from the time boners start to be a thing, "It’s like a lot of men are constantly tracking, ‘Am I having an erection and if I do, how do I hide it?’"

The thing is, hiding and secrets go hand-in-hand, and they generally don't go anywhere good. The fact is, especially during teenage years, boners aren't even always about turn-on. As one man put it, "NRBs are a thing!" (No Reason Boners).

We're on a streak here talking about how to overcome sexual shame (see what I did there?). Here we delve into the complex relationship many men have with their sexuality, and in particular to their erections.

Related questions:

• How do you even know what healthy sexuality is if you've never seen it role-modeled?
• What is a boy supposed to do or say if he gets a boner at an unexpected time?
• How do you teach boys and young men that getting a boner, rather than a source of shame, can be a source of pride?

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good. (We've worked with a lot of men who grew up LDS or with other religious backgrounds, so if that's you, we're here.)

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "Our turn-on is visible from the outside."
• “It’s like what my body is doing is wrong.”
• "Men mocking men when they get hard creates a deep inner conflict."
• "The antidote to shame is connection."
• "Men having an erection is a sign of health."
• "What that shame is teaching is us to be in opposition to what we are."
• "‘If he gets a boner, he’s going to try to fu**.’"
• "I have a choice in what to do with my sexuality."

The truth is, it's deeply confusing to grow up having completely natural sexual urges, but be told you're bad or wrong for having them. In the words of the panelists:

• "For a long time I thought, 'What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I get over this?'"
• "I was taught, 'Don’t touch, don’t look, don’t think, don’t act.'"
• "As a teenager I thought, 'I’m going to go to hell and there’s no way to get around it.'"

Here, a panel of four men, three of whom grew up in the Church of Latter-day Saints (LDS, aka the Mormon Church), and one who grew up Catholic/Christian, discuss their journey from religious programming to a more full, rich, and healthy sexual expression in the world.

But it doesn't stop with healthy sex. Because one of the effects of feeling blocked, ashamed, or perverted for having natural sexual desires is that you tend to have a lot of trouble relating with those with whom you want to have sex.

This begs the questions: What is healthy sex and sexuality? What is healthy connection? According to one married man, "It took us 32 years of our marriage to be able to unravel and untwist this trauma."

Religious deconstruction from LDS and other religions is real, and it's doable. You can overcome sexual shame, religious indoctrination, and more.

If you want to go from being afraid to connect with women to having the healthiest relationship of your life, listen on.

If you're looking for inspiration, hope, and dare I say an experience of transcendence, listen on.

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good. (We've worked with a lot of men who grew up LDS or with other religious backgrounds, so if that's you, we're here.)

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "As a child, we were taught that sex-related sins were worse than murder."
• "I grew up with a daily sense of guilt and shame, and, 'I’m so dirty or gross, why would they want me?'"
• “I felt like God set me up to fail.”
• "The sexual experiences I’ve had since my divorce have been unbelievably healing for me."
• “The more we talk about it, we expand ourselves and it does something in our own nervous system.”
• “Now I can find some freedom in it. It’s OK to have sexual needs.”
• "I’m horny as hell and excited to have a fun Friday night!"

So says one of our clients, eloquently speaking to the need and also the cost of not getting space when it's required.

Here we discuss both sides of the need for space -- what it's like to need it (and how to ask for it), as well as what it's like when a partner names that need. It can be confronting or even scary when a partner needs space, especially if we have a fear of abandonment. We delve into this, and how to reframe giving space as an act of love (it's said that space is the sixth love language).

We also touch on the fact that some people know when they need space, while others aren't even necessarily aware that that's what they're needing; they just know something is missing, or that they feel lackluster.

Romantic relationships tend to have certain unwritten or unspoken rules or norms, and one of my goals is to bring these into the light. I want to facilitate conscious relationship, and meta conversations (meaning talking about how we relate to one another). I hope this one sparks something in you, and look forward to hearing about it. You can always get me at dearmenpodcast at gmail dot com.

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "It was hard for me to ask for space because I felt like I’d be hurting her."
• "Having a space of no demand on our attention is deeply restorative."
• "They have no space for themselves and wonder why they’re not feeling alive."
• "What do we want the culture and the values of our relationship to be?"
• "I trust that you’ll come back."

Did you feel at ease around becoming a man -- like you knew what that meant and smoothly moved into that identity?

We live in a world where boys and young men often feel like it's not safe to be themselves, and where it can be confusing to grow into manhood.

According to Nat Damon, who runs Reach Academy for Young Men, "what boys need is to be seen and heard." And for boys who need healthy role models in terms of what it means to be a mature, healthy man, places like Reach are lifelines.

Reach Academy gives boys a place to learn, grow, express themselves, bond with peers, and learn about leadership in a grounded way. Mentors there ask themselves questions like, "How can we help them to see the positive elements of being a man, while at the same time addressing the roots of toxic masculinity?" And, "How do you create a hope-filled atmosphere?"

It's more important than ever to have places where people who identify as boys and young men can take the pressure off. Where they can get attuned support, and experience healthy leadership. And where they can be witnessed in whatever it is they're going through.

If you're raising a son or sons, or if you have someone who identifies as a boy or young man in your life, you won't want to miss this.

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "Boys are growing up feeling more self-conscious and seeking more ways to escape the judgment put on them."
• "Being a mature man is this ability to be listen and be non-judgmental."
• "Being interested in other people is fundamental to leadership."
• "The topic of loneliness is something that we’re trying to address head-on."
• "We were able to exhale."

Mentioned on this episode:

• Reach Academy: reachyoungmen.org

If you're turned on by audio porn, ASMR, or sexy stories (either reading them or them being read to you), you're not alone. While we seem to be fixated on men being obsessed with visual porn, according to research nearly one in three listeners of erotic audiobooks are men. According to another poll, men now account for 18% of romance readers.

This is a good thing for several reasons, including the fact that so much romance is written by women. If you're a man who's attracted to women and want to know what gets them hot, reading or listening to erotica makes a lot of sense! Bonus: It's likely to get you going as well.

Here I interview Carly, creator of Aurore, a collection of literary erotica. The twist? All the tales are true. In Carly's words, "These are stories mostly written by women about what turns them on and what gets them off."

Intrigued? Listen on.

---

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• “In each city in Europe, I decided to go on Tinder and interview people about sex.”
• “I wanted him, but first I had to leave the marriage that I was languishing in, bored and ignored.”
• “Even though I loved reading erotica, I was turned off by the aspects that weren’t relatable.”
• “We women were having interesting sex, and were profoundly affected by a lot of the relationships we had.”
• “Write your own story; that’s the only one you can truly tell.”
• “I find that writing this kind of real erotica is a lot like therapy.”

---

Mentioned on this episode:

• Aurore: readaurore.com

Part of our my intention with this podcast is to help men succeed in sex, dating, and relationships with women. And a large part of the gap that I seek to fill is due to exactly what this client of ours shared -- the unfair and often unnamed expectation that men should "just know."

You shouldn't! It's totally normal to not know. And in my opinion (and that of most of the women I know), the most mature, healthiest, and sexiest men are the ones who are leaning into learning.

In the learning and growth process, you're likely to come across both therapy and coaching. They're similar but not the same, and it's an art to know when you need which.

Many of the men with whom we've worked have experienced both therapy and coaching, and I polled them before this recording so I could include their lived experiences. Here, we go over the differences between them, and share some real-world examples.

Whether you're working on your sex, dating, and relationship life, or becoming stable during or after a period of anxiety and depression, there's something for you here.

---

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• “I couldn’t take certain forward-facing actions because I had these wounds from my past.”
• “I might always have some of these old injuries or tender spots, so how do I move forward working with that?”
• “Coaching in the community normalizes my experiences instead of isolating them to ‘it must just be me.’”
• “I needed both, and one is not better than the other.”

Have you ever felt lonely in your relationship? If you’ve wished you and your partner were closer, or yearned for a breakthrough but didn’t know quite how to get there, you’re going to want to listen to this.

Psychedelics like MDMA, LSD, and psilocybin (the active component in magic mushrooms) are in the process of being re-legalized. And for good reason —they have incredible potential when it comes to alleviating suffering and boosting connection. Paired with quality guides (the right mentors or therapists), they can help us gain a deeper sense of love, trust, and belonging in the world.

But it’s not all rainbows and unicorns. Doing medicine (which is how we phrase it, rather than “doing drugs”) is only truly responsible when it’s combined with quality inner growth work. One of Lucas's realizations, for example, was "I was the source of some of my own pain." While in a way upsetting, this was also liberating, because it meant he had control over addressing the pain. "It was a letting go of my conviction that I was right, and being open to something new."

It's worth noting, as well, that these kinds of therapies don't have to be reserved for relationship distress. As Lucas put it, he and his wife sensed "There's an opportunity for even more for us."

So: Can you use MDMA therapy to deepen love with your wife, regardless of where you're at in terms of level of fulfillment already? Yes. Listen to hear more.

---

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "My need to be loved by my wife was preventing her from loving me the way she wanted to love me."
• "She was aware of a certain graspiness from me."
• "What kind of life could I live if I were never afraid of being alone?"
• "I didn't feel a sense of, 'I need to solve this right now' or 'I'm a bad person for having done this.'"
• "Suddenly everything came into play because we'd touched on the scariest thing."
• "It was really meaningful to feel her move towards me."
• "The difference is that now it feels really good to do the work together."

Plus, matchmakers play a unique role in that they speak to both parties, before and after dates. They're able, therefore, to give people honest feedback about how they're coming across, and help them make adjustments.

Here I chat with Anika, a matchmaker for Three Day Rule, about how we can all get more honest in dating. We also talk about how men and women differ when it comes to their must-haves and dealbreakers -- as someone who has spoken to hundreds if not thousands of people by now, that's actually quite interesting. She also shares some memorable matches she has made over the years. This is a sweet one!

---

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "There are women who wonder why they’re not being approached, but they don’t have an approachable aura."
• "Success means different things to different people."
• "Dating really is a numbers game … the more conversations you have, the higher chance you’re going to find someone you want to move forward with."
• "Some people have told me, 'I’ve gotten deeper with you than I’ve gotten with my therapist.'"

---

Mentioned on this episode:

• Anika's site: askanika.com
• Anika's Instagram: @nikarashaun

But this isn't just about finding the clit. It's a deeper conversation about how to talk about difficult subjects. Why is hard to talk about what we actually like or want in sex? Why is it so hard for a woman to tell a man that something isn't working sexually? It's actually the same reason it's hard to tell a colleague that something they do bothers you.

If you want a woman to open to you sexually, and make sex great for her (whether you're dating someone or in a committed relationship), it's helpful to know how to set things up. Among other things, you want to know how ask the right questions in the right way. And it's always helpful to hear from women themselves about what they crave, what delights them, what turns them on, and what works for their specific body. Learning to be skillful in asking is part of becoming the unstoppable, sexually empowered divine masculine.

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "I was like ... what?!"
• "Sex is important to human beings."
• "I almost feel like telling a man the sex isn't good is a mortal sin."
• "He played me like a fine instrument."

"In what ways have you found polarity to be useful in your sex and relationship life? In what ways have you found it to be off or problematic?"

I posed these questions to our clients in an effort to help shine a light on the problems with polarity. I believe polarity can be hugely helpful in understanding sexual attraction and heat, as well as trust and fulfillment, in both short- and long-term relationships. I also believe it can help us understand ourselves better as human beings in our own rights, not just in interpersonal dynamics.

Becoming skillful with polarity is a valuable goal, and including its flaws in the conversation is important. Here we delve into what we see as the top three problems with polarity, and how to use it as a force of good in sex, dating, and relationships.

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "Alpha is often observing and omega is being observed."
• "Things can be in opposition without being in conflict."
• "Polarity is not an excuse for abusive behavior."

---

Other helpful episodes on polarity:

• 181: What exactly is polarity? We break it down. (ft. Violet Lange)
• 103: Reverse polarity can kill your sex life as a couple -- unless you do this

We need you on the court, in the game, on the field of Life. We need you not just as romantic partners (though we do desperately want you there), but as fathers, as colleagues, as teammates.

And we need you to be in your power. We need you to be able to speak up for yourself, to tell use the truth (even if it's uncomfortable), to come towards us sexually, to set healthy boundaries. We need your full self.

If you identify as a Nice Guy, it's likely that you're working on stepping into your power. And we want to support you in that. Here, we don't just talk about what it means to step into your power, but share success stories of men we've worked with who've gone from feeling disempowered/unable to take up space ... to asserting themselves in healthy and deeply satisfying ways.

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "When I’ve been out of my power, it’s when I’ve lost connection to myself."
• "It was easier to just let her control everything, and not assert much agency, let alone power. This worked for a while, but eventually blew up in my face."
• "I’m happy to interrupt people now (in a way I did not used to)."
• "I often used to fall into others people’s desires or wants."
• "In relationship it’s, 'Here’s my truth, what’s your truth, and then how can we empower each other?'"
• ---

Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

Other episodes related to this one:

• Episode 239: Realized I’m a "Nice Guy." Now what do I do about it?
• Episode 6: From "Nice Guy" to Confident With Women & Married to a Goddess

They've never gone after the women they really wanted. As one man put it, "A lot of times the girls that I’ve attracted have come to me … and haven't been the most stable."

For some men, these dating relationships have even turned into marriages -- without the man necessarily wanting things to go that way. He has felt swept along by the current, often going along with what she wants rather than deeply considering his own wants and needs.

If a lot of the sexual or romantic relationships you've been in have been because a woman approached you, rather than you taking the lead, you might fall into this category. Or if you've been too intimidated or scared to pursue women you find really attractive, this could be you. (We also cover super-crushes here, which you may relate to.)

Fortunately there are things you can do to interrupt the pattern, and stand up for what you truly want. We've worked with countless clients who've learned how to stop being passive and become active agents in their own sex, dating, and relationship lives -- and it has absolutely changed the game.

Remember: It’s always possible to heal trauma, grow as a person, build community, and enjoy a thriving love and sex life. Listen on to hear more!

---

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "I was getting hung up on partners that weren't really interested or available."
• "There was this other thing going on is that the women that liked me, I didn't want. So I felt stuck."
• "It turns out, it was me!"
• "The hidden thing was that having a supercrush was very safe."
• "I never actually had to confront my edges of intimacy."

Remember that you can always send me your question or questions -- just email me at dearmenpodcast@gmail.com. Everything is on the table, from sex and dating to relationships and repair. I want to hear from you!

Here are the questions I answer on this episode:

• How do I rebuild trust with a partner after a rupture, or a lack of leading over time?
• How do I date someone in the same friend group without it getting weird?
• I went on a date with a woman and it went pretty well, but we didn't kiss at the end. I got the sense (especially in thinking back) that she wanted me to kiss her when we were outside waiting for her ride. It's tough because it's so hard to know what the right thing to do is. How do I know when it's time to kiss her on a date??

---

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Mentioned on this episode:

• Dear Men episode 238: How do I approach a woman at the gym? How do I approach a woman at work?

Then you’re going to want to listen to this one. 

You’re likely familiar with polarity — that sacred dance between alpha & omega. It’s a potent force that shows up in dating, sex, love relationships, and beyond (and helps explain the mystery of attraction).

But polarity also includes the 3 stages of relating. As we mature in relationships, we can graduate from stage 1 (we’re in rigidly-defined roles), to stage 2 (we talk through everything), to stage 3 — the topic of this episode. 

Stage 3 relationships are cutting-edge. They go beyond societal norms. Stage 3 is exciting, pioneering, and embodied. And in Jason’s words, “it tends to *wake us up* as men.” 

This kind of relating makes things sexy in relationship, and it also makes things deeply safe — if you know how to work it. The truth is, most omega partners deeply yearn to be fully, truly expressed, and in stage 3, that's the name of the game. In Jason's words, “Through your direction, you can invite expression.”

If you want to lead your woman in ways you’ve never even considered — if you want to provide a space within which she can both deeply relax and feel even more of her heart, and even soul, listen on.

Note: Credit to David Deida’s work on polarity and the stages of relationships. 

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• “I used to try to explain why what she was feeling was wrong.”
• “I had so much resistance to the Hot Mess archetype because I was punished by my parents for being that.”
• “In stage 2 it’s about wanting it to end — I want to release and get us back to peace. But in stage 3, it’s like, ‘Bring it all. Let’s ride this wave.’”
• “Tell me that again, but like a hippo.”
• “Once we welcome the expression of energy fully, it often resolves itself … you don’t have to do nearly as much as you think.”

In man/woman relationships, when a man embodies alpha and a woman embodies omega a good amount of the time (not all the time, but in certain key moments), the result is a thriving sex life.

But the opposite is also true -- when a woman is more in her alpha energy and a man is more in his omega, you can get "reverse polarity." This can, among other things, damage your sex life as a couple.

We see this a lot in our work, and explore the concept in more depth here. It may be a bit confronting to hear about the pattern in such detail, and it's important to keep in mind that nothing is fixed. Human beings, including couple and those in love relationships, can always grow.

Even if you're experiencing reverse polarity, you can both grow in different ways and generate polarity again. We can always expand our consciousness and capacity -- it just takes some work and sometimes some skilled guidance to get there. The good news? Figuring this out can lead to the most satisfying sex and connection of your life.

Note: The concept of polarity comes in part from David Deida's work, and in addition to reverse polarity, here we also delve into the concepts of first-, second-, and third-stage relationships.

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

Here we talk all about that! We cover communities where relating (and practicing relating authentically) is the name of the game. We give you concrete suggestions on where to go during your week to get practice in with women, as well as what kinds of events to prioritize.

This is doable. You can join communities where there's a regular partner practice, find spots where women are but someone else sets the container so you can focus on relating to her, and more. We want to support and encourage healthy relationships, and practice around dating can help. It's the new year -- LFG!

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

—

Memorable quotes

• "Online dating can be crushing."
• "Structure in your life can lead to other structures."
• "Half my female clients meet their partners in real life."
• "Creating a structure in your week where there are opportunities to be around new women can be a game-changer."

---

Mentioned on this episode:

• Violet's program: Radiant Love
• Jaiya's community work with the erotic blueprints
• Londin Angel Winters & Justin Patrick Pierce's work

No, probably not. The vast majority of men with whom we work lacked solid role models for healthy masculinity, both at home and at school. This damaged their ability to succeed in dating, relationships, and sex, and led to a lot of suffering.

Scott Kaltenbaugh is working to change that. He's in the school system working in the classroom as well as doing one-on-one mentorship with boys and young men. The goal is to teach them how to be "a calm but assured version of masculinity."

But how do you do that? What do you teach, and how do you describe what it is to wield power? Listen for a fascinating view into an inspiring potential future for us as a culture. (Also, if you have sons or may have sons in the future, this one will be of particular interest to you.)

---

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love life for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

—

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• “I was starting to see so much toxic masculinity I started to devalue my own masculinity.”
• “These boys don’t get shown possibilities — it’s just, ‘Don’t be these things.’”
• “I started to see how much harm our boys are facing.”
• “I can’t control what the world does to me, but I can control how I meet that.”
• “Emotion are tools. They’re important.”
• “Power is our ability to meet and shape the world around us.”
• “Sometimes it’s important to bond shoulder-to-shoulder; sometimes it’s important to bond face-to-face.”

---

Mentioned on the episode

• Scott's program, the Inspiring Men Project, and his own site
• This is Your Moment (program to stop rape)
• RAINN (Rape & Incest National Network) -- free, confidential chat-based support for anyone who has experience any form of sexual assault
• Sacred Sonz -- virtual and in-person support for boys and teens

If you're someone who struggles with setting healthy boundaries, you may have noticed a certain pattern in terms of the dating and relationship partners you've ended up with.

In our work with men we've often seen a certain kind of polarity where men with Nice Guy tendencies attract women with traits of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). These women are often brilliant, funny, engaging, witty, exciting to be around ... and volatile. Romantic relationships with them can be a rollercoaster with precipitous highs and lows.

Fortunately, we've also seen countless men overcome this pattern and grow beyond it. Here we delve into the pattern itself, reasons behind it, and what to do about it.

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love life for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

—

Memorable quotes:

• “One of the hallmark traits of Nice Guys is overextending.”
• “It’s often the volatile person’s nervous system that gets centered.”
• “If you don’t see reality their way, you’re the enemy.”
• “There’s a fear that if I end this, I’m going to be alone."
• “At an early age, the Nice Guy had to regulate one of his parents, or the family system itself.”
• “Maybe me speaking up isn’t aggressive.”

---

Mentioned on this episode:

• Dear Men episode 239: Just realized I'm a nice guy. Now what?
• Dear Men episode 128: Feel like you're walking on eggshells? Recognizing Borderline Personality Disorder

Questions can come up like, “Is it honoring of myself to stay in this relationship? Should I stay because I made a vow, even if it sacrifices my well-being? And if we do get divorced, will I ever find another partner?”

Here, three men reveal their truth around their process of getting divorced, as well as their experiences dating, having sex, and getting into new relationships post-divorce.

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• “I didn’t feel safe to voice my needs with my partner.”
• “I felt like my identity was being snuffed out in my marriage.”
• “It was a deep-dive back into my passions.”
• “Am I worthy? Will a quality woman say yes to this?”
• “We’re both doing work and we support each other.”

—

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love life for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

The truth is, many of us human beings limit ourselves when it comes to having it all. We think we can either have a job we like, or one that pays us well ... we can either settle down and become 'boring,' or have an exciting life without stability.

This pattern of thinking is especially obvious when it comes to sex, dating, and relationships. A lot of people struggle with believing they can have a partner who is BOTH one thing and another thing. And for women who are attracted to men, that is frequently: I want to feel claimed/ravaged AND respected/cherished.

There's more to it than that, and here we get down and dirty with it. Listen on for insight into the light and dark masculine, fuckboys at Da Club, the shame we hold around this pattern, and how to embody everything a woman yearns for.

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love life for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

—

Mentioned on this episode:

• Dear Men Episode 269: The heart/cock matrix

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• “I can either have fun … or be married.”
• “I liked the feeling of being respected, but I didn’t feel juicy.”
• “This is the best sex that I’ve ever had with anybody.”
• “I could trust that he would show up, and see parts of me that I wasn’t necessarily proud of.”
• “It’s not something you do or say. It’s a vibe!”

Dating apps can be crazy-making -- for real! That said, online dating does NOT have to suck for you. We have 5 concrete tips for you to maintain your sanity and actually have a good experience.

These are things we've seen work for our clients, and they can work for you. Take a listen if you want more hot sex, dating, and relationships in your life.

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love life for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

—

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "A lot of times we see men limiting themselves because they assume a woman won’t be open to a “less serious” relationship."
• “Everybody is navigating different phases of life.”
• “For it to be a successful relationship, it doesn’t have to last forever.”
• “Turn the notifications off!”
• "I have an ability to impact my life (vs. I feel like a victim).”
• "When we’re doing the work, we’re getting our power back.”

If you’re one of the millions of people who’ve experience anxiety, clinical depression, and/or dysthymia — low-grade, chronic depression — then you know how easy it is to spiral. When it comes to sex, dating, and relationships, it can feel daunting to even get started. Negative self-talk abounds! This can be exacerbated if you identify with Nice Guy Syndrome.

The fact is, human beings (especially in the modern world) are prone to anxiety & depression. So how do you work on it and respectfully get laid at the same time?

Here, Toby Endelman, who collaborates closely with Dr. Glover (author of No More Mr. Nice Guy), discusses his own personal journey around overcoming depression, and practical steps you can take if you’re in the same boat.

This is a big subject and there are no quick fixes, but the important thing to know is that there *is* hope, and things can get better.

—

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love life for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

—

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• “My father’s passing really knocked me on my ass.”
• “I grew up thinking I was deeply unattractive.”
• “I couldn’t believe this woman was going out with me!”
• “Changing my environment was a great start.”
• “Every relationship is a choice, and you always have the choice to walk away.”
• “You cannot do this work alone. We need other people to become who we are.”

Here we explore something we've noticed in our work: the correlation we’ve witnessed between the pattern of cheating, and not being in your power as a man. We go over both the experience of cheating as well as being cheated on.

In Jason’s words, “One of the shadow sides of a lot of Nice Guys is tolerating not being treated well, and in a weird way this has partners treat them even worse.”

To be clear, cheating is wrong and causes harm, and we are not condoning it. What we are doing is discussing questions like:

What happens when your needs aren’t met in a relationship?

How do you handle feeling stuck when it comes to sex and relationship?

Whether you're dating or in a committed partnership, how do you effectively communicate with a partner when were never taught how to do so?

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love life for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• “I wasn’t taught to attune to myself, or advocate for myself.”
• ‘“Life just happening to us’ (as Nice Guys) vs. ‘I have the power to impact my life.’”
• “Confrontational tolerance is critical.”
• “It tends to bring guys alive.”

Mentioned on this episode:

• Dear Men episode 128: Recognizing Borderline Personality Disorder
• Dear Men episode 196: The “invisible” relationship pattern that can affect everything -- this is the one I reference, where we talk about emotional neglect
• 250: How do you re-polarize a relationship (bring back the spark)? ft. Jason Lange -- this one explores the concept of polarity as well as reverse polarity

It's a question most of us ask ourselves (sometimes on repeat!), and one many of us could use more guidance around.

Knowing the answer matters for several reasons, and one is that it naturally generates polarity with a partner. In sex, dating, and relationships, you, as a man, will polarize women far more when you know who you are and what you're about. It will bring you energy and give you direction, which is naturally polarizing.

But how the hell do you figure it out?! It isn't always easy. Enter Brian Johnson, who has worked with elite athletes, Navy SEALs, the CEO of Whole Foods, Phil Stutz (psychiatrist to the stars), and thousands more. He's successful, driven, and very passionate about helping everyone know how to answer the question, and go from stuck to unstuck to thriving.

Traditional sex and relationship advice won't cover this, but if you want women to desire you on a deep level -- sexually as well as in a relationship -- this isn't one to miss.

---

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love life for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "You’re supposed to enter the forest at the darkest spot, and sometimes Life throws you into that spot."
• "It’s laser tag; do I really need instructions??"
• "The most elite performers in the world have the most coaches."
• "Love is the hero’s secret weapon."
• “Action drives creativity.”

---

Mentioned on this episode:

Brian's book: Areté

Here we hear from one woman who really enjoys anal, and another who hasn’t had great experiences with it (yet). We also talk a lot about how to open up a conversation with your partner about it (i.e. how do you say, "I'd like to try anal sex. Would you?"). And we cover the shame that can be inherent in wanting to try a new sex act, whether that's anal sex or something else.

Anal sex isn’t just for women, either! We also discuss men who enjoy receiving anal stimulation, whether that's anal sex or prostrate massage. Yay, healthy, connected sex and pleasure!

Mentioned on this episode:

• Please Her in Bed, my streaming course on sex
• Maude, the sexual intimacy company with the awesome lube

---

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love life for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "Everybody's got an anus."
• "Pussy juice!"
• "For me to feel safe having anal sex with a man, it would require more trust and intimacy than vaginal sex."
• "It takes the most prep and intention going into it."
• "We were doing it doggy style and he said, 'Can I stick it in your ass?'"

The truth is, it is each partner’s responsibility to tend to their nervous systems and be able to regulate their emotions enough to be able to regularly come to the relationship with presence and energy.

But what do you do when someone's going through a hard time, or they've gotten used to leaning on you for support? This kind of thing can affect a dating or long-term relationship, and it tends to impact everything in your dynamic (including the sex).

Here, we go through the ins and outs of this pattern, including its origins and how you can start to address it proactively with a love partner.

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• “When she was feeling down, she needed a lot of support and attention from me.”
• “One partner can often keep giving and giving and giving and get burnt out.”
• “One of the benefits of relationship is co-regulation.”
• “She felt rejected because I needed to take space.”
• "It’s fair to say, 'I need you to have meaningful support outside the relationship in order to feel secure in our connection.'"

---

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love life for good. To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

This can also sound like, "How do I tell my partner I want something without seeming demanding?" or, "How do I share my needs without being needy?" or, "How do I tell her [something hard] without pissing her off, or having her feeling judged??"

Real talk: Most of us didn't have healthy communication role-modeled to us in our family of origin. So when these kinds of things happen, we don't know what to say:

• Your dating partner wants to hang out this Friday evening, but you want alone time
• You want to try something new in sex with your wife, but have no idea how to bring it up
• Your woman partner is going through a hard time and has been leaning on you a lot, and you need a break

---

The good news? This is doable. You can learn how to communicate your needs skillfully in relationship, and it makes all the difference. Whether it's about sex, dating, or a relationship issue, the freedom to bring up and hold space for challenging subjects is not only deeply masculine, but of deep service in the world.

Memorable quotes from this episode: 

• "I guess I’ll just tolerate it."
• "Under every complaint is a desire."
• "Sharing desire is inherently vulnerable."
• "We have to teach our partners how to love us."

---

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love life for good. To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

Allison and Jeff were both in sexless marriages before they got together. And as is almost always the case, sex is about more than just the sex -- it's also about connection, intimacy, joy, fire, and aliveness. The lack of it can feel stifling, or even soul-crushing.

As Jeff put it, "I wasn’t with someone that made me feel good about myself ... It was like what you didn’t do wasn’t good enough; what you did do wasn’t good enough.” And in Allison's words, "When I say there was no passion ... there was no passion. At some point I realized we really had no relationship that didn't involve our children."

But don't worry! Their story has a happy ending. They went from bad situations to finding one another, and now they have all kinds of wonderful, connected, kinky, delightful sex. :) How'd they do it? Listen on.

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• “One day I woke up and said, ‘I can’t do this anymore.’”
• "I wasn’t happy but I didn’t realize how unhappy I was."
• "I didn’t even feel like I needed sex … until that marriage ended."
• "How many dicks did you have out at one point?!"
• "Every nerve on my body works."

---

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

Whether it's a single man struggling with sexual shame, a married man trying to figure out why it's so hard for him to lead his wife, or a man who's dating and noticing that he gets really triggered when he feels criticized by a woman (even if he knows intellectually that she's not trying to criticize him), the root cause is often the same:

Unprocessed "stuff."

Carrying around trauma is like walking through life weighed down by a backpack full of rocks. You don't always realize it's there until you're freed from it.

And the truth is, women are magnetically drawn to men who are relaxed and grounded in their bodies. That kind of relaxed and open state doesn't just happen, and it's not something you're either born with or not. There are things you can do to get there.

When it comes to processing trauma, shame, or just general stuckness, talking has limited efficacy. That's part of why you may not have gotten the results you were looking for through talk therapy or couples counseling. It's usually when we work the body (oh hi, somatic therapy) that we truly experience breakthroughs. Or as my guest, Luke Adler, puts it:

"The beauty of breathwork is that you add tremendous fuel and bypass the mind."

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "We men have been acculturated to be thickened up."
• "It made clear where things were really working in my life and where they weren’t."
• "Whatever system is stagnant — it’s going to move."
• "People’s pace needs to be honored."

---

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

If you've ever been in a dating relationship or long-term, committed relationship, you've likely experienced the chaos that ensues if you don't handle transitions well. For example, if you come home from work and you're not actually ready to be present with your wife or kids, it's likely someone will be pissed. ;)

Transitions are about more than just that scenario, though. They're relevant in the early stages of dating all the way up to marriage.

Many a married client come to us because he wants MORE in his partnership. He wants to show up well with his wife, and for her to feel good with him. He wants to inspire trust, connect with her sexually in a satisfying way (both for her and for him), and have her be able to truly surrender to him.

This kind of close, sexy dynamic requires healthy, vibrant polarity. And if you're all about that good, good polarity with your partner, you need to know how to handle transitions well. Let's talk about it!

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "I don’t know if I want to take things deeper, so I’m just not going to talk about things."
• "She didn’t want him to be there if he didn’t want to be there."
• "I felt safer in the relationship because I knew that I wasn't the only one tracking things going on with us."

---

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I can help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

This is one of those thorny sex & relationship topics that a lot of us tread lightly around. We know it's sensitive, and if we're past the dating phase (i.e. we're married/in a long-term committed relationship), it can feel like the stakes are high. Like if we even raise the question, we could jeopardize this relationship that means a lot to us.

If you've ever wondered how to bring up possibly opening up your relationship without hurting or offending your partner, you're in good company. Many people who are interested in the concept of open relationships are at a loss when it comes to talking about it with their partner.

Here, we go over common mistakes people make when bringing this subject up with a relationship partner, and how to do it in a compassionate way -- a way that makes it clear this is an invitation, and not an ultimatum. (And obviously when it comes to good sex, dating, and relationship advice, ultimatums are rarely the answer!)

We also get into an entertaining story of how NOT to do it, which includes a hot night of clubbing followed by the shower from hell. ;)

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• “Monogamy is all I knew.”
• “Some people took this crush thing to another level.”
• “The thought, ‘I’m not enough’ exploded in his brain.”
• “Sexual autonomy is a thing some people want.”

---

Mentioned on this episode:

Dr. Joli's work can be found here (www.jolihamilton.com/)

The "done for you" conversation referenced can be found here (www.jolihamilton.com/easy)

---

Work with me

Ready to break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good? Jason and I are ready to work with you in our flagship program, Pillars of Presence. To see if there's a fit, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

But what about other ways of being turned on? Specifically, what about erotica?

It turns out a whole bunch of men are into audio porn (oh hi, ASMR) as well as story-based erotica and erotic fiction. This week's guest is an erotic fiction author, voiceover artist, and podcaster who writes erotic stories! We talk about turn-ons, the difference between visual porn and erotica, and how a giantess using a man's entire body as a dildo can be a huge turn-on.

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• “Holy shit, what the F have I been missing?”
• “Erotica and audiobooks are immersion, and infinite instead of finite.”
• “They got tired of porn, so they started to explore erotic romance.”

Work with us

Ready to break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good? Jason and I are ready to work with you in our flagship program, Pillars of Presence. To see if there's a fit, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

If you've ever been afraid of being perceived as creepy or a pervert, you're not alone -- even men in relationships have this fear. Much of it stems from early childhood experiences, including religious trauma. And fortunately there's a lot you can do about this.

Here, we go into what it actually means to be creepy (including my own personal share of a bad experience I had with a man, vs. ones where I've felt safe and comfortable), as well as how you can start to own your own sexuality in a more healthy and straightforward way.

Whether you're single, dating, or in a long-term committed relationship like a marriage, there's something here for you. Sex, self-acceptance, shame, and love are all connected.

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "I don't want to be a #MeToo guy."
• "Healthy sexuality is a part of your humanity."
• "There's often a shame match, where a man with shame attracts a shame-inducing partner."
• "As men grow and reclaim parts of themselves that have been denigrated, they attract different kinds of women."
• "I can have the kind of relationship I want!"

Work with us

If you're committed to breaking old patterns and transforming your sex & love life in a real and lasting way, we'd love to work with you. To see if there's a fit, book a call here. 

(https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

Everyone has heard, "You can't love someone else until you love yourself," but what does loving yourself actually mean? Hint: It's not just taking bubble baths or treating yourself to fancy pastries.

Self-love is the bedrock of relationship, and it's deeply related to resentment, fulfillment, and -- perhaps unexpectedly -- parenting. It's also linked to healthy sex, dynamic dating, and honest relationships.

Whether you're currently in a romantic relationship, want to be in a relationship, or are somewhere in between, this is a critical skill to build. There are 3 myths about self-love. Can you guess what they are?

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "Oh my God, I don’t even love myself, and this could be driving some of our relationship patterns."
• "It was like a low-level sadness, like something was missing in my life but I didn’t know what it was."
• "Anything I didn’t deem as a positive emotion, I didn’t make space for ... and that translated to my kids."
• "We are never the same self; you are always relating to a different self."
• "'I’ve got to work harder' is a trigger thought"
• “I need novelty.”

---

From this episode:

• Megan’s podcast: Amory (amorypodcast.com)
• Megan’s mini-course on self-love (
• Our retreat, The Nature of Relating, in Costa Rica, Nov 9-14. Use code FRIENDOFMEL for $200 off (https://tinyurl.com/2p2ykrkz)

---

Work with us

Ready to break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good? Jason and I are ready to work with you in our flagship program, Pillars of Presence. To see if there's a fit, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

More upcoming live events:

• The Heart of Shadow program run by Jason & Luke starts Sept 19th and includes a live retreat Oct 18-22. Dear Men listeners get 10% off tuition here: melaniecurtin.com/shadow

Here we talk about feminine testing, and what it means to play with it by tussling. When she pushes your boundaries or overreacts to something seemingly small, what's really going on? Why does she seem to pick fights sometimes, but other times melt in your arms? And more importantly, how do you handle this in a way that actually builds connection for both of you?

Hint: If you don't want negative emotional tension in your relationship, you need to get skilled at positive emotional tension.

Whether you're dating, in a long-term relationship like a marriage, or anywhere in between, positive emotional tension helps with everything from connection to sex to a really hot date night.

We also outline the difference between tussling — healthy, positive emotional tension — and abuse. To be in healthy relationship you must know the signs of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and how to avoid partners with that patterning. We also delve into loving, conscious dominance -- which frequently leads to smokin' hot sex. ;)

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "Having a PhD really didn’t help much when it came to my relationships!"
• We all get needy.”
• “If I've got you arguing with me, at least I’ve got your attention.”

Mentioned on this episode:

• Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) - an evidence-based treatment for Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
• The Wisdom of No Escape by Pema Chodron 

And most men want to be trusted. They want to be satisfying to their partner sexually, emotionally, and physically. They want their partner to feel safe with them. Trust is the basis of safety, upon which relationship thrives, but it's not always easy to grasp what it means to be trustable.

So here we talk about it! Four of us women reveal what it takes for a man to be deeply trustable to us. We share personal stories of times we didn't trust a man (and why), as well as times we felt deep trust and connection. There are a lot of commonalities amongst our stories.

In a world where so many women feel unsafe with so many men, being a trustable man and partner is one of the ways you can stand out. Whether you're dating, married, or starting out in a new relationship, there are quality lessons here.

But what’s talked about less often is how sexy shadow work can make you. As a woman who has sex with men, I can attest to this — a man who does real shadow work is hot. Period.

Here, Jason and I join forces with Luke Adler, doctor of Chinese medicine, healer, and men’s coach, to talk all things shadow work, sex, relationships, masculine identity, and the freedom that comes from doing deep work with trustable people.

Dear Men listeners get 10% off registration using the coupon codes in the link below.

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "Actual table flip!“

Mentioned on this episode:

melaniecurtin.com/shadow

We do this in part because I want to reveal the deep yearning on the part of a lot of women who relate with men romantically. While the themes discussed in this episode are relayed in the frame of men who relate with women romantically, and vice versa (many of whom identify as heterosexual/straight), I believe there's a universal human longing at play.

Here we talk about the three types of men, their differences, their paths, and the category that a lot of women crave from the depths of their being.

Evolutionary Men Retreat

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Join us LIVE for our yearly, in-person retreat. This sold out last year and as of this episode dropping, we've still got 3 slots left.

Labor Day weekend, Aug 31st - Sept 4th, 2023. Northern California. To sign up or learn more, go here.

Work with us

If you're committed to breaking old patterns and transforming your sex & love life in a real and lasting way, we'd love to work with you. To see if there's a fit, book a call here. 

(https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

Then you need to know about this.

Whether you're dating or in a long-term committed relationship, there's an underlying fear that, according to Violet, who has worked with hundreds of women and heard from thousands, 99% of women have.

It's a fear you may share. And if it's not addressed, it can block intimacy, whether that's in sex or other relationship dynamics. The good news? You can learn to address it skillfully -- and this can profoundly shift a dynamic within a relationship. If you've been looking for the best relationship advice ever, it might just be this. ;)

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "I’m not going to be THAT girl."
• "I don't care what my fling thinks, but I don't want my partner to think I'm a trashy whore."
• "I’m too needy, bossy, driven. I’m too fat, too slutty, too crazy."

---

Evolutionary Men Retreat

It's happening! Come join us. This sold out last year and as of this episode dropping, we've still got 4 slots left.

Labor Day weekend, Aug 31st - Sept 4th, 2023. Northern California. To sign up or learn more, go here.

---

Also mentioned on this episode:

• Violet's Wild Sensuality retreat
• Dear Men podcast episode 128: Feel like you're always walking on eggshells? Recognizing Borderline Personality Disorder

We learn how to be who we are from our parents and other caregivers. If you grew up with men who were absent, alcoholics, abusive, or just not emotionally attuned, then there are gaps in your knowledge. Here we talk about how to fill those in -- and how to replace bad role models with good ones.

A few things we cover in this episode:

• Passive dad/absent dad vs. volatile dad
• What do to do if you don't want to be "that guy" -- the angry guy, the shut-down guy, the guy who makes women uncomfortable
• Growing up with women who badmouthed men ("Don't be like your father")
• The power of men's work

---

Not mentioned on this episode but still wanted to mention it here -- there's a YouTube channel called, "Dad, how do I?" and it's great. It's by a man who didn't grow up with a good dad, and it's all about how to do basic things (like shaving).

If anyone knows what it's like to feel stuck around sex, dating, and relationships, it's Jason. He was a late bloomer, self-proclaimed Nice Guy, and didn't feel successful with women for a long time -- didn't even have sex for the first time until his late 20s.

Plus, even outside of relationships, for most of his life he felt like something was ... missing. Like his life was just sort of happening to him. He wanted something else, something more, but didn't know how to get there.

Then he went to a live workshop where a men's work mentor rocked his world. In just twenty minutes of in-depth work, he got to a place that 3 full years of talk therapy hadn't touched.

It was transformational.

If you've ever felt stuck or numb as a man, you're not alone. And you can break out of it. Sometimes it just takes some support to get there.

Evolutionary Men Retreat

It's happening! Come join us. This sold out last year and as of this episode dropping, we've still got a few slots left.

Labor Day weekend, Aug 31st - Sept 4th, 2023. Northern California.

To sign up or learn more, go here.

The fact is, 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 6 boys are survivors of child sexual abuse. To put that in perspective, that's 42 million women and 21 million men in the US alone.

The bad news? We don't talk about this nearly enough, so it can feel overwhelming and scary to address. The good news? It is addressable, and no matter who you are or what happened, you can have a beautiful, connected, and deeply fulfilling sex life. It just takes some work to get there.

Here we talk about how you, as a man who has sex with women, can identify the signs that a partner may have a sexual trauma background

If you've ever been with a partner who seems to check out during sex (disassociates), tends to avoid sex altogether, or has certain triggers (like certain lighting or movements on your part that cause her to tense up), it could be this.

We also talk about how to bring it up and talk about it in a way that feels safe and welcoming. It's a sensitive topic and it takes a lot of trust for a woman to tell you this is part of their history (and vice versa — it takes a lot of trust for you, as a man, to let her know if you're a survivor). Knowing more about how to respond well and help to lead and guide the conversation will only help you expand and embody the healthy masculine.

A vital truth is that if your wife or girlfriend is a survivor of sexual trauma (child sexual abuse, rape, sexual assault), it affects your sex life — meaning it impacts both of you. We also discuss how you can support your woman and also address your own sexual needs (without coming off as ignorant or insensitive).

Because when it comes down to it, we all want to love one another as best we can. And sex is a big part of that.

Books referenced in this episode:

• Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma by Peter Levine & Ann Frederick

• In an Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness by Peter Levine & Gabor Mate

Ready to go beyond the podcast?

We love working with men who are ready to do the work!

If you're committed to breaking old patterns and transforming your sex & love life in a real and lasting way, take action here. 

(https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

HA.

I'm guessing not.

Many families of origin suck at talking about sex, dating, and relationships. And whether you grew up in a religious house or not, sex education tends to also be subpar, especially when it comes to teaching about sexual communication.

How do you ask a partner for what you really want? How do you tell someone they're missing the mark when it comes to something sexual (like oral sex, or something about intercourse).

On this episode we talk about all that, as well as how the #MeToo movement has impacted all of us. And we touch on how to overcome sexual shame. A particularly memorable quote from that section:

“I turned my shame into vulnerability.”

Finally, we touch on porn in this episode, and the other podcast episode I reference is:

DM 112: How this man overcame porn addiction

(If you've felt a little iffy about your relationship with pornography, give that one a listen, as well. You may find it illuminating.)

Ready to go beyond the podcast?

We love working with men who are ready to do the work!

If you're committed to breaking old patterns and transforming your sex & love life in a real and lasting way, take action here. 

(https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

So how do you polarize your woman well? Polarity is one of those mysteries in life like electricity: We don't fully grasp why it works, but we can harness its power to make our lives better.

I love polarity work because it can make a concrete difference in sex, love, dating, and relationships. I've seen countless clients ditch old dating advice, learn about this, and then say, "Wow, this polarity thing really works on a date." Or, "Man, I wish I'd known about polarity sooner ... my marriage might have gone differently."

The fact is, no one teaches us about dating and sexuality and HOW to connect well. Most men don't learn how to flirt with girls, how to polarize a partner, or even what polarity is. Yet it's a fundamental relationship dynamic that can help with everything.

Here we lay out five practical ways to polarize a woman partner into her feminine, helping her to drop into her heart and soften. If you've ever wondered why certain evenings with your wife or girlfriend were magical, while others felt like pulling teeth, this may help.

And if you're a man who has sex with women and you want to help your woman soften, receive more of your love, and relax into even deeper levels of trust, this one is for you.

Quick note: We talk about this on the podcast and wanted to include it here: If you suspect your partner may have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) (i.e. nothing you do ever seems to make a difference with her), polarity work won't cut it.

You may also want to listen to our episode on that subject: 128: Feel like you're walking on eggshells? Recognizing Borderline Personality Disorder.

---

Ready to go beyond the podcast?

We love working with men who are ready to do the work!

If you're committed to breaking old patterns and transforming your sex & love life in a real and lasting way, take action here. 

(https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

All of this is related to loneliness. Whether you live alone and work from home, are single and dating and longing for relationship, are divorced and missing what you used to have, or are in a relationship but often feel distant from your wife/partner ... life can be lonely.

And according to the US Surgeon General, "Our epidemic of loneliness and isolation has been an underappreciated public health crisis that has harmed individual and societal health."

We tend to think of feeling lonely as not that big a deal, but that couldn't be further from the truth. According to Psychology Today, "[c]lose relationships with other people have more of an impact on our physical health and longevity than even our genes do."

The other wrinkle here is that loneliness and social isolation tend to hit men harder. A full 15% of modern men report having no close friendships or relationships at all, and 44% of men 18 and up say they feel lonely all the time (that stat still blows my mind. I want to give everyone a hug).

So what do you do about it? How do you get more connected and start to feel more of a sense of belonging? Here, we delve into what it actually means to be lonely, as well as how to start to get more connection in your life on a regular basis. We share our personal experience of loneliness, as well as three concrete suggestions for how to get more connected.

We also talk about how meaningful connection is not just about being around other people; it’s about feeling safe to be your full, true, authentic self. To feel fully seen.

Because when we feel fully seen, we feel fully alive.

---

Ready to go beyond the podcast?

We love working with men who are ready to do the work!

If you're committed to breaking old patterns and transforming your sex & love life in a real and lasting way, take action here. 

(https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

The question I have is, if I'm having doubts or feelings that I might be settling, does that mean she's not The One? Or is it normal to have these feelings sometimes?"

If you've ever wondered whether you're in the right relationship or should seek something better, you're not alone! Dating is, in part, about figuring out whether you're with the right partner. But no one teaches us how to know whether it's right, especially if you sometimes have doubts.

Short story? Doubts don't mean everything, and they don't mean nothing. ;) Here, we delve into the fundamentals of "relationship ambivalence," anxious/avoidant attachment and how it relates to this, how porn can affect how you feel about your relationship, and what to truly look for when determining whether partner is the right one for you to build a happy, safe, healthy relationship with.

Mentioned on this episode:

Episode 128: Are you with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder?

Ready to go beyond the podcast?

We love working with men who are ready to do the work!

If you're committed to breaking old patterns and transforming your sex & love life in a real and lasting way, take action here. 

(https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

But how do you figure out how to get consent while still maintaining your masculine core? Is it uncool to ask for permission to kiss her? (Spoiler alert: No.) And how does consent work on a porn set? Porn stars still need to navigate the world of what's going to feel good for someone and what's not, and as it turns out, a lot of the process actually goes on off-camera!

Here, we delve into the wild and wondrous world of consent, as outlined by top adult film actress, author, and consent advocate Tasha Reign. If you've ever wanted to know what the differences are between porn sex and real-life sex, give this a listen!

Ready to go beyond the podcast?

We love working with men who are ready to do the work! If you're committed to breaking old patterns and transforming your sex & love life in a real and lasting way, take action here. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

And women don't tend to feel deeply safe unless they feel claimed.

In one woman's words: “When a man doesn’t claim me, I feel anxious and stressed and find myself not wanting to be vulnerable."

Another said, "When a man doesn't claim me it feels confusing... like, 'Huh?' I'm like, 'Wtf is happening?' I feel anxious and unsettled, and I don't want to open up and be vulnerable. I feel wary and the need to be hypervigilant."

Claiming doesn't mean dominating. It's not about overpowering. Here, we go into depth around what claiming is and isn't, and how you can do it well. The good news? When you know how to claim well, your dating and sex life will improve. Your current relationship will get hotter and smoother.

If you're a man who wants women to feel safe with you, this is one to listen to.

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "When I feel claimed I feel safe and held. It makes me trust him and his leadership / guidance / direction."
• "I can surrender and experience joy and be playful. I'm more willing to come along for the ride without having to worry about all the nitty-gritty details, like whether or not I'll be protected."
• "I'd follow him anywhere."

Ready to go beyond the podcast?

We love working with men who are ready to do the work! If you're committed to breaking old patterns and transforming your sex & love life in a real and lasting way, we can help. 

Take action here. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

1. In dating, I tend to get attached/excited about someone fast, and then really disappointed when it doesn’t work out. How do I lessen the intensity of this? (This includes if you've just been messaging with someone on a dating app like Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, OKCupid, etc. and you thought it'd go somewhere but then it didn't)
2. I brought something to a woman that I thought she'd appreciate, and she didn’t respond. Did I do something wrong?
3. Should I wait to get into a relationship in order to work on my stuff? (Similar to, "How do I know when I'm ready to get into a relationship/start dating again?")
4. How do I ‘not take the bait,’ as in get reactive, when someone is baiting me (like my girlfriend or wife)?

Here, I answer all of these questions, which includes exploring what to do when you feel let down around something in sex, dating or relationships; how to know when it's time to work on yourself and not date (take a break from dating) vs. work on yourself while in a relationship; and what to do when you're in the middle of a fight with your partner and want to slow things down.

Learning and growing is a brave act. It's also one of the best investments you can possibly make in your own future. I also believe that every time you grow and expand beyond your family of origin, you're contributing to the good of the species. So good on you!

Ready to go beyond the podcast?

We love working with men who are ready to do the work! If you want to break old patterns and transform your sex & love life in a real and lasting way, we can help. Take action here. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

That's not the only thing that might surprise you about sex, love, dating, and the behind-the-scenes truth about pornography. Here, porn director Holly Randall outlines some of the differences between the sex shown in porn versus real sex, and we also get into what the sex lives of porn stars are really like.

Other topics include how to relax about penis size (this part is very interesting), things you might not have known about anal sex, and more.

Ready to go beyond the podcast?

We love to work with men who are ready to do the work! If something isn't working in your sex or love life and you want to break old patterns and transform in a real and lasting way, we can help.

Take action here. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

How do you stay steady when things like financial stress, fertility issues, job concerns, or hard family dynamics cause a wife, girlfriend, or other woman partner to turn to you more than ever?

Here we talk about what it means to be emotionally regulated vs/ dysregulated, and concrete ways to feel better and manage stress in a healthy, generative fashion. We outline how a woman (or any dysregulated partner) can soothe herself, as well as strategies you can use to support her through a difficult time.

If you've ever felt unsure about how to soothe a woman partner or challenged by feeling the need to hold space repeatedly for something neither she nor you have control over (i.e. her getting laid off, or interacting with a frustrating/difficult relative, etc.), you'll appreciate this one.

Mentioned on this episode:

Trauma Release Exercises (TRE) (https://youtu.be/FeUioDuJjFI)

Network Spinal Analysis (https://tinyurl.com/3assne6v)

Violet's site: (https://violetlange.com/)

Ready to go beyond the podcast?

We love to work with men who are ready to do the work! If something isn't working in your sex or love life and you want to break old patterns and transform in a real and lasting way, we can help.

Take action here. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

As one writer put it, "Sexual intercourse is mostly selfish. Sure, you want the other person to get off, but your own orgasm is your first priority. But giving head is, at the core, a selfless act."

Speaking of orgasm, 70%+ of women who have sex with men don't tend to cum through intercourse ... but many can if you go down on them! Yep, going down on her can be super important in some cases, since it can be a reliable way to help your woman partner to get off.

Whether you're dating women or you're in a long-term relationship like a marriage, oral can be a delightful part of your sexual repertoire. But how do you navigate it and make sure it's good for all involved? What, for example, do you do if a woman is actually uncomfortable receiving oral sex (and if that woman is your wife)?

Here, we delve into all that and more -- the good, the bad the ugly -- of going downtown.

---

Mentioned on this episode:

The GirlTalk episode on how to go down on a woman (episode 152)

The course based on my sex research: Please Her In Bed

Ready to go beyond the podcast?

We love to work with men who are ready to do the work! If something isn't working in your sex or love life and you want to transform it, break old patterns, and move forward in a real and lasting way, we can help. Take action here.

Allana has 20 years of helping both singles and couples with sex, love, and relationships, so she's able to speak to the larger patterns that emerge in the work. According to her, "most intimacy struggles boil down to a few common blindspots that once healed, allow vulnerable, authentic relationships to thrive."

Want to know what the top 3 blindspots are, and how to address them? Listen on!

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "I played the Wall Street wife and lost myself."
• "There's a gift in every crisis."
• "The main tipping point was when my son came and said, 'I know what I’m doing.'"
• "I believe the universe is on our side."
• "Tell me something about you and oral sex…"

Ready to go beyond the podcast?

We love to work with men who are ready to do the work! If something isn't working in your sex or love life and you want to transform it, break old patterns, and move forward in a real and lasting way, we can help. Take action here.

• How do I overcome erectile dysfunction without drugs? (like Viagra or Cialis)
• What do I do if she's less into sex than me? (a difference in libido, which sometimes involves an arousal disorder)
• My wife had a baby and now intercourse hurts. Are we ever going to have great sex again??
• What if my woman partner has dryness or pain during sex, especially post-menopause? How can I help?

Enter Dr. Soum, founder of science-based sex tech company MysteryVibe. "Childbirth, menopause, recovering from cancer or surgery — in all of these cases, your sex life is affected, and the mystery leaves the bedroom," he says.

But it can come back, people. As one happy couple in their 70s said of using one of their products, "We’ve been married for 30 years and we feel like we’re back in our honeymoon."

Look, the truth is that human bodies are both complicated and simple at the same time. A lot of women contend with anorgasmia, for example, which is just a big word for the inability to orgasm.

But this doesn't have to be a forever state of being. It's totally addressable, as is pain after childbirth. This is especially reassuring given that a whopping 86% of moms have pelvic/vaginal pain, and 50% still have it after 2 years.

None of this has to stay your reality. Pelvic floors are resilient, and so are people. Listen for some serious knowledge-dropping, and sweet inspiration.

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "I love the intersection of humanness and electronics."
• "More and more people are talking about and working on menopause."
• "Orgasms improve your mental health."
• “In most cases, premium sex toys are bought by men for women.”
• "If you make intimacy the only goal, then bringing about change is very easy."

---

To get your hands on the sex toys in question: mysteryvibe.com 

The Women's Health article : This is the One Vibrator That Brought Back My Sex Drive While I Was Taking Antidepressants

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Ready to go beyond the podcast and take action to transform your sex, dating, and relationship life?

Just go to melaniecurtin.com/action and take the leap. We've got you.

The answer is YES. Even if you've been through the wringer. Which Michael Unbroken has. A survivor of poverty, child sexual abuse, domestic violence, and a whole lot more, he has serious legs to stand on when it comes to overcoming adversity. Now an expert on complex PTSD (cPTSD) and a life coach for trauma survivors, he asserts that:

"The number one shift you can make in your healing journey is asking for help and getting the support that you need and deserve to break free of generational curses, childhood trauma, and the pain of the past."

Amen.

If you or someone you've dated has a trauma background, this is one you'll want to listen to.

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• “You’re better off going in the wrong direction than no direction at all.”
• "Fear is the very thing that both keeps us safe and keeps us stuck. That’s a hard thing to reconcile."
• "Dating can be like warfare."
• "Go to professionals."
• "I absolutely love my life now."

---

The ACE survey mentioned on this episode (based on the Adverse Childhood Experiences study)

Michael's site: https://www.thinkunbroken.com/

Ready to go beyond the podcast?

We love to work with men who are ready to do the work! If something isn't working in your sex or love life and you want to transform it, break old patterns, and move forward in a real and lasting way, we can help. Take action here.

So says Alli, self-proclaimed theater geek and creator of Love Isn’t Blind — a new dating show where 4 men compete for 1 woman, and the men can’t speak. She's also the creator of the dating show where celebrities read your breakup texts.

What's especially interesting is that as someone reading hundreds of applications to her dating show, Alli has a fascinating breadth of experience when it comes to what men are looking for in women, and vice versa. As she says, "When you ask people what they want in a partner, it's revealing to hear what they lead with."

Here we talk about sex, dating, relationships, being a wingwoman or wingman (hint: if you're in a relationship, your job isn't over! Help out a shy or introverted person and you'll feel great about yourself). We also discuss how hot men are who are openminded, working on themselves and "secretly in men's groups." ;)

You'll want to listen to this fun and lively one!

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "In a post-pandemic world, there's a strong desire and real need for people to meet in person."
• "Looks are a weird thing." 
• "There's a certain freedom men feel to talk to me about dating when I’m not on a date with them."
• "We’re all making the same mistakes!"
• "I wanted something that would get people rowdy and meeting each other."

Mentioned on this episode:

• allisongoldberg.com
• howtobreakupbytext.com 
• loveisntblind.co (Love Isn't Blind happens live ever first Friday in LA, and Alli is also launching a tour soon, so if you're interested in being kept up to date, sign up for her newsletter.)

We've seen couples get hot sex back! (often better than ever). We've seen closeness and intimacy be reestablished, often more intensely than had ever been true before.

But before this renewal period, there was suffering. Often in the form of reverse polarity. Especially if you identify as a Nice Guy, you may have experienced reverse polarity in relationship -- where she's more in her masculine, and he's more in his feminine. This can be a painful place to be. Both people suffer.

And the path back is not necessarily what you'd think. For example, men say, "I’ve been doing everything to please my partner, and it just seems to make it worse ... " because as it turns out, pleasing and appeasing her doesn't actually generate polarity.

Or they say, "It's not exactly that there's something wrong, but we're not having sex. We watch movies, we go on walks, we get along ... but we don't have that spark."

Here we talk about polarity, what it looks like when it's going well, what it looks like when it's not, and how to regenerate it when it's lost. Whether you're in a dating relationship or married, if you've ever experienced losing that erotic charge in your relationship and you didn't know how to get it back, this is one to listen to.

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "I wanted to do the right thing in my relationship, but I didn't know how. I was close to giving up. Shutting down. Pulling away."
• "Those feelings, that desire ... there’s something enlivening when we feel our partner wanting us."
• "We are slowly becoming the couple we dreamed about when we were dating."

Ready to go beyond the podcast?

We love to work with men who are ready to do the work!

If something isn't working in your sex or love life and you want to transform it, break old patterns, and move forward in a real and lasting way, we can help.

Take action here.

Whether you're in a dating relationship or a long-term, committed relationship like a marriage, this is a very common relationship pattern. It can be easy for women to be critical or share feedback in ways that are not at all constructive (sometimes even bullying). And it can be easy for a man, when he feels he has let down/disappointed his partner, to get defensive or withdraw (or both), which can trigger even more upset. This, then, can affect your sex life as well as your emotional intimacy.

How do two people meet in the middle here? How does she soften and share feedback in an openhearted way, and how does he receive it without collapsing and/or entering into a shame spiral?

The good news is that it is possible to grow here, and for both partners to meet each other in the middle.

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "Hearing that nothing was ever good enough for her made me withdrawal into passivity and inaction. Why do anything for her when I’m always going to be shot down for trying?"
• "One of the masculine’s main fears: We can’t provide enough, we’re not emotional enough, we’re not communicating enough … we’re not enough."
• "I felt deeply met by him when he did that ... it was the first time I'd ever felt fully expressed that way with a man."

Mentioned on this episode:

Dear Men episode 128: Recognizing the signs of Borderline Personality Disorder

Ready to go beyond the podcast?

We love to work with men who are ready to do the work!

If something isn't working in your sex or love life and you want to transform it, break old patterns, and move forward in a real and lasting way, we can help.

Take action here.

Dr. Tara grew up in sexually conservative Thailand, and went through her own sexual awakening over the course of years. Here we cover her fun, sexy journey from Catholic schoolgirl to full-on, liberated tenured professor of sexual communication -- not to mention her happy relationship to her current husband.

We also talk about trust and safety in relationship, the 3 questions to include in a "sexual check-in" in a relationship, how a sex store in LA changed Dr. Tara's life, and how to be hot instead of creepy when it comes to dick pics.

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• “I married a resume husband that I never had sexual chemistry with.”
• “Shock and awe — there are so many cock sizes!?”
• “I didn’t have enough sexual self-esteem to pursue what was right for me.”
• “One of the best ways to help women feel more sexually empowered is to encourage self-pleasure.”

---

Mentioned on this episode:

• Dr. Tara's site
• Better Sex Through Mindfulness by Lori Brotto
• 5-minute sexual meditation on YouTube

And straight men on dating apps also have to contend with the fact that they tend to get far fewer messages and responses and attention overall than women. It can be painful.

We want to make it easier and smoother! There's a lot out there for men about what not to do, but what about what to do when it comes to the dating apps, sex, and building a relationship? Here, we go over how we love to be approached on the apps, with real examples of men who've done it well. Yes, it can be done — and it may be easier than you think.

If you've ever wondered what it's like to be a woman on Hinge, Bumble, Tinder, OKCupid, Plenty of Fish, Coffee Meets Bagel, Match, eHarmony, or any of the other dating apps, check this one out.

The fact is, when you're healthy and vital, you're more attractive. You also want to have sex more (your libido goes up). You're more likely to go for what you want in dating. And you show up as the best version of yourself in long-term, committed relationships like marriages. You inspire those around you. You've got what you need to go after your goals.

Martial artist and masculine vitality expert Michael Holt has a lived experience of feeling energetically depleted and emotionally down. Yet he turned things around and now helps other men do the same. There are both physical as well as emotional landscapes involved in boosting your energy. The good news? You can be more vital, strong, healthy, and alive than you ever have been -- no matter how old you are.

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• “The primary regulation strategy in this culture is distraction.”
• “Why am I in the desert with a bunch of damn hippies? Oh my God, have I become a hippie?”
• “The highest act of service is healing yourself.”

Michael's IG: @savageandsaint

Jackie was actually married twice, in two traditional, monogamous relationships (with kids), before she connected with John — or, in fact, reconnected with him, since they actually went to high school together.

By that point, John was running several clubs for swingers, and Jackie was curious to hear more. She went on a deep dive in researching monogamy, ethical non-monogamy (open relationships), how people "do" swinging and/or other sexual exploration in a way that feels authentic and true to them, and more.

The two then built a beautiful relationship based on openness, trust, and true vulnerability.

If you've ever wondered how exactly it "works" in a relationship that's more open, where you can play with other people (i.e. have full-on sex or just to be sexual some way), listen to this. According to Jackie and John, it can actually bring you closer, with tremendous personal growth.

In particular, when you don't have to cut off that part of you that engages with the spark of life, things get fun and fiery. Flirting, ethical non-monogamy, jealousy, fulfillment, love, and healthy relationships can all coexist, and bring even more joy and magic into your world.

Notable quotes from this episode:

• “I assumed that once I got married, my partner and I would be 100% satisfied.” 
• “Monogamy never really felt like ‘me.’”
• “If you’re able to walk through your fear you become a stronger person — more whole.”
• “One of the greatest gifts was it allowed me to get in touch with how I viewed myself, how I can grow, how I can feel confident in my relationship.”
• “We’re very conscious of what we do in our relationship. We want both of us to be operating from the best place.”

Many of these men have to hide their emotions and/or vulnerability at work, and/or are in jobs like software development or IT that have them at a computer, isolated, all day long. Any and all of this can take a toll, and impact your love life.

When it comes to sex and relationships, it can be challenging to navigate this kind of thing. How do you balance a crazy work schedule with dating, or drop in with your woman relationship partner when you've spent all day in your head?

The truth is, if the very thing that makes you great at what you do makes it harder to connect with women, you've got to make some adjustments. The good news? They're doable, and will lead to healthier, more sustainable and sexier relationships overall.

Why are French women more likely to tell a man what they like or don't like in bed? How do you approach a European vs. North American woman, and why does that feel so different? Why is the fear of being creepy so prevalent in North America?

After writing his first book, Love Like the French, Blaise also received hundreds of letters from American and Canadian women asking for dating and relationship advice. We also discuss the fascinating world of what kinds of things the women wrong in about -- and what all men can take from that.

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "You go to Barcelona, love is on the subway."
• "Treat your partner like she’s your best customer."
• "In France, women are very outspoken."
• "Sex doesn't start in the bedroom."

Guy's site: The French Perspective, which includes his books Love Like the French and Love Like a Man

This is known as the "relationship escalator," and it can sometimes feel like the only choice out there.

But what if you got off the escalator? What about the many relationships that fit outside that norm? What if, for example, you want to have kids but your partner doesn't -- and instead of breaking up, you and a close friend become co-parents?

Amy Gahran has interviewed hundreds of people who've gotten off the relationship escalator and are engaging in creative relationships of all kinds. If you've ever wondered what else was possible, you'll want to listen to this.

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "More is possible."
• "You have options. And even if you want to keep doing what you're doing, make it a conscious choice."
• "Cultivate the skill to re-negotiate because I can guarantee that at some point you're going to need to."

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Amy's site: https://offescalator.com/

This is often a subtle pattern, but it's one we've seen in a number of our clients. Some have got a pretty good relationship with pretty good sex, but the sense that the level of depth and closeness with their partner could be much richer. Others have experienced success in certain aspects of life (i.e. job/career), and are struggling because it almost seems a bit "selfish" to want or expect more. But they yearn for, yes, more.

If you've ever had a gnawing feeling of emptiness, or a growing suspicion that there's MORE to be experienced in your life, you're not alone. And you're not wrong. We frequently find that the men showing up with this kind of pattern do have a way out, and that what's waiting on the other side of the path forward is more glorious than perhaps they were even anticipating.

Rites of passage are critical to our development as humans ... but they're sorely missing from mainstream culture. Indigenous cultures and first nations have much to teach here.

A big issue in mainstream culture is that there's little guidance for dads on how to guide boys into becoming the healthy masculine. There's a lot of talk about toxic masculinity; we know what we don't want, but how do we teach boys what we do want?

Luke Entrup's son is 11 years old, about to be 12. And his question has been, "How do I do my part to raise a good man?" So he's leading a rite of passage retreat for fathers and sons -- specifically, fathers and sons where the boys are aged 10-14.

Here we discuss rites of passage across the ages, the relationship between fathers and sons; how to have a healthy connection with men; what it means to be a healthy dad; how to help teenage boys resist the cultural programming that "Any form of emotion is a sign of weakness, and if you show it you’ll get torn up socially"?; and how to raise good men.

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "A fear a lot men have is, 'Your power is dangerous. You hurt people.'"
• "Initiation takes a level of bravery."
• "As men, pain turns into numbness. Numbness turns into rage. And beneath it all is the pain of the past."
• "How do I show up as a good dad?"

For more info on the retreat:

The Father-Son Connection Experience: A Rite-of-Passage for Boys and Their Father-Figures

Luke's website and podcast

Jason, a self-proclaimed recovering Nice Guy, goes through the steps related to overcoming Nice Guy Syndrome. Instead of being a Nice Guy, there's a new archetype: the Kind Man.

Overcoming Nice Guy Syndrome includes addressing the pattern of rumination (being in your head a lot, obsessing about what the right thing to do is); addressing the need to please (i.e. not rocking the boat); as well as even figuring out know what you want in the first place. A lot of our clients report having trouble even figuring out what they want at first, which makes it a lot harder to get it!

Fortunately you don't have to stay stuck in Nice Guy Syndrome forever -- there are concrete steps to take to overcome this pattern and feel your sense of freedom and power around sex, dating, relationships, work, and life overall.

1. How do I approach a woman at the gym or grocery store or other public place?
2. How do I approach someone I work with to date? 
3. What do I do if I contend with erectile dysfunction (ED) or premature ejaculation (PE) and find that that blocks me from even approaching women at all?
4. Which dating app should I use, and how do I regulate myself around the apps (i.e. not checking them all the time)?

Here, I answer all four of these questions. I address the common pattern I find in the men I work with around not wanting to "bother" women, and describe how to respectfully approach a woman in a public environment.

I also cover how to lead a conversation with a coworker around asking her out. There are certain things you can bring up that will have her feel safe and desired at the same time. I also talk about the tricky nature of navigating power dynamics (she's your manager, or you're hers, for example). As I mention in the episode, social science research suggests that one-third of folks who date someone from work end up marrying that person. So there’s definitely something to be said for it.

And if you find yourself not even approaching women at all because you're still looking to overcome erectile dysfunction (ED) or premature ejaculation (PE), then definitely take a listen! I don't think this needs to block you from dating; you can simply communicate with women about it in a way that feels good to both you and them, and I give you some language on how to do just that.

Finally, I talk about which dating apps I recommend, why, and how we recommend clients handle the use of them (i.e. how to avoid being on them constantly).

Note: This episode is an experiment. I'm testing it out to see if this is valuable, so let me know! If you find it helpful or you have a question of your own you'd like answered, hit me up at dearmenpodcast at gmail.com. I'm listening!

Many men we work with have found themselves dating or even marrying women who approached them — in other words, they haven’t felt empowered to go after the women they really wanted.

But this often means that they’re not the ones choosing to get into the relationship — sometimes they’ve fallen into it. Here, we talk about sex, dating, relationships, and choice. Because often, when we think we’re stuck or can’t get what we want, we’re really talking about how to work with our anxious/avoidant attachment style. Fortunately it’s more than possible to do so, heal trauma, and enjoy a flourishing sex and love life.

A few things that made the cut: blow jobs, being tied up, oral sex (him going down on her), intercourse, destination sex, getting wet, anticipation, kink, and "The Jump-Off Guy" (you're definitely gonna wanna hear about that one!).

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "He had me blindfolded so he was like, 'I'm going to take care of you, and I'm going to do all the work.'" ;)
• "You know when you meet up with an ex and it's like, 'Do we or don't we?'"
• "He was very curious and made sure to know what I liked and what I didn't like."

Many of our single clients want to be confident with women. Yet many men report getting triggered before any kind of interaction at all. Thoughts like these interrupt:

• "Why would she ever be into me?"
• "I don't even like my body. Why would she like my body?"
• "I’m 35 and not married yet. What's wrong with me?"

Underlying all of these kinds of thoughts is the issue of worthiness. We've all heard the adage that you've got to be able to love yourself before you're truly able to love another — but how do you get there? How do you overcome deep-seating self-loathing? The feeling of never being enough is an exhausting one to carry around. Fortunately, you don't have to keep shouldering that burden alone.

For example, here are a few thoughts Jason used to have: "Why would she ever want me? I don't have enough experience. I don't get why she'd pick me over other guys."

Now he's married to a woman who cherishes and respects him, and is a heathy father to boot. The truth is, overcoming the freeze response is related to your own sense of self-image, as well as your bodymind's capacity to hold intensity. And all of that is changeable, workable, and capable of transformation.

If you've ever had thoughts like, "I'm tired of being alone" or, "I'm scared I'll never meet someone," then this episode will also be relevant for you.

The Dear Men podcast episode mentioned on this episode (on children of neglect): Episode 196: The “invisible” relationship pattern that can affect everything (ft. Jason Lange)

"If you put shame in a Petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence and judgment. If you put the same amount of shame in a Petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can't survive." - Dr. Brené Brown

What's great is that it's not even a difficult skill! A lot of our clients say things like, "Wow, this is easier than I was expecting." But it pays dividends in terms of boosting polarity.

It's also a relevant skill whether you're dating or in a committed relationship. If you want a woman to love spending time with you, get this down. Becoming adept at this skill will have women feel more secure with you and more turned on.

The exquisite hotness of a man with a plan cannot be underestimated.

But open relationship/polyamory can be a confusing and scary thing to bring up. How do you say, "I want us to stay together and date other people" without triggering your relationship partner? That said, different kinds of relationships can actually be a better fit for many. Maybe even you and your partner?

If you've ever wanted to know how to responsibly transition a marriage or other long-term relationship from monogamy to more, listen to this. We explore Joli's work guiding couples through the process of opening up, including how to navigate "the flip." No, this isn't a sex position ;) -- it's when the partner who brought up opening up sometimes becomes less enthusiastic later on.

This can be worked through, of course, as can all the other anxieties or uncertainties associated with the process. And the truth is, a lot of both sexual fulfillment as well as emotional maturity and health can result in the process of opening up.

A few notable quotes from this episode:

• “If my partner wants more, I must not be enough.”
• “We expect monogamy to protect us from jealousy.”
• “If I’m a people-pleaser and you’re a people-pleaser, how come no one is pleased?”
• “I believe that conscious relationships work.”

Books mentioned on this episode:

• Polysecure
• Open Deeply
• Open Monogamy
• Open Relationships by Dr. Liz Powell

Joli's site: joliquiz.com

Real talk: When I feel loved and cherished by my man, little things don't bother me as much. But when I question that love or don't feel cherished, then I feel triggered all the time ... and I don't show up as the warmest, most loving version of myself. (Also we tend to have less sex when we're not in a connected phase.)

This is partly a love language issue. Once we're out of the honeymoon phase during dating, which according to neuroscientists actually lasts close to two years, it can feel like we don't know what went wrong. We used to get along so well; we used to have incredible sex and things felt easy. Now it feels harder.

Our culture doesn't teach this, but a large part of a healthy, conscious relationship involves learning how to love each other well. We're not born knowing that. And love languages are a critical part of this. Love languages are how we feel loved by our partners. We may know intellectually that they care about us, but those warm and safe, connected feelings don't just stick around.

Listen to hear about the five different love languages, the different dialects within them, and how to apply these in a practical way to love your partner better and feel more loved yourself.

Other memorable quotes from this episode:

• "Seafood and me are not friends"
• "First you need the self-awareness around how YOU feel loved"
• "Ultimately we're talking about teaching each other how to love one another well"

When it comes to sex, dating, and relationships, there's a lot of mystery around kink and BDSM. What "counts" as kinky, and how do you talk to your partner about wanting to explore it? How does one even get started in BDSM? Is it all whips and chains, or how does that work exactly!?

We go into all this and more as Sara takes us on her own personal experience going from a pretty vanilla marriage to a full-on kinkster and practiced rope bottom (someone who likes to get tied up). She experiences a tremendous amount of freedom in rope bondage — something that may sound like an oxymoron but actually isn't.

If you've ever wanted to get your freak on or hear an open discussion of exploration and sexual freedom (as well as hear about BDSM for couples), this isn't one to miss. Talking about sexual taboos is all the rage. ;)

Mentioned in this episode:

Shibari: Japanese rope bondage 

FetLife — a popular social media site for those interested in kink and/or BDSM

Rigger: Someone who does the tying in a rope bondage situation

Rope bottom: Someone who is tied up in a rope bondage situation

The fear of approaching a partner for sex is real, and it can actually impact the whole relationship. For example, Jason noticed that after a year of being with a partner, it actually got harder for him to approach her for sex, not easier. Why is this? What's going on?

Here, Jason delves into his own personal experience with trouble initiating sex with partners in the past, and how he resolved it. We also talk about:

• How to keep up your confidence if you've been turned down/felt rejected a few times. It's possible, and we also want to validate your experience of it sucking!
• The magic sauce you can pour on during the day that'll help a woman want to be sexual with you later that night
• How, when you learn how to initiate sex in a more masterful way, it can actually improve your whole relationship, not just the sex

As always, if you've got questions or comments you can get me at dearmenpodcast at gmail dot com!

But men have all kinds of emotions and self-judgment in this area, too. Ever felt like you're not enough? That you're somehow lacking in terms of your appearance? You're not alone!

Whether it's feeling fat, not having six-pack abs, having body hair, or not feeling like your skin color is welcome, there are all sorts of feelings men have around appearance — and we wanted to talk about that. Especially since self-love, self-image, and self-esteem are all directly related to a man's experience of sex, dating, and relationships with women (and whoever they're sexual with).

In this special episode, some of our brave clients also share their own answers to the following:

• Were you ever teased or bullied about your weight or appearance, and how did that impact you? 
• In what ways has your weight or appearance prevented you from going for what you want? 
• If you’ve gone through a body transformation (i.e. losing a bunch of weight or somehow altering your appearance), what was your relationship to your body image like before, and what is it now?

The neglect episode referenced in this episode:

196: The “invisible” relationship pattern that can affect everything (ft. Jason Lange)

Aromatherapy is powerful, and here we outline how essential oils can aid in everything from helping you to calm down, as well as to develop self-love. Whether you're in a dating phase or a committed relationship, the fact is that how you feel about yourself impacts the connection between the two of you, and aromatherapy can be a powerful way of keeping you connected to nature.

There are some essential that can even help you boost your prostate health, reduce anger, and assist with nurturing and self-acceptance.

My favorite quotes from this episode:

• “Plants are for everybody, and flowers are for men, goddamnit.”
• “We want to enhance receptivity.” 

We're witnessing an epidemic of sexless relationships -- some studies put it at 15% of all marriages. When it comes to sex, sensuality, and a woman's erotic essence, it can be easy to lose.

One way this can show up is as mismatched desire. A man wants sex with his woman (i.e. wants to know, "How do I get my wife to have sex with me more?"), but she's not feelin' it. Maybe she feels like her libido is low. Maybe she wants to figure out whether there's something wrong with her -- isn't it her wifely duty to "provide sex" to her husband/man?

Here, we delve into the pattern of losing one's erotic essence as well as the delicious ways to reclaim it. YES, it is possible to get that sexy, sassy, soulful passion back -- both in a relationship as well as just in your own body.

If you’re interested in staying in the loop about the program we reference at the end of this episode, email one of us: dearmanpodcast@gmail.com or Violet at: violet@violetlange.com.

Violet's site: https://violetlange.com/

Where many men are taught to be either passive or aggressive, there is a middle way. And it's hot when men do it. What is it? Leading. Leading isn't being a dominant, aggressive asshole and it's not being a pushover or a doormat. It's being assertive in a healthy way. It's having a basic plan for a date and then being willing to adjust if things come up. It's being willing to lead with vulnerability when it comes to attraction. Here, we go into detail about what our experience has been around sex, dating, relationships, and why we've found it so damn sexy when a man can lead.

Whether you're in a dating relationship, long-term marriage, or somewhere in between, the feminine is mysterious. Many men are baffled by how to relate when it seems like what he's doing is never enough. Why can't she just be satisfied? Why does it feel like she's always poking at you, overreacting to something small, or picking a fight? Why isn't sex easier?

Here, we go into what women are often thinking or wanting in those moments. We outline positive emotional tension (aka conscious tension), and how it can actually strengthen your relationship. And we cover the difference between tussling — healthy, positive emotional tension, which can actually be fun — and unhealthy abuse. This includes knowing the signs of Borderline Personality Disorder and how to avoid partners with BPD. We also go into how loving, conscious dominance can lead to hot sex. ;)

A few memorable quotes from this episode:

• "Having a PhD really didn’t help much when it came to my relationships!"
• “If I've got you arguing with me, at least I’ve got your attention.”
• “We all get needy.”
• "How can a man tell, 'Is it ever going to be enough for her?'"

Resources mentioned on this episode:

• Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) - an evidence-based treatment for Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
• The Wisdom of No Escape by Pema Chodron 

A lot of couples never really talk about their sex life in depth. Sure, maybe one person in the relationship says they'd like to be having more sex. But that's different from having real, raw conversations about what's working, what each person wants more or less of, and what their deep-down turn-ons actually are.

Why? Because it's scary to have these kinds of talks! Whether you're new to dating or you're in a long-term, committed relationship (or even married), it's hard to be open about sexual intimacy. And at the same time, not having honest sex comes at a cost. When you're not real with your partner about sex, you're cutting off a part of yourself. Then you tend to feel more distant. More separate.

So how do you overcome this? How do you talk about sex with your partner in a way that's inviting instead of intimidating? Who brings it up and how? What if you wanna explore BDSM? Here we talk about all that — what it means to be truly honest, and how to elicit your partner’s truth and desires and share your own.

Mentioned on this episode:

Shana's site: https://shanajamescoaching.com/

Maybe you contend with premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, or porn addiction. Maybe you're ashamed of how much you want sex or don't even go after women you really want because you're unsure you'll be able to perform sexually. Maybe you're with a partner but feel like you two could have a way better sex life.

If any of this feels familiar, questions can come up like, "Why am I this way?" And, "How do I grow beyond this?"

A lot of the men we work with are survivors of developmental trauma, aka little-T trauma. Big-T trauma tends to be more "obvious" (domestic violence, sexual abuse, war, etc.). But little-T trauma (developmental trauma) can have equally as big an impact on your nervous system and mind.

And it affects not only how you feel about yourself, but how you operate sexually. One thing that can help these kinds of patterns dramatically is sexological bodywork — a modality that specifically helps with sexuality and overcoming trauma. Here we outline what sexological bodywork is and isn't, as well as somatic sex education.

Yep, we're talking about how to overcome erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, or delayed ejaculation. We're talking about how to stop feeling ashamed of wanting sex, or of feeling like a bad man for even thinking about it. Want to overcome childhood trauma and thrive sexually? Listen on, my friends.

Sites mentioned in this episode:

• Chris Muse's site: www.chris-muse.com
• Alyssa Morin's site: www.alyssamorin.org
• The Verdant Collective: www.theverdantcollective.com (for those who identify as women)
• Directory: https://sexologicalbodyworkers.org/

Men these days are overwhelmingly lonely. Over the past 30 years there has been a drastic drop in rates of friendships for both women and men, but the trend is far more pronounced for men. One study showed that nearly one in three men said they couldn't name a best friend, and a full 18% said they had no close friends at all.

What does this have to do with sex? Well, there aren't a lot of places where modern men get to feel closeness, warmth, and emotional safety. For many, sex with their woman is one of the only places where they can. But this comes at a cost. A lot of men don't realize they're using their woman for sex -- that there's a way they actually need sex with her to feel OK. They aren't conscious of how they're using her for sex.

Intrigued? Take a listen. We talk about this trend we've seen in clients, as well as what to do to address it.

Physical abuse is pretty clear — if someone throws something at you or hits you, you know they're abusive. But what about emotional abuse? The line between her healthy emotional expression and emotional abuse can be blurry sometimes, especially if you're isolated and haven't told anyone about what's going on.

Secrets are rarely healthy, and never when it comes to relationship issues that have you feeling depressed, anxious, or on edge. Whether you're single, in a dating relationship, or married, you should know what's OK to tolerate and what's not. This is also a good episode for anyone who has related with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. We go into the difference between a woman's healthy expression of feelings like disappointment, anger, or frustration — and what crosses the line into abuse.

As a late bloomer, Jason shares his own personal journey around figuring out how women work, what the "open door" signals are, and when to pursue versus stop trying.

I talk about my own personal experience of signaling to a man that I'm into him, and what it looks like when I drop handkerchiefs ("come and get me!" style). We also talk about the importance of striking while the iron is hot when it comes to sex, dating, and relationships. Oh, and of course there's a bit about eye contact in Da Club. ;)

It can be hard to handle it when your partner is doing better than you in a certain way, because while you want to be happy for them, you may also wish you had that great job, opportunity, money boost, etc. As a man, this may hit extra-hard if you feel like you "should" be the one to contribute more financially. (What if she makes more than you?)

The fact is, if you're in a long-term relationship, each of you is going to go through different seasons in life. Sometimes one of you will be up, and the other will be down in a certain area. So whether you're dating or in a long-term relationship, this dynamic is worth exploring. Believe it or not, it can actually bring the two of you closer together if you remain awake, aware, and are willing to engage in conscious dialogue.

When you're cohabitating, parenting, running a household together, and dealing with life's everyday stressors, sexy time can fall by the wayside. While sex is vital in a healthy relationship, desire can seem to fade.

The good news? It is possible to get that hot sexy spark back. Here, we discuss Alicia's personal experience with that, as well as in her many clients. In her words, "the loss of the chemistry is the primary complaint when people come work with us." But it doesn't have to stay that way.

Mentioned on this episode:

For access to the Pleasure Course, text 415-308-9580 or email alicia@erwandavon.com or go to: https://erwandavon.com/inquire/

If so, you're not alone -- for many men, one of the most painful experiences in long-term relationships is feeling like their partner is just "letting" them have sex with them, but doesn't really want to be doing it. It can be immensely lonely, not to mention demoralizing.

Fortunately things don't have to stay this way. Here, we talk about the loneliness inherent in this kind of sexual and relational dynamic, and how to come out of it. If you've ever wanted to be closer with your wife or partner but haven't known how to get there, this is one to listen to.

Ever had trouble asserting yourself in relationship, or telling the full truth, or asking for what you really want?

This SPECIAL EPISODE goes into all that and more. Our first mosaic episode, these brave men all share their answers to three questions:

• What's a major lesson you learned in your last relationship?
• What's a sexual challenge you've had and how have you addressed it?
• Why do you choose to do consciousness work?

If you've ever wanted to hear the raw truth from other men on the path, then get in here. I couldn't be more proud of these men and their vulnerability, growth, humor, and love.

Whether you're dating, married, or somewhere in between, if you’re always at the mercy of your woman’s feelings, your life can feel out of control. And “feminine storm” is not an excuse for her to rail at you. There are both toxic and healthy expressions of upset, and you’ve got to know the difference in order to stay safe (and keep your kids safe).

That said, holding space for a woman’s hurt is one of the most profound ways you can serve her. It’s also deeply bonding. Learn to do this skillfully, and you can experience true freedom in relationship. Your ability to hold space for — and even elicit — her full range of expression also leads to hotter sex. ;) When she feels deeply heard, seen, and known, even in her "big" feelings, she wants to open to you like a big, beautiful flower.

If your sex and love life hasn't worked — i.e. you often attract chaotic partners; or you can't seem to screw up the courage to approach the women you really want; or you just keep getting ghosted no matter what— then you may have a father wound.

Here we go over 3 common archetypes around the father wound and what their impact is on a man. This includes dads who either physically or emotionally absent, as well alcoholics and those who had a mental health issue like depression/anxiety.

The good news? It's more than possible to overcome the father wound and grow into the healthy masculine. We specifically lay out the concrete strategy you can use to prevail over this wound. Yes, it takes work to get there, but it's totally achievable — and worth it.

• “If I didn’t initiate sex with my woman, we’d never have it.”
• “My partner doesn’t want sex as much as me.”
• “I sometimes feel like she only has sex with me because she feels like she has to."

If so, you’re not alone. This is a painful problem in a relationship. When you feel like your partner is constantly turning you down, that rejection button just keeps getting hit over and over. It can be excruciating.

Why is this happening and what can you do about it? Here, we break down the pattern, where it can stem from, and steps you may need to take. The truth is, if you constantly feel anxious, depressed, or stressed due to your relationship, it may not be healthy.

If you’re longing for more intimacy — not just sexual intimacy, but closeness — in your marriage or committed relationship, give this a listen.

So begins this episode about what it's like to attract the wrong kind of women repeatedly ... and then do something different to get a different result.

The root of the word "familiar" is family — what we learn in the family is familiar. So what did you learn in your family system, and is it serving you now in your ability to form healthy attachments with romantic partners?

If you didn't have good role models, fear not! You can un-learn what you learned in the past. It is possible to grow, heal, and attract healthy partners. If you've ever felt like giving up on love, or you just don't understand relationships, or dating or sex or any of it -- listen to this.

“Living without love in your life” mentioned in this episode: https://lovelifelearningcenter.com/how-to-live-without-love-in-your-life/

If this is you, then one thing to include in your awareness is your family lineage. You likely know your parents had a massive impact on who you became. But did you know you can carry legacy burdens from grandparents and even older ancestors?

Family constellations, or family systems constellations, is one of the deepest and most profound modalities I've ever come across. It's a kind of somatic therapy -- a way of healing on a body level, in community. Listen to learn how family constellations can help with chronic and seemingly intractable patterns like attachment issues, feelings of isolation and abandonment, and even the desire to die.

Books mentioned in this episode:

The Constellation Approach: Finding peace through your family lineage

Even If It Costs Me My Life: Systematic Constellations and Serious Illness

---

How to overcome anxious attachment; how to overcome avoidant attachment; how to deal with anxious/avoidant attachment; how to become securely attached; how to get to secure attachment.

Whether you identify as a woman or man or something else, if you're doing the dating thing after 40, things can feel intimidating. Even if you're not divorced and just getting back out there, things can be hard —especially on the apps! Questions like, "What DO I want?" are appropriate. On this episode we cover things like:

• What's it like being single again after years or even decades of being married?
• What do you do when you've done everything society says you should do, but you still feel empty, or some sense of, "Is this all there is?"
• Can I be a feminist and still be submissive in sex (or dominant)?
• What exactly is ethical non-monogamy (ENM) and why is it gaining popularity?

Articles mentioned in this episode:

• One Woman’s Guide to Feeld, the Alternative Dating App (https://bit.ly/3tYvaMX)
• You should date a younger man -- really (https://bit.ly/3yfvDNj)

Then he went to an in-person men's workshop. Within twenty minutes of work with a mentor, he got to a place he hadn't gotten to in 3 years of talk therapy. It was a transformative experience that released something that had been stuck in him for decades. In a way, it set him free and set him up for the life he actually wanted to lead.

Why is in-person men's work important? What's different about live personal growth work?

If whatever had the thought, "Whatever I'm doing isn't working," you're not alone. And it doesn't have to stay that way. Give this a listen. It might just change the game.

• You just don't know what you're doing when it comes to dating (or sex, or relationships)
• Getting along really well with women in general but when it comes to initiating with a woman you like, you freeze up
• Wondering how to approach women without being creepy

Whether you're a late bloomer, you feel like you're lagging behind and other guys know how to do this better, or you're just unsure in this area of your life, you're not alone!

Here, four real men get personal with respect to how much they used to not know what to do when it came to sex, dating, or relationships with women.

Then they go into how far they've come! Several are actively dating or in a relationship now, and they get specific about what changed that had them feel more secure.

It turns out things get a lot easier when you figure out how, as a man, to lead in life and love in a way that's genuinely authentic to who you are (not some pickup artist nonsense).

If you're looking for a little hope and inspiration, this isn't one to miss! Also you don't want to miss one man's description in this episode of "somewhat coed situations." ;)

Weston Karnes created the game Let's Get Real Bro to help make it really accessible for guys to connect with each other. Questions like, “If you were dating yourself, what parts would really suck?” -- are not ones you'd normally pose to your guy friends, but they can make conversations deeper, richer, and, well, funnier. If you've been feeling like there's something "off" in your sex, dating, or love life but can't put your finger on it, take a listen. There may be something here.

Social anxiety, including the common, sometimes crushing anxiety that comes from being around women you're attracted to, is extremely possible. Here, one man describes his experience overcoming such social anxiety, which included delving deep into the pickup artist community (PUA). We talk about why pick-up "techniques" didn't work for him, and what worked a whole hell of a lot better. Within months of engaging with women in the new way he learned, he was ethically dating multiple women, and is now in a relationship with a girlfriend he cares about deeply. It can be done, and the path there might not be what you expect.

Brian's YouTube channel (mentioned in this episode): https://www.youtube.com/c/BrianAyers23

Article mentioned in this episode: https://www.lovemyanxiousbrain.com/childhood-emotional-neglect-romantic-relationships/

Kenneth's site: https://kennethplay.com/

To find Tracy's podcast: https://tracycrossley.com/podcast/

Benjamin & Azrya's site: https://www.beqoming.me

Their IG: @beqoming

Violet's site: https://violetlange.com/

Jason's site: https://evolutionary.men/

My sex research and course mentioned in this episode: www.pleaseherinbed.com

It takes a lot of trust for someone to let you know this is part of their history. And if she does tell you, or the two of you discover this, what then? When your wife or girlfriend is a survivor of sexual trauma (child sexual abuse, rape, sexual assault), it affects your sex life. For example, how do you balance your own need for a vibrant, healthy sex life if she clearly doesn't want to talk about it? Here, we discuss how to navigate this dynamic, including both supporting your woman and speaking up about your own sexual needs.

Books referenced in this episode:

• Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma by Peter Levine & Ann Frederick

• In an Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness by Peter Levine & Gabor Mate

• How do you maintain your confidence to keep approaching even when you've been turned down a few times? (Rejection can be a bitch.)
• What helps a woman open up sexually during the day that has her want to get down and dirty with you later that night?
• How you can improve your relationship by initiating sex more skillfully

If you've ever wondered, "How do I get my wife to have more sex with me" you'll want to give this a listen.

Getting to Zero: How to Work Through Conflict in Your High-Stakes Relationships: https://www.gettingtozerobook.com/

Mentioned on this podcast:

Somatica Institute: https://www.somaticainstitute.com/

Books: Cockfidence, Making Love Real, and Coming Together

Mentioned on this episode:

MAPS (Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies): https://maps.org/

Johns Hopkins Center for Psychedelic & Consciousness Research: https://hopkinspsychedelic.org/

Mentioned in the episode:

• Why Sex Dies and How to Make Love & Sex Work in a Long-term Relationship: www.irenefehr.com/start-here-sex-coaching
• Website: www.irenefehr.com

Processing trauma as efficiently as possible requires you to include the body. Healing happens in the body, not just the mind. Somatic therapy like the one we discuss here (Network Spinal Analysis) helps your nervous system heal from anxious attachment, and more. Remember that you don't need to be perfect; you just need to be willing to grow so you can be present in sex, dating, or relationships now. Personal growth DOES work when you do the work. <3

DROP-IN MEN'S GROUP COMING UP: Monday, June 14, 7:30pm PST $20 evolutionary.men/events

Books referenced in this episode:

Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma, by Peter Levine & Ann Frederick

In an Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness, by Peter Levine & Gabor Mate

DROP-IN MEN'S GROUP THIS MONDAY, MAY 3 (referenced in the episode): https://evolutionary.men/event/drop-in-mens-group-5-03-21/

• Should I give up on someone if I don't feel the "spark" right away? (i.e. not even go on a second date)
• What are the most important attributes I should look for if I want a healthy, happy relationship?
• How do I sort through all the many choices on the dating apps to find worthwhile matches? (This is especially interesting, since Ury now works for dating app Hinge)

All this, plus Ury outlines the 3 different categories she has repeatedly seen in different daters (essentially the "3 types" of daters.) Which one are you? Whether you're single or in a couple at the moment, you'll get a lot out of this lively scientific discussion on sex, dating, relationships, and love -- and you might even learn How to Not Die Alone.