Today we're going to introduce you to the concept of restorative justice. Our guest today is Marlee Liss. You may not have heard of her, unless you closely follow what's happening in the justice system concerning sexual assault.

But her voice is a strong one. As difficult and life-changing as her rape was for her, she describes the process of restorative justice as being equally healing and satisfying.

Order The Perfectly Hidden Depression Workbook - A stand-alone workbook exploring the ten traits of Perfectly Hidden Depression, with guided exercises to help you decide what to keep from your drive and perfectionism, and what to let go.

Be a part of the conversation and join Dr. Margaret’s newsletter for one weekly email featuring the latest blog post and podcast episode.

Have a question or comment? Send a voice message for possible use on the podcast. By recording, you give permission for your voice to be used on SelfWork!

These are the questions we're going to answer today on SelfWork.

Here's leading author Angela Duckworth 's definition of grit, described in her Ted talk.

"Grit is passion and perseverance for very long-term goals. Grit is having stamina. Grit is sticking with your future, day in, day out, not just for the week, not just for the month, but for years, and working really hard to make that future a reality. Grit is living life like it's a marathon, not a sprint."

Order The Perfectly Hidden Depression Workbook - A stand-alone workbook exploring the ten traits of Perfectly Hidden Depression, with guided exercises to help you decide what to keep from your drive and perfectionism, and what to let go.

 Be a part of the conversation and join Dr. Margaret’s newsletter for one weekly email featuring the latest blog post and podcast episode.

 Have a question or comment? Send a voice message for possible use on the podcast. By recording, you give permission for your voice to be used on SelfWork!

My guest today, Dr. Tara Cousineau, is an expert on perfectionism's treatment. She's a clinical psychologist, as well as a yogi and mom. And she's a staff psychologist at Harvard's Counseling and Mental Health Services. There are certainly a lot of perfectionists there. She's written a book, which I read cover to cover -The Perfectionist’s Dilemma: Learn the Art of Self-Compassion and Become a Happy Achiever. And it's wonderful.

Order my new The Perfectly Hidden Depression Workbook - A stand-alone workbook exploring the ten traits of Perfectly Hidden Depression, with guided exercises to help you decide what to keep from your drive and perfectionism, and what to let go.

 Be a part of the conversation and join Dr. Margaret’s newsletter for one weekly email featuring the latest blog post and podcast episode.

Have a question or comment? Send a voice message for possible use on the podcast. By recording, you give permission for your voice to be used on SelfWork!

Even though we live in a world that repeatedly suggests you can’t be happy or feel valuable if you don’t have a partner, or followers, or live in a certain neighborhood or wear certain clothes or be thin – or countless other things that we’re supposed to chase to prove our worth – if you love yourself – that’s internal. That’s not dependent on anyone or anything but you.

Order The Perfectly Hidden Depression Workbook - A stand-alone workbook exploring the ten traits of Perfectly Hidden Depression, with guided exercises to help you decide what to keep from your drive and perfectionism, and what to let go.

Publishes April 1^st!   

Be a part of the conversation and join Dr. Margaret’s newsletter for one weekly email featuring the latest blog post and podcast episode. 

Have a question or comment? Send a voice message for possible use on the podcast. By recording, you give permission for your voice to be used on SelfWork!

This episode is kind of a grab bag; one comment from a woman who loved Anne Burrell (as a response to a piece I wrote about her), another from a young man in an arranged marriage whose mother is harsh and who he feels very controlled by.

Then I’m also bringing in some comments from the TEDx on perfectly hidden depression – they’re so relatable and hit to the core of the message.

And... my new workbook was published on April 1st and is now available to you! If your drive is driving you, if you have to keep people from sensing that you may struggle, if you're someone who keeps tight emotional control always... this workbook may be for you!

By the way... 

Send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

When you know that you have people that you can count on to be there for you when you need them, who you feel solidly connected to. that knowledge can offer a kind of grounding that's unshakeable.

Dr. Margaret invites Marisa Franco to SelfWork to discuss how she discovered this for herself, how friendships have provided her with steady caring and acceptance, and how she uses the science of attachment to help you understand how to create and keep friendships in your life.

Pre-order The Perfectly Hidden Depression Workbook - A stand-alone workbook exploring the ten traits of Perfectly Hidden Depression, with guided exercises to help you decide what to keep from your drive and perfectionism, and what to let go.

Publishes April 1^st! Pre-orders matter!

 Be a part of the conversation and join Dr. Margaret’s newsletter for one weekly email featuring the latest blog post and podcast episode.

 Have a question or comment? Send a voice message for possible use on the podcast. By recording, you give permission for your voice to be used on SelfWork!

In this enlightening episode, Dr. Margaret speaks with Ashley Stahl, the author of the best-selling book, You Turn: Get Unstuck, Discover Your Direction, Design Your Dream Career . They delve deep into the complexities of career choices and the transformative journey of discovering your true calling - one that more exactly fits with your core values. Throughout this conversation, listeners will gain invaluable insights on how to navigate these choices effectively and achieve outcomes that bring joy and fulfillment.

Pre-order The Perfectly Hidden Depression Workbook - A stand-alone workbook exploring the ten traits of Perfectly Hidden Depression, with guided exercises to help you decide what to keep from your drive and perfectionism, and what to let go.

Publishes April 1^st!  Pre-orders matter!

 Be a part of the conversation and join Dr. Margaret’s newsletter for one weekly email featuring the latest blog post and podcast episode.

 Have a question or comment? Send a voice message for possible use on the podcast. By recording, you give permission for your voice to be used on SelfWork!

Suicide is hard for all, and horrific for others. Why? Because someone they loved died by suicide, and they were absolutely shocked.

Not that suicide isn't always extremely hard on those that loved the person who took their own life. But when you suspect nothing... the emotions that come are hard to understand and accept.

Whether you're a parent, a wife, a friend, a partner - the question of why they couldn't tell you what they were going through can haunt you.

Maybe the concept of perfectly hidden depression can help.

Pre-order The Perfectly Hidden Depression Workbook - A stand-alone workbook exploring the ten traits of Perfectly Hidden Depression, with guided exercises to help you decide what to keep from your drive and perfectionism, and what to let go.

Publishes April 1^st!  Pre-orders matter!

 Be a part of the conversation and join Dr. Margaret’s newsletter for one weekly email featuring the latest blog post and podcast episode.

 Have a question or comment? Send a voice message for possible use on the podcast. By recording, you give permission for your voice to be used on SelfWork!

This week, Dr. Margaret Rutherford is republishing her interview with Terri Cheney who writes about her own battle with bipolar disorder. Sometimes she's won that battle. But not every time. And she talks about mixed episodes, which are harder to understand and certainly harder to live through.

Pre-order The Perfectly Hidden Depression Workbook - A stand-alone workbook exploring the ten traits of Perfectly Hidden Depression, with guided exercises to help you decide what to keep from your drive and perfectionism, and what to let go.

Publishes April 1^st!  Pre-orders matter!

 Be a part of the conversation and join Dr. Margaret’s newsletter for one weekly email featuring the latest blog post and podcast episode.

 Have a question or comment? Send a voice message for possible use on the podcast. By recording, you give permission for your voice to be used on SelfWork!

Dr. Theresa Lyons, a scientist and autism parent and expert, has lived this life. She and Dr. Margaret discuss what it was like, how she coped, and the professional and personal advice she has to offer.

Dr. Lyons own words on discovering the autism diagnosis...

"I knew something was wrong with my daughter. I just had this intuition. This knowing. That things just weren’t going right. My daughter was developing but there was just something not right. I had a nagging feeling and everyone kept telling me to ignore it and that everything’s fine but I ignored myself and that’s what I get really mad about."

Pre-order The Perfectly Hidden Depression Workbook - A stand-alone workbook exploring the ten traits of Perfectly Hidden Depression, with guided exercises to help you decide what to keep from your drive and perfectionism, and what to let go.

Publishes April 1^st!  Pre-orders matter!

 Be a part of the conversation and join Dr. Margaret’s newsletter for one weekly email featuring the latest blog post and podcast episode.

Have a question or comment? Send a voice message for possible use on the podcast. By recording, you give permission for your voice to be used on SelfWork!

.

Five paralyzing consequences of self-blame... 

• You were blamed as a child so it's become part of your own punishing self-critic which can lead to self-sabotage.
• You were manipulated or are being abused and you take the blame to "keep the peace" and become submissive.
• You take the blame for something that's happened to you in order to irrationally regain some sense of control.
• You're perfectionistic and are constantly looking for even the smallest of mistakes that your inner critic pounces on to shame and blame you.
• You need affirmation so you take blame that doesn't belong to you as a way of getting that kind of attention.

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Click HERE for the NEXT GEN offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your new subscription

Pre-order The Perfectly Hidden Depression Workbook - A stand-alone workbook exploring the ten traits of Perfectly Hidden Depression, with guided exercises to help you decide what to keep from your drive and perfectionism, and what to let go.

Publishes April 1^st!  Pre-orders matter! 

Be a part of the conversation and join Dr. Margaret’s newsletter for one weekly email featuring the latest blog post and podcast episode.

 Have a question or comment? Send a voice message for possible use on the podcast. By recording, you give permission for your voice to be used on SelfWork!

Written by celebrity and renowned clinical and forensic psychologist Dr. Peter J. Favaro, “Bad People Bible” combines real-life stories, psychological insights, and actionable strategies to help people recognize toxic individuals and get out of relationships with narcissists and manipulators.

Dr. Favaro explained in in this interviews how many narcissists employ incredibly debilitating and manipulative strategies to their partners in marriage. And how very difficult it can be to get out of those marriages. He's seen it all.

As he said, "I'm cynical - I swim in very toxic waters."

Pre-order The Perfectly Hidden Depression Workbook - A stand-alone workbook exploring the ten traits of Perfectly Hidden Depression, with guided exercises to help you decide what to keep from your drive and perfectionism, and what to let go.

Publishes April 1^st! Pre-orders matter!

 Be a part of the conversation and join Dr. Margaret’s newsletter for one weekly email featuring the latest blog post and podcast episode.

 Have a question or comment? Send a voice message for possible use on the podcast. By recording, you give permission for your voice to be used on SelfWork!

Pre-order The Perfectly Hidden Depression Workbook - A stand-alone workbook exploring the ten traits of Perfectly Hidden Depression, with guided exercises to help you decide what to keep from your drive and perfectionism, and what to let go.

Publishes April 1^st!  Pre-orders matter!

 Be a part of the conversation and join Dr. Margaret’s newsletter for one weekly email featuring the latest blog post and podcast episode.

Have a question or comment? Send a voice message for possible use on the podcast. By recording, you give permission for your voice to be used on SelfWork!

Nightmares and flashbacks occur in different states of consciousness. Flashbacks happen when you’re awake and conscious; nightmares happen during sleep. Nightmares can involve a range of distressing themes, from feelings of helplessness to fears of abandonment. You don’t have to have experienced trauma to have a nightmare, whereas flashbacks are reliving the trauma itself.

We'll talk about the treatments available for both today on SelfWork!

Pre-order The Perfectly Hidden Depression Workbook - A stand-alone workbook exploring the ten traits of Perfectly Hidden Depression, with guided exercises to help you decide what to keep from your drive and perfectionism, and what to let go.

Publishes April 1^st!  Pre-orders matter!

Be a part of the conversation and join Dr. Margaret’s newsletter for one weekly email featuring the latest blog post and podcast episode.

Have a question or comment? Send a voice message for possible use on the podcast. By recording, you give permission for your voice to be used on SelfWork!

The listener email today is from someone who read my book on perfectly hidden depression and was moved by it. She paints in eloquent detail her own reaction. Why am I reading it to you? Because maybe it explains how you might feel – or how someone you love might feel.

Vital Links:

Link to pre-order the Perfectly Hidden Depression Workbook! 

Research on divorce's effect on children

Advertisers Links: 

Click HERE for the NEXT GEN offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your new subscription

By the way... 

I’m excited to let you know that my new workbook, The Perfectly Hidden Depression Workbook, is available for pre-order! It’s a stand-alone workbook (so doesn't need to be used with the original book) and goes through the ten traits of PHD - things like taking on too much responsibility, not knowing how to be more open emotionally - and guides you through new exercises and ideas. These can help you decide what about your drive or your perfectionism you want to keep - and what you need to let go. It’ll publish on April 1st - but pre-order numbers are very important! So I’ll hope you’ll pre-order now! Here's the link!

You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my newsletter and receive one weekly email from me, highlighting my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join myself and others in my private FaceBook group, click here and answer the membership questions! I'd love to see you there!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

When you know something is going to happen that will bring its own kind of grief… whether it’s a loved one being diagnosed with a terminal illness, an unwanted divorce being filed, learning that a child will struggle with a learning difference – it can bring a slew of emotions, many of them moving in and out of your awareness quickly. Anticipatory grieving is a way to imagine, visualize, and begin to emotionally prepare for the loss that is to come.

We’ll focus today on the five steps of anticipatory grieving – the how, when, what, where, and why it’s important. But before I do that, for any of you who are thinking, “Why in the hell would I want to do that?” I’ll answer that very good and reasonable question.

I received a lovely message from someone telling me she’d listened to my podcast episode with Terry McGuire – who’s the host of Giving Voice to Depression and has struggled with depression herself. Terry talked about anhedonia – and this listener asked me to talk more about what you can do about this particular symptom of depression.

Vital Links:

Link to pre-order the Perfectly Hidden Depression Workbook! 

By the way...

I’m excited to let you know that my new workbook, The Perfectly Hidden Depression Workbook, is available for pre-order! It’s a stand-alone workbook (so doesn't need to be used with the original book) and goes through the ten traits of PHD - things like taking on too much responsibility, not knowing how to be more open emotionally - and guides you through new exercises and ideas. These can help you decide what about your drive or your perfectionism you want to keep - and what you need to let go. It’ll publish on April 1st - but pre-order numbers are very important! So I’ll hope you’ll pre-order now! Here's the link!

You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my newsletter and receive one weekly email from me, highlighting my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join myself and others in my private FaceBook group, click here and answer the membership questions! I'd love to see you there!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

So today we’re going to focus on what may be keeping your self-criticism alive and well in ways that you don't realize.

There are two steps we’ll cover. The first is raising awareness of your own inner self-critical voice. The second is assessing what role or function it may have for you. What purpose might self-criticism have that weirdly protects you in some way or serves a role for you in your life?

For our email, I’ve pulled some excerpts from an email I received from a younger reader who’d read the article on enmeshment I have on my website. She has questions about her relationship with her parents – she finds herself, even in her early 20’s, sharing certain kinds of things with them that her friends don’t share with their parents – and think it’s a little strange that she shares those experiences with hers. Her friends are saying that that’s oversharing – that there are certain things you no longer share with your folks as you grow and develop your own life away from them. Are her friends right?

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Click HERE for the NEXT GEN offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your new subscription!

Vital Links:

Link to pre-order the Perfectly Hidden Depression Workbook! 

Dr. Margaret's article on covert narcissism

Enmeshment article by Dr. Margaret

By the way...

I’m excited to let you know that my new workbook, The Perfectly Hidden Depression Workbook, is available for pre-order! It’s a stand-alone workbook (so doesn't need to be used with the original book) and goes through the ten traits of PHD - things like taking on too much responsibility, not knowing how to be more open emotionally - and guides you through new exercises and ideas. These can help you decide what about your drive or your perfectionism you want to keep - and what you need to let go. It’ll publish on April 1st - but pre-order numbers are very important! So I’ll hope you’ll pre-order now! Here's the link!

You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my newsletter and receive one weekly email from me, highlighting my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join myself and others in my private FaceBook group, click here and answer the membership questions! I'd love to see you there!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

It doesn’t take long for us to form an opinion. And there are obvious situations – such as one where there’s the possibility of harm – where quick judgments are necessary and very helpful.

But what about the kind of judgment that you make because of your own biases? There are two mental mistakes we'll focus on today: confirmation bias and fundamental attribution error. They sound fancy, but many of us make these errors in judgment every day.

So today we’re going to focus on how you judge your own judgmental-ness. Are you using your better judgment? Or are you making quick judgments that are based on biases and assumptions?

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Click HERE for the NEXT GEN offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your new subscription!

Vital Links:

Test on the Psychology Today website to rate your own judgmental-ness!

New York Times article on Kristin Cabot

Time article on Monica Lewinsky

By the way...

I’m excited to let you know that my new workbook, The Perfectly Hidden Depression Workbook, is available for pre-order! It’s a stand-alone workbook (so doesn't need to be used with the original book) and goes through the ten traits of PHD - things like taking on too much responsibility, not knowing how to be more open emotionally - and guides you through new exercises and ideas. These can help you decide what about your drive or your perfectionism you want to keep - and what you need to let go. It’ll publish on April 1st - but pre-order numbers are very important! So I’ll hope you’ll pre-order now! Here's the link!

You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my newsletter and receive one weekly email from me, highlighting my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join myself and others in my private FaceBook group, click here and answer the membership questions! I'd love to see you there!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

The term cognitive dissonance has been around for quite a long time. What it’s describing is when you do something or say something that you believe to be wrong or unkind or unjust. But you do it or say it anyway. So, you’re not following or abiding by the values that you say you have.

The gaslighting technique of those with sociopathy... 

But cognitive dissonance can also be caused or created as well through toxic manipulation or what’s termed gaslighting. This is when someone with narcissistic traits or sociopathic ones creates a smokescreen of confounding lies, even telling you one thing is true as well as its opposite, and expecting you to blindly follow. The trap is complete when they prevent you from trusting your own gut or mind or heart. Or guide or lead you away from their manipulation.

It can be paralyzing.

You either must cut yourself off from the value that you hold – or you must become more aware of the manipulation. You must see that it’s happening and how it’s happening. But remember, the actions and manipulations of the person who wants you to be paralyzed are still coming on strong.

Today’s voicemail is from a woman in France who’s asking me about perfectly hidden depression – and in French. I had to get out my translating app because my own French was a little too rusty – but I was pretty much on the mark.

Vital Links:

BBC article on the young Elizabeth Holmes

ThriveWorks article on emotional manipulation and sociopathy

Bustle article on games played by those with sociopathic traits

Advertisers Links: 

Click HERE for the NEXT GEN offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your new subscription!

Other offerings from Dr. Margaret

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

But expectation and disappointment are totally interrelated.

Some disappointment is normal of course. You don’t always win the prize or get what you were striving for, whether that’s a job, or a grade, a promotion, or a relationship moving ahead. But how do you feel it? And is it possible that you’re setting yourself up for disappointment in some way, especially if you tend to get disappointed a lot?

How can you identify the expectations that you have that are likely not rational? You can so hope something is going to be different – that when it’s not – you’re disappointed for sure. Does that mean that your expectation was “wrong?”

Building your capacity for disappointment... 

There’s a lot of focus on social media right now about building your capacity or your skill set in managing what’s hurtful in your life. Coping with disappointment. Not identifying with whatever has been hard so much as you feel what you need to feel, what’s helpful to feel, but then using that emotional and psychological learning to grow from it, rather than being paralyzed by it.

In this week's voicemail, I'm not sure of the article that the readers is referencing. But the important ‘aha’ experience for her was… "if I struggle to see something in myself, and even therapists or “experts” struggle to see it, then how could I have expected my ex to see it?" Something was a blind spot for her. And she’s doing the important work of taking on her share of the responsibility for her divorce – then seeing how she can move past it. She’s growing her skill set.

Order the new Perfectly Hidden Depression Workbook!

You can pre-order Dr. Margaret's Perfectly Hidden Depression Workbook by clicking right here! And I'm so excited! It's an actual workbook so all your "selfwork" is contained in its covers!

It's a stand-alone look at all the ten traits of PHD - such as struggling to express painful emotion, taking too much responsibility by staying eternally "busy," and balancing gratitude with what is real hardship. Then you're guided to keep what is worth keeping about that trait, and gently let go of what's harmful.

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Advertisers' Links and Special Offers:

Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

There’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

There’s not a right way. And it’s been my professional and personal experience that grief has a way of weaving in and out of your awareness. It’s not like there’s a tangible end. You may know when your grief began. And it’s not that it’s never-ending – that can be very difficult if that happens and cause deep depression and a kind of forlorn emptiness. But there may be days or weeks when you don’t really feel it – and then suddenly, your grief reappears. Or there’s an anniversary of a death – or simply life bringing you back to your sadness.

So, we dig deeper into grief today featuring an episode I did two years ago. I’m having a little outpt surgery and am a bit behind. So I thought this would be helpful to many of you who’ve had loss around the holidays – or really anyone. One story at the end of the episode comes from a mother’s story after losing her son. She says (and this isn't a quote), “He loved me deeply and I’ll honor that love. I can’t die along with him.”

As hard as that may be. It may be the most important idea to take away with you.

Advertisers Links: 

Click HERE for the NEXT GEN offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your new subscription!

Other offerings from Dr. Margaret

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

But how do you increase self-esteem? What is self-esteem anyway? It’s a recognition of your value – of your worth. You can have high self-esteem, low self-esteem, or an inflated sense of self-esteem where you think too highly of yourself and even see others as less valuable or worthy than you.

So, self-esteem often gets built in your childhood as your caregivers provide you with not only safety and security, but with love. They give you the message that you’re valuable – right?

Well, maybe not. Maybe they don’t give you that message. Or maybe your parents did a pretty good job, not perfect but good enough. But you had other relationships – or chose them – where you got the message that you weren’t so valuable after all.

This is the focus today on SelfWork – what you can do about low self-esteem after it has seeped into your very being. It’s work – but everything worthwhile typically is.

Our listener email is from a man from South Jersey who asks how you know if you’re with the right therapist. It’s another great question so I’ll do my best to answer it. Here’s one clue – it seems to me that if you’re asking that question, you may be overly doubting of yourself and your choices in general OR your therapy isn’t providing you with things that you can see are valuable and are helping you to change in desirable ways. Or both. Basically, could it be an issue with trusting yourself? Listen in to hear my answer!

Vital Links: 

Recent SelfWork Episode on dealing with my own shame

001 SelfWork: Episode answering the question "What is good therapy?"

SelfWork episode describing how therapy works... or can work

Advertisers Links: 

Advertisers' Links and Special Offers:

Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

There’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Laura Day, the New York Times bestselling author is back with a long-awaited, life-altering book to help you learn how to do just that. In her past breakthrough book Practical Intuition, she explained how anyone can train themselves to gain full access to the powers of the intuitive brain. However, only Laura’s closest friends knew that behind the book’s phenomenal success was a dark family history.

In this, her first book in fifteen years, Day, shares her haunting and unforgettable family story. Multiple suicides including her mother. A home life where the kids actually lived by themselves in a separate apartment from their parents. Only her intuition helped her figure out what no one had taught her – how to care for herself and her siblings.

Now, Day has combined her experiences and teaching in her new book, The Prism: Seven Steps to Heal Your Past and Transform Your Future (Spiegel & Grau; April 29, 2025. It reveals seven points in our growth as children and adults that can hinder or help us thrive.

Next week’s episode will begin our official 9^th year here at SelfWork! We can’t believe it really. I won’t say it’s flown by – 9 years is a long time. But guests keep coming – listeners let us know through comments and questions – and supporting our sponsors – that SW remains important to you. We thank you so much for that. And see you next week.

Advertisers Links: 

Click HERE for the NEXT GEN offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your new subscription!

Other offerings from Dr. Margaret

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

The first is from a mom who lived through her daughter and yet also didn’t offer safety or a sense of security – even with the basic things. This listener is now sober for a year (much to her credit) and is asking about how to navigate her relationship with her mom – who's still chaotic. The second is from a therapist who attended one of my workshops on perfectly hidden depression and had a great comment to make. The third is a voicemail from an older mom who sees her daughter as blaming her without reasonable cause. And last, someone whose fairly new boyfriend revealed he’d been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Since her father also had bipolar disorder, she’s not quite sure how to respond or react…

I’m very honored when listeners of SelfWork or readers of my articles on my website respond to me in some way. Realizing there’s much I don’t know after reading or listening to their email or voicemail, I hope what I can do is offer some kind of helpful perspective, knowing only the things they tell me.

Vital Links:

Defining intergenerational trauma - VeryWell Mind Article

Practical Neurology article on bipolar disorder occurring after a head injury

Harvard research article on bipolar disorder

Advertisers' Links and Special Offers:

Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

There’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

It seems that there are a lot more people these days who are angry. Maybe it’s because the immediacy that social media and texting have provided that have made it SO much easier to attack someone else online – or it was online at first. Maybe it’s political rhetoric that’s become more aggressive and insulting, as if that’s okay.

There's anger... and then there's losing your shit. 

But what do you do after you've lost your shit? Losing your shit is about losing control. It’s about very poor management – yes. But that term – albeit fairly colorful – usually means that you got way too mad about something and even you recognize that you were way out of line. Maybe it’s a pattern for you. Maybe you do it all the time. Or maybe it’s after something that suddenly happened – or seemed to suddenly happen - and here comes a shit fit.

The speaker voicemail is from a man living in the UK – that discovered my writing about enmeshment. He describes giving so much of himself away to his parents, which then served as the pattern of his relationships with others – where he’s the caregiver for all – and feels that he has nothing left for himself. I’ll do my best to answer him!

Vital Links:

Article on enmeshment

Article on the American Counseling Associations’ website on women's anger

Anger Management Resources

Article on regret after losing your temper

Advertisers Links: 

Click HERE for the NEXT GEN offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your new subscription!

Other offerings from Dr. Margaret

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

.

Sometimes I receive a voicemail where I can hear the stark heartache that’s behind the message. And this week was no exception. The hurt expressed was so palpable for me. Not only hurt, but confusion and a huge sense of loss.

Who was it from? She’s a therapist. A mom. A daughter, not in that order. Let’s call her Lisa.

So, what had happened? Lisa’s very young daughter had told her that her mother’s husband, Lisa’s stepfather, had sexually molested her. And she’s struggling to handle the consequent tsunami of family distrust and estrangement between the members of her family – which is very common but still very painful. At the very time she feels she most needs her mother, her mom has taken her stepfather’s side and believes her granddaughter is making up something that didn’t happen.

Maybe some of you tried to talk to a parent or a teacher or a pastor about being hurt sexually or any other way in your family. Not only were you not believed. You might’ve been blamed or warned not to tell “lies” about your family – or the perpetrator.

Again, please take care in listening if you have a history of sexual abuse or were hurt in some way through sexual abuse. The sexual abuse hotline number/website below.

Vital Links:

The RAINN.org sexual abse hotline/website

Jane Epstein's incredibly courageous journey, revealing sibling sexual abuse

SelfWork episode on intrafamilial sexual abuse

Advertisers' Links and Special Offers:

Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

There’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

A book all about finding meaning... 

One of the most eye-opening books I ever read, I was introduced to in a freshman class I took in college. The course was geared toward the study of how different writers and philosophers, both ancient and present-day, had thought about how to do just that - find meaning.

That book was Victor Frankl’s “Man’s Search for Meaning.” I read it from cover to cover. In it, he told the story of being a prisoner in four different concentration camps during the Holocaust. What stayed with me was how he vowed to discover the tiniest shreds of meaning, of mattering that he could. Before he was imprisoned at age 37, he'd worked as a psychiatrist and neurologist, and had created a form of therapy called “logo therapy” - a form of psychotherapy that focuses on finding meaning in life as the primary human motivation. It operates on the belief that individuals have the freedom to find purpose even in suffering, Its techniques aim to help people discover meaning through their work, love, and their attitude toward unavoidable suffering

My guest on SelfWork today, Pam Roy, has co-authored a book that serves as a companion book, offering creative reflections on many of Victor Frankl’s essential ideas.  She’s full of stories about Frankl – is an expert on both him and his work – and has dedicated much of her life on trying to help people (especially parents) understand that their job is to find their own meaning and model that journey for their children.

Vital Links:

Pam Roy's book

An article on logo therapy

Advertisers' Links and Special Offers:

Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

There’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

There are many people, primarily women, who struggle with it, without knowing what to call it. In fact, it wasn’t a “diagnosis” until 1980. But that certainly doesn’t mean it wasn’t real before that date.

Having any kind of personality disorder is tough. What do those words “personality disorder” mean? We’ll go over that (you may be wondering if you or someone you love may struggle with that). And today, we'll be covering two distinct and contradictory fears of those having borderline traits. We'll also focus on four different categories within the borderline framework that Dr. Christine Lawson uses in her fantastic book, Understanding the Borderline Mother. Her whole approach is so that you, as her adult child, can learn how to have a relationship with her – with certain guardrails put in place.

Vital Links:

Mayo Clinic article on personality disorders

The classic book on borderline personality disorder “I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me”

SelfWork episode on nine ways to work through the guilt you may feel with a BPD mom

SelfWork episode on how you can never be enough for someone with BPD

Psychology Today article outlining the two major fears of someone with BPD

Summary of the four types of BPD

Advertisers' Links and Special Offers:

Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

There’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

When I read these words, written by our guest on SelfWork today, I knew I wanted her on the show. She’s a pediatrician, a mom, an executive – and she gets it.

Most women feel like failures—always feeling like they’re not doing enough, but so exhausted from their over-functioning that they have no more to give. Their go-to solution? To double down on doing more for everyone but themselves. The result? A vicious cycle of work harder, grow resentful, explode at the kids or partner (or even just internally), feel ashamed, and then work even harder to do more, driving themselves even further down the high-functioning nervous breakdown rabbit hole. No wonder their health is suffering as a result.

Let me introduce you to Dr. Whitney Caseres. In her spare time, she’s writing a book for children about liking their body, she’s the podcast host of Modern Mommy Doc, and she’s making sure that she does a lot for all the moms out there who are struggling with that sense of overwhelm and failure. Her new book, Doing It All, is packed full – not of meaningless advice – but very practical steps to help parents make sure their actual priorities, aka their values, stay at the top.

Advertisers Links: 

Click HERE for the NEXT GEN offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your new subscription!

Other offerings from Dr. Margaret

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

What brought these stories together in my own mind was not only that the two stories were about narcissism. But how both listeners conveyed a sense of not knowing how to heal or which direction to go where their lives wouldn’t be so painfully affected by their narcissistic parent or ex-partner.

Vital Links: 

Duke Health proposes an acronym - SPECIAL ME

Article with Dr. Margaret's advice on dealing with narcissism:

Hormone Replacement Episode with Donna White

Advertisers' Links and Special Offers:

Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

There’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

.

You figure out shame has been lying to you all along.

Today we’re going to talk about just that. First how shame talks to you through an inner dialogue that’s always commenting and often criticizing you. Second, how shame lies to you. I’ll tell you the details of my own battle with shame. And how I learned to acknowledge the power of its lies. And third – how you can stop that from happening. Or at least become much more aware of when shame is yapping away at you. You can challenge it and even turn down its volume so you can make decisions free from shame’s voice.

Here’s a hint – you want to challenge it. You choose to believe differently about yourself. That becomes your innermost desire – and the freedom you can find is astounding!

The Listener Voicemail

The listener voicemail today is from an older mom who says to me, “I just don’t want to carry the pain of disconnection.” She realizes in a very poignant way that her pain and depression has to do with being the youngest child of 12 in her family but now doesn’t feel connected to her grown children “except when they need something.” We’ll tackle what she might can do to feel the connection she yearns for – and my answer may surprise you.

Vital Links:

My own Psychology Today article on shame's lies to me and how I overcame them.

Advertisers Links: 

Click HERE for the NEXT GEN offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your new subscription!

Other offerings from Dr. Margaret

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

She's now written her second book, Families and Other Calamities. She weaves together her own life with her story line, and I once again found her writing - and the characters in this family - to be fascinating, funny, and very human.

Born in hood-adjacent Baltimore City, Leslie is a columnist for the Baltimore Banner, a University of Maryland College Park graduate, and veteran journalist. She's also someone always looking for new ways to tell stories, both her own and those in her communities. She's the co-host of “Fine Beats and Cheeses,” a podcast about pleasure we aren’t guilty about, with her sister Lynne Streeter Childress.

Advertisers' Links and Special Offers:

Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

There’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Here’s the link to the attachment questionnaire! Click this link!

 I also received a deeply thought-out question in an email from a listener who was trying to figure out how her identification with perfectly hidden depression and a struggle with intimacy were connected. She stated that she had what’s called an “anxious avoidant” attachment style… So that pointed me to the very episode you’re going to hear today as we focus in on relationships.

Vital Links:  

Mark Manson on attachment styles

Advertisers Links:

Click HERE for the NEXT GEN offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

Other offerings from Dr. Margaret

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression, which is coming out in the spring in German, is available and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

I want to talk more about the fear that’s underneath self-sabotage. Perhaps it’s not sabotage at all. It’s really one part of you – the part that’s afraid – protecting that fear or avoiding it. So, what can seem as if you’re “getting in your own way” can actually be your mind working to keep you safe from a fear that you may be conscious of, or not conscious of at all.

The Speakpipe voicemail for today is from a woman who’s realized that, in order to have a sense of control, that she not only lives out her plans for today, but tries to complete things early – things she might have a plan to do tomorrow – she does today. And yet as she says, “That’s not how time works." Loved her comment and wanted to share.

Advertisers Links:

Click HERE for the NEXT GEN offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

Other offerings from Dr. Margaret

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Today we’re going to focus on the pressure involved in personal branding. I’m readily admitting, that with my head in the research about the dangers of what’s termed destructive perfectionism, with another recent bestseller being a book called ‘high-functioning depression, and the rise in suicides in our youth ’ – I have some real concerns about the pressure this whole idea brings with it. The Harvard article may say, “like it or not” – but I don’t particularly like to be told that I have to accept something that I think could be harmful to many.

The Speakpipe voicemail for today is from one of my website readers who’s commenting on a post there that’s earned thousands of readers each month. The post is on enmeshment, which I’ve talked about here before. He appreciates having a word for the way he’s felt for years, but has a specific question about what to do now, as an adult with his own children, what to do with his parents that still rely on him…

Vital Links:

Harvard Business Review Article

Example of a high school "build your brand" course

Carlii Lyon article on branding tips

SelfWork Episode on enmeshment

Advertisers' Links and Special Offers:

Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

There’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

There was dramatic and heart-breaking example of this happening just this week. I'd already recorded this episode but then heard about 16 year-old Adam Raine who was allegedly admitting to ChatGBT that he wanted someone to stop him from killing himself. You can hear ChatGBT's alleged answers in this episode. And if it's found to be true, it's not only tragic but it's highly dangerous. I cannot imagine how his parents and loved ones are coping with his death which seemed to be extremely preventable.

I’ll give you my thoughts and my own experiences with ChatGBT thus far. Maybe a few reminders about what my experience as a therapist suggests to me about the pros and cons of a chatbot as a therapist.

Our listener voicemail today is from a mom whose son has successfully launched from home and has a job where he’s finding success. But she sounds as if she’s grieving that he’s not more physically present or doesn’t call all that often. So I’ll add my ideas about her situation and how you, as both the parent and the now launched “child” or young adult can do to keep the relationship going strong.

Vital Links:

Adam Raine's tragic suicide and its alleged links with ChatGBT

An empty nest article with ideas about letting go with intention

Advertisers Links:

Click HERE for the NEXT GEN offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, The SelfWork. Podcast with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

There’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Marci got very honest with herself (after getting a DWI) that her alcohol use had moved way beyond a glass of wine or two at night “to relax.” I loved that her story was messy… it took some time for her to be honest with herself about her alcoholism… but the DWI and the realization she could lose her family made her take the healing step she needed.

She’s open and clear that for her, her faith was what helped her get through the very difficult commitment to sobriety.

She says, "My guests are living proof that it is possible to heal and that difficult situations do not have to define you...I hope viewers find strength, hope and their purpose through these stories."

Advertisers Links:

Click HERE for the NEXT GEN offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

Manage your hormones with the help of Happy Mammoth, a leader in women's health! Go to https://happymammoth.com/selfwork to order!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

There’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Why? Because he lives and breathes his passion for bettering the world. Whether it's through his work with animals (he's an animal trainer), his dedication to children's learning about animals on his very popular YouTube channel, BaBa Blast. Or his hosting of the incredibly informative MedCircle.com, where he interviews therapists and doctors and all kinds of people about mental health. About that, he says, "To help other struggle less through proper education has been a privilege."

As a child, he formed a club that he called the "Save the World" club. He says now, "Saving the world might be a stretch. However, changing the world – changing the world for better – is absolutely doable."

Along the way, he dealt with his own depression as a nine year-old, his knowledge that he was gay and wishing he could be anything else but that, and his mother's early death. Yet the relationships he formed with the animals he loved helped him balance those struggles with his hope that he could form lasting, empathic relationships with others.

This is his story of doing just that.

Vital Links:

Kyle's book Wear a Wetsuit at Work: How You Can Become a Marine Mammal Trainer

Kyle Kittleson website

Advertisers Links:

Click HERE for the NEXT GEN offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

Manage your hormones with the help of Happy Mammoth, a leader in women's health! Go to https://happymammoth.com/selfwork to order!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

There’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

But when you can allow yourself to step out of that prison – when you feel safe enough with a therapist or a friend or a partner to say who you really are… the freedom you feel can be incredible.

Today's listener/reader comment was a response to the blogpost When Mom Is Emotionally Unstable: Seven Ways to Heal. So, I’ll read her comment and question – and maybe it’ll answer some of your own about your mom or dad whose emotions and behaviors were or are all over the place.

There's also my thoughts on the life and death of Anne Burrell. Only compassion and wondering what this wonderful woman could've been dealing with..

Vital Links:

When Mom is Emotionally Unstable: Seven Ways to Heal.

Book on borderline traits “I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me.”

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You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

There’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

She's a clinical psychologist at Boston University Center for Anxiety and Related Disorders, and the author of a new book, How to Be Enough: Self-Acceptance for Self-Critics and Perfectionists. She's already a very successful author having published the book How To Be Yourself in 2018 on conquering social anxiety. And I was incredibly interested in talking with her because we are obviously both very concerned about rising perfectionism. She states: "Perfectionism isn't about striving to be perfect. It's about never feeling good enough."

I really enjoyed this conversation. She's funny. Her book is full of pragmatic advice as well as personal stories. She's down to earth, and we had a real human to human connection - woman to woman - "perfectionist to perfectionist."

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Manage your hormones with the help of Happy Mammoth, a leader in women's health! Go to https://happymammoth.com/selfwork to order!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

There’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

You can have a huge preoccupation with whatever defect your mind is telling you that you have – and can spend lots of time and money and energy to try and “fix” the problem. But tragically, the medicine or the surgery or the exercise doesn’t “fix” the irrationality – and so these kinds of problems can exist for years.

So today, we’re going to focus on what body dysmorphia is – and as always, what you can do about it.

Instead of a listener email this week, I’ve learned of the death of a wonderful man who was my guest last year on SelfWork. James Doty. He was a neurosurgeon, a professor at Stanford, who knew the Dalai Lama well as he founded the Stanford Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education, and they became quite good friends. I’ll tell you a little more about him later in the episode and once again, hear his words of encouragement of how to live a meaningful life.

Vital Links: 

Famous celebrities who's talked about having body dysmorphia

Mayo Clinic description of body dysmorphia

Into the Magic Shop

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Click HERE for the NEW GEN offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

Manage your hormones with the help of Happy Mammoth, a leader in women's health! Go to https://happymammoth.com/selfwork to order!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

There’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

In some ways, yes. But in other important ways… it doesn’t seem to be. There are plenty of reasons that are the essentially the same as they've been for a while. But there’s one that’s emerged only recently… the idea that a mental illness diagnosis becomes an identity you have. “I’m bipolar, so this is really hard for me.” It can even become your identity or brand on social media.

What about the apparent backlash that’s occurring as a response to mental illness branding? Influencers are labeling themselves as traumatized or using a diagnostic label as their way of selling you something or attracting followers.

How do you know who to trust? Who’s an expert and who isn’t?

The listener voicemail tells a story that I’ve heard fairly often. When one family member takes advantage of their relationship with an older person, a mom, a dad, an aunt or uncle or grandparent, and takes much more than their share of that person’s assets, be it jewelry or money or collections. The rest of the family is aware perhaps but feels helpless, not wanting to press charges or maybe even not knowing how to “prove” manipulation.

Vital Links: 

An article on how and why depression is hard to talk about

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Manage your hormones with the help of Happy Mammoth, a leader in women's health! Go to https://happymammoth.com/selfwork to order!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

There’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Who's Lucas Krump?

He's the Chief Growth Officer at EVRYMAN, a global community that fosters men's personal growth and emotional wellness. Lucas has been instrumental in expanding EVRYMAN's mission, offering retreats, online programs, and a membership-based platform that helps men develop deeper emotional intelligence. His work has been featured in outlets such as CBS Evening News, The New York Times, and GQ.

He’s basically a guy who thought he had all the boxes checked – that he was as successful as any man could be. But he was also miserable in his corner office with his name on the door and lots of money in his pocket.

This is his story. And how he changed his misery into gratitude and connection.

Vital Links: 

Lewis Howes on his book The Masks of Masculinity

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Click HERE for the NEW GEN offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

Manage your hormones with the help of Happy Mammoth, a leader in women's health! Go to https://happymammoth.com/selfwork to order!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

There’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Most of the time, I hear the term "shrink" used in a funny, almost endearing way. It’s like when people call me “Doc” instead of my name. It’s a term that binds us but also keeps boundaries clear.

I’d like to give you my thoughts on the Apple TV show Shrinking. And even more so, its message – that the people who are shrinks aren’t living lives that are somehow set apart from the rest of humanity. We’re dealing with our own lives as we try our best to help you with yours. As I think the Harrison Ford character says, “Messed up people can help other messed up people” or something like that. There’s hopefully some humility involved.

The listener email is from a daughter asking if the insecurity she feels – fear of “messing up” – has anything to do with the fact that she and her mom were enmeshed…

AG1 New Generation

Vital Links: 

Blogpost on building self-confidence

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Click HERE for the NEW GEN offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

Manage your hormones with the help of Happy Mammoth, a leader in women's health! Go to https://happymammoth.com/selfwork to order!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

There’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Parenting has stages...

Today’s episode is on the stage of parenting, where you leave the “teaching” stage of parenting to the “consulting” stage. You move from having a very central, controlling role with your kids to a less primary, but still very important role. You don’t tell them what to do necessarily – but you offer guidance. And if they fall, you help them get up. You show your belief in them – you don’t try (as hovering helicopter or even worse lawn-mower parents do) to make sure they’re not facing any obstacles. You may think you see the obstacle before they do – but they’re grown. And they’ve got to live out their choices – just as you did. Or hopefully you did.

We’ll be using three different listener comments or questions – and as always, thank you for writing in!

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Find out what your "true age" is! Go to https://trudiagnostic.com/selfwork to sign up and get a discount for being a SelfWork listener!

Manage your hormones with the help of Happy Mammoth, a leader in women's health! Go to https://happymammoth.com/selfwork to order!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

There’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

The trend seems to be leading… not to better mental health – but to a dilution of the actual pain or hardship that is mental illness as well as to hinder you learning how to talk more plainly about your emotions or experiences.

Things to remember about therapy-misspeak: 

1. Not all jerks are narcissists.
2. No one has one day where you have bipolar disorder or OCD.
3. A reaction isn’t a trigger.
4. Getting hurt isn’t necessarily trauma. It’s important but it’s not necessarily traumatic.
5. Imposter syndrome isn’t the same as feeling initially overwhelmed by something you’re trying to do or become.
6. Self-care isn’t as powerful as self-respect.
7. Borderline isn’t you feeling out of control.
8. Panic is more than feeling anxious.
9. And toxic? Poisons are toxic. And maybe something is poisoning you. But you’ll grow a lot more if you describe what feels poisonous to you.

Today’s listener question isn’t a question. I was very touched by the words this listener wanted me to hear – and told her so.

Vital Links: 

HuffPost piece: “Dealing with a narcissist” - all jerks aren't narcissists.

Early SelfWork Episode on narcissism

Research article on therapy-misspeak

The Instagram account of Raquel the capacity expert

Advertisers Links:

Click HERE for the NEW GEN offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

Find out what your "true age" is! Go to https://trudiagnostic.com/selfwork to sign up and get a discount for being a SelfWork listener!

Manage your hormones with the help of Happy Mammoth, a leader in women's health! Go to https://happymammoth.com/selfwork to order!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

There’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Understood.org, a leading resource for people with learning and thinking differences, has launched a new podcast series, Climbing the Walls, a new limited-series investigative podcast. Hosted by health and science journalist and documentarian Danielle Elliot, the podcast explores what led to new ADHD diagnoses among women ages 20–49, which nearly doubled between 2020 and 2022 (CDC).

Across six episodes, Elliot weaves together scientific explanations with personal stories, describing significant problems with such things as executive functioning and rejection sensitivity.

Advertisers Links:

Click HERE for the NEW GEN offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

Find out what your "true age" is! Go to https://trudiagnostic.com/selfwork to sign up and get a discount for being a SelfWork listener!

Manage your hormones with the help of Happy Mammoth, a leader in women's health! Go to https://happymammoth.com/selfwork to order!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

There’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

This episode is once again motivated by a wonderful question from a listener. He’s a guy whose been in a relationship for many years – had an affair – or as he says “I cheated." But he now realizes that he still has deep feelings for his girlfriend. He wants to know how the two of them need to approach reconciliation together. I was struck by his sincerity and honesty, and decided to feature his comments and question.

There are very specific things I’ve learned about how to heal from an affair or affairs. It’s not easy but it can be done. I’ll offer seven of those caveats today.

Advertisers Links:

Click HERE for the NEW GEN offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

Find out what your "true age" is! Go to https://trudiagnostic.com/selfwork to sign up and get a discount for being a SelfWork listener!

Manage your hormones with the help of Happy Mammoth, a leader in women's health! Go to https://happymammoth.com/selfwork to order!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

There’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

She wasn't a magician; she didn't physically leave all of us. She disappeared after she very bravely went into rehab and got off the massive amounts of prescription drugs she'd been taking for decades.

My mother would've been 100 years of age this week, a feat she wouldn't have liked as she hated aging. I think of her a lot but decided that, in an episode that I hope honors her, I wanted to describe how addictions to prescription drugs can happen so easily.

She was beautiful, very thin, and smart - all the things women were supposed to be in the 1960's. And when she sought help for what were panic attacks, she was handed her "nerve pills." And that was it.

This is a repeat episode. And her story bears repeating. She once said, "I wish I'd known what these meds were doing to me."

And I want you to know. Please share with anyone who might be struggling.

Advertisers' Links and Special Offers:

Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

Find out what your "true age" is! Go to https://trudiagnostic.com/selfwork to sign up and get a discount for being a SelfWork listener!

Manage your hormones with the help of Happy Mammoth, a leader in women's health! Go to https://happymammoth.com/selfwork to order!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

There’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Here's a new "You get the gist" segment of SelfWork!

I was surprised the other day by someone saying that – in their battle with an upcoming divorce and ongoing separation – that they’d been talking with an AI chatbot. And that it was helping in its own way.

It reminded me a little bit of the first time a new client told me that they’d met their spouse or dating partner online. It was said with some embarrassment or certainly hesitation. “I know it’s kind of weird, but we were both on Match and it just worked out.”

What's it like to use AI to chat? 

The guy that told me this wasn't, to me at least, a likely candidate to use AI. But he was very happy that he had "someone" to share his ideas and get feedback. Right in his own apartment after work.

Then I began wondering. “Maybe more do than they’re letting on. Maybe you listeners have tried it out.”

So I thought I'd ask! And will talk about your answers more in an upcoming episode of SelfWork!

Thanks ahead of time for your feedback!

Advertisers Links:

Manage your hormones with the help of Happy Mammoth, a leader in women's health! Go to https://happymammoth.com/selfwork to order!

Click HERE for the NEW GEN offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to camouflage underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by anyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

I’ve worked with so many couples on how to work through conflict. And there are definite things to do and things not to do. As I said in the last episode (which you might want to listen to if you haven’t..) a relationship that avoids conflict, where one or both people don’t talk about the elephant in the room, is also avoiding (or not creating) intimacy. If they sense conflict, one or both will change the subject. Or there’ll never seem to be time for “that thing we’ve been saying we need to talk about.”

Today we’re going to address seven excuses or justifications (or what may be wrongly called “reasons”) how conflict sticks around – and doesn’t get worked through. And we’ll also focus on how to realistically approach conflict in ways that promote greater understanding and intimacy.

Vital Links:

Difficulty with apathy in a relationship

Harvard Article on conflict resolution

The Visibility Gap Podcast

Advertisers Links:

Manage your hormones with the help of Happy Mammoth, a leader in women's health! Go to https://happymammoth.com/selfwork to order!

Click HERE for the NEW GEN offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to camouflage underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by anyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Next week, we’ll focus on how you can learn to handle and cope with conflict in relationships where it’s safe to express it. It's a skill that you can practice and learn with each other - and grow your emotional and even sexual intimacy even further.

Content links...

YouTube video on affairs

SelfWork episode on talking with someone you love about suicidal thoughts

Advertisers Links:

Manage your hormones with the help of Happy Mammoth, a leader in women's health! Go to https://happymammoth.com/selfwork to order!

Click HERE for the NEW GEN offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to camouflage underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by anyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

I was introduced to Martha and Chris Thomas through a family member who told me about their daughter’s suicide. They’ve chosen a path, along with their son Solomon, an NFL football player, to try and keep any other family from living through the horrific pain they've experienced. And more importantly, to keep others who might be going through what Ella was experiencing to consider suicide.

 The Defensive Line... 

First and foremost, they've created a non-profit suicide prevention website as well as offering many programs through it; It's called The Defensive Line. And they are reaching coaches, teachers, families - anyone who might not understand the pressure that young people, especially young people of color, are trying to handle.

Not only are they incredibly transparent about their own individual struggles. Solomon, who plays professional football battled suicidal thoughts himself after Ella’s death. Martha went to his NFL team leadership to help her help her son, “I can’t lose another child.” She realized that he might greatly resent her for that. But had to take the chance.

And Chris - drowning himself in alcohol to cope – and realizing that was far from the way he could honor Ella. Now he's sober and working alongside Martha and Solomon to reach more young people, especially young people of color. Ella’s struggles were complex, but some were rooted in the fact that she was biracial. She also experienced a brutal rape, which she kept a secret for years.

Working toward suicide prevention...

I’m honored to introduce the SelfWork audience to this family. Their ongoing mission is to speak anywhere and do anything they can to stop anyone from dying by suicide. Martha says quite fervently, “Ella should be alive.” Sadly, the way she is alive is through the dedication and love her family have for her.

I almost feel as if I know Ella. And hopefully, you will too. And realize that you can never take for granted that someone is “okay” because they seem “okay.”

Drawing on decades of research in neuroplasticity, psychology, trauma, behavior, clinical experience with clients, and their own personal journeys of recovering from chronic illness and pain, Jennifer and Karden teach readers how to learn and ‘speak’ the language of the nervous system. Following a simple yet powerful approach called A I R, readers are guided through three stages of regulation:

• Awareness: Listening to the messages in your body through breath, action, sensations, emotions, and language.
• Interruption: stopping the unhelpful patterns in your nervous system and modifying the responses to achieve regulation
• Redesign: rewiring the habits that have been keeping you stuck in order to settle and heal your nervous system, mind and body.

How to heal your mind through your body... 

Complete with helpful illustrations of somatic exercises, THE SECRET LANGUAGE OF THE BODY offers a revolutionary look at how we can treat chronic mental and physical illness and empowers us all to unlock the secret language of the nervous system.

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Midi Health is a women's clinic, designed specifically for women's needs, and it's likely to be covered by your insurance! Go to https://trymidi.com/selfwork and then add Save 15 for $15 off your first order!

Manage your hormones with the help of Happy Mammoth, a leader in women's health! Go to https://happymammoth.com/selfwork to order!

Click HERE for the NEW GEN offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to camouflage underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by anyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

So today, I’m going to use two such questions from listeners to give you some ideas. First is from a mom who took care of her granddaughter a lot early on – and now feels that her daughter and her relationship has become toxic and the daughter is withholding her child from her.

Second is from a woman who has “lots” kids with a man she’s been married to for many years. But she also writes that he's intensely enmeshed with his parents, choosing to spend much time with them over her, their kids, and/or her parents. And then blames her for not supporting him. What she seems to be describing is not having any true trust or shared goals with her husband.

Here are three helpful questions to ask yourself is you're the victim of emotional manipulation:

• How do you figure out you’re being manipulated?
• What are you afraid will happen if you confront the manipulation? .
• If you choose to act, what’s a healthy way to move forward?
• 
  

Advertisers' Links and Special Offers:

• Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!
• 
  
• Midi Health is a women's clinic, designed specifically for women's needs, and it's likely to be covered by your insurance! Go to https://trymidi.com/selfwork and then add Save 15 for $15 off your first order!
• 
  
• Manage your hormones with the help of Happy Mammoth, a leader in women's health! Go to https://happymammoth.com/selfwork to order!
• 
  
• You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!
• My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.
• There’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

How does this happen? Your parents' careers came first. The parents themselves came first for one another, only caring for the child as a secondhand and almost bothersome activity. Your being wasn’t celebrated – instead what you could achieve got some notice, as long as you continued to be successful. Your parent was overly self-involved because of their own trauma or mental illness – and never was it explained to you what was truly going on – so you believed you weren’t enough.

At its worst, the dynamic of not feeling that you're important is rejection. At the best, it can feel like conditional love. And in between, the now adult child could feel a deep sense of emptiness and insecurity that they may seek to fill up in a myriad of ways.

Our listener voicemail is a shocking reminder of what can happen when a parent doesn’t guide a child (no matter how old) to separate from them – to encourage them to live their own lives. But rather, instills in them at a young age that their job is to stay close to the parent. And an emotional codependence is encouraged.

Vital Links:

Bob Waldinger's interview on the Harvard study of happiness

Seven steps out of enmeshment: SelfWork episode

Advertisers Links:

Midi Health is a women's clinic, designed specifically for women's needs, and it's likely to be covered by your insurance! Go to https://trymidi.com/selfwork and then add Save 15 for $15 off your first order!

Find out what your "true age" is! Go to https://trudiagnostic.com/selfwork to sign up and get a discount for being a SelfWork listener!

Manage your hormones with the help of Happy Mammoth, a leader in women's health! Go to https://happymammoth.com/selfwork to order!

Click HERE for the NEW fabulous offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to camouflage underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by anyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

But labeling something as a failure can be used in several different ways , can’t it? It can be motivating, or it can stop you in your tracks. It can cause tremendous embarrassment, even shame, or you can use it to grow. What you tell yourself about failure has such a strong impact on whether it leads you into depression, even apathy, or whether you take that failure in stride and integrate it – make it a part of your learning and keeping on keeping on.

The power of self-doubt or what you tell yourself about failure is very important to whether you let those failures define you and cause you extreme self-doubt and paralysis. Or whether you accept failure – but not define yourself by it.

The listener voicemail for today is asking about a topic that I’ve already begun as another episode! So, I’m doing some research on it as we speak. But his questions were so good – and I’m pretty sure there are many of you with similar questions about AI Companions… so let’s hear his message!

Vital Links: 

SelfWork episode on imposter syndrome

Jeff Haden's article on self-doubt in Inc. Magazine

Advertisers' Links and Special Offers:

Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

Midi Health is a women's clinic, designed specifically for women's needs, and it's likely to be covered by your insurance! Go to https://trymidi.com/selfwork and then add Save 15 for $15 off your first order!

Find out what your "true age" is! Go to https://trudiagnostic.com/selfwork to sign up and get a discount for being a SelfWork listener!

Manage your hormones with the help of Happy Mammoth, a leader in women's health! Go to https://happymammoth.com/selfwork to order!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

There’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Many of us do a pretty good job of raising children. But many of us don't. Sadly, our kids are often left to become adults themselves and bear the scars of our anger, our addictions, or our neglect. And if they don't do something differently than we did, they can perpetuate the problem.

Raising children poorly can then be passed on. It's called transgenerational trauma. And it's very real.

Hunter Clarke-Fields didn't want to do that. And she tells us how she recognized that her anger with her children was something she needed to change, and how mindfulness and meditation helped her do that.

Now she wants to help you learn what's been so healing for her. Hunter is the host of the Mindful Mama Podcast, number #1 bestselling author of Raising Good Humans and her newest, Raising Good Humans Every Day, and creator of the Mindful Parenting Course. She has over 20 years of experience in meditation and has taught mindful parenting to thousands worldwide.

Advertisers Links:

Midi Health is a women's clinic, designed specifically for women's needs, and it's likely to be covered by your insurance! Go to https://trymidi.com/selfwork and then add Save 15 for $15 off your first order!

Find out what your "true age" is! Go to https://trudiagnostic.com/selfwork to sign up and get a discount for being a SelfWork listener!

Manage your hormones with the help of Happy Mammoth, a leader in women's health! Go to https://happymammoth.com/selfwork to order!

Click HERE for the NEW fabulous offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to camouflage underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by anyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Some common questions that I'll cover are:

• Is it ever “too late” to grieve?
• Does your grief mean that your faith isn’t strong enough or that you are failing?
• Is there a right way to grieve?
• Is there a right way to respond to someone’s grief?
• Do you ever get over grief?
• What’s the relationship between grief and shame?

As I often say, I feel as if I’m a conduit – a bridge – between people I’ve seen in the past and those that walk in my office today. I can try to help these present-day clients with lessons learned about grief from those seen in the past.

The listener voicemail is from a mom whose daughter is living with a man whose own mother seems to be trying to control him so that he’ll remain in the home with her – to take care of her etc. It sounds complicated for sure.

Advertisers Links:

Midi Health is a women's clinic, designed specifically for women's needs, and it's likely to be covered by your insurance! Go to https://trymidi.com/selfwork and then add Save 15 for $15 off your first order!

Find out what your "true age" is! Go to https://trudiagnostic.com/selfwork to sign up and get a discount for being a SelfWork listener!

Manage your hormones with the help of Happy Mammoth, a leader in women's health! Go to https://happymammoth.com/selfwork to order!

Click HERE for the NEW fabulous offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

My guest on SelfWork today is a career expert - Laura Gassner Otting - I've already been influenced by her new book WonderHell in quite a wonderful way!

Laura’s secret superpower is seeing your greatness and reflecting it back on you, so that you can get “unstuck” — and achieve extraordinary results. A regular contributor to Good Morning America, the TODAY Show, Harvard Business Review, and Oprah Daily, Laura is the Wall Street Journal Bestselling Author of three books, Wonderhell, Limitless, and Mission-Driven. I felt that power from the moment I began reading and I've found myself musing over small nuggets of her encouraging words well after I'd finished.

When you desire and then achieve success, there are surprising and challenging things that come along with it - but this book can help you work through those things (like fear...) when they very naturally emerge.

Advertisers Links:

Find out what your "true age" is! Go to https://trudiagnostic.com/selfwork to sign up and get a discount for being a SelfWork listener!

Manage your hormones with the help of Happy Mammoth, a leader in women's health! Go to https://happymammoth.com/selfwork to order!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

So, what is the difference between expectations, demands and boundaries?

Here are some questions to ask yourself.

What do you do when you feel disappointed by others? Do you isolate or judge? Do you get mad or sulk? Could it be that your very expectations are the problem? Is it different to voice your expectations than it is to secretly have them? Or is that playing a game that the other person doesn’t know you’re playing? And how do boundaries fit in here?

The listener email for today is from a young 21 year-old who feels tremendous loyalty to her family and feels “needed” by them. But she also feels very stuck and admits she can hold onto a victim mentality. She’s dealing with enmeshment it sounds like.. She’s asking how she can take baby steps to start living more independently… Wonderful question and I’ll do my best to give her some ideas.

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Click HERE for the NEW fabulous offer from AG1 – a free $76 value for new trials with bonus product with your subscription!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

John Crowley, my friend and incredible production engineer, chose this episode as one of his "second time around" favorites to present to you in my absence. My immense gratitude to him for taking the wheel!

What are the seven steps to work through disappointment? Here they are!

• Grieve first.
• Start getting perspective right off the bat.
• Consider and acknowledge what your own part was or is in creating the disappointment. That's utilizing your internal locus control.
• Acknowledge what you couldn't control, utilizing your external locus control.
• Build back your energy, enthusiasm by choosing to do things that will bring you pleasure. And those dopamine receptors will love that.
• Look for the windows that are opening as that door closes. Again, you might need friends to do that.
• Reassess your disappointment. Take time in the next two or three months or even six months to look back and say, “All right, how do I perceive that disappointment now?"

The listener voicemail is from someone who listened to my YouTube episode on enmeshment and wants to learn more!

Advertiser's Link:

Click HERE for the NEW fabulous offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

We can tend to keep secret the fact that home was chaos – you can fear being judged for it, even though you didn’t cause it. Please heed a trigger warning; the story is hard to hear. And if there was significant trauma in your own childhood, then please listen carefully.

You'll also listen to a voicemail that was sent to me years ago now but a woman who’d tried to talk with her therapist about her identifying with perfectly hidden depression. And her therapist argued with her – saying there was no way she fit criteria for depression. It’s a stunning problem to have… when your therapist’s lens doesn’t allow them to see what you’re trying to say to them. And it’s a special problem with perfectly hidden depression.

Advertiser's Link and Special Offer:

Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

There’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Many of you don’t remember the 1983 hit show Cheers. It was about a local Boston bar run by a recovering alcoholic who was still very much a playboy. The bar was peopled by everyone from a grandiose psychiatrist, a retired coach, a rather superior-feeling grad student, a mailman, and well... who knew what Norm did! . Characters fell in lust, in love, and out of love. But the strong message from the show was that everyone needed a place of acceptance and belonging - hence the lyrics of the Cheers theme song.

"Sometimes you wanna go

Where everybody knows your name

And they're always glad you came

You wanna be where you can see (ah-ah)

Our troubles are all the same (ah-ah)

You wanna be where everybody knows your name"

But that was 1983. A lot has changed – a lot. But today we’re going to focus on our remaining need as humans to have a sense of belonging and community - and to combat the loneliness epidemic that's the reality of so many.

One of those things is finding or creating what's termed a "third space." We'll focus on how to do that today on SelfWork.

The listener voicemail is from a guy who’s been told all his life that he can’t do things for himself – and he’s unsure of where to start – of how to begin or maybe redefine his own independence.

Vital Links:

Great article in The Atlantic called The Anti-Social Century by Derek Thompson was phenomenal.

Research showing attendance at only one cultural/community event decreases depression

Advertiser's Link:

Click HERE for the NEW fabulous offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Kandel brings her own successful recovery from anorexia and bulimia to this interview whose message is that full recovery is possible. She's the author of book "Life Beyond Your Eating Disorder, but in her establishment of a thriving clinician-led service organization, she stresses that you can free yourself from identifying with the disorder - and then become it. Eating disorders can far too easily become who you are.

Kandel seeks to empower readers by sharing her own past—how her youthful perfectionism and aspirations to become a ballerina fueled her need to control and numb her emotions, which stoked her disorder. She also offers practical advice: “My eating disorder gave me carte blanche not to have to do things that scared me: I didn’t have to feel . . . Basically, it protected me . . . from life.”

I loved this conversation. As someone with a history of anorexia myself, it gave me another chance to speak to my own vulnerability.

Advertiser's Link and Special Offer:

Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

There’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

She's a board-certified physician, speaker and thought leader dedicated to transforming healthcare and championing mental well-being. She’s a TEDx speaker known for her powerful talk on “Emotional Flatline,” which explores the emotional toll of the high-stress ER during the pandemic, and the struggle doctors have with depression. As the author of The Oxygen Mask Principle, Dr. Buchanan teaches self-care as a revolutionary act for working mothers, healthcare professionals, and high achievers.

She's also currently an ambassador with the Lorna Breen foundation that has a focus prevent physician suicide. Recently, she's taken a strong stance that she, as a Black physician, has to prove herself over and over - which is not only unjust, but adds intense pressure to her every day. Still, she's passionate about coaching physicians through burnout so that they can stay in practice. 

Vital Links

Dr. Buchanan runs a wellness and weight loss telemedicine site.       

Her website where she can be contacted for coaching, workshops, and speaking engagements

Advertiser's Link:

Click HERE for the NEW fabulous offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

In this episode of SelfWork, I’m thinking aloud a bit with you … if what we’re experiencing is a new kind of depression – one that’s mixed in with anxiety and fatigue. What’s it called? Optimism fatigue. It may not be diagnosable, but as I’ve considered my own situation, I realize that I’m having to dig a little deeper to find comfort that I can offer to others. It’s not that I can’t find it. But it’s harder. There’s a big difference between false enthusiasm and true optimism or hope. And I’ll hope that what I’ve learned from research and then, adding in my own two bits, will guide you in your own quest for emotional balance – and even optimism.

The listener email for today is from a young woman who’s despairing about the emotional abuse she’s received from several partners – yet yearns to create a family with children. I told her that I’d be using her question today so hopefully she’s listening – I’ll do my best to give her, and you, some helpful ideas.

Vital Links:

LinkedIn 2020 question from Warren Schlichting

SelfWork episode on languishing

Optimism fatigue versus languishing

Beth Burgess on the difference between optimism and positivity

The "wanting mind" as described by Dharma Wisdom

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

.

Most of us love to take tests like the Enneagram or the Myers/Briggs to find out what the test might have to say about our personality style or our strengths and vulnerabilities. But something you might also gravitate to – in thinking about what’s called your family of origin – or the family you grew up in – is talking about the roles each of the children played in the family - or what was your "job" in your family. The six most commonly agreed upon roles are called Hero, Scapegoat, Lost Child, Mascot, Caretaker/Enabler and Golden Child – and we’ll go through all of these in detail!

So today we’re going talk about the role you played in your family and maybe even the role you’re STILL playing in your family. And… as always… what can you do about it if you’re not profiting from it in a healthy way.

The listener voicemail is from a young woman who recognizes her role as “the golden child” in her family – as the one who can make no mistakes in a parent’s eyes. And her issue with realizing her mom – who is working on her own self-improvement – treats her sister very differently. And what should she do about that? I’ll have some ideas for her – and you.

Vital Links: 

Heidi Priebe's excellent Medium article on jobs children are given in families

Resource with even more "roles" children play

Advertiser's Link:

Click HERE for the NEW fabulous offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

It’s often a very moving moment when you leave therapy. Here’s someone that you’ve trusted and confided in for weeks or months – or sometimes even years. And it’s time to walk out of their office and do without that resource. As I like to say, it’s my job to do myself out of a job. And I celebrate with people I’ve worked with when they leave to hopefully use the skills learned, and enjoy the feelings of having worked through whatever pain or trauma had been plaguing them.

But there are other good reasons to stop therapy - and we'll talk about seven of them.

Our listener voicemail this week is a bit different; the topic is how to handle your feelings if you’re a caregiver, but the person you’re caring for led a life of self-neglect, which inevitably led to the illness they have now.

Vital Links:

Cathy Sikorski's SelfWork episode

Advertiser's Link and Special Offer:

Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

There’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

One listener told me recently that she wondered for a long time - “Did I allow my abuse?” How many of you feel to blame for your own abuse? And does that very shame and self-blame make it even more important to keep what happened secret? You bet it can. It’s this irrational shame we’re going to tackle. Because you’re looking back on what happened with the eyes of an adult - not through the eyes of the child you were. And that's a very vital distinction.

Our listener voicemail asks a simple question: How can I help my daughter who fits your description of perfectly hidden depression to a tee? I’m so scared for her. It’s a great question because it’s respecting or sensing how difficult it might be for your loved one to look at themselves with compassion.

Vital Links: 

SelfWork Episode: Learning how to feel and release difficult emotions –

Check out my YouTube channel !

Good Will Hunting YouTube clip

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You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

You may have heard about the French woman, Gisèle Pelicot, who was the victim of multiple rapes – by multiple men including her husband – while drugged. This occurred over several years. All men were found guilty.

I know many men who voice their horrors of marital rape, or any sexual violence. And I’ve worked with male victims of sexual abuse. Yet women live with fear every day – that the simplest of choices, like turning on a light when you get into your apartment or making a choice to jog a different way home – as now, if someone was watching you, they’d know where you live or they’d get you alone. The fear is constant for girls and women, and often occurs in marriage and families.

Our listener voicemail is from someone who finds that she’s mimicking the very harsh anger she’d heard from a parent - and hated – so what’s going on when you begin to do what you don’t want to do or become who you don’t want to be? She’s taken the first step of awareness and hopefully I can suggest the next ones.

Vital Links:

The Independent (Great Britain) article on the Pelicot case/arrest

HuffPost article by a victim of rape in response to the Pelicot case

Guardian article challenging the idea that "rape is more about power than sex" 

Psych Today article in 2022 giving marital rape statistics

Advertiser's Link and Special Offer:

Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

There’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

She's a devout believer in not wasting the time you have, not spending this moment in dread or apathy. Statistically speaking, we're given four thousand Mondays in our lifetime to live. So savoring those moments, realizing that every minute of every day holds meaning, is vital to your happiness.

Both in her book, You Only Die Once, and her TEDxtalk, she uses her quirky humor and very welcome common sense to urge each one of us to live more deeply and die with no regret.

Advertiser's Link:

Click HERE for the NEW fabulous offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

So, what is that solution? I’ll put in my two bits per normal here on SelfWork. And it has to do with not believing your thoughts but realizing that they may be painting a reality that’s simply not true.

Our voicemail today is from a listener in Australia – although her home is the US – and she describes going through a hard time – feeling alone – and how one of my podcasts on the good enough parent was helpful to her.

Vital Links:

The New York Times article by Matthew Shaer

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Click HERE for the NEW fabulous offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Dr. Burns is the best-selling author of the books Feeling Good and Feeling Great, which have sold over 7 million combined copies worldwide. Users of the Feeling Great App, have reported a reduction in depressive feelings, on average, a whopping 55%, with similar reductions in anger, loneliness, and other difficult emotions.

Advertiser's Link and Special Offer:

Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

There’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

The word that’s often used to talk about this is ‘boundary.’ Do you have trouble saying no? Or can you identify the how, when, where, and why to say no? Or put another way, when to say yes? We’ll focus on how much of your decision-making is affected by depression or anxiety, or even personality disorders that have a huge bearing on how you decide to say no.

Our voicemail today is from a young woman whose mother is highly volatile at home – but who can be quite loving and wonderful at other times. She’d read my article on borderline mothers, and it strongly resonated with her – I’m sure some of you can also relate. It’s a very confusing family dynamic but one that’s more common perhaps than you might think. I’ll have the article in the show notes.

Vital Links:

My YouTube Channel! Click here.

SelfWork episode on people pleasing

Advertiser's Link:

Click HERE for the NEW fabulous offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

I received an email recently that again brought to life the emotional cruelty that can be the reality of some children. In fact, his story reminded me of many others I’ve heard – of how someone in authority can be not just manipulative but emotionally abusive. The harm is intentional. The power exerted over that child is meant to demean – to assert complete dominance.

One of the hardest things about being a therapist is hearing the stories of what parents do to their children. Their stories stay in your mind and your heart, with images popping into your awareness when triggered by something you see on social media or in a movie. Because you know this stuff is real – what can go on “behind closed doors” as they say can be horrific.

So today on SelfWork, we’re talking about emotional abuse and the damage it causes. I’m going to ask that if you have severe trauma in your background, that you listen to this episode carefully. It may bring your own memories back into focus – and you might not be ready for that. I’ve included international help line numbers for you to use if needed.

Vital Links:

International Crisis Help Lines

Dr. Margaret's YouTube Channel

Link for self sabotage article in Psychology Today

Advertiser's Link and Special Offer:

Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

There’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

When you’re called “the couple from hell” by your own therapist, that’s something to think about. But Harville Hendrix and his wife of several decades, Helen Hunt, took that all in stride. They're the authors of the book “Getting the Love You Want” which sold millions of copies and put them, when it was published in 1988, on the top of the world of relational or couples therapy.

In this intriguing interview, they talk about how working through their own conflict led them to defining the stages that they’re now famous for identifying. And what’s even more refreshing – Harville especially gives credit to his own couples for coming up with the language to ask for what you want. Then Harville took their words and transformed them into concepts like mirroring, validation, and showing empathy, which were new to the field, as most clinicians had only been trained in individual psychotherapy. And at the time, couples work was mostly parallel psychotherapy. They were instrumental in couples finally facing each other in therapy – and listening to each other in a totally new way.

Their new book, “How to Talk With Anyone About Anything ” is their new passion. They teach how to build safety into conversations between all kinds of people, even those that vehemently disagree with one another. They both hope to guide people in how to actually listen and literally, talk with anyone about anything.

Advertiser's Link:

Click HERE for the NEW fabulous offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Our listener voicemail is from young woman, 20, who says she lives in an ethnic household, and after reading an article I wrote about borderline personality disorder – that she sees her mother as suffering with BPD. I’ll include the article in the show notes so that you can read it as well – and you might find yourself in the same boat as this young woman.

Vital Links:

ZAZZLE MERCH for SELFWORK!

The article on Eric Barker's work: The 4 R's rule for Emotional intelligence

My own post on borderline mothers: There are others if you search for borderline personality disorder in the search.

Psychology Today's free test on emotional intelligence

Other positive psychology ideas on emotional management

GoodReads suggestions for books on borderline personality disorder

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Have you been putting off getting help? It's 2024, and BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

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So, it's a grab bag of topics! Whether you're a SelfWork listener or you've read something I've written... somehow my work has reached you. And I love getting your questions!

More specifically, we'll discuss what's called anhedonia in depression, or losing the enjoyment or meaning in activities that you've always enjoyed. We'll also touch on entering therapy for the first time or with a second therapist, how parents can manipulate and the impact it has on their adult children's lives, and the difference between guilt and shame.

Vital Links:

The SelfWork Episode with Terry McGuire

The SelfWork Episode About Enmeshment Between Moms and Children

Advertiser's Link:

Click HERE for the NEW fabulous offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

I usually don’t have spiritual authors or leaders on SelfWork – not because I don’t believe in the importance of spirituality – but I’ve always kept my own spiritual beliefs more private from my work.

This time, Ashley Stahl - who not only has been on SelfWork as a guest, but has hosted for me – introduced me to our guest today. So I got very interested! And I’m delighted I read this book and met this woman.

Her name? Jessica Zweig. And her new book is The Light Work: Reclaim Your Feminine Power, Live Your Cosmic Truth and Illuminate the World.

How Jessica stepped into her inner power: 

"I’ve spent the last 9+ years helping industry giants (hello Google and Pinterest!) discover their superpowers and harness magnetic personal brands at my award-winning agency SimplyBe.

But I’ll let you in on a secret — behind the scenes, I was broken.

Completely and utterly burned out. I had built my business on a relentless cycle of toxic masculine energy and in 2022 I hit rock bottom — an insurmountable depression and physical depletion.

My path to “burning bright” began with a transformative journey to Egypt and a profound spiritual experience that changed who I am and my entire purpose in life.

It is this enlightenment, combined with my personal branding expertise, that enables me to guide you in stepping into the next, fully-lit, brightly shining version of yourself."

Advertiser's Link and Special Offer:

Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

There’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Today's SelfWork guest is Donna White, an expert in bio-identical hormone replacement therapy. She's the recent author of "Hormone Makeover" and has also built an academy, The Bio-Identical Replacement Therapy Academy, that trains medical practitioners from all over the world about effective hormone replacement. Whether you're man or woman, in perimenopause, menopause, or post-menopause, she's got information that will help you out!

Menopause can often bring depressive symptoms with it. Getting your hormones checked by a reliable practitioner or pharmacy is vital!

I very much enjoyed Donna's drive and her wide range of knowledge. I've found myself quoting her and her book in the last few weeks since I interviewed her.

Vital Links: 

Dr. Margaret's YouTube videos on perfectly hidden depression!

Advertiser's Link:

Click HERE for the NEW fabulous offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

If you're one of the people who blame easily, if you find fault with everyone but yourself, then that's a huge problem. Or if you're in a relationship with someone who rarely if ever takes responsibility, they could be suffering with one of the Cluster B personality disorders, such as borderline or narcissism.

Sadly, finding blame leads you to view life as if you’re a victim of injustice, or you're not appreciated. And justifying being angry - and staying angry - because of it.

Today, we'll focus on how blame can protect you, how it can reduce you, and what you can do about it.

Our listener email for today is from someone who listened to the recent podcast on grieving a parent, telling us how it affected her – so much so that she’s acting on the ideas within the episode.

Vital Links: 

The Harley Therapy article about blame

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Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Sadly, the news of Matthew Perry’s autopsy report broke recently and revealed the absolute unethical behavior of the doctors responsible for prescribing ketamine for him. As the story evolves, in case it’s helpful, we wanted to share this content below for your consideration about the difference between at-home vs. in-person ketamine treatment.

As people look for the safe psychedelic use of ketamine, Nushama Co-Founder and Chief Medical Officer Dr. Steven Radowitz has become the nation’s leading ketamine therapy doctor, having administered more than 8,000 journeys to 1,500 members over the past two years. Prior, Dr. Radowitz worked at St. Vincent’s NYC Midtown Medical Center, where he was Medical Director of the inpatient alcohol and opiate detox and treatment unit. He has been a DEA-licensed provider for buprenorphine maintenance treatment for opiate dependence for over a decade.

Advertiser's Link: 

Click HERE for the NEW fabulous offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Photo by Jess Bailey Designs.

One of the things I’ve been most grateful for in my life has been the sense of purpose that my work and my family have given me. And yet I know that many people don’t know what their sense of purpose is.

I’m going to hope this episode helps you begin to find your purpose. The mantra of SelfWork is “what you can do about it” – and so I’ll offer specific steps for you to explore.

Our listener email is from a woman from France and her comments to me about finding my TEDx on how to recognize perfectly hidden depression.

Vital Links: 

The Harvard Research study on finding your purpose

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Try one free week of the self-hypnosis app designed by hypnosis expert Dr. David Spiegel, a Stanford psychologist. Just click this link! You can try Reveri free for 7 days and use code MARGARET to lock in a 20% exclusive discount!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Here's a quick introduction!

I was caught off guard the other day when in my FaceBook group, I asked them to journal about a specific topic, and someone wrote that they didn't know what journaling was. So let's talk about journaling. What is it? How is it helpful? Are there specific problems where journaling is particularly helpful? What might make it hard to do? It's an incredibly powerful tool in many instances, but there can be problems and we'll talk about what to consider as you might choose to begin.

SelfWork's listener email today is from someone with perfectly hidden depression who reached out -- and didn't quite know why. She simply followed her heart and her gut -- which can be awesome to do.

Thanks so much to Christine!

Advertiser's Link: 

Click HERE for the NEW fabulous offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

I'm out on vacation this week and my friend and incredible audio engineer John Crowley takes over the host spot, as he picks one of his favorite episodes from previous years. And this one is truly out of the distant past! Only the eighth episode I ever recorded. Wow, listening to it brought back so many memories! (Mostly how nervous I was...)

But it's also a great example of how the focus here at SelfWork is "what you can do about it" as this episode is full of ideas to try and practice how to really listen. Hope you enjoy "second time around"!

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Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

And Vince wants that to stop. He wants anyone who believes that revealing emotional struggle is somehow weak or forbidden to realize there's no shame in talking. And he wants the harsh potential of not talking to sink in - that it could be you or someone you love staying silent, and losing the battle with a silent depression.

Vital Links:

You can reach Dr. Hafeli here!

Here's the link for international suicide hotlines. Please reach out!

Advertiser’s Link: 

Click HERE for the NEW fabulous offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

There were many times when I was actively parenting our child that I thanked a psychology researcher named Winnicott. When he was writing (decades ago...), mothers were blamed for everything - even autism was caused by a "refrigerator mom." Winnicott came along and let moms off the hook a little bit, saying that their caring – as long as it was good enough – as long as she was consistent enough, that most children would be okay. Fathers were left out of the whole pathology-causing picture, by the way.

Frankly, I had no idea how to measure “good enough” as a mom. Since it’s 2024, let’s include fathers in that equation. What makes a good enough parent? Is being good enough…. enough? We’ll talk about the answers to these questions today on SelfWork.

The listener email I’m going to share today brought tears of gratitude into my eyes. It was one of the kindest I’d ever received, although your kindness toward me is something you – as listeners - often show me.

Vital Links: 

Excellent article by Crista Balis on good enough parenting in Todays Parent Magazine.

 Article by Brittany Clair on Lucie's List about good enough parenting. 

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Try one free week of the self-hypnosis app designed by hypnosis expert Dr. David Spiegel, a Stanford psychologist. Just click this link! You can try Reveri free for 7 days and use code MARGARET to lock in a 20% exclusive discount!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

.

What are some of the situations when emotional distancing or detachment is healthy?

• When expressed boundaries or basic respect for those boundaries isn’t given
• When someone won’t take any responsibility for their hurtful actions or their impact on you or others
• When there’s been a pattern of ‘honeymoon’ with many “I’m sorry’s” and “that’ll never happen agains” – but it does
• When you need a break from neediness
• When others that you love and need to protect are being affected by the chaos
• When you’re getting divorced

Today’s listener email is from a woman from Poland who describes that she’s been scared about the schizophrenia that runs in her family. And she also talks about detaching from an abandoning and abusive dad – but could only allow herself to do that this past year. I’m always so touched when someone takes the time to write – and I’d love to hear from you.

Vital Links:

The podcast on unconditional love being used up

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You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

We'll discuss what it’s like to listen to the stories of those who trust you to create a safe space for them to talk – and what it means to “be there” for someone. What it’s like to hear things that are very hard to hear. And what it’s like to carry on with your own life as you do so. I’m going to offer a list of eleven necessary tools that I’ve learned to use over the years. What I hope is that that list is helpful to you as you go about the business of loving others and being there emotionally for them.

I should say that this episode isn’t a substitute for any mental health treatment that you might choose or need.

And I have two listener contacts to share with you, both of which made me smile.

Vital Links: 

Nash Fung TEDx

Zazzle link for The SelfWork Mug!

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You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

If you watched the Olympics, you saw Simone Biles not only succeed wildly, but demonstrate to all the world how important maintaining her mental health has been to her. She talked openly about regular therapy sessions and the meditation practice that you could see her doing between competitions. Today we’re going to talk about the concept of mental health versus mental illness. It’s a crucial distinction – and one that I think a lot of people get mixed up. As Simone said of her departure from the Tokyo Olympics four years ago: “Nor do I have to explain why I put my health first. Physical health is mental health.”

The voicemail message for today is from someone whose mother wants to treat her still as if she were a child – and tries to maintain control over her now grown daughter. I’ll have some ideas… although I’m happy to report that she’s read some of my work and that has offered her an explanation of why she’s feeling the way she does.

Vital Links:

The UK mind.org post on what creates mental health

Dr. Margaret's podcast episode on how to build self-esteem

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Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Even older adults have told me they feel "orphaned" after both of their parents die. So imagine what can happen when a parent dies when a child is young. There are all kinds of reasons for that child to feel as if their life will never be the same - that the loss makes it impossible to recover their innocence or contentment.

Today we'll hear from a listener who's describing this very dynamic. So much of what happens to a child depends on the adults around them. Yet, I offer ideas on what you can do about it as an adult yourself... as always. The death can't be changed, obviously. But how you live on, how you work through your grief, can be helped through these proactive steps.

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You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

But not too many people have two catastrophic medical conditions to cope with – and certainly not two that occurred in the span of a decade.

Lindsey Roy had just that.

At age 31, Lindsey Roy was named vice-president at Hallmark Cards — one of the youngest in the company’s more-than-100-year history. Her life was abruptly transformed five years later when she was nearly killed in a boating accident. Left with an amputated left leg and severe limb injuries, and facing a long and difficult recovery ahead, she was determined not just to heal, but to emerge stronger.

A second blow... 

Eight years post-accident, fully adapted to her circumstances and genuinely thriving, Lindsey confronted the unexpected again: she was diagnosed with a rare and progressive disease that destroyed the blood vessels in her lungs, requiring a double-lung transplant. This profound setback challenged her to actively shift her viewpoint in order to discover the hidden advantages of her situation and new depths of resilience in herself.

Now a sought-after speaker, she’s imparting these hard-won lessons to help you adapt, persevere, and innovate in your own life.

Vital Links

Lindsay's Roys 2017 TEDx

The Gift of Perspective - her first book recently published.

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Why? Because nobody particularly wants to realize or admit that your way of "being" has changed, without you trying to change it. And in fact, you may have become so accustomed to being somewhat depressed, that it can lull you into thinking, "Well, this is just my new normal."

So today, my incredible team, Christine Mathias and John Crowley, have taken over the podcast for this week and are going to introduce you to a few clips where I talk about this very thing - acknowledging and talking about your depression.

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You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

David is the director of the Spirituality and Mental Health Program at McLean Hospital. And he's an associate professor of psychology in the Department of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. He studies the relevance of spirituality to mental health. His own research has identified that faith is associated with improved treatment outcomes for depressed patients who see themselves as "spiritual beings."

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You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

I have a story for you that will illustrate how easily it can be affecting you in ways that you don't recognize... until you do. And healing from trauma can occur, perhaps slowly, but it's more than possible. As always, we'll focus on "what you can do about it."

Our listener email is from a young woman who watched my TEDx and decided to write me about her lifelong battle with depression – how she feels she’s a horrible disappointment to her parents – and in her short email, has only shaming and self-destructive things to say about herself. But there’s one thing she never mentions that seems so obvious… I hope I can help her see her condition differently, so she can take action toward a better life.

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Click HERE for the NEW fabulous offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

The three walls we'll focus on today are exhaustion, self-doubt, and saying, "I don't know" or "I need help." First, how to recognize that you’re coming close to hitting your wall (which will be different for everybody) way before a negative flow of energy or what’s called a negative spiral begins to happen. And second, what you can do about it and how you can use mindfulness to slow yourself down.

Our listener voicemail is from a guy that says, “Oh my god, everything is coming together… enmeshment, depression and perfectionism” but his sentence made me laugh so hard… as he laughed at himself!

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Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

I don’t quite remember when Penny Gray and I first talked. It was after 2019 when PHD was published. But not long after.

She’s the widow of a man, Dave, who tragically fit the rubric of perfectly hidden depression. She tells the story in this interview about how she happened upon the term "perfectly hidden depression" when she was seeking some kind of understanding about the “why” of her husband’s suicidal death. I am honored to share her story with you and could think of absolutely no better person to feature on our 400^th episode.

My respect for Penny is immense. She’s fighting severe kidney disease now on top of everything else, but has a passion to tell Dave's story. You’ll hear just how hard it was for her and her children as one minute, she was texting back and forth with her husband who seemed to be having a "moment" but saying he was ‘fine’, then killed himself 15 minutes after finishing a text to her.

"What kept you from revealing your pain?" 

What exactly kept Dave from revealing his pain? She’ll talk about what she’s pieced together, while at the same time, she’s still reeling from questions and emotions that she deals with every day. Her grieving family is left to try to understand, "What was so hard that you had to kill yourself?" But there’s no real answer. Just speculation. Wonder. And maybe a sense of one or two things that, with time, are becoming more clear.

I’m truly honored to introduce you to Penny Gray.

Click here for International Suicide Hotlines

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Photo by Sebastian Palomino.

Here's how she explains it: "When you are faced with life’s challenges, it’s easy to lose track of what’s important, get stuck in your thoughts and emotions, and become bogged down by day-to-day problems. Even if you’ve made a commitment to live according to your core values, the ‘real-world’ has a way of driving a wedge between you and a deeper, more meaningful life."

Vital Links: 

Dr. Hill's recently published daily journal!

Her podcast Wise Effort

Advertiser's Link: 

Click HERE for the NEW fabulous offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

But they're sharing this episode of SelfWork! And both are in response to listeners' questions and comments!

Cyclothymia is another one of those more unusual depression diagnoses (like we covered last week with PMDD) and one that doesn’t get much attention as its more dramatic cousins, Bipolar I and II. Yet it shares some of the characteristics of those cyclic disorders (hence the name cyclothymia). Dave wrote about his questions about his own diagnosis of cyclothymia and how much relief and help it brought him.

For this week’s listener email, I’m going to talk to you about a song by Taylor Swift, “I can do it with a broken heart.” A listener posted it in my closed FB group saying, “this sounds like perfectly hidden depression.” But is it?

Vital Links:

The link to the song by Taylor Swift: " I can do it with a broken heart"

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Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

This episode is in response to a listener's Instagram message to me about the "monster" that emerged every month from within her. So, I’m delighted to share with you what I know and have learned about PMDD through researching what the experts have to say. And I’ll offer a few really great support links in the show notes.

Our listener voicemail was hard for me to decipher – but the gist of it is that she’s describing that all she can think about is work and she feels very self-centered, with little empathy or support for others. Her pain is evident in her voice (in fact that’s probably one reason it was more difficult to understand).

Vital Links:

Incredible help and support with the International Association of Premenstrual Disorders

YouTube video featuring sufferers of PMDD

YouTube video of expert and up-to-date information about PMDD

Recent studies on PMDD

Cosmopolitan article on PMDD

What's happening hormonally with PMS

Advertiser's Link: 

Click HERE for the NEW fabulous offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

As a clinical psychologist, Marjorie developed the first program offering support for families headed by parents with intellectual disabilities in the province of Quebec, Canada. She fought for parents with intellectual disabilities to not be judged as “incapable” because of that disability. Yet in 2012, she sustained a spinal cord Injury in a car accident. Mother to a 16-month-old at the time, the accident and injury left her with paraplegia. Dealing with her own fear, her own drive, and all the feelings in between, Marjorie tells her story of learning to mother from a wheelchair – and what she learned about life in the course of doing so.

Marjorie Aunos, Ph.D. is 2021 Inspirational Speaker of the Year, an author, internationally renowned researcher, psychologist, adjunct professor at Brock University and UQTR, and a member at large of the Council of Canadians with Disabilities. She is the co-author of a book on Parenting Capacity Assessment and the author of Mom on Wheels: The Power of Purpose as a Parent with Paraplegia.

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Have you been putting off getting help? It's 2024, and BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

You may have lots of reasons, or excuses, or justifications. But I found out by reading the responses on (what I'm honored to say) is a viral TEDx talk, "How to recognize perfectly hidden depression", that so many of us need to know that this struggle is common - and doesn't have to be hidden.

Some of those reasons are: "It came on so gradually, I didn't notice," or, "I don't trust doctors," or "I"m afraid what will happen if I talk about a mental health struggle."

Today I answer the question of why you don't talk about your depression, and give you solid reasons why most of those justifications are just that... justifications. Not rational reasons. It' s not easy.... but there are so many benefits to seeking understanding and help.

Vital Links:

HealthLine article on common hurdles to revealing depression

Andrew Solomon’s TED talk

Ten traits of perfectly hidden depression

Advertiser's Link: 

Click HERE for the NEW fabulous offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Today on SelfWork Dr. Margaret offers nine helpful reminders that can guide you away from this guilt, so that you can stay on task and realize your goals.

Here they are:

One: Attaining goals isn't immediate. It takes time. Two: You can't avoid risk. Three: Your belief in yourself will wax and wane. Four: Life is a process not a product. Five: Ask for help if you're struggling. Six: Be aware of the impact of those around you. Seven: If you're in an overly controlling or abusive relationship, realize it. Eight: Have a growth mindset and know you can learn. Nine: Realize if your goal aligns with your values.

The listener email for today focuses on when trust is lost and what it takes to regain it.

Vital Links:

Dr. Mark Traverse's article in Psychology Today on productivity guilt

Trauma Bond Episode on SelfWork

My TEDx : How to Recognize Perfectly Hidden Depression

Advertisers' Link:

Have you been putting off getting help? It's 2024, and BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

.

Throughout his latest book, Mind Magic.  Dr. Doty unveils his six-part plan for harnessing your mind’s power to change your brain structure and reclaim your agency. He grounds you in practices for neurological transformation by strategically targeting your attention, desires, obstacles, intention, passion, and expectations, so you can consciously create the life you want.

In addition to his medical expertise, Dr. Doty has the lived experience of using manifestation to revamp his reality. After he went from rags to riches back to rags, Dr. Doty overhauled his thinking to focus on being spiritually and morally centered. In turn, the riches stayed for the long haul.

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Click HERE for the NEW fabulous offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

The main answer was, “No that’s not stupid.”

How have learned you matter or didn’t matter? How is mattering different from self-esteem? Or is it? And as always, what you can do about it – meaning what you can do about it if you feel you don’t matter.

Our Speakpipe message this week is from a mom who’s very worried about her son’s drinking and alleged abuse of his wife. There’s a grandchild involved as well… I’ll have a couple of ideas for her… and for you if you’re in this situation. It’s a really really tough one.

Vital Links:

Scientific American article on mattering

SelfWork episode on self-esteem and self-acceptance

SelfWork episode on trauma bonding

Mayo Clinic article on interventions with people who struggle with alcohol

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Have you been putting off getting help? It's 2024, and BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

"My bipolar disorder almost killed me." These are the words of Gabe Howard as he talked about his life with bipolar disorder. He's also an award-winning podcast host, author, and sought-after speaker. And he's someone that so many admire for his openness and knowledge around mental health issues - including me. In this episode, he talks about the ins and outs of being bipolar and passes on vital information about how to have a great life with bipolar!

In 2003, he was diagnosed with bipolar and anxiety disorders after being committed to a psychiatric hospital. It took him four years to begin to understand and cope effectively with his illness. But he's gone on to act as a huge advocate for mental health treatment.

Gabe hosts the weekly Inside Mental Health podcast for Healthline Media and is the author of Mental Illness is an Asshole and Other Observations.

Advertiser's Link: 

Click HERE for the NEW fabulous offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

In our email segment,I’m going to read a response one of my blogposts received a few months ago – from a partner who watches his wife dealing with enmeshment with her mom – and what kinds of problems that has caused.

Vital Links: 

Scripps News article: Why Are Americans Spending More Time Alone

New York Times Article on happiness phone call challenge

Simon Sinek post on the power of the eight minute phone call

SelfWork podcast on enmeshment

Advertisers' Link:

Have you been putting off getting help? It's 2024, and BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

I’ll read the messages and questions that several people had in contacting me, and will do my best to answer. We'll cover the gifts of being highly sensitive, but also some of the struggles inherent within it. But also this episode will have lots of great information for you – one link is a self-test for HSP researched and designed by the psychologist who coined the term HSP, Dr. Elaine Aron.

Vital Links: 

Dr. Elaine Aron's website where you can find the free self-tests!

Dr. Judith Orloff's website and her books on empathy 

Dr. Caroline Leaf's interview with Dr. Aron and tips and techniques to cope with it

Recent study comparing those who are HSP and those signaling they "have" HSP

Advertiser's Link: 

Click HERE for the NEW fabulous offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Ken takes the reader through the years his son served in prison and what they both learned; not all the letters they wrote are published. But you can see and hear the complexity of the emotions both experienced.

I sat down to read and four hours later got up. It was riveting.

Vital Links:

Get your SelfWork merch here on Zazzle!

Advertiser’s Links:

Have you been putting off getting help? It's 2024, and BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

What are some of these misconceptions? You're no longer in control. It takes too long and it's too expensive. Individual therapy is better than couples. And I'll also add some direct suggestions for those who might be talking about divorce.

Hope you'll listen in!

The listener email is one I won’t read. But it made me want to share a couple of my thoughts about why I do this podcast, and what I hope you take from it. And what I hope you don’t.

Advertiser's Link: 

Click HERE for the NEW fabulous offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Maybe it’s laughable. Maybe it’s not. But often, either the most self-centered or ignorant or awkward responses will come your way.

That’s what we’re going to talk about today on SelfWork. How NOT to say the wrong at the wrong time. I’ll use an article that one of my own clients told me about – an opinion piece from the LA Times written by Dr. Susan Silk and Barry Goldman a few years back. Their slogan? Comfort in, dump out.

The listener email is from a SelfWork listener about her identification as a HSP – a highly sensitive person - and both the relief and confusion that brings her.

Vital Links: 

Dr. Silk's article in the LA Times

A description of ring theory in Wikipedia

A wonderful article about HSP or highly sensitive people.

The article where I was quoted about grandparenting

Get your SelfWork merch here on Zazzle!

Advertiser’s Links:

Have you been putting off getting help? It's 2024, and BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

So.. what were the questions?

1) How to be real with your therapist about what’s not working...

2) Why do I want to feel that my therapist likes me?

3) How do I handle the fear that I’m “too much” for my therapist?

4) How to leave therapy...

Everyone in every profession has an innate or learned comfort level and interest in certain kinds of work. Therapists are no different. And clients also have “kinds” of therapists they prefer and want to work with. Today I'll answer these questions about therapy and more!

The Speakpipe voicemail for this week left me with several thoughts about the impact of chronic trauma and the lives of people who are living it, and at times, may be creating it.

I want to thank Choosing Therapy for including SelfWork in their top 15 podcasts on depression for 2024! And to thank all of you for tuning in, sharing, and helping to make SelfWork… work! You are the reason that we keep growing so my gratitude of course extends to you as well!

Vital Links:

Wonderful article on therapy in MindCenter

Get your SelfWork merch here on Zazzle!

Advertiser’s Links:

Have you been putting off getting help? It's 2024, and BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Dr. Spiegel is aiming to break the stigma around hypnosis and introduce its clinically backed power to the masses. He’s treated 7K+ patients suffering from chronic pain, insomnia, mental illness, eating disorders, addiction, and more with hypnosis, and cofounded self-hypnosis app, Reveri. The app offers personalized, guided sessions that mirror the experience of in-person sessions with Dr. Spiegel––and it works. Over 90% of users feel the immediate, impactful relief.

And you, the listeners of SelfWork, can get TWO free weeks to try out this new app! Just use this link: https://reverihealth.app.link/selfwork. I'm using it and I can see and feel changes already. And by the way, there's no financial gain for me if you try it out. I've featured this app and Dr. Spiegel because I believe it can help some of you - and it's what you can do about it.

SelfWork Merchandise!!! 

Get your SelfWork merch here on Zazzle!

Vital Links:

Link for your two week free trial of REVERI! 

Advertiser's Link: 

Click HERE for the NEW fabulous offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

If you’ve listened to SelfWork for a while now, you probably know that I experienced my first panic attack when I was in my late 20’s. Having them changed my life – I thought at the time, for the worse. But I’ve learned that, like many things, there are gifts that come into our lives that are initially experienced as unwelcome, unexpected, or hurtful.

We're also going to talk about treatment for panic. As my friend and anxiety expert Kimberley Quinlan says, to approach anxiety and challenge its hold on you, her mantra of “It’s a beautiful day to do a hard thing” applies.

The Speakpipe voicemail for today is from a young woman who describes her father as having narcissistic traits and at the least, has been emotionally and verbally abusive. He seems to have demanded that both of his daughters care for him rather than developing lives of their own – her mom died several years ago, and now, she’s asking me what to do. The tape is a little fuzzy at times but I’ll do my best to answer her question. My answer may not be as simple as you think...

SelfWork Merchandise!!! 

Get your SelfWork merch here on Zazzle!

Vital Links:

Kimberley Quinlan's guest post episode on working with your anxiety

Great article in Psych Central on stopping contact with narcissistic relative 

Advertiser's Link: 

Click HERE for the NEW fabulous offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Today we’re going to be talking about coping with fear, its difference from anxiety, and the unexpected gifts it has to offer.  I’ll offer several stories of people I’ve seen and what helped them begin to cope with their fear, whether it’s fear of failure, fear of being away from family, fear like in a phobia, fears of public speaking (one of the most common), fear of death. The range of fear we can feel is immense – but in this episode, we’ll focus on some of the positive aspects of fear.

The listener voicemail is from a listener who watched my YouTube video with Lewis Howes as well as seeing my and being a part of some FB Lives that I was doing at the time. What he noticed was that I seemed “different” during the interview than I did in the FB Live session… and he’d learned something positive from that. So we’ll feature his comments a bit later!

Vital Links:

Excellent article by Carey Rossi on the gifts of fear

Article on 'healthy fear' in the Washington Post

My interview with Lewis Howes

Get your SelfWork merch here on Zazzle!

Advertiser’s Links:

Have you been putting off getting help? It's 2024, and BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

I was honored to offer a TEDx talk this past year in Boca Raton, Florida. It's entitled "How to recognize perfectly hidden depression," and in it, I describe clients I've seen who'd never have seemed depressed to anyone around them. Two in particular are featured: one tried to take her life; the other came in well before that happened, but admitted he'd also had thoughts about doing the same. Having thoughts about wishing for the end of your life is much more common than many people realize—and we, as a culture, need to talk about those thoughts with one another much more transparently. Without judgment.

It's also imperative that those with an intent to die by suicide should get the help they desperately need. Yet the distinction between having thoughts about it and having a suicidal plan to carry it out is vital to understand. The first is a conversation; the second requires immediate action by whatever mental health provider or family member is told.

But if you don't feel safe to reveal such thoughts, how are those conversations ever going to happen? And that's what this episode is all about - how to talk about your depression.

The listener email is from a woman in Poland who's choosing to estrange herself from her abusive father; trust is earned not given, and there are certainly times when deciding that having no relationship - or estrangement - is the best way to protect yourself.

If you or someone you love is contemplating suicide, seek help immediately. For help 24/7, dial 988 for the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, or reach out to the Crisis Text Line by texting TALK to 741741. To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.

ZAZZLE LINK!!! NEW SELFWORK PRODUCTS! 

NEW PRODUCTS! Support SelfWork and Click here!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Let me say first… forgiveness isn’t an emotion. It’s a decision. A decision based on your beliefs, yes. But also based on information and emotional processing. And forgiveness doesn’t mean returning to or trying to be okay with abuse or manipulation.

So today once again, thank you to this listener for allowing us into her life in such a meaningful way. And I invite all of you to do the same – email me at  askdrmargaret@drmargaretrutherford.com.

Vital Links: 

Check out the work of Karla McLaren on anger and forgiveness.

Dr. John Sommers-Flannagan's work on forgiveness

Advertiser’s Links:

Have you been putting off getting help? It's 2024, and BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Many of us carry that lumpy mess of “hurt feelings” into our adulthood. Instead of saying, for example, “I want you to ask me what I think, or what I’d like, instead of assuming you know," you might say,  “You hurt my feelings all the time and you don’t even realize it.”

So today we'll focus on how to clean up those " hurt feelings" and express them in much clearer, healthier ways - that hopefully can lead to much better results.

Advertiser's Link: 

Click HERE for the NEW fabulous offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

I’m doing okay. Having some nightmares – which I suspected I would. My body is healing. My husband has been incredible. But I obviously got way behind – and so today I turn to Tina Turner who died this past year for a little inspiration for all of you.

This episode is about a night in my own life, when I realized that I needed to take a different role in my family. It’s what happens in healthy families. The change felt odd. But I realize now that it was the beginning of what should have been and needed to be. I think I love this concept so much because it uses a stage analogy. Roles change in families. And accepting those changes is part of being healthy in your own role, both on your own stage and the stage of your family.

Advertiser’s Links:

Have you been putting off getting help? It's 2024, and BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Our SpeakPipe voicemail  for today is also about anxiety; she's talking about anticipatory anxiety as she stutters and experiences fear of ridicule because of that.  Understandably.  So, I'm going to include her excellent question in our discussion of anxiety.

Vital Links:

Excuse Me As I Kiss The Sky - a book of poetry by Rudy Francisco

Link to A Guest House by the poet Rumi

Advertisers’ Links: 

We have a brand new sponsor of SelfWork – moonbird. What is it? It’s the world’s first, tactile breathing coach designed to fit in the palm of your hand. To try it yourself, click here and use the code SELFWORK!

Click HERE for the NEW fabulous offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

So today on SW, we’re going to focus on endings and grieving and three facets of grief that may be surprising:

• When grief is harder the second year and facing the future is hard
• When your grief means that you fear risking loving again
• When grief is characterized by "counterfactuals" - "what if's" for example - that keep you paralyzed and living the same life you did when the deceased was alive

Our Speakpipe voicemail today is from a daughter who’s looking for answers for her mom – after her mother has moved in with her own mother (the listener’s grandmother). “She feels a heavy energy…”. And asks how I can help…

Vital Links:

What are counterfactuals and how do they keep you stuck in grief?

“The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.”
― Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler

Advertiser’s Links:

Have you been putting off getting help? It's 2024, and BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

.

Mom enough. It reminded me of an early psychological researcher, Winnicott,  who was the first guy to stop blaming moms for all their children's psychological problems. He called it, "the good enough mother." And I know that's what I tried to be. Good enough. A

Rachel is also the founder of the popular social media community FindingJoy.net, as well as an author and host of the very popular FB page also called Finding Joy where millions of readers learn from her.  I loved having her on SelfWork - and I know you'll enjoy her thoughts about everything about motherhood. And realizing just how hard it is.

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Vital Links:

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

That's the topic for today. How to confront your fear of missing out (FOMO) or how to stop chasing the "next best thing" and instead, to live in joy (JOMO) or at least contentment. Here's Lauren Cook's and Dr. Cathy Sullivan Windt's definition of JOMO: "JOMO is the satisfaction one feels in the current moment, with accompanying acceptance of what one doesn’t have in that moment.” (their article is linked below...).

Vital Links:

Lauren Cook and Dr. Cathy Sullivan-Windt's wonderful article on JOMO:

An earlier SelfWork episode on FOMO

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Have you been putting off getting help? It's 2024, and BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Today we’re going to focus on how the inner child model of therapy has been used and what exactly does it mean. Simply put (which to me is always the best way), how much does a client realize and connect with the idea that their past is influencing their present. I’ll offer a story about how that connection is made in therapy if it has not been so far. It’s definitely something that many struggle with – as they battle the belief that what happened years ago might be impacting who they think of themselves now.

The listener voicemail for today is one I somehow missed last year – and I apologize for that! Because it’s an excellent comment: How do therapists experience their own struggles with what the listener called “moral injury,” compassion fatigue and burnout?  I’ll look forward to talking about my own struggles and way of trying to achieve, or I should say maintain, my own stability as a therapist.

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We have a brand new sponsor of SelfWork - moonbird. What is it? It's the world’s first, tactile breathing coach designed to fit in the palm of your hand. To try it yourself, click here and use the code SELFWORK!

Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

Vital Links:

VeryWell Mind article on inner child work

Forbes article on Internal Family Systems therapy

SelfWork Episode on Dissociative Identity Disorder with Lynn Barrett

Differences in moral injury and burnout

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Erin is a Top 1% podcast host, Founder & CEO of improve it!, and one of the most electric keynote speakers in the world, using her work as an improvisational actor to teach you and me how our bodies are trying to give us messages about the healing that needs to happen. She's been on global stages with companies like Amazon, LinkedIn, and The Obama Foundation.

As a graduate from Clemson University, a former experiential marketing and recruiting professional, and a veteran improviser from the top improvisational training programs in Chicago--including The Second City, Erin can speak to anything from how every day of your life is an "improv scene" to the moment she discovered her chronic back pain was a result of unresolved emotional trauma.

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Vital Links:

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Hopelessness. Feeling despair. And its counterpart – helplessness, which is believing that nothing can be done to prevent what’s happening - are two of the worst feelings of depression, and two of the ones non-depressed people often can’t seem to understand. Maybe even my own mantra that I repeat in almost every episode, “Look for what you can do about," for those who are fighting these two demons – sounds like I’m skimming the surface of deeper depressions and not talking about the heavy burden and darkness that you might feel.

Since I’ll be using much of this one listener’s email, we won’t feature another for today. I promise you this listener’s life holds much to be understood, and to have compassion for.

She did say toward the end, “I felt the need to write this.  Much of it has never seen the light of day.  Perhaps that alone might help?

I can only hope that featuring her email might help as well.

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We have a brand new sponsor of SelfWork - moonbird. What is it? It's the world’s first, tactile breathing coach designed to fit in the palm of your hand. To try it yourself, click here and use the code SELFWORK!

Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

Vital Links:

Dr. Margaret's podcast episode on "stinkin' thinkin'

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

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I tuned into a Hidden Brain episode  this week that discussed a recently researched concept of grief in a very personal way, as resilience researcher Lucy Hone told the story of her own nightmare - the death of one of her children. So, I wanted to pass her ideas on to you – as you might be one of those people who are struggling with grief – and not knowing how to get out from under its shadow.

Our listener email is a from a listener who says he’s been diagnosed with what’s called “schizoaffective disorder” – and wonders if I know much about – or can help him with – intrusive thoughts that he can’t seem to rid himself of.

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Vital Links:

Stroebe and Schut research in 1999

Resilient Grieving: How to Find Your Way Through Devastating Loss, by Lucy Hone, 2017

My own recent podcast on grief

Schizoaffective disorder symptoms

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

I’ve been in the dumps.

So today we're going to spend some time talking about being in the dumps and the slumps - as well as getting over the humps (the murky middle of a journey where you can lose sight of hope. And as always, "what you can do about it."

Our Speakpipe voicemail of the week is from a woman who checks in with my website and left a message there – which all of you can do at drmargaretrutherford.com! Love her question about whether to “let someone with apparent BPD” know that you’ve learned what they did in a fit of rage. It feels like you’re keeping a secret.. and a powerful one… But what makes it so powerful? That’s where my answer will lie – how does this voicemailer want to use that power?

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We have a brand new sponsor of SelfWork - moonbird. What is it? It's the world’s first, tactile breathing coach designed to fit in the palm of your hand, which provides real-time biofeedback. Created for those grappling with stress, anxiety, autism, or insomnia, it's a compact device that aids users through soothing breathwork exercises. For their special Black Friday offer of 20% off (November 20-27th, 2023) or 10% off after Black Friday, click here and use the code SELFWORK!

Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

I’m so excited about this new SelfWork sponsor and I’m doing something a bit unusual and letting you know about it today! Because they have a Black Friday double discount offer that’s sensational – and I wanted to quickly pass it on to you!

The product is moonbird..

Used by over 25,000 people in Europe, moonbird is the world’s first, tactile breathing coach designed to fit in the palm of your hand, which provides real-time biofeedback (which I was trained in years ago and very much believe in!) Created for those grappling with stress, anxiety, autism, or insomnia, it's a compact device that aids users through soothing breathwork exercises..

It's the brainchild of Stephanie Broes (a PhD researcher) and her brother, Michael, and was created out of her experience suffering from insomnia and exhausting all other options

What does it do? Moonbird uniquely measures your heart rate and heart rate variability to guide you to change your own breathing patterns when you download their free app – but basically you hold device in your hand – and you can feel it moving in and out. And you follow it. Simple as that.

Just click here and enter the code SELFWORK for $20 off this week! It's for Black Friday week only! If you balk at the price, think of all the sleep aids you’ve bought over the years – I have a drawer full of them!

All I can say is – enjoy! And learn to breathe! It’s what you can do about your stress, your insomnia – and your life!

Photo Attribution: Tim Goedhart/Unsplash

Dr. Sanam Hafeez is an NYC based licensed clinical psychologist, and the founder and Clinical Director of Comprehensive Consultation Psychological Services, P.C. a neuropsychological, developmental and educational center in Manhattan and Queens. Dr. Hafeez masterfully applies her years of experience connecting psychological implications to address some of today’s common issues such as body image, social media addiction, relationships, workplace stress, parenting and psychopathology, and often shares her credible expertise to various news outlets in New York City and frequently appears on CNN and Dr.Oz.

Advertisers' Links: 

Click HERE for the NEW fabulous offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Self-reflection isn't about over self-involvement: it’s what we humans can do to get perspective and learn ways you might be getting in your own way of creating the life you want. Show you how to move out of depression or anxiety. And when you pair self-reflection with action - it can lead to healing change. 

So here are the self-reflective questions that lead to action that we’re looking at today.

• What am I needing to still learn? What have I learned?
• When do I recognize that I need to put something new in place?
• Where was I last year at this time? What did I learn? What did I find out about myself?
• Why am I doing what I’m doing? What’s my purpose?
• How do I want to put the answers to these questions in place in very real ways in my life?

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Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

The SpeakPipe voicemail is from a listener who wants to know how she can determine her own diagnosis, if it’s CPTSD or BPD. She’s worried about her own kids – so I’ll do my best to answer her. But let’s just say – anyone who’s concerned about their impact on their children already may have my vote as NOT having BPD – but we’ll talk more about that dynamic.

Advertisers' Links: 

Click HERE for the NEW fabulous offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Talking about narcissism has become somewhat of a national pastime in the US at least. Everyone is calling someone who used them or who they felt manipulated by a narcissist. And perhaps they are – or were. But what exactly is narcissism and how is it different than healthy self-esteem? Is it on a spectrum or can it ever be helpful?  Is it necessary to have a bit of it to have self-confidence?  And how does humility play into this? Or is "humility" weakness?

I’ve seen some dramatic examples in the last few years of things going wrong for my clients– when the focus on self and the need to be and look successful has led to a huge escalation of depression (sometimes silent as in perfectly hidden depression) due to way over-the-top feelings of failure – rather than allowing that to be an example of making a mistake and learning from it. Or of life handing you some hard, even cruel, or tragic experiences.  In our self-focused world, this kind of acceptance can be punitively described as accepting failure -  instead of what humility truly is – recognizing your true place in the universe, not buying in too much to your successes, your desires, or your failings.

To me, humility is the moderating factor to prevent narcissism from becoming destructive, and instead promotes self-esteem and self-love rather than self-worship or self-centeredness.

The listener email today is about finding out about a spouse’s affair with a work colleague and how to discuss whether the spouse should leave that workplace or not. It’s a sticky discussion and one I’ve witnessed many times in my office as a couple tries to balance regaining trust with other factors, like financial stability.  People have tried some very unhealthy solutions which’ve only created more distrust, not less. Regaining and rebuilding trust can be a full-time job, but months of hypervigilance isn’t going to be helpful.

Vital Links:

Psych Central article written by Hilary Lebow on healthy versus unhealthy narcissism

Article by Dr. Dimitrios Tsatiris on the power of humility

https://drmargaretrutherford.com/005-selfwork-after-an-affair-the-essential-steps-of-regaining-trust/

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We welcome back BiOptimizers and Magnesium Breakthrough as a returning sponsor to SelfWork and they have a new offer! Just click here! Make sure you use the code “selfwork10” to check out free product!

Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

All of these listeners are dealing with situations that have been ongoing for months if not years – so even though they don’t necessarily say “I’m depressed,” yet these kinds of relationship problems that drag on and on can certainly be a set-up  for symptoms of depression, like hopelessness or helplessness.  All three are about boundaries – the difficulty of setting them, of maintaining them, and  when you get hurt by or don't understand them.

Advertisers' Links:

Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

We welcome back BiOptimizers and Magnesium Breakthrough as a returning sponsor to SelfWork and they have a new offer! Just click here! Make sure you use the code “selfwork10” to check out free product!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

I'm offering seven ideas (keeping in the swing of things): three on how to avoid the itch altogether; one to use if you feel the itch to leave or to not act out what you know is best; and three more to help you keep on keeping on, growing in trust and intimacy with one another.

I'll announce the winner of Marriage Is Not for Chickens as well!

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Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

Research Links!

Wikipedia's take on the seven year itch

Dr. DiDonato writes in Psychology Today about seven year itch

Your career and the seven year itch

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, The Selfwork Podcast.  Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

But ADHD contains hyperactivity as a symptom of the disorder; what used to be called ADD, or simple attention deficit disorder, is now labeled as inattentive ADHD. And these kids (and adults) often slip through the cracks of adult recognition, because they're seen more as daydreamers, or unmotivated, not causing the classroom behavioral problems that hyperactive kids can seem to create. But they still can truly struggle and... go unseen.

Cynthia Hammer has a new book, Living with Inattentive ADHD:  Climbing the Circular Staircase of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, where she offers her own hard-earned wisdom of living with IADHD. I found the book at times chilling because of the dangers she could put herself in, poignant as she lives through tremendous sorrow of the accidental death of her first child, and hopeful, as - at almost age 80 - she shares what she's learned about surviving and thriving.

Advertiser's Link: 

We welcome back BiOptimizers and Magnesium Breakthrough as a returning sponsor to SelfWork and they have a new offer! Just click here! Make sure you use the code “selfwork10” to check out free product!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Today we’re focusing on the mind/body interaction – how your brain processes physical and emotional pain – as well as a brief touch on what are called somatic disorders. But what I want to focus on how your body might be expressing the pain or trauma you’ve experienced in your life. It's an intriguing topic and one I hope you'll enjoy.

The listener voicemail is from a daughter who believes her mom may have something to do with her being ill and not knowing how to leave or get other help. This could be something called “munchausen’s syndrome by proxy” which is a very complicated dynamic – but it might also be that this daughter’s mom has been part of her trauma. I’ll offer suggestions for both..

Advertisers' Links:

We welcome back BiOptimizers and Magnesium Breakthrough as a returning sponsor to SelfWork and they have a new offer! Just click here! Make sure you use the code “selfwork10” to check out free product!

Click HERE for the NEW fabulous offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

Scads of Important Links!

A recent Forbes article… discussing how your brain processes physical and social pain.

Depression Isn't Simply A Chemical Imbalance Part One (SelfWork Podcast)

Depression Isn't Simply A Chemical Imbalance Part Two (SelfWork)

An article on somatic disorders found on VeryWellMind.

How To Become An Emotional Grownup I don’t have time sadly to discuss all of it...

A recent Psychology Today article about different techniques that you can try to "get at" your body's holding on to trauma. And encouraging it to let go.

Article on FDIA. Facticious Disorder imposed on another

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

This was Christine's choice as one of her favorites, and she introduces this week's episode in this "second time around" listen. The focus is on how to interview a potential therapist, a task which stop SO many people from even trying therapy. I agree with her about how important this info is. So I hope - actually we hope - it's great info for you.

The listener voicemail today is from a woman who’d read one of my blogpostarticles on challenging or working through the shame that you've carried around, quite without rational or reason, because you felt invisible to others, and thought whatever happened to cause your shame was somehow your 'fault.'

Advertisers' Links:

Click HERE for the NEW fabulous offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

Vital Links:

The podcast episode also talking about the problem of feeling invisible. 

An Unquiet Mind written by Kay Redfield Jamison,

My first podcast episode on What Is Good Therapy?

An Open Counseling article explaining licensure and training differences between therapists

My podcast on whether to terminate therapy

The different family roles that you can adopt and play

You can hear more of many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then clickhere and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And here's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

I’ve had so many guest interviews on SelfWork – really wonderful researchers and authors, therapists and thinkers. But there’s something very special about someone coming forth to share their message when they’ve learned something the hard way – and they want to help others either through what they went through or to avoid it in the first place.

Jane Epstein is this kind of person. She tells her story in this episode about how her life was dramatically impacted by her brother sexually abusing her. It took her years to put the pieces of the puzzle together, making connections between past and present that were difficult and painful to make – but also were freeing.

Many of you who are listening may have experienced something similar – and have tried, as Jane did for many years – to sweep it under the rug. A stepsister or stepbrother, an older sibling – and you’ve blamed yourself. Or felt a shameful heaviness.

Please know, you are far, far from alone.

Advertiser's Links:

We welcome back BiOptimizers and Magnesium Breakthrough as a returning sponsor to SelfWork and they have a new offer! Just click here! Make sure you use the code “selfwork10” to check out free product!

Vital Links:

Jane Epsteins TEDxBocaRaton Talk:

Great sexual abuse website for sibling abuse:

The 501-3-C non-profit 5WAVES.org - Jane's (and others) website for support

International Sexual Abuse Hotline thru RAINN

I want to thank Jane and all other survivors of abuse who’ve come forward. It takes tremendous courage.

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, The Selfwork Podcast.  Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Episode Transcript:

Speaker 1: Dr. Margaret
This is SelfWork. And I'm Dr. Margaret Rutherford. At SelfWork, we'll discuss psychological and emotional issues common in today's world and what to do about them. I'm Dr. Margaret and SelfWork is a podcast dedicated to you taking just a few minutes today for your own selfwork.

Welcome or welcome back to SelfWork. I'm Dr. Margaret Rutherford, and we have a wonderful guest for you today. I wanna make sure you hear however, that this episode does discuss sexual abuse, sibling sexual abuse. So please heed a trigger warning and we'll have sexual abuse hotline suggestions in the show notes.

You know, I've had so many guest interviews here on Selfwork, really wonderful researchers and authors, therapists and thinkers. But there's something very special about someone coming forth to share their message when they've learned something the hard way, and they want to help others, either through what they went through or to avoid the experience in the first place.

Jane Epstein is this kind of person. She tells her story in this episode about how her life was dramatically impacted by her brother sexually abusing her for a six year period of time. It took her years to put the pieces of the puzzle together, making connections between past and present that were difficult and painful to make, but also were very freeing. And I want to quickly say, many of you who are listening may have experienced something similar and have tried, as Jane did for many years, to sweep the memories under the rug. Maybe it was a stepsister or stepbrother, an older sibling, and you've blamed yourself or felt a shameful heaviness. So that's what we're talking about today on SelfWork.

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Speaker 1: Dr. Margaret
I should tell you before we begin, how I met Jane Epstein. She actually did a TEDx talk for Boca Ratone and I watched it and we had the same coach. That's sort of a neat bond for us to share, but we talk about our TEDx experience a little bit here too. So please listen to this episode. Please click the link to Jane's TEDx talk, which will be in the show notes, or go to my website, drmargaretrutherford.com, and you can find it there. Another website that Jane has told me about, which is really wonderful is www.siblingsexualtrauma.com.

But just know you are far, far from alone.

Speaker 1: Dr. Margaret
I couldn't be happier to have you on SelfWork Jane, because I have listened to your TEDx many, many times. And we shared a coach, which was kind of fun. And so I, I looked at yours as to say, well, what would it be like to to work with Brian Miller? But I personally today wanna hear more about your story. About one of my questions as I looked at it is, how did you talk to your family about it? Or, or did you say, "No, it's my story to tell."  Just what and what made you, what brought you to TEDx in the first place?

Speaker 2: Jane Epstein
First of all, thank you for having me on your show. Of course, I, I have listened to a couple of your podcasts and I, I've listened to you and I've listened to your TEDx and you are very trauma informed, and you are very kind and compassionate and lots of wisdom. So I appreciate being on your puck. Thank you.

First thing, what brought me to TEDx and how did I tell my family? Me, I don't remember the exact timeline, but I started Googling sibling sexual abuse and trauma, and I couldn't find anything on it. And I, I had this feeling that I wasn't the only one. I thought, I can't be the only person. 'cause I found two outdated articles that stated that it's a silent epidemic, right? I was, okay, well, if it's an epidemic, I'm clearly not the only six year old little girl. My my sibling who was 12 at the time, is not the only 12 year old child who, who an abused a sibling. So I just was called to start talking about it, and I reached out to my sibling. It was very awkward. And I expressed to him, I said, "I feel called to start talking about this and sharing my story because no one's talking about it. And it's a silent epidemic." And he said he understood and that he would support me in whatever way he can.

Speaker 1:
I get chill bumps when I hear that.

Speaker 2:
Yes. He, I'm, I have a very unique situation. I've been able to forgive him. I can call him and ask him questions. I'll say, I had this memory, is this true? And he's very careful to not give me more information. Mm-hmm. , because he knows I have enough to work with. I don't need any more triggers. I don't need any more memories. Mm-hmm. . And I also think that because of what happened between us, that he's hypervigilant and that he's got his eyes on other families, and that he sees that there could potentially be problems and sexual abuse occurring. And because sibling sexual abuse is so prevalent and not talked about, I think we are seeing things and not always able to put our finger on it. In

Speaker 1:
Your talk, you quote in your talk, you quote statistics like it's three to five times - It happens three to five times more than father daughter abuse, which is incredible. It starts earlier. It lasts for years often. So you're right. And it, it is something I, I remember I wrote a post on sex, uh, sibling sexual abuse. I got all kinds of comments. So yes, you're exactly right.

Speaker 2:
Yes. I listened to your podcast on the sibling sexual abuse, and it was very well done. Thank you. You're, you're very informed, . Thank you.

So I started talking to my brother and I said, I need, we need to talk about this. We need to, we need to do this. Um, or I need to do this. And I had these great grand visions because there's so much work that needs to be done. Well, it's a marathon on its front . So I started pitching the media, it, my emails were either not opened or not responded to. One response was, "Well, we haven't ever talked about that, but if we do, we'll reach out". And I'm thinking, you're not gonna talk about it. So I come across a video with Brian Kenneth Miller, our joint TEDx coach. And he had gone through, what is a TEDx? What is a TEDx?

Speaker 2:
What is not a TEDx? Because I thought, "Well, I'll go on TEDx and I'll share my story and I'll raise the alarm bell." Well, TEDx is not sharing your story, but I thought, well, I'll book a call with him anyways. So I booked a call with him and he said, "A tough topic, but I think we could come up with something." So we started talking about it, and it is, it's a tough topic, it's a dark topic. And Brian was never told me this, but he was concerned, how am I gonna get on the TEDx stage? Mm-hmm. . So we started going down the path of how to support someone who's been through a traumatic event. And I was gonna slide sibling sexual abuse and trauma through the back door. Okay. Which would not have been a great talk because there's lots of how to support people who've gone through trauma. It would not have been

Speaker 1:
Not unique,

Speaker 2:
Impactful, not unique, not impactful. It might have gotten on stage, but not likely. So then I heard from TEDx Boca Raton, and I sat down with Eric and Eric said, look, you know, we like your idea, but we really wanna know more about the sibling sexual abuse and trauma. Can you talk just about that? And I said, yes, I can. And I pointed to all my research books and I started spouting off all these statistics. And he said, "Great, that's what we want you to talk about". And I said, excellent. And that's how it all started. And I didn't mean to be on the TEDx, it's just that's kind of where I landed. And I, you know, once I was approved and started practicing my TEDx talk, I started having all the anxieties of speaking in front of a large crowd, but practiced and practiced and practiced. And the day I got on that stage, I just, they basically, there's something magical about that red dot. Maybe it's true. I got on that red dot and all was okay. But I was shaking..

Speaker 1: Oh, I was perfectly calm. .

Speaker 2:
It's amazing what you can make, even though the camera, you know, the camera shows all, oh, it was done. Well, you did aYou did a really wonderful job.

Speaker 1: And, and one of the things that I thought was so powerful about it, again, you've already mentioned it, was that your, your brother had, he had apologized, but then he had, you had written to him years later and he said, "Oh gosh, I didn't know this was still a thing for you." So I'm sure this solidified for him, again, the seriousness of the trauma, the impact that that had had on you, uh, and that it had, it had, uh, impacted your choices as an adult. And when you left home and it was, it was a elegant story. Well, it's, call it elegant is missing the point of that. It was very painfully uh, impactful. So, um, yeah, I mean, you made, you made some career choices that were obviously you trying to get back in control, but it didn't work.

Speaker 2:
Right. Right. And I'm not sure he understands the full impact. We've never sat down and, and talked about it. It's, it's like, it's a, it's a strained relationship.

Speaker 1:
Okay.

Speaker 2:
Um, but it, it's friendly enough in that I can reach out to him. I haven't reached out to him for a while, but I would can reach out to him and say, "I had this memory, is this a false memory? Is this true? Is this what happened?" And he is very careful the way he answers it, because he does, doesn't wanna trigger me and give me more memories. 'cause I have plenty to work with. Sure. He understands why I'm so public. He's not exactly thrilled about it. But, you know, I was in the People magazine and I had to run that by him. And, and the pictures, I ran the pictures by him. And that, it's hard. Uh, it's hard because it's putting him in a, in a, in a tough situation. But in my situation, in my story, my sibling is not a monster. My sibling is not a pedophile. My sibling caused a lot of harm, caused a lot of damage, caused a lot of trauma. And I, I have forgiven him. Um, and I'm not telling every survivor, you have to forgive to heal. That is not my, that's not my thing. It's just that's what worked for me. And it started by forgiving the little girl first, my little girl myself. And then I was able to forgive him.

Speaker 1:
Well, an aspect of this that I wanted to talk to you about a little bit more was you opened the talk by saying that you were in marital work with your husband, and your therapist turned to you and said, "I, I just don't get where all this anger is coming from. It doesn't seem to fit the situation." And, and then ask the very astute question of, "Is there something that might be, is triggered by what's going on with your husband? And that's what's, that's what we're seeing". And you, did you, did you connect the dots right then? Or did it take you a while? It took a while. It was your sexual abuse that was getting somehow, maybe you can talk about that a little bit. What was getting triggered with your husband?

Speaker 2:
Right. Many years before, before we were in counseling, something happened in the bedroom that, that triggered a memory. And that memory would not go away. Usually memories would come and go and I could put them away. And I thought it was just two kids being curious. That's not my problem.

Speaker 1:
Okay.

Speaker 2:
I thought because I'd lost, I lost my first husband to cancer and I got remarried to my, my husband. Now I try not to use current husband 'cause he doesn't like to be the current husband. .

Speaker 1:
Well, my husband calls

Speaker 2:
Himself

Speaker 1: )
. We've been married 33 years, and he calls himself my current husband. So ,

Speaker 2:
He's a good sport then. Yeah. . Yeah. So I had thought, I knew we had two small children. He had a stressful job. I had, I was still dealing with grief. And I thought, that's why I'm angry. That's why I am upset. That's why I was not depressed in my brain. I was not depressed because no, I had survived burying my first husband, and I survived that. So there's no way I could be depressed.

Speaker 1:
I have a, I have a book for you to read, . I know

Speaker 2:
You do. I am in that category. So we eventually went to marriage counseling and I went into the marriage counseling thinking, okay, he's gonna fix my husband, gonna fix him. Well, I had work to do too, fix too, when it comes to that. So we were in counseling for five years and we really had made a lot of progress. But I was still very, very angry. And I had asked myself, I had dug down and I thought, maybe it's something inside of me. I've tried to turn over every stone that maybe there's something inside of me that needs work. Mm-hmm. . So when the marriage counselor asked that question, I thought, well, there is this. My brother sexually abused me. There's that. And I approached it as, it can't be that because I participated. Right. So who am I to be messed up over that?

Speaker 2:
And the counselor, I kind of describe it as the deer in the headlights look. He's kinda like trying to sit still and kind of leaning in and trying to be very calm, realizing, okay, this is a big deal. No, what happened is a big deal. Right. And that it went on and off for six years. And that No, that was a big deal. And he said, "You're gonna need to tell Steve". And I said, huh. Steve's my husband. Mm-hmm. Current husband mm-hmm. . I said, oh, no, because then he'll be able to blame all our marriage problems on me. And he said, you need to be able to tell him to protect yourself in order and to, to be able to heal. So that's how that all started. And then I started a whole new healing process.

Speaker 1:
It's amazing. I've told a story on, on SelfWork about a woman. Um, and I already put a cautionary warning before we started. So great. Uh, a woman came in to see me who, um, it was the local community center. I literally had just gotten to Arkansas where I live now. And, and she said, you know, she told me about sexually abu abuse that her father had, um, had done to her. And then she, and there was this huge sense of relief. And then she came in the next week and she said, I've got something worse to tell you. So I sat back and said, all right. And she said, my dad made me do things to my brother . And she, she was a tough cowboy kind of woman. She had boots and, you know, she was farm girl. I mean, she was tough as nails.

Speaker 1:
And she teared up and, and we talked about it. And then she, she canceled her next appointment. And I called her and said, I'm, you've, you've shared so much with me, I'm a little concerned that you're not coming back in. Yeah. She said, well, okay, I'll come back in one more time. And she looked at me, Jane, and she said, I thought I would, I knew the look that would be on your face when I told you that I had done something to my brother. Because from her perspective, she had participated rather than being coerced herself. You know, it was, it was her doing something to her brother. And I said, you know, so, and she said, but the look on your face was not condemnation. It was, well, of course you did what your dad told you to do. Right. Um, and then there are other instances I I, uh, I mentioned before when we were just talking about a, a little girl who wore a red nightgown for her brother. Um, because she, she said, I enjoyed the attention. I knew something was wrong, but I, I didn't get any attention from anybody except from him. And so it was very complex and very complicated. But that whole idea of participation is so, um, is, is so confounding for any victim of sexual abuse, but especially with sibling sexual abuse, I think.

Speaker 2:
Yeah. And I, I wanna share with you that I've actually had some people who, when I, when I speak about the child who caused harm, there are situations where the child causes a lot more than harm. And I try and, and, and lower it a little bit so that parents hear me. Mm-hmm. , because if I scream your child, the pedophile or your child, the monster, your child, the perpetrator, they're not going to hear me. Right. 'cause if I talk about it in a more gentle as your child who caused harm, they're more likely to hear me. So that's why I approach it that way. But I understand that there are survivors out there where it was a lot more than harm. Yes, I understand that. Yes. But I have heard from people who have caused harm and they are suicidal. You're right. And so that's why we talk about this, because we don't want our children to be on any side of it.

Speaker 2:
Or I feel like if we raise awareness, if we educate our children, maybe we can lessen the numbers. You know, if we talk to our teenagers when they're 10, 12 and explore with them, say, Hey, you're experiencing a lot of changes. You've got a lot of questions. And I understand you may not be able to come to me as your parent, but you are at risk of harming another child, either a younger sibling or a cousin. And so we need to talk about this. What do you know when you have these feelings? And, and we need to talk about pornography. So that's why I I I am, it's an all encompassing, it's a whole family trauma. And, and I work very closely with the women of Five Wave, I dunno if you know anything about the Five Ways, but there's three parents and two survivors.

Speaker 2:
We've come together. And so the parents have shared their stories when they discover sibling sexual abuse and trauma in their homes and what the parents go through. Yes. What the survivor goes through, what the person who cause harm goes through. If we just talk about it and raise awareness and, and educate people and quit shoving it under the rug, maybe we can lift the numbers. Maybe we can get people help. Because you are a very, you're an informed therapist. You, you are very informed. A lot of therapists I've heard from survivors, they'll, they'll tell a survivor, well, you know, kids are curious. You are very informed. We need more of you . We really do.

Speaker 1:
Let me ask you something. Are there statistics? 'cause I'm not aware of them. If there are, and I'd love to know, um, about how many of the siblings be they girls or boys, we might point out it's not necessarily, um, and of course, or, or any gender identification. Um, absolutely. And how, what are the statistics on whether they have been abused themselves and then turn around and abused?

Speaker 2:
Unfortunately, we don't really have those statistics. We need more research. And the women of five Waves, we've actually had people, researchers are reaching out to us, asking us to share their surveys. So there is progress. Again, it's the marathon, not the sprint. So we are trying to gain more, more insight into that. And that's another thing is that I, I hear from survivors a lot. They reach out to me and they say, well, you know, my sibling did this to me, or my cousin did this to me, and then I did it to another child. And that there's shame on top of shame. Yes, indeed. And that happens a lot. Happens a lot. Mm-hmm. . But we don't have those statistics. Again, we need more research and we need more awareness and we need to be talking about it. And that, that's why I'm very loud.

Speaker 1:
What, what is the name of the organization that you Women of five.

Speaker 2: (20:58)
Okay. So it's called Five Waves Worldwide Awareness

Speaker 1: (21:02)
Wave. W A V E Ss. Correct.

Speaker 2: (21:04)
Worldwide Awareness, Voice, Education and Support. Okay. The way we came together, I've just been out there being very loud. And I am a moderator of a Facebook group for all types of survivors. And we kept having parents keep trying to join. And we're like, well, this is for survivors. So I went to find a parent support group, and through that I found a parent who had started a Facebook group for parents experiencing sibling sexual abuse and trauma in their homes. In their homes. So I reached out to her and I tried to join her group and she politely declined . And then I had a person reach out to me, Brandy Black, which is a pen name, to protect her family. Mm-hmm. . She said, look, it's been during Covid this happened in my home. I couldn't find any research, I couldn't find any resources on it. So I developed a website. Will you look at it? I promised my children to have a survivor look at it. And I said, whoa, this is amazing. Great. That's something I don't have to do. Was on my list. And I started looking at her website, Brandy Black.

Speaker 1: (22:03)
Oh, black. Okay.

Speaker 2: (22:04)
Black. I said, I can't get through this. I'm writing my TEDx. So I pulled in another survivor that I knew who was public, Maria Awa. And then I reached out to the woman who ran the Facebook group. And we all came together as 5WAVES. Oh, see. And the parents shared their stories. We shared their stories. So what we have through this organization, it's now 5 0 1 C three, is we are becoming thought leaders in this arena, or it's all out of a matter of, of, of caring. But we all have unique perspectives and we just wanna raise awareness. We want families to have support. We want families to have resources. We, you know, obviously one day we'd love to have this go away, but we aren't, you know, we aren't that optimistic. It, it's been going on forever.

Speaker 1:
Two cases come to mind that are the opposite. Um, both of them were difficult. One case, um, a case, one woman's story, um, was, uh, I was seeing the mother actually in therapy, and her daughter told her that her brother had sexually abused her. Um, the mother went to another state and confronted the, the brother. And he said, yes, he had, it took them probably it would took them years. I'm not sure how many, because the mother had to do her own work. The, the daughter, um, started working on herself. Um, 'cause she was definitely making choices that were very, um, tied to that, uh, that kind of abuse. So was the perpetrator the, or you go the person who did harm? He got his therapy finally. They got together and did therapy. But it was a long time before this family got together for Thanksgiving or, you know, anything like that, because the, the, the pain was just too real.

Speaker 1:
And, and yet I, they gradually worked toward that. It was marvelous to see the kind of healing that could actually take place when everybody was, and the mother, you know, had to take some responsibility for saying was I checked out. I mean, you know, maybe I was, maybe I wasn't. Um, and so they did great work. You know, I also have an example of a patient who I was seeing the daughter who was abused. The sister who was abused, uh, when she was a toddler, she had a twin. And she didn't remember it until the twin did. And then they confronted the family together. Actually, before she saw me. The family kind of nodded. It was an older brother. The older brother said, it wasn't me. I think it was a neighbor. Um, that wasn't true. And not a word was said about it again.

Speaker 2:
Yeah. It's very common.

Speaker 1:
And she was, she had the kind of family where they expected her to be there at every birthday, at every anniversary, at every holiday, at every religious event. I mean, and it was every time she was, she had anorexia still does. She would just not eat for days, um, after a home visit. So it, you know, those two situations are so contrasting and, and, and one of there can, there can be healing. Yes. It's hard, but there can be healing.

Speaker 2:
Yeah. And I, I think that the second scenario that you talked about, if you're a parent, I mean, parents experience a lot too when they discover this mm-hmm. . And if they go to Google and they can't find anything, if they aren't understanding, they may think, well, my, my child's the only person in the world who's harmed a sibling, or is my child gonna grow up to be a pedophile? And it's probably terrifying and probably easier to say, okay, let's just pretend status quo, and let's just, let's just go forward. Let's just shove it under the rug. That's what we're hoping to raise awareness. So if the parent, they, they got, I mean, wouldn't it be amazing if like, the Today Show covered this?

Speaker 1:
Sure. Wouldn't

Speaker 2:
It be, you know, sibling sexual abuse? Then a mom might think, oh, that's ho that's horrible. I can't believe that's happening. But then if, if she hears about it in her home or friend, she'll say, oh, but I heard this was a thing. You know, it's, it's at least in their subconscious, because if we don't get it out there, it's really hard for a parent to wrap their heads around. Of course. I mean, I can't imagine. I am a parent and I try to educate my children to the point where they run away from me. , . But, um, I, I can't, it's really hard for parents to wrap their head around. And that's, we're just trying to raise that awareness. But I hear from a lot of survivors that they're expected to just go on is normal, and, and you're asking a survivor to, to sit in the room with someone who abused them and possibly in the same home where they were abused. And that's very triggering. That's very difficult.

Speaker 1:
Yes, it is. And, and it doesn't get any easier. Another woman comes to mind who said, you know, that she sits by her brother every day or every Sunday at church, and she's always crying and people believe she's crying because she's moved by the service. And actually she's just, she's overwhelmed with feelings about the abuse that he has denied and continues to deny. So it's, it's, gosh, it's so painful. But there, there can be healing. Um, what, what did your mother, how did your mother handle it?

Speaker 2:
Well, I told her, I wanna say I was around age 24 when I was still pushing it off. It was just two kids. It just, it ha it happened. Uh, um, and I kind of said it in passing, and she cried. She said, I believe you, but where was I? Where was I? And then she started questioning. She said, but he's a good kid. He, he always knew right from wrong. There was a lot of confusion. And then I pushed it back. I put it back in its box, and we didn't talk about it for years. And then when it reared its ugly head in my current marriage mm-hmm. , um, she didn't understand. I said, I need to come forward. I need, I need to talk about this. I need to come forward. And she, she said, you need to forgive him. You need to forgive him.

Speaker 2:
And I said, I don't need to do anything. I will forgive him when I'm ready on my own terms. And she gave me the books on forgiveness, and I rolled my eyes. You can't, you can't force that. And she said, what about his family? And I screamed at her. I said, his family. Yeah, yeah. Because unfortunately, I took him, I was angry at him. I was angry at my husband. I was angry at my, my siblings wife. I was angry at my siblings children, and I pushed them all aside mm-hmm. . And they didn't understand why I was pushing them away. They didn't know mm-hmm. . So I did come to terms with it, and I did forgive my brother on my terms when I was ready. And then I reached out to my mom and I said, I forgave him. And there was relief in her voice mm-hmm.

Speaker 2:
. And then she realized, oh, now I've got my own journey of forgiveness. And she had to follow her own journey. And she was at the TEDx, she was in the audience. She didn't know what I was going to say. And, but by the time she was at the TEDx, I think she was in a good place. Um, she loves both of her children. It's, it's a very tough position to be in. And there were times when I said, I don't wanna be in the same room with him. And that was really hard for her. Mm-hmm. . So she seems to be on her own journey, and I think she's into the point where she's been able to accept it and, and sees why I'm being so public and understands why I am so public.

Speaker 1:
So what's been the changes in your life? I mentioned in the intro that you have over half a million views. What, how has your life changed since the TEDx and, and what are your plans for the future as this, as you, as you run this marathon?

Speaker 2:
Yes. It, it, I'm still running the marathon. Expect I, the finish line keeps moving. I, I actually heard from another survivor yesterday via email because it came across the TEDx. And so people are finding me through the TEDx and, and when they find me through the TEDx, I'm able to get them into Facebook support groups. I'm able to get them resources. So I know that they're in a community of people that's been, you know, I think when we can help others that help heal us mm-hmm. , um, I am, I'm still writing my memoir. It's so, so close. I have a children's book that I've, I've submitted. I'm waiting to hear back if they will publish it or not. That's what's on my radar right now. I am slowing down a little bit. I try and be supportive within the Facebook groups. I, I'm trying to, um, answer all my social media messages because I get a lot of social media messages. A lot of people on TikTok, unfortunately, a lot of my people are on TikTok. They're a younger age.

Speaker 2:
I'm slowing down a little bit. One, I'm tired. Two, I have two teenage boys who are in 10th grade, and they will be leaving me in three years. So I'm trying to be very, very present with them and enjoy them. Sure. And I just kind of show up wherever I'm needed and trying to, to support Five waves and, and keep that momentum going and, and just raising more awareness through five. Nobody's selling anything. We're not trying to, you know, obviously we're looking for donations, but, you know, we're not selling anything. We're not making any money. We're just trying to raise awareness and, and collaborate. We're having more and more people reach out wanting to volunteer with us, which is great. 'cause we're five people mm-hmm. . And yeah. I'm just looking forward to a day when there's more survivors who feel comfortable coming forward. And, and honestly, I I welcome hearing from those who caused harm too. Um, I feel we've received a couple emails. If,

Speaker 1:
If someone wanted to donate or volunteer or just, I mean, can you give the names of the Facebook groups or do they reach out to you? How, how is that, how do you want them to do that? Right.

Speaker 2: (32:14)
The 5WAVES.org website. Okay. You can email us there. You can contact us if you're, if you're, if you're a parent, if you're a survivor, if you're someone who's caused harm, you can email us there. And then also on that website, we have Facebook groups and, and we, we try and respond to every email that we can. Yeah. So that's where I'm headed right now. I kind of show up where I am needed .

Speaker 1:
And so I'm a great admirer of yours. And I, because I think you did this TEDx for a really good reason. Um, and I mean, and, and a very honorable reason. And so, uh, that I, I admire greatly.

Speaker 2:
Well, thank you. And I admire you as much. I I think that we, I I was looking forward to this interview and I told my husband this morning, I said, this'll be a great interview because she, she's informed and she knows what she's talking about. She's done the research, she's done the homework. So I really appreciate it.

Speaker 1:
Oh, well, thank you. Take very good care. Thank you.

Speaker 1:
I know you could tell from Jane's interview just how sincere and how passionate she is about getting this message out. And we at SelfWork wanted to help her do just that. The organization Jane refers to in the interview is the worldwide awareness, voice, education, and support. Better known as 5WAVES.org. And the five is not spelled out, is a numeral. So 5WAVES.org give if you can. It's a 5 0 1 3 C. So it's a nonprofit. And I wanna thank Jane and all other survivors of abuse who come forward. It takes tremendous courage to do so. Thank you for being here at SelfWork today. Please take care of yourself, your loved ones, and your community. I'm Dr. Margaret, and this has been SelfWork.

This September (2023) we're giving away two(2) copies of a little book Christine Mathias and I worked on called Marriage Is Not For Chickens. A post by the same name, when it appeared in HuffPost, earned over 200,000 views and over 50,000 shares... Wow! (Of course, I didn't get a call to be on a morning talk show... lolol)

This book may take you two minutes to read because it's meant to be a gift for someone who's getting married or deciding to commit to a relationship - or maybe to someone who's having an anniversary. The photos that fit all 24 statements of "what marriage is" and "what marriage is not" were either taken by Christine or my old high school friend Deborah Strauss. The images are breath-taking, poignant, evocative, or simply "right." We're very proud of it - and hope it will give you and yours joy.

So, all you have to do is leave a written review on the SelfWork page on Apple Podcasts to be included in the drawing! But I realized, you might need to hear what it's all about. So that's what today's quick YGTG (You Get The Gist) is all about!

Listen in, smile, and I hope you enter the contest - so you can give it away, keep it, or have fun with it in some way or the other.

Vital Links:

Dr. Margaret's TEDxBocaRaton Talk (now with 155,000 views!)

You can listen to Dr. Margaret's TEDxBocaRaton Talk on perfectly hidden depression and the Immediate need for greater transparency in talking about emotional pain and suicidal feelings.

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, The Selfwork Podcast.  Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

And we need to grieve.

Yet, one of the ironies  is that the model we’ve been taught – in a very “this is how you should be grieving” kind of way – was created to help us understand what the person dying might feel and wasn't created to describe the grief of people who are alive and grieving loss.

What’s grief really like? How do the stages that Kübler-Ross help? How do they hurt? What are the effects of your culture or faith alter your experience of grief? How is the Internet changing the way we grieve?

The listener email for today is from a woman whose sense of emotional stability has decreased after the death of her father – and she has no relationship with her mom. She uses the term, “I feel orphaned.” So as always, we’ll talk about what you can do about it.

Before we go on,  I’d like to invite you to listen and watch my TEDxBocaRaton talk.. Here’s one of the many reviews… "Dr. Rutherford, what a beautiful talk. I watched it several times. We can all learn to recognize the signs and be ready to support those who might be silently struggling. This TEDx talk is a powerful reminder to be more attentive to the people around us, listen beyond the surface, and offer support without judgment."

Click here to listen!

Advertisers Links:

Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

Vital Links:

Heidi Bastian's article in The Atlantic

Article: It's Time To Let The Five Stages of Grief Die

Dr. Franco's article on cultural differences in grief.

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, The Selfwork Podcast.  Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Episode Transcript: 

Intro:

This is SelfWork and I'm Dr. Margaret Rutherford. At SelfWork, we'll discuss psychological and emotional issues common in today's world and what to do about them. I'm Dr. Margaret and SelfWork is a podcast dedicated to you taking just a few minutes today for your own selfwork.

Welcome or welcome back to SelfWork. I'm Dr. Margaret Ruthford. I'm so glad you're here. I started this podcast almost seven years ago now to extend the walls of my practice to those of you who are already interested maybe in therapy or you were just interested in psychological stuff, to those of you who might have just been diagnosed or you're looking for some answers. And to those of you who might just be a little skeptical about the whole mental health horizon, so welcome, welcome to all of you.

We certainly have had, and the world has had their fair share of reasons to grieve recently. Wherever you live, you felt the fear and loss of the pandemic. Add onto that, the impact of hurricanes, tornadoes, drought, fires, floods, war, racism, political unrest, violence - we've got it all - some countries more than others, but these events are also a backdrop for whatever happens in our personal lives, people who we've loved dying, we lose a job, we have to move or even you, you have to escape where you've lived. You develop a severe mental or physical illness or or that's chronically debilitating or someone you love does or you're being abused.